I feel quite vulnerable regarding this post, but i think it's nessecary. I don't want to hide behind the shame i feel regarding this situation when i think the healthy and more helpful thing to do would be to open up and hope something good comes from it.
With that said, yes - i have contemplated suicide, attempted, and surprisingly survived.
I could go on for hours as to what finally led me to that moment..but to be brief and not strip my soul bare..it began when i was 8 years old. A combination of emotional abuse, constant bullying, abandonment, mental illness and a murder led me to the only safe place i knew..deep inside myself. Death was the only thing that held comfort for me and i thought about and planned my suicide for years. Even when i was happy i still wanted to die. I thought life just wasn't for me and i did not want to continue experiencing it.
I truly believe that is the case for some people.. i am not anti or pro suicide..but i do believe in freedom of choice and it is a person's life and they can decide to take it if they so chose - ONLY if they are clear of mind, an adult who hasn't given their life to raising another, and there is no mental illness burried within screaming at them to end it all.
"He who does not accept and respect those who want to reject life does not truly accept and respect life itself."
Thomas Szasz
Although, while i believe in that freedom, i do think that most people who believe they truly want to die - that life just isn't for them - are underestimating their will to live. Until you have experienced that moment when you finally chose death over life, you will NEVER understand if death is truly what you wanted.
I only had a few moments to shockingly realize how i really felt, but it was the biggest wake up call and the saddest moment of my life.
I wasn't afraid
...but i was so full of deep regret and remorse
I never ever knew..
I had a will to live..
And in those fleeting moments..
I clung as hard as i could..
To life.
I slipped into unconsciousness knowing i made the ultimate mistake.
I wonder how many people have died knowing they made this mistake.
I never knew i had it me. Burried inside was a will to live, a want to live. I'm not "cured", i think i will always struggle, but when i feel that old familiar itch i cling to the worst feeling in the world.. that moment of deep regret i can never bare to experience again.
I believe in one's freedom of choice and respect it, and i think it's horribly selfish to ask someone stay in the world to keep you from being hurt when they really do not want to be here and life just isn't for them - and only they can decide that. However, with that said, i also do not think you will ever know 100% until you've put your plan into motion and it is out of your hands.... and then it's too late to take it back.
If you feel that will to live, and you are lucky, you will eventually return to consciousness without serious damage. But you will never come out of it as you were. Part of it will always stick with you. You don't come back "normal".
Until i can turn my negative experience into a positive one, that will remain the day i died..
"Most people, in committing a suicidal act, are just as muddled as when they do anything important under emotional stress. Carefully planned acts of suicide are as rare as carefully planned acts of homicide."
"It is not a thing to do while one is not in one's best mind. Never kill yourself while you are suicidal."
Edwin Shneidman
(If anyone is struggling, want's to talk, someone to listen, or just a friend please feel free to pm me.)