So now I got the results of my professionally administred IQ test, and it's disappointing, but also enlightening.
I've been extremely hesitant to see a psychologist to resolve my issues with what I think as burnout and depression, or perhaps something else.
I think the picture is coming together.
I got an IQ of 108 (15 std dev).
It's in the extreme lower end of the test score's I've ever received, although not the lowest. That record is reserved for a test that measured verbal intelligence in english language, and that only.
Something is severely impairing my mental functioning. I still retain the knowledge and the values from times when I've been smarter, and I've gotten a professional evaluation of myself as late as 5 months ago, with the career advisor recommending me career paths in the most demanding employments possible.
Unfortunately my self-image is too much tied to my intelligence to let go of this. I understand my biases. Still, I can't but to list those factors that I recognize and objectively know to have influenced my perceptions on this matter.
test score lowering factors:
-having been tired that morning
-having drunk heavily two days before the test
-depression, just with sadness changed to apathy
-relative lack of optimally challenging employment during the year
-unfamiliarity with pen-and-paper test
-failed time-management plan during the test. Did too much double-checking.
Possible reasons to explain the low outcome as it is:
-inflated scores on online tests (?)
-my intelligence (or aptitudes) are focused on other intelligences
I know that this makes a silly impression
I just wanted to be open and honest with you, so you can see me wanting to explain something that I want for myself. I know exactly how silly it seems for people to want something so much and making up explanations. Still, I'm giving myself the benefit of doubt. I'll figure out what's wrong with me and what I did wrong, and I'll correct what I find.
This is not a trivial matter; I have wanted to go for the best jobs since I were kid. These jobs are demanding on self-discipline both before and during the employment, they're demanding on general and emotional intelligence, willingness to achieve, and other personal qualities. Some employments have a de facto IQ entrance requirement, with the demands of the job being increasingly hard on the people with lower IQ. There's some point where the job is just too damn hard to be of any enjoyment, even if that's the job you've wished for.
edit: and now, 138 on a web test (15 std dev). Is that more telling of the web tests or anything.. still, everything remains inconclusive to me. Mind you, these web results are consistenly lower than they used to be, too; I used to get in the range of 142-145 before (15 std dev), or about 168-172 (24 std dev) in culture fair tests and usually about 120-125 (std dev 15) in completely english biased tests, even tho lower scrores also occured.
edit: moreover, it's not my job to be objective and realistic about myself in such a manner so as to contend with bad results. This is a signal from something bad, perhaps a wrong development - which I ought to reverse.