I am in an tntp/estj relationship
Hey, Im new here so be nice
Im an ESTJ and my boyfriend (ish) is an INTP. I dont know about what other people are saying with their predictions of that pairing not getting on - quite the opposite: me and my bf hit it off immediately and have always had a really strong rapport. The attraction is still as intense as ever and dont get me started on how good things are in the bedroom - we are totally in tune and have been from the very beginning!
I say ish about my boyfriend because we are currently in a long distance relationship and neither of us wants to move to be together any time soon (we are both from Aberdeen in Scotland but moved to Cambridge 6 months ago to start my first job so Im not ready to head home yet. He doesnt want to move down here cos hes starting a scottish teaching course next year and England just doesnt appeal to him). We have been visiting each other but I cant say this arrangement is an easy ride - we've broken up and got back together time after time, even before I moved away.
So our relationship is turbulent shall we say, although we are slowly getting our heads around one another and things have been smoothing out. The main problems seem to be that I just don't get enough communication from him to feel loved enough quite simply - something that is definately made worse by the distance but even when we were in the same city he didnt seem to have the same need to spend time with me and was pretty anti joingin me on social ocassions. I wanted him to meet all my friends but if he wasnt in the mood that was the end of that, he is RUBBISH at sparing my feelings, which leads me onto another point:
Feelings - he just doesnt seem to get them. Being a T myself I wouldnt say Im the most emotional person and can actually be quite cold and callous. Im also a capricorn (dont know if anyone here believes in star signs) but capricorns are meant to be very cool on the outside but with great emotional depth which pretty much sums me up. Oh and they strongly value security which tends to make them quite controlling - another stumbling block for me and my bf (I hate when he is in his own little world and Im trying to get in touch with him, he doesnt check his phone for a whole day sometimes, I just feel like hes out of reach and thats REALLY frustrating when I need him for something).
Back to the feelings thing - it seems that I have to be right in front of him before he can tell that Im upset (which makes it hard in a long distance relationship) and sometimes even then he discounts my feelings as being silly or injust and refuses to let me express them. It seems he just makes up his own mind about whats going on and doesnt let me explain it from my side so that we can make a resolution. In fact it is quite common for him to just refuse to let me open up as he just cant be bothered with an argument...which is what hes decided will happen without even letting me speak, I actually hate arguments too so would much prefer a rational conversation. In fact, yeah, thats the problem - he makes his own decisions about things when we are having a dispute and doesnt care about what I want. He actually told me he does that because he doesnt think its fair that Im upset with him when he doesnt think hes done anything wrong so why should he give me the privilege of expressing myself? Not the most empathetic or loving!
(I think me being extraverted makes me more equipped to picking up on peoples feelings even if I am a T, plus it means I really HAVE to express myself when I'm upset - Im really not good at dealing with things myself)
Once an argument is started it can get very frustrating as the communication flow comes to a complete halt with the loggerheads of me wanting to express myself and seek fairness through letting him know what hes done to upset me and wanting an apology, and him not letting me talk as he thinks its unfair that Im upset in the first place and cant be bothered with an argument. We both get very viscious (both being Ts) and neither of us want to give up our side of the argument so it just blows up. There just isnt enough give and empathy once we get into a heated situation. Plus it can be a bit of a power struggle, neither of us like sucking up to the other.
However once we both cool down we feel the sadness of having had such a big row (which often makes us hate each other and angrily yell that the relationship is over) and dont want to break up so we talk pretty rationally and it all gets sorted out really easily as we totally get eachothers logical way of explaining things.
The S/N thing doesnt seem to come into it too much apart from I think of time in increments whereas my bf seems to think of it as one big fluid continuum which makes him a bit crap at being conscientious which really bugs me. Its not that he doesnt return calls but he just doesnt do it in a timely manner - he thinks in days when I think in hours. Oh and he does sometimes belittle me for getting so wound up by little things when there are bigger problems in the world to worry about. He also watches the news which I would've thought was an S thing, I hate the news as I find it mindless, repetitive and depressing.
Besides all the bad stuff - we actually get on like a house on fire when we arent upset at each other and even then we can sometimes resolve things quite easily. What mainly seems to keep us together is the fact that our minds really seem to work in the same way - we have fascinatingly intelligent conversations and we love each others depth of thinking, we are really on the same wavelength in that way. I can talk to him about anything and we tend to analyse things in the same way. We also want the same things in life on the grand scale of things and both have similar values in relationships - we both take them pretty seriously. I think my bf really likes that I am so dependable as he has been cheated on in the past and is actually quite a paranoid wee soul inside. I like his introvertedness as I dont have to compete with his social life and I know he will ALWAYS want to go home early from a night out (I like socialising but am more of a morning than night person) and loves spending time with just me for days, its great to be the centre of his attention (when Im with him lol). Plus he takes relationships so seriously (probably more than me) that I know he will never cheat, its not his attention on other women I compete with its his computer!!
He is a bit of a slob at times and I dont know if I could cope with his standards of living if we were living together but Im actually not the most anally clean person in the world either. I tend to slob out and then have a total blitz which I think is how he does it too...although his blitz probably isnt to the level of detail that mine is, I am definately the perfectionist in the relationship!
Yeah so despite the ups and downs we actually bumble along really contentedly when we are together. We NEVER run out of conversation and I know I will never be mocked by him for how much I analyse things! He could be more forgiving but he says the same about me haha! I value material things much more than him but he still values fairness so would never take money from me unless he was really desperate and would always pay me back. In general no matter how many times we've broken up (which is always a theme being in a long distance relationship with no immediate plans to change the situation, and the amount we can clash at times which really throws us) we cant seem to shake the attraction and neither of us wants to lose the companionship we have or has any interest in being with other people. In previous relationships Ive always wondered if theres more out there - I have never been so mentally stimulated and physically satisfied. If it wasnt for the clashes (which seem to come out of nowhere and dont always happen, as I said sometimes we can resolve things fine) and if my bf was just a bit more conscientious/communicative/attentive then things would be perfect. But does perfection exist in relationships? In anything? I guess you just have to let relationships run their course and see what happens, thats what I'm doing.
Wow that was an epic rant. See I am an S - cant miss a single detail!!