I notice a lot of NFJs (and others as well) talk about expectations.
Especially in the sense of how having expectations, ideals and how reality getting in the way, can have devastating effects both emotionally and the mental loops that almost always inevitably follow.
I am empathetic to this because I live it. I have spoken with a lot of people about this and how it affects our behaviors , perceptions and further expectations.
But...Has anyone ever actually figured out to deal with this (besides door slamming, altering history or withdrawing)??
How do you deal with this? Because I am stumped.
Help please, if you can.
Arc
I'm going to throw everything I can think of at you, sort through and discard as you please!
Practical advice I can offer is to:
- regularly connect with reality by being in the moment and out of your head;
- accept that there is no such thing as 'fair';
- let go of being in total control, (which is an illusion anyway, as they say).
Being a successful idealist requires checking in with reality regularly so that one doesn't stray too far from the thing that can come along and kick you in the ass.
It's like managing two streams of information. I think very idealistic people need to LEARN how to be in the moment. It doesn't come naturally.
I advocate regular, exhausting exercise for people who are in their heads a lot. It bleeds one of excessive mental energy. Nothing I've tried works as well as yoga. You can also let go of being in control as someone is guiding your steps. There's no jumping ahead in one's mind, no planning the next move. It's so nice to get a break from that tyrannical, anticipatory mindset. It's like hitting a reset button.
I think a lot of NFJs carry around an idealized image of themselves to which they/we constantly aspire. It obscures our real selves and the positive things we already possess. I try to notice when I'm becoming disconnected from my actual self, who I am at this moment, which is often preceded by lots of planning, dreaming or engaging in self-improvement. Then I try to stop and do something fun and non-goal oriented. (Bike riding, swimming, something physical and transitory).
Learning to be ok with mistakes is important too. NFJs can be perfectionists due to being 10 steps ahead in our minds and having high standards for how we want our lives to be and a very complete vision we want to impose on the world. That is UNreality when it only exists in our heads. Things don't ever roll out IRL as they do in our heads. Just acknowledging that helps. When mistakes and disappointments occur, process whatever it was quickly, impose a deadline for that and let it float away. Don't pick at the scab.
Be careful about hope, hope can be very addictive and also blinds one to reality. Ideals and visions are great but not when they interfere with the ability to be satisfied in the moment - our lives are only made up of moment to moment. And go easy on yourself too. It helps.