What if they did something to you that was traumatizing?
All the more reason for me to reevaluate whatever meanings and beliefs I am attaching to their behavior, to view it from a less triggering or destructive angle. Tweaking ones perspective doesn't have to involve acceptance of the behavior itself, or tolerance of such person in your life. But it can mean that you take a step back and understand that what they are doing is a whole lot more about them, than it is you. It has been very helpful for me to get a kind of grasp on what variables have led up to someone being the way they are, the perfect set of conditions that could have led to no other result, actually. And, as fi dom, I also find myself questioning if I might not have done the same thing... were I to have that particular dna, those specific life experiences, those specific coping/defense mechanisms, etc. It is hard to say.
Most people will tell you that forgiveness is liberating.
"The ego demands that we refuse forgiveness, for it provides us with an insurmountable amount of power and control over the one who has hurt us; by refusing to reconcile the conflict, we forever hold a condemning, inescapable guilt over his or her head. But, in the end, the lure of non-forgiveness that is caused by our individual egos — the side of us that wants to punish and never forgive the ones who have done wrong unto us — we come to realize that the only one who is truly punished, imprisoned and enslaved by our refusal to reconcile the pain is ourselves."
It goes beyond liberation for me. My greatest suffering has been a catalyst to scrap false-beliefs about myself, others, the world.. even the nature of reality. But I am stubborn, and my ego is strong, so my trend is that I've needed things to become intensely painful before I am moved (not do something about it but)to
let go... haha. It sounds cliché, but many times my suffering has turned out to be a gift, people who hurt me, teachers. And some people just cant grasp these ideas. They are too different, their beliefs are too different. And of course, whatever beliefs one holds.. as they look out at the world they will constantly find evidence for it. It doesn't have to work for or make sense to others, only me. There is a lot lost in this word, I think, to looking outside oneself for answers.
Should you still change the way you view their actions rather than condemn them? Can you think what they did was wrong without condemning them or is that the same thing? Should they be forgiven?
'Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a
change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.' from (just) wiki.
You
should do whatever feels right to you. Many people thrive on condemnation, some of my closest friends, who I love dearly, do so. It is very validating for them, especially if they can get others in on their band-wagon and say "shame, shame shame!" to people who do not think/feel or behave as they do or expect. Most people are caught in a game of controlling the behavior of others and external conditions to be content. It works for them. It's just never worked for me.
Op, I almost forgot. Feelings do not require validation, imo. They just are, and you don't need a bunch of people to get together and say "oh that is just so terrible and awful! I would also be <insert whatever negative emotion> for it to be okay that you hold it. What you do with it is far more important.