copperfish17
New member
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2009
- Messages
- 712
- MBTI Type
- INTP
- Enneagram
- 5w4
- Instinctual Variant
- sp/so
THe other time I get really blunt is with the whole "Elephant in the room" bit. Like I cant sit in a situation and ignore something really obvious going on. Do you guys find yourself doing that as well? For instance, I went to a gathering recently with a bunch of our long term, good friends.. and one of these friends and her husband are both ridiculous drinkers. I mean, all of us drink and get a bit crazy or goofy.. but these guys take it to the next level and become extremely annoying, uncouth, and almost always some type of drama breaks out with themselves or others. We all know they have some problems, but both are extremely unwilling to fess up to it. Anyhow, everyone starts to walk on eggshells, get nervous, because we all know inevitably something bad is going down the drunker they get. But no one ever wants to say anything in an effort to be "polite" or they don't feel its their place. But I jsut don't give a shit. I don't think I'm rude about it.. I pull them aside and let them know they should look at slowing their roll, remind them of previous times its been a problem.. but they just keep doing what they are doing. Sure enough they end up fighting and arguing.. and we all have to pull them apart and calm them down. WHile talking to my friend, she is saying all this crap like they've both been really stressed, blah blah blah.. and I look at her and say "Ya, you've been really really stressed for about 10 yrs now, right? I think that is a copout. I think you both know you have some drinking problems, and you need to get some fucking help. We've talked about this before, and I don't know why you keep denying it. " So she says to me that I am on a moral highhorse, and that I used to be so nice to her. Why have I changed? I don't like her anymore! So I say "I absolutely love you.. but I'll be honest, I can't stand you and Neil when you guys are drunk. And alot of others feel the same way. You need to get some help, or people are going to quit inviting you over."
What do you think? Am i mean?
Haha... mean, no. Bit tactless, yes IMHO. Still, the message had to be conveyed to the couple by SOMEONE... and you did it, so props to you. I would have been less confrontational - I think there you almost sounded like you're delivering THE ultimatum (although that's probably not what you intended). Not many - at least from what I've seen - take kindly to those kind of things, regardless of the circumstances. I wouldn't be surprised if that friend of yours was offended and is now mad at you.
Anyhow, WRT the OP: Ideally, I think one should be honest but careful with delivery. I usually try to validate the other person in one way or another whenever I point out negatives... Even if the person I'm confronting is in the wrong, I won't say "you're wrong." It'll be something more like, "Circumstance A and circumstance B seem to have affected your judgment/led you to do C... I can understand that. I think maybe you could do this to remedy the situation... Here's another option... In the end, though, it's always up to you to decide." IME I find that going on about negative consequences rarely work.
I don't really see the whole thing as sugar-coating though - more like a strategy. It's a strategy to make the other person more willing to listen (and therefore get your message across), and consider what you're saying without feeling hurt or misunderstood.
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Oh, and--I have serious issues with people with the victim mentality too. I only have a few friends who are like that (thank goodness), and whenever they start going on about how oh-so-pitiful they are, I just bail. Drop the conversation as politely as possible.
I strongly recommend channeling your positive energies to people who're worth it.