Not to focus so much on anger...
The main things I exhibit that make me confident in my 8ness.. despite others disagreeing at times:
- My anger is a measurable and very real part of my daily life. It motivates me, or de-motivates me, depending.. but it is not something I can avoid. I'm an angry person. This isn't to be confused for being unhealthy.. I clearly don't go around yelling at people all the time, or losing my temper at any one thing. But controlling my anger was something I had to learn at a young age, and I struggled with it growing up. Usually I'll pick up trash not because "Oh, yay, I'm helping the environment! and I wouldn't want to see litter around... " but more "What an ass, throwing this cup on the ground. Fuck him or her." Part of the reason I feel so much better about exercise is because its a healthy way to vent my stress and anger--and I do have it. I'm a very happy, optimistic, and chipper person.. almost to an annoying extent sometimes. But my anger is a major motivator for me to actually move.
- The only thing more motivating than my anger is my feeling of needing to be in control. I dislike the court systems and judge them based on the fact that it's almost always out of your [read: my] control and you're at the whim of others who don't recognize common sense. I liked my career in the army because I actually had some say in how jobs went, and who was working under me and how I ran things. I'm going to school now even though I HATE school so much because I want to be in control of my life and my current career choice is allowing me to do that. I get scared to start relationships, even though I know I want one to last in my life, because it really is out of my control.. I can only do so much--I have to rely on the other person entirely.. and their minds change a lot quicker than mine tends to. I love budgets because they're visible "I love me and the control I have in my life" documents. Everything is about this sense of independence and control.
- When I do participate in things out of my control, and that I'm not allowed to be angry at, I am very, very hesitant to let them go. I have a best friend currently that sucks as a best friend, and I'm about to tell her to take someone else to a musical I spent money on for her and I to go. But I'm really scared to just say that even though I want to.. because I've spent a lot of time with her being my friend. I really don't have any female friends after she's going to be gone.. and there's no way for me to change that entirely on my own. I have to have females wanting to be close friends to me--not a common thing to find at my age.. usually you make them young.
- Challenges come in all forms. I am very competitive--with myself.. not so much with others. I like the occasional games, I like watching sports and my teams winning, etc. But the major way I challenge myself is in my own life. I wanted to control my anger because it was challenging for me--and I wanted control of my life. It all fit together perfectly. I'm challenging myself to work within a budget. To build a house despite having never built a structure on my own before. I don't really challenge others, and I think social conditioning is a lot to blame for that (i.e. I never win wrestling matches with dudes back when I did that a lot.. not because I couldn't.. but sometimes because I just knew it wouldn't benefit either of us. I'd get pissed that they'd claim they went soft when I know they didn't, and if I lost then.. meh.. all's normal..), but it works out in the end because I'm pretty good at challenging ideas and concepts without being truly upset about them. Not perfect.. and I think I do frequently come across as really bitchy or angry when I really feel I'm not and have no intentions to be. No, not perfect at all. But it's something in the right direction.
- I have resting bitchy face. That's apparently a thing, and I definitely have it. (Note: this has nothing to do with anything.)
I don't feel like I'm unhealthy, and there are many things I've learned in my life to just live-and-let-live.. and I'm still learning how to do that. But the big difference I see between myself and others is--I'm LEARNING it.. It doesn't come naturally to me. I'm completely cool with people being hippies about their health despite not agreeing with them entirely, but I had to learn to be cool with that for my own sake. It's a work in progress, and one I'm getting better at with time and age.
Just my two cents. Sorry it's long.