skylights
i love
- Joined
- Jul 6, 2010
- Messages
- 7,756
- MBTI Type
- INFP
- Enneagram
- 6w7
- Instinctual Variant
- so/sx
INFPs, how do you react around ENFJs? Do you argue but then also understand each other at the same time. Maybe even dare to say, put up with each other's nonsense (depending from who's view you are looking at).
Believe it or not, even with all these Fi-Fe wars online, most of the time I naturally jive with Fe doms. There's something to be said for being dominant Feelers, particularly with ENFJs - there's some sort of immediate click. With ENFJs I feel like we both care about the free-flowing, informed, positive, evaluation-driven conversation. Conversation wise, it's like we're both people who like to leave the door wide open for others and I appreciate that. While overseas I ended up friends with a ENFJ couple and we got on like a house on fire. They had passionate, intelligent, curious minds, and I could talk for hours with them about the things about the world that interest me and that most people never want to discuss. I don't think I've ever had an argument with an ENFJ.
OTOH there is this weird disconnect that happens with ENFJs. It's a subtle thing, but I personally find it quite noticeable. The conversation is going brilliantly and you're the centre of their attention, and then suddenly something shifts and they seem to switch off. Within a few moments, enthusiastic responses stop and they stop vibing off me as much. They're still listening but now they're looking elsewhere - as if mentally moving on to the next interaction before it's happened. Sometimes they literally move on the the next interaction: abruptly and with blithe unawareness of the sort of disconcerting social paradox it is. I suddenly feel like an imposition and that perhaps the connection we had minutes before wasn't real; that it was just them being friendly and me reading too much into it. Then I start replay the last few minutes and wondering if something I said instigated it. I tell myself it probably wasn't personal and they were just looking to switch things up and talk to someone different, but regardless I can't reconcile how quickly it happens. It seems like they must have been politely feigning their degree of interest and then it got to the point where they couldn't any more. And round and round my head it goes.
That's the only problem I've had with ENFJs: I don't know where I stand with them. I have trouble interpreting what their thoughts are when there's these mixed messages. And it's hard for me to really properly invest in someone when I never feel secure in my connection with them. Consequently, I end up actively holding back parts of myself.
The same thing happens with ESFJs only it's usually only when I get too conceptual and I can see they're losing interest.
This is incredibly accurate to my impression of interacting with ENFJs, too. I thought that switch-off thing was just me! I have an ENFJ friend who will do that very obviously on the phone... all of a sudden her tone will go sort of flatter and she just won't light up like she did... it's bizarre. I agree about ESFJs, but they are more obvious about it, like you said. Easier to see what happened. ENFJs, I never know.