A lot of people really just feel intimidated by ANYTHING that goes against their expectations.
I highlight the thing that [MENTION=9811]Coriolis[/MENTION] highlights, because it's so, so true. In conversation, people often expect one another to stick to scripts; deviating from the script can be seen as differing from the norm, which can in turn be seen as threatening or intimidating. More generally, yeah--bucking expectations leads to intimidation.
I am not usually outwardly intimidating, but I do not adhere to some 'norms' such as the 8-to-5 job, sticking to 'one's own kind,' necessarily marrying someone of the same race, being closeted about therapy and other life experiences, adhering to a religion, so on and so forth. I only 'assert' my idiosyncrasies (a) by demonstrating them (e.g. walking down the street as an interracial couple) and (b) when asked my opinion. So, I'm not afraid to assert them, insofar as they naturally manifest in me. Even
that sometimes offends people--they find it offensive that things outside of their own beliefs and customs actually
exist. I don't mean to offend anyone, but I am not going to give up the things that work well for me and that I find to be true just to appease them.
(Yeah, seriously, I have had people become offended at the fact that I do not have a regular 8-5 job.)
Other than that.. I'm only aggressive when I need to defend myself or when someone else is being aggressive and the opposing point of view needs to be heard and aggression is the only way--otherwise, I'm usually tactful and diplomatic. That's my nature.
and directness is supposed to be a good thing, I thought
Ideally, yes. But no matter how unambiguous our delivery, it's a fact of life that people read into what we say through the lens of their own experiences. Sometimes, even if we are very direct with our thoughts, we'll get a "fine; I knew you hated me," or a "so are you saying that _____?"
In those cases, we can either choose to tailor our message to them, attempt to earn their trust so that we can be more direct with them in the future, avoid certain subjects of conversation with them, avoid contact with them at all, or continue to press onward with our unheard direct messages.
We must also recognize that even the most direct among us read things into things from time to time.