That was my experience.
I usually had them in connection with social anxiety -- like I had violated some social rule (fair or not) and let my self-image in the hands of other people, to judge me or not.
I felt like I couldn't breathe, I'd get dizzy, sometimes my heart would speed up, my vision would blacken around the edges, and I had to put my head down. It would last 5-10 minutes for me.
I guess the other times I've gotten them (less) where when I felt I had no control over the world around me -- like suddenly I had lost large chunks of money or some other similar event. That's more a Te thing.
But there's the common denominator: The world was beyond my control, and I had somehow made myself vulnerable and thus was in real danger without my being able to do anything about it.
The more control I felt I had in my life -- either by being more proactive with events or by dismantling the "face" I wanted to project to others to win their approval -- the less and less I've had them.
I was on Wellbutrin (extended release) for six years.
The type doesn't know how to process feelings, has trouble feeling comfortable in society, and is very aware of ambiguity in the world (and thus how few "answers" there are and how dangerous things could be). There's a lot of reason to be anxious, especially because you need to do things in life to succeed/survive that make you face these stressful situations.
Wow. This describes me quite perfectly. I don't think I'm INTP, though. I mean, the T/F axis has for a long time seemed like the one I straddle the most, but... hmm. Whatever, I don't even know if it's relevant whether I'm T or F. Relevant to my life, that is, not to the topic.
The funny thing is - about control, though - is that the more that I seem to try to acquire it... well, let's put it like this. The more I try to be invulnerable and the more I try to shape my identity by repressing certain feelings and thoughts, the LESS control I seem to have. I seem to be less effective. Ineffective and unhappy.
Maybe a lot of my anxiety was caused by the sense that I was just ineffective, weak, not at all who I wanted to be. But it's possible - in fact, probable - to have the wrong criteria for who you want to be. Somehow, I think I got it into my head that there was something wrong with me that I felt certain things; that my outlook had to have been flawed, or else why would I have so much pain? But... I think it makes more sense to see emotions as natural, healthy, even if they hurt, even if they don't seem to fit with your capable, confident, all-around whatever - cool, smart, quick on the uptake - type of individual. Hmm. And a lot of my anxiety has gone now, in recent days, since realizing this. Realizing, yeah, you really ought to feel those things, and that it wasn't a lack of defenses that made me so helpless, but an overabundance of them - defenses against my feelings, against parts of me that just cannot be denied without serious repercussions - is what has helped me. I guess I feel like maybe I'm growing into myself. And there's a lot less confusion about who I ought to be and what I ought to feel, because I know that you cannot choose what you feel (well, you can, but it's not healthy). You can only choose what you DO.
And Jennifer, I got this idea from your book, actually, the one you recommended (
Honoring the Self by Nathaniel Branden, in case anyone's curious). And it really makes sense, SO much of what he says, but THIS really helped. A
lot. So thank, THANK YOU for recommending it to me.
Really. I could just give you the BIGGEST HUG! *squeezes the breath out of you*
I usually had them in connection with social anxiety -- like I had violated some social rule (fair or not) and let my self-image in the hands of other people, to judge me or not.
Yeah, with regard to this... for a long time I've considered it terribly weak to be affected by what other people think of you. I thought, "A truly wise person would not base their self-worth on what other people think." And while this is true for the most part, I think I carried it too far. I think I started to think that I ought not to feel hurt by people, or embarrassed in social situations or after mistakes. But most of all, maybe, I thought I should not be afraid.
Essentially, I think for a long time I equated independence with not being affected by people, and this was the beginning of the end for me, lol. I was afraid to
feel those things, and somewhere along the way I began to think I
should not.
Pretty hard to keep up your self-esteem when what you base your self-esteem on is not being afraid.
But after a while, I think subconsciously you start to notice that there's a huge split between who you really are (what you really feel) and who you want to be (what you want to feel), and I think that's what was causing my anxiety, at least in part, if not in whole. And this is kind of what I mean when I'm referring to what you said about dismantling the face you want to project. But I'm thinking of it a little more broadly, and calling it self-image. Your self-image can be quite self-destructive, for lack of a better term. It can be... cruel, unreasonable, in the sense that it is an impossible ideal and cannot be achieved by anyone, but you hold yourself to that ideal nonetheless, perhaps because it seems necessary for your survival and happiness... when in reality, all it is doing is actually making you miserable, helpless, confused, anxious and troubled. You stack up defenses to make yourself feel safer, but all you feel is more helpless.