Alrighty, so I've shared with some people here and there, shared some snippets into my early childhood on the forum and some of the insecurities I grew up with. Some of those revolved around feeling different, ok, most of those insecurities revolved around those feelings, but they were never the good sorts of thoughts, always negative, and always something to feel ashamed of. To make matters worse, I not only felt different and out of place, I had the worst insecurities over feeling stupid and unintelligent. I never seemed to pick up the material in school as quick as the other students, and could really, never do much of anything as good as the other students. I managed to get into some of the honors classes and AP classes in high school, and tended to hang around the goodie two-shoes sorts of students that got good grades, were involved in everything, and played in sports. I played varsity tennis myself and did have a lot of friends, but beneath all that, resided a lot of pain, and feeling that the life I led was somehow a lie. Sure I was in these honors classes and no one even poked fun of my perceived stupidity and slow mind, but those insecurities that had accumulated all through elementary school, middle school, high school, they just kept compounding and getting heavier and heavier. As you can all imagine, this over time, left me feeling rather depressed and feeling like the dreams I often held as a child, were only dreams I could ever enjoy in my imagination because, why on Earth?! Would these sorts of dreams ever come true for me. The crazy thing about insecurities, is that no matter what your life may be screaming at you, what your life may be shaking you vigorously to wake up and see with your eyes what's around you, those insecurities may leave you blind to all of it. And mine did just that. I went onto a private university, perfect for me really, since I was situated in small class sizes and the individual attention and care I needed to help me achieve the grades I needed. I was invited to join not only an honors program in the humanities, but invited to join an honors collegiate society. I also came up with some architectural designs that won great praise time and time again from my peers and professors. My projects were seen as highly intelligent in their design and execution, and carried a thoughtfulness that simply was not present in some of the other student's work. I can admit, I was often embarrassed by such remarks, because even still, my insecurities loomed over me. I just couldn't fathom how I could achieve anything better than mediocre, and that maybe, just MAYBE, I had a modicum of intelligence in me.
Fast forward four years later, and by the luck of the draw, I discovered I had ADHD-combined. I went in for a routine physical, and because I answered one question a particular way, my doctor suggested I check out a psychiatrist he knew that specialized in child and adult ADHD. I thought to myself, what?! it can't be! I have two cousins that I know that has it, and they are constantly bouncing off the walls. But that's where the assumptions ended. Once I got my official diagnosis and started taking medication for that, and the Dysthymia I apparently had as well, I did all the research I could into both, and things were starting to really make sense for me. One may think that this would instantly give me a huge relief, an answer to all those years of struggling and self doubt. Well, it did give me answers, but it also momentarily threw me into a deeper pit. BECAUSE of those insecurities, I took what could've been a positive realization, which I could then grasp and find ways to work with, to instead see it as sealing my fate that I will never become anything more than mediocre, and all my fears as a child had come true, and there was no more denying that I was defective.
Thankfully though, the grad school I attended, had excellent therapists and nurse practitioners on staff that worked with me, and even set up a time management coach for me to see every week to help me plan out my routines and schedules. I was never one for to-do lists, calendars, and organization, but once I started seeing the benefits those tools had for me, in helping me to maintain some control over something I felt I would never have the least bit of control over, I was hooked. I still find it hard to maintain these tools on the day-to-day, but if I ever fall off the wagon, I know which tools will help get me right back on the horse. Something else happened in all of this, I started to see some of the benefits to having ADHD. Sounds crazy ya? Well one thing is true, when I am on my A game, I often come to conclusions and solve problems far quicker than any of my peers. When I'm "on", I also feel like I just gained 40 IQ points even though I'm still just utilizing the same brain. The drawback though, is that my mind only knows how to sprint, and how to stop. There is no in between. I'm sure everyone out there with ADHD understands this sort of dynamic, but I didn't just leave it at that. I decided well, shoot, since I know I can't control when these surges come and go, I'm going to do the best I can to ride out these surges when they come, and get all the work done that I need to, before it leaves and my mind shuts off again. My whole strategy in grad school was essentially based off this basic premise, that I cannot control my brain, but what I CAN do, is to ride out the waves as best I can. Let those around me know that I have ADHD and that if I slip up, not to take offense, but to understand that I AM trying my best. But finally, and most importantly, I took a sort of oath to myself, to do my best not to beat myself up over my struggles and failures, to not call myself stupid and inept. I am NOT going to let ADHD be the death of me, and I am sure as hell not going to let anyone else tell me what I can and cannot achieve. If I fall, I shall fall gracefully because I will at least have given it my all, rather than giving up and throwing in the towel prematurely.
There are times I wish I were diagnosed early as a child, and part of me at times may feel a sort of jealousy of those that were diagnosed young, but...I really can't be jealous either, because the struggles I went through, all that self doubt and self hatred growing up, miraculously has allowed me to becomes quite a strong and determined individual. People may call me idealistic, but I would say I beg to differ, because I have very much seen reality, and my perception of a reality that could've been, but I chose NOT to remain there, and to do something about it. I do believe things happen in life for a reason, and though you may not always be able to pinpoint what these connectors pieces and events in life may mean initially, they are somehow tied to the greater whole that you shall discover the meaning to down the road.