I can't believe it's been four full days without TV. Frankly, I didn't think I'd get this far. Willpower eludes me in the areas of exercise and healthy eating, and I didn't think TV would be any different.
Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were bad. It reminded me of what a friend told me about quitting smoking: "The first three days are the worst." I've already written about specific times and rituals that made me miss watching TV. But after a few days the overall feeling is becoming clearer. I'm edgy and restless and seem to have an energy that doesn't know how to express itself. Inside, it's strikingly similar to what I'd expect to feel if I were married and my wife went on a trip. I realize that this is not the first time I've anthropomorphized television, and it's somewhat but not completely disturbing.
Wednesday was a little different. The edgy restlessness lessened. I wasn't upset about missing my favorite programs, I had more of a general malaise. This realization dovetailed with everything else I've written this week to lead me to an inescapable conclusion, one that will likely be the grand revelation of this experiment.
I'm in love with my television.
I'm lonely without it. I miss having dinner with it. I miss laughing with it. I miss talking sports with it. I miss hearing about its day, also known as the news. Most of all, I hate the quiet. I hate the void. I'm not against the notion of quiet in itself; I love the serenity of the outdoors and even half-jokingly describe myself as a neo-Luddite. But quiet has its place, and this little apartment in which I live alone is not that place. Television, the bed's too big without you.
I've already admitted I'm in love with my TV, so no harm can come from extending the metaphor. It's a replacement for all the people I don't have in my life. For all the friends that I don't talk to or see enough. For all the co-workers I haven't had in a long time. It's a reliably human voice that always wants to talk about the same things I do, that always wants to go the same places, that doesn't need me to cultivate a relationship with it.
I've borne this out in my behavior. I have managed to avoid television, but I haven't even come close to avoiding outside stimulation. My already excessive internet time has become scarily obsessive. I've consumed podcasts one after the other like a chain smoker, and I've found the joy of listening online to radio stations from my hometown. I've played my favorite new CDs until I know the words. I've pursued these activities instead of the ones that inspired me to engage in this experiment. I haven't written, I haven't done my graphic design lessons, and I haven't done any "state of the union" type heavy thinking.
In the end, it feels like I'm just riding out the storm. I know this is over in a week, so I'm clinging to the most TV-esque activities I can find. I haven't had either the courage or the realization to try to truly live without TV. I haven't devoted myself to fundamentally different activities. I'm just closing my eyes, gritting my teeth and waiting for it to be over.