[ENTP] ''only friends'' relationship between male and female

[theadoor]

Being an ENTP, I have realized that usually my ''soul-friends'' are only male, I still got pretty many female friends, but I don't take them so seriously. I mean, I just don't trust females, I still respect their opinion, but I don't listen to their advice and don't talk with them about my feelings as much as I do with my male friends and, yes, being honest, female friends annoy me way more often than my male ones. So here's the problem:

The bad thing about male friends is that, sometimes, as my personal experience shows (I'm still pretty young) that sooner or later at least one of them will try to have some kind of sexual contact or even develop it into a romantic relationship. I, somehow, try to avoid it, but it always happens and only one of those guys are still my friend, even though I said no. The others, who I've refused ran away or if I even agreed, i guess, they start to think that there's smth more than a friendship between us, but IMO there isn't and I don't really like hurting my friends, so it's my turn to run away . At the same time, I know a perfect example, a guy and a girl of my age, who are I would say really good friends (absolutely not a couple), they've their own girlfriends and boyfriends, but at the same time they've had sex. I guess it's okay until they don't have a date, but what if they do? I mean, it's good to have a friend, but that's still cheating to your date.

What is your opinion about male and female ''only friends'' kind of relationship and why and do you try to avoid that?

Especially, I would like to read male opinions, because, I guess there's some logical kind of part missing in my understanding about men thoughts of all this.

 

[Stanton Moore]

I think it rarely works. That's been my experience. Usually the male does what you have described: gets grabby or falls for the girl. Typical!

 

[OrangeAppled]

I think it's possible. It works if neither of you is interested in the other romantically.

I notice my truly platonic male friendships are very different from my female ones. We hang out in groups, they mainly call/text email to let me know something is going on, etc. We're not emotionally close, but we are friends. My friendships with guys that are closer emotionally do have a romantic tinge, but everything from no physical chemistry, living distance, current relationships, unrequited feelings, etc, keeps it from becoming more than a friendship. I think if you get past those hurdles, you often end up with a brother/sister type relationship.

 

[theadoor]

My friendships with guys that are closer emotionally do have a romantic tinge

So, your opinion is that if the friendship is emotionally close, at least one of the persons has a romantic interest in the other person?

 

[OrangeAppled]

So, your opinion is that if the friendship is emotionally close, at least one of the persons has a romantic interest in the other person?

No, I'm saying it usually takes on a romantic tone. It doesn't mean there is direct interest, but there's more potential for interest to develop, and that can be overcome, but then it usually settles into a brother-sister dynamic or backs off to a casual friendship. I find it cannot stay in romantic-friendship state indefinitely.

 

[Fidelia]

I think male emotions and sex are very intertwined with each other and harder to separate out than women's emotions and sexual interest. I think women are open to a wider variety of people, but are pickier in some regards when it comes to relationships. However, people grow on them as a romantic prospect sometimes through proximity. Men seem to be able to be attracted to a larger section on the population but are less likely than women to develop attraction if they didn't feel it initially.

From a practical standpoint, I don't think they tend to spend time on relationships that they feel have no potential to go anywhere. Since sex is inextricably (in many cases) a part of the equation, if there is no possibility of romance, it either becomes very uncomfortable for them, or else they move on.

In most cases, neither sex invests the amount of time and energy needed to create a close emotional relationship unless one or both parties have romantic emotions or sexual interest.

 

[fill]

Depends. I have quite the platonic relations with many girls, but we've probably already tried to be more than friends in the past.

I tend not to get emotionally attached, but I'll start to make up reasons to like them without realizing, and when we do settle for less, I'll feel depressed without knowing why. I think I've eliminated this problem, though, with the realization to why it happens.

I've had a really platonic friendship with an ENFJ girl- actually, no, ENFJ girls in general are hard for me to read, so I shut all the physical affection off, even innocent stuff like hugging- it gets all sorts of awkward.

My ESTP friend, however, I could walk in her room with all my clothes off, and the conversation would probably be like, "You're naked," "Yeah, I know." She's one of the few girls I have no attraction to physically, but click big time with.

 

[velocity]

"only friends" FOAR NAO

 

[Metamorphosis]

I think the only potential for a real male/female friendship only is if they are mutually unattracted to each other. However, I don't think there's ever potential for it to become a really deep friendship like two males or two females would have without developing some kind of attraction. Normally, when I see this kind of situation the male and female are in the same social circle but not really best friends.

 

[blanclait]

Works perfectly fine for me.
If i don't find them attractive physically now, it's not gonna change much. (often the case)

But usually it's the personality. Requirement for close relationships are stricter and most of my good friends who are female don't meet that requirement.

So we continue as friends.

 

[forzen]

It's possible......



in television.

 

[A Schnitzel]

Some I have in my mind that we will always be friends. I've even friendzoned some women that I'm not interested in. With that said, as soon as a friendship involves sharing emotions it's easy for someone to develop romantic feelings. If you keep it on the level of ideas, experiences, and jokes you shouldn't run into nearly as many problems.

Why do you have difficulty sharing your emotions with women? It sounds like you want the emotional benefits of a relationship without the commitment.

 

[Kyi]

I, too, have mostly male friends. I tend to see myself as more of a guy, in terms of my interests and mentality, and I feel like I have more in common to talk about with guys. For example, I'm not really a girly girl and I like video games.

I have had relationships where my guy friend starts to like me and everything gets kind of awkward and I usually avoid them so things don't get worse. But for the most part, almost all of my GOOD guy friends are guys who have never seemed to be interested in me romantically, and we are JUST friends. I don't like having sexual feelings or romance between people who are just friends, because I feel like it complicates things.

I would not want my SO hanging out with a female friend that he had romantic/sexual feelings for at one point, because I feel like it could come out again if they get drunk together or if he's mad at me and seeks her for comfort, etc... I'm sure he would feel the same for me.

It is possible to have purely platonic relationships, of course things can change in the relationship, but thats like "hey could you ever develop romantic feelings for your cousin?"

 

[visaisahero]

I am presently in a long-term, committed relationship with a woman I often describe as my best friend.

I have several female friends who I am emotionally close to and have a deep bond with. I care for them deeply, so you would be fairly accurate to say that there is a brother-sister sort of dynamic at play.

I find several of these women sexually and emotionally attractive, and were I single I would jump at the opportunity to allow our relationship to progress beyond platonic friendship.

I am certain that there is always some sexual tension in any male-female relationship (assuming that both parties are heterosexual and of moderate attractiveness). How this affects the relationship really depends on the choices both parties choose to make, and the communication between the two.

Me and my female friends often casually flirt with each other, but we also always draw the line at some point because we trust and respect each other enough to safeguard the relationships we are committed to. When one person goes too far, the other person changes the topic and all is well. This is a dynamic that has a very ideal compromise of fun and integrity for me.

Then there are the women who I was very strongly attracted to but ended up developing friendships with, perhaps because of circumstance. I find that there is often a "window of opportunity" when it comes to attraction, before you begin to get a little too comfortable around each other as friends.

It's all about communication, understanding and mutual respect. Whatever it is.

 

[JAVO]

Being an ENTP, I have realized that usually my ''soul-friends'' are only male, I still got pretty many female friends, but I don't take them so seriously. I mean, I just don't trust females, I still respect their opinion, but I don't listen to their advice and don't talk with them about my feelings as much as I do with my male friends and, yes, being honest, female friends annoy me way more often than my male ones.

I'm male, and my perspective on male friends is nearly identical to your perspective on female friends.

I think male emotions and sex are very intertwined with each other and harder to separate out than women's emotions and sexual interest. I think women are open to a wider variety of people, but are pickier in some regards when it comes to relationships. However, people grow on them as a romantic prospect sometimes through proximity. Men seem to be able to be attracted to a larger section on the population but are less likely than women to develop attraction if they didn't feel it initially.

I agree. This is why I mostly avoided close friendships with females until after I was married. I wanted to have platonic friendships with females, but before then it was too challenging because anyone I liked well enough to be good friends with was automatically seen as a potential mate. It was biological wiring which I couldn't disconnect, no matter how much I wanted to.

 

[visaisahero]

My humble advice to anybody who starts to fall for your friends- Never, EVER "confess your love" to them. It's a terrible idea with a ridiculously low success rate that's highly misrepresented by romantic idealism. It puts them in a very difficult, uncomfortable and very awkward spot.

It is SO much better for everybody if you learn to be subtle. Send little signals. (Spend time with them alone, make little bits of physical contact) Allow them to gradually sense and feel a change in the dynamics of your relationship, and see if they get comfortable with it enough play along. If they don't like it, the worst that could happen is that they might confront you about it- in which case you could claim that nothing's changed and that you're just going through a phase or something (a little white lie that allows everyone to breathe easier- that's what friends do!) If they like it, score for you! And them!

People are uncomfortable with sudden change. It's quite likely that she might grow to love you too (in that way) if you give her time to adjust her preconceptions about the relationship and to slowly get warmed up and comfortable to the idea. But if you "confess" your love to her, alarm bells will ring in her head and scream at her to evacuate the situation immediately. That's bad, regardless of your desired outcome.

 

[theadoor]

Why do you have difficulty sharing your emotions with women? It sounds like you want the emotional benefits of a relationship without the commitment.

Maybe you're right. Because I just don't feel comfortable doing it, I'll never start talking about my feelings by myself (well at least if I'm not drunk enough ), somebody have to push me a little or make the first move, if I don't fully trust the person I won't talk about my feelings. With girls I'm always having this awkward feeling, when talking about the emotions.
And your sex may gossip about it, the opposite one as far as I've experienced don't. I think boys are a bit more mentally organized than girls and they talk less bullshit and at the same time give more useful advices.

 

[A Schnitzel]

And your sex may gossip about it, the opposite one as far as I've experienced don't. I think boys are a bit more mentally organized than girls and they talk less bullshit and at the same time give more useful advices.

That's mostly true. At least it is in my case.

But when you talk about emotions can you blame a guy for feeling something? At that point in his mind you're no longer one of the boys. You don't need to clam up around them completely but there are two sides to the situation.

 

[theadoor]

But when you talk about emotions can you blame a guy for feeling something? At that point in his mind you're no longer one of the boys. You don't need to clam up around them completely but there are two sides to the situation.

I can, but usually I don't. I can blame a guy if he starts to be really dramatic, because I hate almost any kind of drama. Actually, that's why I like INF guys, because they're not dramatic, but they're deep and they still have some men logic in them. If they don't get intimidated by the first impression of me, we usually get along really well.
What exactly do you mean about clamming up the two sides of the situation?

 

[A Schnitzel]

I was saying that you don't need to stop talking to guys about things altogether but show some discretion with male friends when you have no romantic interest. You're causing them to develop feelings almost as much as themselves. Of course they should know to keep a certain distance, but it sounds like you put them in that situation in the first place.