[ISTP] ISTP Relationships, Love and Romance

[htb]

I did that to several personality types that I wished I could know more about and respected. I hope you don't see it as superficial as other work discussions you see. The sad thing is that most of the "good convo" that took place may not extend to further contact.

That's right. I didn't see it as superficial. ISTPs can be so laconic that their speech consists almost entirely of unforced statements. While I recognize and accept an SP's here-today-gone-tomorrow caprice, honest expressions from ISTPs are unmistakable; and this was one of them.

 

[Sequestered]

This is my favorite thread on the web and over the past several months I've
returned often to try and "figure out" my ISTP love interest. Yes...much to my dismay that in and of itself is a non sequitur...

My LDR relationship with him is the strangest relationship I've ever had with
ANYONE and yet I am drawn to it despite his seeming reticence.

- The sex is uninhibited and very generous on his part.
- The compliments, though rare, are genuine.
- The witty banter is a lot of fun.
- He's VERY "un-complicated" and doesn't ask for much, doesn't ask for anything of me really.
- I observe that he can be very flirtatious with other women, but it's
emotionally shallow, "means" nothing, and he takes it very lightly.
- "What you see is what you get, take it or leave it" seems to be his attitude.
- Definitely not perceptive to subtle hints; it's better, I have found through
trial and error, for me to just come right out & say things, ask questions, seek clarification plain and simple.

He is "stuck in a rut" right now and, from my perspective, severly depressed. He seems to have built a wall around himself but only won't let "me" in (that's my perception at least). His shallow online flirtations with female (and male)
friends continue despite the depression , and he describes this as stress relief.

In May, he lost his dream job; some weeks thereafter he shared with me that he doesn't feel he can give me the attention I deserve with all the stressful things he's facing in his life these days. I only recently discovered that, to him that meant - "let's just be friends for the time being"; I thought that meant he just needs emotional and physical "space." I am giving it to him willingly; we haven't seen each other for 4 months and weeks go by with no e-mails exchanged (we've never talked on the phone). I sought clarification this past weekend when he out of the blue invited me to visit, which subsequently fell through. The clarification conversation revealed that although he was all for hooking up this past weekend, in the greater scheme of things, he really means for us to be friends and that - although he wasn't interested in anyone else - if I met someone else he won't be mad.

Do any ISTP's in the house have "love" perspectives to share about this?

Looking back, I suspect he told me this in May (about not being able to give me the attention I deserve) because he can't "show" me his feelings through action and by nature a relationship with him (an ISTP) is dependent upon being able to do that? Since he's broke and depressed he's not in the mood to share any activities together and there's really nothing for "us" to talk about so...? He's looking for work (though to him that seems to mean "thinking" about looking for work). He's broke, but does not seem very motivated to remedy that, and his mother is very ill; she is his prime focus and concern at the moment; secondary focus is - "oh shit, I'm broke, have no job, no education, now what." And so he sits pretty much all day on his computer thinking about what to do next. And I really have no opinion about it other than I wish all of that didn't keep us apart and I wish there was something he would allow me to do help out. Well, there is...I can just be his friend, that's what he says he wants, so that's what I am.

I would be happy with just a platonic relationship with him (yes, I know the ISTP's of the forum are probably laughing here) ...while he tries to get
his life back on track (which will take months, perhaps years). The idea of
having a "platonic" relationship with him makes me laugh now, too, in thinking back at my efforts to have this with him over the 10 months I have "known" him in an LDR.

I'm sad that our relationship can't progress and that he's not motivated by "me," but I understand that ISTP's need internal motivation, not external. I really like him, accept him for who he is; I respect that he needs times like these to think things thorough. I see this as a positive thing for me since this time gives me, for once, time to think things though as well (whereas my partners and I have historically rushed into a relationship passionately, with lots of emotion).

Thanks to all the ISTP's on this thread for their perspective, it's helped me hang in there with silent question marks over my head during many months of confusion and hurt feelings. If nothing else, I have gained a great friend in him. He has told me he considers me a dear friend and one of the best people he's ever met - this means a lot more to me coming from an ISTP than any of the other guys I've been involved with I really cherish the times he's actually opened up to me about his feelings, or shared with me "bits" of his inner struggles. To me that shows a lot of trust.

Any further feedback from ISTP's on their "type" in love and relationships is welcome here.

 

[alicia91]

Sequestered - I don't really have anything insightful to say about the state of your relationship in terms of ISTPness. What really stood out though is how depressed he is and therefore lacking in motivation. I don't think anything can be resolved while he is in this state. I think you should try to help him with this just as a friend. As an ISTP, my friends can't convince me to do anything I don't want to - I need to come to the conclusion myself. What they can to is present information that I will then mull over, and make a decision about. When I had postpartum depression my mom gave me some info about it and mentioned some research she had done about it, and I sough treatment. Within weeks I was back to my old self.

Being broke, having a sick mom and being depressed all affect his ability to have a relationship with you. He needs to take care of that first.

 

[Jeffster]

Man, if you figure it out, let me know. My ISTP little brother seems to possibly be stuck in the same sort of rut. He told me recently that he read an online article that talked about the signs of "disorganized schizophrenia" and he said like 95 percent of the stuff applied to him. I feel so helpless, all I can do is talk to him online in our usual goofy manner, I don't really know anything I can do, and much like Alicia said, he's not the type that can be talked into anything he doesn't want to do.

 

[rhinosaur]

The clarification conversation revealed that although he was all for hooking up this past weekend, in the greater scheme of things, he really means for us to be friends and that - although he wasn't interested in anyone else - if I met someone else he won't be mad.

Do any ISTP's in the house have "love" perspectives to share about this?

If I read the situation correctly, he means exactly what he says. He would hook up with you, but is not willing to commit to a relationship at this point.

I know I and some other ISTPs I know find it nearly impossible to maintain long distance relationships, especially when there is no existing relationship to build upon. No amount of long-distance communication can substitute for face-to-face contact. I've tried long distance relationships before, and I cheated.

I also suspect he's not as depressed as you think he is. Rather, he is unsure what to do, and is stalling.



I get stuck in ruts, also, but always manage to work my way out of them. I really wouldn't worry, unless he starts lashing out in some fashion. Jeffster, this applies to your brother too.

 

[Randomnity]

If I read the situation correctly, he means exactly what he says. He would hook up with you, but is not willing to commit to a relationship at this point.

I know I and some other ISTPs I know find it nearly impossible to maintain long distance relationships, especially when there is no existing relationship to build upon. No amount of long-distance communication can substitute for face-to-face contact. I've tried long distance relationships before, and I cheated.

I also suspect he's not as depressed as you think he is. Rather, he is unsure what to do, and is stalling.

I get stuck in ruts, also, but always manage to work my way out of them. I really wouldn't worry, unless he starts lashing out in some fashion. Jeffster, this applies to your brother too.

This is spot-on, I agree.

 

[Jeffster]

I dunno, though. With my brother it seems to have lasted several years. How long does it take to work out of it?

 

[Sequestered]

I dunno, though. With my brother it seems to have lasted several years. How long does it take to work out of it?

Indeed, inquiring minds wanna know.

Does it not bother an ISTP who is "conserving motion" that s/he is passing up opportunities to better themselves and their life by refraining from "pursuit"?
(of anything: career, education, relationships).

While thinking about what to do next, and as a result hovering in "in-action," it seems that smart, capable, ISTP men and women are blowing their chances. This is the land of opportunity! You can be whatever you want to be and have whatever you want to have if you look long and hard enough and pursue it with great vigor!

Doesn't the ISTP have a spirit of adventure and spontineity? Why not go after things with zeal and try things out without knowing how things will turn out? Why sit and think things through so much and for so long before acting?

 

[aguanile]

Sequestered, do you really believe that anything is possible?

I think I used to think that, but have been let down enough that I don't anymore.

 

[alicia91]

I think you need to stop analyzing him as an ISTP and instead analyzing him as a depressed person. It affects everything.

While thinking about what to do next, and as a result hovering in "in-action," it seems that smart, capable, ISTP men and women are blowing their chances. This is the land of opportunity! You can be whatever you want to be and have whatever you want to have if you look long and hard enough and pursue it with great vigor!

Doesn't the ISTP have a spirit of adventure and spontineity? Why not go after things with zeal and try things out without knowing how things will turn out? Why sit and think things through so much and for so long before acting?

Personally, I'm a go-getter and don't try to conserve energy. I'm at the gym, recently went white-water rafting, run my own business, am always learning new things - and what you are describing to me doesn't seem to the the typical healthy ISTP. Wait until he's well, then take another look.

 

[Randomnity]

Indeed, inquiring minds wanna know.

Does it not bother an ISTP who is "conserving motion" that s/he is passing up opportunities to better themselves and their life by refraining from "pursuit"?
(of anything: career, education, relationships).

While thinking about what to do next, and as a result hovering in "in-action," it seems that smart, capable, ISTP men and women are blowing their chances. This is the land of opportunity! You can be whatever you want to be and have whatever you want to have if you look long and hard enough and pursue it with great vigor!

Doesn't the ISTP have a spirit of adventure and spontineity? Why not go after things with zeal and try things out without knowing how things will turn out? Why sit and think things through so much and for so long before acting?

I'm pretty sure this was in reference to the tendency to hover when unsure what course to take, or when you know you don't want to go down the path but aren't quite sure how to back out of it.

I don't have a problem pursuing things once I know that I want them. However, it's generally a good idea to think things through before acting, I think. Saves a lot of grief and drama.

 

[rhinosaur]

I dunno, though. With my brother it seems to have lasted several years. How long does it take to work out of it?

Well it will probably depend on your brother, and the situation, but I suspect that one day he'll just come out of it. Something will come along that will catch his attention, and he'll pursue it.

Does it not bother an ISTP who is "conserving motion" that s/he is passing up opportunities to better themselves and their life by refraining from "pursuit"?
(of anything: career, education, relationships).

While thinking about what to do next, and as a result hovering in "in-action," it seems that smart, capable, ISTP men and women are blowing their chances. This is the land of opportunity! You can be whatever you want to be and have whatever you want to have if you look long and hard enough and pursue it with great vigor!

Yes, it bothers me. But the "pursuit" of something meaningless is just being stuck in another rut, possibly deeper than the last.

I think the best analogy is that an ISTP is like an assassin... most of the time, they wait... and wait... but when the time is right, they STRIKE! and it's over. Sometimes the waiting gets to me, but waiting for the right time is imperative, otherwise the mission could fail. But other times, the time is never right, and I just wait my life away.

Doesn't the ISTP have a spirit of adventure and spontineity? Why not go after things with zeal and try things out without knowing how things will turn out? Why sit and think things through so much and for so long before acting?

I like adventure. I don't really care for spontaneity, most of the time.

I don't know why, but to attest to the truth in the last sentence: I just sat and thought for a long ass time about what to add to this response, but came up with nothing.

I think you need to stop analyzing him as an ISTP and instead analyzing him as a depressed person. It affects everything.

Personally, I'm a go-getter and don't try to conserve energy. I'm at the gym, recently went white-water rafting, run my own business, am always learning new things - and what you are describing to me doesn't seem to the the typical healthy ISTP. Wait until he's well, then take another look.

If he's depressed

...... sorry I'm distracted and can't finish this post

I'm pretty sure this was in reference to the tendency to hover when unsure what course to take, or when you know you don't want to go down the path but aren't quite sure how to back out of it.

I don't have a problem pursuing things once I know that I want them. However, it's generally a good idea to think things through before acting, I think. Saves a lot of grief and drama.

 

[entropie]

I think you need to stop analyzing him as an ISTP and instead analyzing him as a depressed person. It affects everything.

True, but that does not change a person

 

[Sequestered]

I think the best analogy is that an ISTP is like an assassin... most of the time, they wait... and wait... but when the time is right, they STRIKE! and it's over. Sometimes the waiting gets to me, but waiting for the right time is imperative, otherwise the mission could fail. But other times, the time is never right, and I just wait my life away.

This is a very good analogy and validates my observations of him. Furthermore, his online avatar is of him dressed up as a ninja - lol. Hearing you say these things helps me accept that this is really a part of his personality, it's just the way he is, and always will be.

If he's depressed...... sorry I'm distracted and can't finish this post

Can you come back and finish your thoughts here? I really would like to hear about them

 

[alicia91]

True, but that does not change a person

What do you mean? As far as I know from reading about it an personal experience it affects (among other things):

* motivation
* energy level (sleep patterns included)
* outlook on life (optimists often turn pessimistic)
* physical output
* more negative thoughts
* can't handle normal levels of stress (therefore afraid of complex relationships/tasks etc)
* moodswings or just low mood
*often accompanied by anxiety
* irrational thought patterns emerge - things blown out of proportion

??

 

[Kayin]

Yes, it bothers me. But the "pursuit" of something meaningless is just being stuck in another rut, possibly deeper than the last.

I totally agree with this statement.

I think the best analogy is that an ISTP is like an assassin... most of the time, they wait... and wait... but when the time is right, they STRIKE! and it's over. Sometimes the waiting gets to me, but waiting for the right time is imperative, otherwise the mission could fail. But other times, the time is never right, and I just wait my life away.

Yes, I very much comparable to a situation I get myself into a lot. I see a girl that I would really like to talk to/ask out, but there is an invisible wall its as if its almost like I'm mute or wont do it, and it isn't because I'm shy or nervous. If the timing isn't perfect or if the words arn't said just right and thought out failure is eminent, which is why ISTPs spend so much time waiting and thinking even if they miss the opportunity.

 

[observer84]

New here, my first post.

I've known an ISTP guy for a few years. We have friends in common, and randomly run into each other 5-10 times a year, on average. I know he is attracted to me and always has been, and I am attracted to him as well. For 3 years, there was no effort from either party to pursue anything, but go figure for an INTP and ISTP getting together. One time about a year ago, he asked for my number when extremely intoxicated, but he never called.

But after 3 years of being attracted to each other but not doing anything about it, he decided to go for it and we've been hanging out recently.

Much like INTP, ISTP's have genuine, unconditional and deep-seeded caring for certain people. It's hard to express with words because it cannot be described properly that way. IXTP can be uncomfortable with feelings and exposing themselves to getting hurt, so more often than not they give up before trying and avoid the need for personal (romantic) relationships.

To Sequestered:
I don't think it's wise to place your hopes for love in someone who doesn't seem inclined toward a relationship. When he is "ready," it may or may not be with you, and in the mean time do your best to focus on yourself. I was in a similar situation with an ISFP, so I know how useless this little piece of advice will be to smitten ears.

 

[Sequestered]

Great perspectives added by both Kayin and Observer84.

Kayin said, "If the timing isn't perfect or if the words arn't said just right and thought out, failure is eminent, which is why ISTPs spend so much time waiting and thinking even if they miss the opportunity."

This sounds very much like the ISTP I am interested in.

...and so does Observer's observations:

Much like INTP, ISTP's have genuine, unconditional and deep-seeded caring for certain people. It's hard to express with words because it cannot be described properly that way. IXTP can be uncomfortable with feelings and exposing themselves to getting hurt, so more often than not they give up before trying and avoid the need for personal (romantic) relationships.

...I agree with you here, too, Observer:

I don't think it's wise to place your hopes for love in someone who doesn't seem inclined toward a relationship. When he is "ready," it may or may not be with you, and in the mean time do your best to focus on yourself.

He's opened up to me recently (in his own way) and we straightened out what it is 'we do have.' Since his life is a mess right now (i.e., the time is not 'right' for a romantic relationship) he wants to just be friends. He's made it clear that I'm a dear friend, an amazing person, and that he's happy to have me in his life (his words) - which means so much coming from him!

True, when he's 'ready' it may or may not be with me, I may or may not be single any more, and I suppose with the laid back ISTP view of life he will not even view the circumstances as having been a missed opportunity with me. Regardless, we seem to value each others friendship and for now that's good enough for me.

I could see our 'just friends' relationship lasting for years....

 

[lauranna]

OK just read throught this, finding it a very interesting thread. While a lot of it makes a lot of sense to me as an ISTP (particularly how i behave in a relationship) some of it i find i am different.

If i am single i see someone i fancy and i pursue them. I find i never have a problem getting who i want and i am always brutally honest about what i want from them (which is pretty much always casual, no pressure, spending time together doing stuff and having a casual approach to sex) and a lot of types find this hard to deal with.
So i think if an ISTP tells you what they want from you, it may sound basic or way too uncomplicated but it probably is exactly what they want.
I think all i really want from a relationship is space, independence, someone fun to spend time with and do things with.
Sex is a purely physical thing to me. And to be honest it is often a game. I like the challenge of getting someone into bed. The more unobtainable the better.(Although it does seem like i am the only ISTP to be saying this!) And then, once i get what i want, i get bored and move on. I would say i can be very predatory and flirty but in a quiet way.
At the moment i am single but i have a couple of friends i have casual sex with in a purely physical way. Although one of them i think has stronger feelings for me and i think i am probably being unfair by leading her on. But i have always been 100% honest with her about what i want. But she i guess can't help her feelings.
On the other hand if someone pursues me and it is something i haven't decided, i feel very uncomfortable with it.

I have only had one long term relationship and that was with an ENFJ. I did love her and care about her a lot and i still do. Although i do not mourn the end of the relationship. It is over and there is little point in moping around about it. Interestingly as someone said earlier of the NFJ it appears she has dealt with the end of the relationship and moved on to a certain extent although i think she still blames herself.
When things were good between us i loved her outgoing personality and that we could do things together. I liked that she utterly adored me and cared for me. Things started off with my usual rules (I only do casual relationships and i don't do commitment.) And gradually i took each day as it came and because i liked her company and because i liked spending time with her before i knew it we had been together a long time.
I realised that she needed sex to be an emotional thing so i tried to pretend that i was emotionally attached at the right moments. I mean i was emotionally attached in my own way but to me, sex wasnt an expression of that.
Eventually she expected more from me. she spoke about marriage and children and put pressure on me to attend family things and spend more time with her. She wanted me to talk about my feelings. She wanted so much more of an emotional reaction which i just found myself unable to give. Which doesnt sound like a big deal but to me it was! We were together 4 and a half years. The last year of which the ENFJ buried her head in the sand and ignored our problems and differences.
I withdrew into myself and found myself stuck in a rut waiting and thinking. Waiting for the right moment to end it. (like the ISTP assassin i guess-waiting patiently!) I finally ended it and i feel so relieved to have my freedom back. And to have no pressures and no-one telling me i need to do this or i need to go here or there or whatever. I feel so much more energised now i am alone and making my own decisions about even the most basic things.

So I wouldn't say the ISTP/ENFJ relationship can't work cos it did for me, for 4 years and there were a lot of good things about it. But i guess if you are asking what an ISTP wants from a relationship to keep it going, the answer is- not a lot.
I would say:
Independence
time alone
No pressures and insistant planning for the future

In fact i would probably say that if we hadn't moved in together we would probably still be together.
But it is difficult as it is expected that after a certain amount of time you move in together and then get married and then have kids.

I would be really interested in how any of you ISTP's that are married cope with it?
It is just something i don't think i could ever do. I don't think i could ever say forever and mean it.

Any views on this welcome!

 

[BellaBambino]

I have to agree that ISTP's are completely irresistible. I have a major crush on one who I recently started talking to again... we had a thing a long time ago... and it's been about 5 years. The second I set eyes on him again that was about it for me and I became your typical ENFP "Captain Wildchild".... giddy, schoolgirl crush and all. He acted like the typical ISTP: Showing interest for a fleeting moment but once I tried to reciprocate he pulled back again. It's very frustrating. I feel so drawn to him that I keep bugging him and I know it annoyed him. I know I need to back off but I'm just PRAYING that I haven't run him off completely. I'm beginning to think I might actually love him, or that he and I are meant to be. Is that typical or am I just completely nuts? He's the only ISTP I know, and in my field of work it's nearly impossible for me to run into any other ISTP's. I typically work with ENFP's, ENFJ's and INTJ's.