Really long post ahead...
My first question is...How many of you feel that ESFJ's are often mistaken for us? I don't know a 1/4 as many ENFJ's as so many people on this forum say they do IRL. I actually have one woman I work with who tested ENFJ and besides her all my other NF friends IRL are ENFP (8), INFP (4) and INFJ (2). I actually know more INFJ's than I do ENFJ's
I'm beginning to suspect three possible ENFJs at my job. Unfortunately they work in other departments and I don't have enough sustained contact with them to be sure. I hate to try to constantly use my "feelings" as justification for something, but I just don't get the same feelings with ESJFs. With ESFJs we usually tend to agree about things but execution or how to approach the situation causes us to diverge very strongly. And then I'm left with this feeling that I like the person very much but we keep passing each other by somehow. There are quite a few ESFJs at my job and we get along great (most of them are under 30 and they'd given any ESFP a run for their money), but there's a disconnect somewhere unless we keep the conversation very structured on a given topic. I don't have this problem with older ESFJs so much (well it's not even a problem really just people differences). I guess that's due to their maturity. And given the fact that both types tend to be quite forthcoming with our feelings we have absolutely no problem telling the other what we think which leads to interesting conversations.
One thing that annoys me, and this is generally about MBTI, is people so heavily relying on "The Tests" to type people. I realize that I probably take MBTI and Jung's theories more seriously than most forum members, but if you can't use your brain and try to figure out what type someone is based on your knowledge of MBTI, then why don't you chill with typing people until you have some understanding. A lot of these type misunderstandings arise from a person being incorrectly typed, usually because the typer is using a superficial knowledge of type theory. The most easily typed people are the ones that are textbook examples and I find that most people aren't that clear cut. I think some people see Fe and look for a few superficial signs to indicate Si or Ni and that's it, usually Si if they don't like them and Ni if they do. Aside from being able to identify whether the person's an introvert or extrovert and narrowing down from there, it takes me a while to truly type someone to the point I feel is more than superficial. Even after all that I can still get thrown. One of my INTJ coworkers (I knew she was NT but couldn't figure out which one) I thought was ENTP. I asked her if she knew about MBTI and she told me she was INTJ. She knew enough about it to be confident in the INTJ reading. *shrug*
As for being confused for an ESFJ, no one I know is into MBTI so they don't confuse me for anything other than who I am. I acknowledge that I may be an ESFJ who doesn't know the difference between Si and Ni. Lookin4 gave a
good description in this thread.
How many ENFJ's here have found themselves walking away from an encounter (particularly an emotional one) feeling as if there was no way you could have been clearer about how you felt and yet the other person seems to be deliberately taking what you've said and making it only your issue instead of accepting some part in the situation?....
Wait was the above clear?
Is this more about ENFJ perception of conflict or could it be others taking advantage of an ENFJ's clear want and need of relative peace in terms of interpersonal relationships? (in other words definately NOT drama queens)
Drama queens? LOL. I'm not going to say I don't like a little innocent entertainment when things get boring. That's just me though
I have no problem observing conflict when I'm not involved in any way. I don't feel a need to go make things better if it has nothing to do with me. My tolerance of conflict depends on the type of relationship. I have low tolerance professionally and romantically, high tolerance with my family and friends. I don't like my character being besmirched and that tends to be something that is more likely to happen professionally and romantically.
One of the things that ENFJs have to work on is our tolerance of conflict and not trying to leap in and fix it or get passive about it. I was in two sustained high stress situations for nearly two years, where I couldn't sleep and I was getting migraines all the time. I was filled with so much dread at having to deal with the people that I felt was the source of the problem and every attempt to fix it so that I could feel some peace was resisted. After awhile there were things I just couldn't be bothered with because it was such an adverse affect on me and I began to not care. I don't know if that was the healthy way to deal with it, but I didn't know how else to do except to turn completely off and become apathetic to the situation.
I've gotten burned trying to make things better for people. I don't want to come across as having The Answer to All Your Problems so I say little. This is be extreme, but when someone is clearly making a bad decision I just sit there and do my best INFP impression by telling them to do what they feel is right. It's difficult because the words are burning a hole in my mouth and I kinda think I do know what's best
, but unless the person asks for it what can you do.
Pinkpiranha wrote something about always attracting broken people in another thread that I really identified with. At the ripe age of 22 when I tried to be everyone's psychotherapist I looked around me and noticed the people I attracted. I noticed that I was basically their caretaker and I resist being that. I don't want to be anyone's rock, it really is too much pressure. Or rather, it's I don't want to have someone develop an unhealthy dependence on me. I felt like I was being cast in a role I really didn't want to be in. Some people felt so little love and stability when they were growing up they they latch onto the first people that show them some kindness and care about their well-being. Sometimes, their grip is too tight, it becomes suffocating and constrictive and I began to feel like if I wanted out of the relationship, it wouldn't be easy the closer we became. No they're not doing anything wrong per se, but you feel them attaching themselves to you and it's not symbiotic. I felt that with these people in particular, and I had to back away from them. I'm still trying to distance myself from one of them.
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I have a couple of questions myself. I've got plenty more, but I'll start with these.
What aspects of Fe resound with you the most? Those that know about MBTI tend to emphasize the more traditional aspects of Fe, i.e., not having any feelings that can't be expressed in a 4x5 greeting card sealed in a pastel colored envelope.
I break Fe down into these basic components:
- creating harmony through shared values; reducing group/interpersonal conflict
- assessing and fulfilling needs (emotional, physical, spiritual); active concern
- expressing feelings
How do you distinguish/express your Fe feelings and your Fi feelings? Do you try to separate your private values from public values? Is there a difference? If so, do you integrate them?
Jung describes Fe as being extensive (broader in scope/comprehensive) rather than intensive (Fi- highly concentrated/intense). I think this leads people to believe that Fe is shallow, like nothing is ever felt to the core or the only thing EFJs value is what society says to value and I don't think that's true. I'm not understanding what Fi could value that Fe doesn't. Compassion, empathy/sympathy, truth, kindness, mercy, justice, patience, etc. these ideas don't inhabit different spheres in my mind.
Thanks!
