[NF] INFJ/P: Highest in marital dissatisfaction...

[Synarch]

Here's something I haven't seen anyone consider. Maybe INFJ/INFP are also more likely to be at an extremes of happiness or unhappiness?

 

[runvardh]

Yikes! Yea, I could see how this wouldn't work from my pov. I would only do this under extreme duress.......say a gun pointed to my head. ha.

I see what people see as the traditional point of marriage, but I really don't see the point of this official contract binding everyone until death. The real thing would happen naturally and just continue on its own. Also, if there comes a time for it to end I think it should end. Marriage sets people up to stay together for the wrong reasons.

Only if you go into it for the wrong reasons.

 

[proteanmix]

Here's something I haven't seen anyone consider. Maybe INFJ/INFP are also more likely to be at an extremes of happiness or unhappiness?

Yes that's possible and it's called neuroticism and at worst it's bipolar disorder. Are there benefits in existing at emotional extremes?

 

[runvardh]

Yes that's possible and it's called neuroticism and at worst it's bipolar disorder. Are there benefits in existing at emotional extremes?

But I love the rollercoaster ride!

There's nothing better than the adrenaline and endorphine rushes everytime you hit those bumps and troughs!

:steam: :SaiyanSmilie_anim:

 

[PeaceBaby]

From the provided link:

INFJ: "Highest of all types in marital dissatisfaction"
INFP: "Second highest of all types to report marital dissatisfaction"

First these are quite vague statements and it would be interesting to see the evidence backing this.

Next, of interest to me is the word "report" - reminds me of medical studies where women are most likely to report problem X or symptom Y compared to men. Could this not be the very same effect - that INFP's and INFJ's are most likely to admit to experiencing certain issues; indeed, their emotional sensitivity is geared to knowing issues exist where other types may be more likely to skip over them or not even notice any problem?

Me personally, I am married to an ESTJ (20 years +) and am very happy with my choice. It really is annoying to read posts that boldly assert they could never have a relationship with an ESTJ - I say try it out it for yourself before you say that, it may be a lot better for you than you realize.

I think the key to every relationship is open communication rather than some chemical formula according to MBTI. When people use MBTI this way is reminds me of match-making by horoscope.

 

[BlackCat]

From the provided link:

INFJ: "Highest of all types in marital dissatisfaction"
INFP: "Second highest of all types to report marital dissatisfaction"

First these are quite vague statements and it would be interesting to see the evidence backing this.

Pretty much what I thought. "Says who? This website?"

Otherwise, your post has wise words that hopefully other people can take to heart.

 

[Orangey]

^^Well, they do cite their sources, so you can check and see if it's just them asserting a random number, or if it actually came from a study. Whether the study (if it exists) was interpreted correctly or was conducted with proper scientific rigor is another matter as well.

MBTI Manual, Third Edition, Briggs Myers et. al.
Introduction to Type and Careers, Hammer
Just Your Type, Tieger and Barron-Tieger
Please Understand Me II, David Keirsey
Do What You Are, Tieger and Barron-Tieger
Quick Guide to the 16 Personality Types in Organizations, Berens et. al.

 

[Southern Kross]

According to a certain typology webpage, the INFJ is the highest of all types in marital dissatisfaction, and the INFP is the second highest of all types

Here's the link. PersonalityDesk - Learning Center - INFP in Careers, Relationships, Leadership, Parenting

Now, this makes sense because both types tend to be quite idealistic, and presumably their high standards can be difficult to reconcile with reality. I know that's true in my case. So, any thoughts/experience on the matter? It would be great to know other INFP/INFJ opinions

Great. That just makes my day :sad:

Its to be expected I guess but honestly I can't help my high standards. I don't relate to people in general as well as others, so the pool of people I feel attracted to is going to be significantly smaller than that of others. On top of that my mind seems to be remarkably well tuned to finding faults in people I do like. And its not like I don't try to be positive and upbeat, and force myself to make an effort. In fact I put more effort in than almost everyone else I meet.

Personally, I would love nothing more than to be easily pleased and won over. Life would be a lot easier.

 

[OrangeAppled]

From the provided link:

INFJ: "Highest of all types in marital dissatisfaction"
INFP: "Second highest of all types to report marital dissatisfaction"

First these are quite vague statements and it would be interesting to see the evidence backing this.

Next, of interest to me is the word "report" - reminds me of medical studies where women are most likely to report problem X or symptom Y compared to men. Could this not be the very same effect - that INFP's and INFJ's are most likely to admit to experiencing certain issues; indeed, their emotional sensitivity is geared to knowing issues exist where other types may be more likely to skip over them or not even notice any problem?

Me personally, I am married to an ESTJ (20 years +) and am very happy with my choice. It really is annoying to read posts that boldly assert they could never have a relationship with an ESTJ - I say try it out it for yourself before you say that, it may be a lot better for you than you realize.

I think the key to every relationship is open communication rather than some chemical formula according to MBTI. When people use MBTI this way is reminds me of match-making by horoscope.

I agree! I am always wary of these kinds of studies....

 

[Rhapsody]

I don't relate to people in general as well as others, so the pool of people I feel attracted to is going to be significantly smaller than that of others. On top of that my mind seems to be remarkably well tuned to finding faults in people I do like. And its not like I don't try to be positive and upbeat, and force myself to make an effort. In fact I put more effort in than almost everyone else I meet.

Personally, I would love nothing more than to be easily pleased and won over. Life would be a lot easier.

+1

Although I think a lot of people have made good points about the possible validity of the study, I personally would not be surprised if it were true. I can barely find anyone I'm attracted to enough to date casually, so I often find myself wondering how I'm going to deal with a LTR when I can't even make it out of the gate. I don't even know if I am capable of true, two-way love ... the only people I seem to "love" are people who are unattainable in some way (and that's probably because they're easier to idealize).

I know it's a problem. I want to work to change it, but whenever I've tried to give someone a chance, it's always ended badly (i.e. with me leaving the relationship and them getting hurt). It's a catch-22, and for now I'm staying out of the relationship game entirely lest I leave more carnage in my wake.

Yes, I would love it if I were won over easily. On the other hand, I'm well aware that there are happily married INFPs out there, so obviously there's hope.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Although I think a lot of people have made good points about the possible validity of the study, I personally would not be surprised if it were true. I can barely find anyone I'm attracted to enough to date casually, so I often find myself wondering how I'm going to deal with a LTR when I can't even make it out of the gate. I don't even know if I am capable of true, two-way love ... the only people I seem to "love" are people who are unattainable in some way (and that's probably because they're easier to idealize).

I know it's a problem. I want to work to change it, but whenever I've tried to give someone a chance, it's always ended badly (i.e. with me leaving the relationship and them getting hurt). It's a catch-22, and for now I'm staying out of the relationship game entirely lest I leave more carnage in my wake.

Yes, I would love it if I were won over easily. On the other hand, I'm well aware that there are happily married INFPs out there, so obviously there's hope.

Okay, yeah, I admit this is me also. I am never attracted to anyone enough to have a serious relationship. I end up cutting out early because they express deeper feelings than me and I'm feeling almost nothing at all. Of course, those I latch onto and imagine I could feel deeply for are "unavailable" to me in some way. Key word being "imagine", because it is just fantasy.

However, I feel a lot for close friends & family, so I think it is possible. Even though I idealize people and then find their faults easily, I also forgive faults easily because I can find excuses easily for them.

It's just finding those few compatible people out there as I don't click easily with just anyone. I feel if/when I do find someone, I'd be capable of a very deep & committed love, and that almost frightens me too.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

Next, of interest to me is the word "report" - reminds me of medical studies where women are most likely to report problem X or symptom Y compared to men. Could this not be the very same effect - that INFP's and INFJ's are most likely to admit to experiencing certain issues; indeed, their emotional sensitivity is geared to knowing issues exist where other types may be more likely to skip over them or not even notice any problem?

I agree with this. I think INFs are naturally very relationship-focused and the closer you look, the more flaws you will find. Idealization is more of an issue in the beginning of relationships for me, not so much after they have become long-term.

 

[Synarch]

I agree with this. I think INFs are naturally very relationship-focused and the closer you look, the more flaws you will find. Idealization is more of an issue in the beginning of relationships for me, not so much after they have become long-term.

I think this is why they need to find someone who is equally relationship focused.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

I think this is why they need to find someone who is equally relationship focused.

Agreed. INFs should just be with each other

Kidding.

 

[Synarch]

Agreed. INFs should just be with each other

Kidding.

I'm pretty hands on. Constantly taking the temperature of things. Need a lot of communication.

 

[heart]

I understand and do the same thing. But the question is why talk about it? I never discuss problems if I know I don't want to hear anyone run their mouth off with their opinions...

Fe dom people, at least in my experience, need to talk out their feelings and thoughts to make decisions, they need a sounding board. If they ask for it, then I am willing to be a sounding board, ask leading questions or give comiseration, etc..not with the intent to solve their problem but to help them get more in touch with what they feel/think/want in that moment. My husband INFJ and he really needs to talk deeply with me about his feelings/thoughts on daily basis.

Fi's, again at least in my experience, will talk more about what they feel/think after they have processed it and they are seeking to know how much in harmony they are with their thoughts/feelings with those who matter to them and also just for sheer self expression to a few souls about what they think/feel.

Neither necessarily wants advice or someone to solve their problem when doing so. Unless they ask.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

I'm pretty hands on. Constantly taking the temperature of things. Need a lot of communication.

You're an ENTP with gooey NF insides. Or is that all ENTPs?

 

[Synarch]

You're an ENTP with gooey NF insides. Or is that all ENTPs?

Truth be known. When I was in college I tested as ENFP.

 

[Skyward]

Fe dom people, at least in my experience, need to talk out their feelings and thoughts to make decisions, they need a sounding board. If they ask for it, then I am willing to be a sounding board, ask leading questions or give comiseration, etc..not with the intent to solve their problem but to help them get more in touch with what they feel/think/want in that moment. My husband INFJ and he really needs to talk deeply with me about his feelings/thoughts on daily basis.

Fi's, again at least in my experience, will talk more about what they feel/think after they have processed it and they are seeking to know how much in harmony they are with their thoughts/feelings with those who matter to them and also just for sheer self expression to a few souls about what they think/feel.

Neither necessarily wants advice or someone to solve their problem when doing so. Unless they ask.

That's probably why INFJs seem to be more flexible with their feelings (In my experience). They aren't as attuned in them as an INFP might be, since Fi is obviously more self based, they don't need to externalize the feeling to 'hear what it sounds like' or have someone reword it to make it make new sense (Which is what happens to me).

Also, I think it's what can make INFPs more stubborn. They've already worked out their feelings, why should the other person assume that since the feelings are being disclosed, that they should be discussed?

As a young person new to relationships and the like, I struggle with subjectivity when thinking about the other person. I can't quantitatively think about the traits of the person excluding bias without effort and a good thinking environment. The roller-coaster is fun only because it feeds my INFJ need to evolve in some way, it keeps the waters stirred and not stagnant, so to speak.

 

[heart]

Also, I think it's what can make INFPs more stubborn. They've already worked out their feelings, why should the other person assume that since the feelings are being disclosed, that they should be discussed?

I think most INFP want harmony with the people closest to them. They will listen and flex if they are convinced it is right to do so. But a personal appeal always works best. Any kind of attempt to shame using social norms or "shoulds" or "everyone else thinks/feels this way, you should too" will bring the stubborness out and then place the INFP in a inner turmoil between feeling they cannot compromise themselves and feeling very bad about it.