I's & E's intimidate each other?

[substitute]

Just now I was thinking about how I am at church, because I have to be aware when leading worship or even when I'm not, as I'm known as a sorta 'key' person, that I'm expected to take a special interest in the welfare of each individual in the congregation. But I'm also aware that each individual is different and what's great for one can be crappy for another, and whether I'm working in the local parish church or the cathedral, the atmosphere tends to be generally quite reverent, it's used all day every day as a sorta pop in prayer centre if you will, people come in and out and they have all different things on their minds.

And you never know who's gonna come in the door. Sometimes they come in and they just want to be left alone to pray or get their heads together, not for any negative reason but it's just their 'space'; sometimes they feel the need to pray because things are going wrong in their lives - sometimes they want to talk about it, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they're even people who aren't religious and have never set foot in a church before. It's hard to judge the right way to approach, or not approach each person so that they don't walk away feeling that their needs weren't met.

What I tend to do is, first off, I'll just sorta look like I'm busy doing something that *could* wait. So I don't come off as desperate to grab them (like the waiter in the empty restaurant that swoops upon the couple that enters lol), but yet don't give the impression that I'm too terribly busy with important things to talk to them. And I'll make eye contact and acknowledge them with a smile and a 'hello' to say y'know, I'm receptive. Then I'll carry on with what I'm doing so I don't come over as sorta staring at them, but occasionally glance surreptitiously to check what vibe I'm getting from them.

Sometimes they start talking to me as soon as they come in and I say hi, and they never shut up lol If a service is going on or about to, or has just finished, then I tend to look for people who are sitting alone and try to find out whether they're okay or want some company, without seeming intrusive or whatever. I might say "mind if I sit with you?" so they don't worry that they were giving off desperate vibes lol and then if after I've sat with them I'm getting that they'd rather be alone, I'll just make an excuse and leave them, but make sure they know they can come get me if they want. But if I get that they're awkward or not at ease somehow, maybe all at sea and not knowing the etiquette then I'll usually talk to them more sorta openly to ease them up and reassure them that they're welcome and not to worry and answer any questions and stuff.

But it really is quite a difficult balancing act and I try so hard to get it right. Once or twice though I have been mortified to find out later that someone I thought I was helping to feel welcome has later said to someone else that they just wanted five minutes alone but this busy body kept yabbering on at them...

What would the introverts here say as advice to me then, supposing you were in my church, how would you want me to behave towards you ideally? Taking the obligatory odd response of "fuck off, like as if I'd ever be in a church you lunatic religious idiot, there is no God!!" has already been made?

 

[mortabunt]

Extraverts find me scary because I somehow sneak up on them while they are talking and they don't understand me.

 

[whimsical]

i scare extroverts probably because i look like i am thinking some extremely deep thoughts, but i am saying nothing about anything i am thinking

 

[Wild horses]

Absolutely... I don't think that intimidation is exclusive to the I's at all I can be intimidated by them too.. their silence and introspection can throw me through a loop and then there's the lack of feedback. You alomst feel like you are reaching for something in the dark with them... But they are generally FABULOUS!

 

[raz]

i scare extroverts probably because i look like i am thinking some extremely deep thoughts, but i am saying nothing about anything i am thinking

LOL, yeah. That's the fun part. Like, for instance, my family is planning a vacation in ~2 weeks. We were in the kitchen last night thinking about where to go, and for 25 minutes, my ESFJ mother, ESFJ sister and ENFJ sister were all talking about what to do. I just sat there quiet in the middle of them the whole time, thinking to myself about what I wanted to do and what I wanted to get out of the vacation. I maybe said 2 sentences that whole half hour.

My mother asked me twice, "What are you in deep thought over?" I just said "a lot of stuff." I was honestly thinking to myself, "Where could we go on vacation? What will it be like? Who will go with us? What will it be like going on vacation with 3-4 family members? Is that something I really want to do? Will I actually be able to relax? Maybe I'd rather be alone on my days off? Will I have to keep up with my family while I'm there? Does the place we go to affect the quality of relaxation I'll have and how much? If I stay home, what will I do alone? Will it be worth it? Would I rather be working and save the time off for another time?"

Then after a half hour of asking myself those questions and analyzing the answers, I just openly said, "I know normally I'd jump in the car to go with you guys, but I think on my days off of school and work, I'd rather be alone. At least with me not there, you won't have to worry about my opinion of where we're going, so you'll have more freedom in where you can go." That's just how it works for me. It was more necessary for me to sit and address my personal concerns rather than speculate with 3 ExFJs.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I am intimidated by extroverts because I feel like they are holding me to a standard I am incapable of meeting. I always feel judged by them, and like they willfully misunderstand me. It is very hurtful to be called "aloof", "boring" or "rude" simply because you are quiet.

E's can overwhelm you too. There's so many times I do have much to say, but they can bulldoze over you and not give you the chance to participate.
It's confusing, because they seem like they are annoyed by your reservedness, but they're blocking the opening to your shell so you can't come out even when you try.

Not all extroverts are like this. I find some very refreshing because they will steer a conversation & keep it afloat, but it will have a nice back & forth flow to it. A lot of them appreciate that I am a good listener & will speak when I have something thoughtful to say.

I think someone in here referred to introverts as deers in headlights with conversations with extroverts, and I'd say that is pretty true. We have to be approached cautiously and gently, or we may freeze up & run away. It's a defense mechanism. We may be afraid of being judged as intense and/or weird to others if we leave ourselves vulnerable. I am kind of a hot & cold person. I maintain a safe distance or let the floodgates open. Warm small-talk is like a foreign language.

I am not sure why introverts are intimidating, but I suppose it is because we cannot be read easily. I have been told I am intimidating, but I am actually very friendly if people initiate a conversation. I do not have a "go away" attitude, however my quiet and awkward demeanor comes off.

I can see how people find me boring at first or frustrating to pull out of my shell. I've known introverts I felt that way about, because it was exhausting for me to be the one to do all the talking & try and get some response.

 

[Frank]

I am so close to the border on the I/E scale that I honestly don't have much problem relating to either as long as they are not too extreme in their preference. Extreme introverts can make you wonder what the hell they are thinking and if you should attack first just to be safe while the extreme extroverts just make me want to bitch-slap em. I know this sounds a little violent but I'm talking the 1% ers. The rest I'm cool with.

 

[Sniffles]

The E doesn't know it, but he's making the I feel bombarded and like you describe nolla. But the I doesn't realise that by retreating further and further they're making the E feel like nothing they can do or say is of any interest, that they're seen as contemptible and not worth their time. Without realising it, the I is making the E feel very frustrated and even hurt, because as far as the E is concerned, if someone has something to say then why don't they just say it? And if they don't have anything to say and just don't feel like talking, why not just say that also? Why sit there and let me blabber on, boring you to death??

This seems to accurately describe issues I've had with one ENFP friend. She's always constantly wondering why I don't share more of myself with her, since there's much for me to share. She even admitted to feeling "helpless" when it seemed like I would retreat into myself whenever she tried helping me during troubled times. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate the help, but as you said, I did honestly feel "bombarded" and put on the spot by her at various times.

 

[lane777]

Just now I was thinking about how I am at church, because I have to be aware when leading worship or even when I'm not, as I'm known as a sorta 'key' person, that I'm expected to take a special interest in the welfare of each individual in the congregation. But I'm also aware that each individual is different and what's great for one can be crappy for another, and whether I'm working in the local parish church or the cathedral, the atmosphere tends to be generally quite reverent, it's used all day every day as a sorta pop in prayer centre if you will, people come in and out and they have all different things on their minds.

And you never know who's gonna come in the door. Sometimes they come in and they just want to be left alone to pray or get their heads together, not for any negative reason but it's just their 'space'; sometimes they feel the need to pray because things are going wrong in their lives - sometimes they want to talk about it, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they're even people who aren't religious and have never set foot in a church before. It's hard to judge the right way to approach, or not approach each person so that they don't walk away feeling that their needs weren't met.

What I tend to do is, first off, I'll just sorta look like I'm busy doing something that *could* wait. So I don't come off as desperate to grab them (like the waiter in the empty restaurant that swoops upon the couple that enters lol), but yet don't give the impression that I'm too terribly busy with important things to talk to them. And I'll make eye contact and acknowledge them with a smile and a 'hello' to say y'know, I'm receptive. Then I'll carry on with what I'm doing so I don't come over as sorta staring at them, but occasionally glance surreptitiously to check what vibe I'm getting from them.

Sometimes they start talking to me as soon as they come in and I say hi, and they never shut up lol If a service is going on or about to, or has just finished, then I tend to look for people who are sitting alone and try to find out whether they're okay or want some company, without seeming intrusive or whatever. I might say "mind if I sit with you?" so they don't worry that they were giving off desperate vibes lol and then if after I've sat with them I'm getting that they'd rather be alone, I'll just make an excuse and leave them, but make sure they know they can come get me if they want. But if I get that they're awkward or not at ease somehow, maybe all at sea and not knowing the etiquette then I'll usually talk to them more sorta openly to ease them up and reassure them that they're welcome and not to worry and answer any questions and stuff.

But it really is quite a difficult balancing act and I try so hard to get it right. Once or twice though I have been mortified to find out later that someone I thought I was helping to feel welcome has later said to someone else that they just wanted five minutes alone but this busy body kept yabbering on at them...

What would the introverts here say as advice to me then, supposing you were in my church, how would you want me to behave towards you ideally? Taking the obligatory odd response of "fuck off, like as if I'd ever be in a church you lunatic religious idiot, there is no God!!" has already been made?

Your strategizing is touching But to randomly sit beside an introvert would in such a way would be a serious invasion of space. Perhaps even for some extroverts. What has worked very well for my church is to have a designated area for prayer requests and another for those who wish to be alone. Anyone from either area can choose to switch at any time. This method has proven very successful, especially for new comers who would prefer to be spectators before taking part in prayer.

 

[Lacey]

I am intimidated by extroverts because I feel like they are holding me to a standard I am incapable of meeting. I always feel judged by them, and like they willfully misunderstand me. It is very hurtful to be called "aloof", "boring" or "rude" simply because you are quiet.

E's can overwhelm you too. There's so many times I do have much to say, but they can bulldoze over you and not give you the chance to participate.
It's confusing, because they seem like they are annoyed by your reservedness, but they're blocking the opening to your shell so you can't come out even when you try.

True true. I guess this is more annoying than intimidating though.

I don't think I'm intimidating to anybody...just the thought makes me laugh. But who knows?

 

[mortabunt]

Extraverts fear introverts because they think we are dangerous and strange. Introverts find extraverts intimidating because they are a wall of uncalled for loudness and won't STFU for even five seconds to reason before firing their vocal cords.

 

[Verfremdungseffekt]

It isn't that obvious If I feel like I'm going out of my way to make someone feel welcome and that I want their participation, it isn't obvious at all that this would make them feel intimidated or whatever.

It can be incredibly intrusive, depending on the level and nature of the input the introvert is receiving. It overwhelms the system, clogging the pathways, making it impossible to think or react. This may be taken as a sort of an attack. Not a deliberate one, probably, but just difficult to handle.

The introvert generally only has so much energy to devote to social issues, and it can feel like the extravert is draining that energy like a vampire, without the introvert's permission. When that energy is gone, the Introvert can become depressed, even dizzy. It's a pretty important resource to keep track of.

There's also an issue of space and time. The introvert tends to need a bunch more room to work much more slowly, and feels like the extravert is not only demanding something very difficult, but actively getting in the way of the processes the introvert needs to respond.

Think of it as two sinks; the introvert has a very narrow drain, and the extravert an enormous one. The more water you pour into the introvert's sink, the more indiscriminately, the easier it overflows. The extravert's sink, though -- you can pour in gallons at a time and it's all dandy. The extravert assumes all sinks are the same, so dumps a barrel into the introvert's sink, then is surprised when most of it ends up on the kitchen floor. And ultimately blames the sink.

All that said, when the introvert knows the extravert well enough, and some level of trust is established, it's easier for the introvert to figure out how to respond in a way that the extravert needs.

EDIT: Whoa. Somehow didn't realize how old the posts were, or how long the thread was. Well. There it is, anyway.

 

[Verfremdungseffekt]

Well, since I'm here.

I hate conversations like, "So! What do you like to do for fun?" I have no idea how to answer that.

Somehow it throws me for a loop when people ask me how I'm doing, or what I've been up to. Every single time. I have to stop and think. Wait, how am I doing? Have I been doing anything? After a moment I usually mutter something noncommittal, realizing it'll take too long to figure out.

Yet if someone approaches me with a specific question or statement, about something of specific interest to me, I could yammer on forever with that person.

 

[Verfremdungseffekt]

Working back to the present...

I am not sure why introverts are intimidating...

I guess because we're like ghosts? Ephemera that can't be nailed down.

The deer thing makes me think of shinto spirits -- depending on your outlook, they're either beautiful and intriguing or creepy as hell.

 

[Lady_X]

Extraverts fear introverts because they think we are dangerous and strange. Introverts find extraverts intimidating because they are a wall of uncalled for loudness and won't STFU for even five seconds to reason before firing their vocal cords.

yeah...not at all true in my experience. i'm very rarely intimidated but certainly no more intimidated by introverts and...i know introverts that talk more then some extraverts...so GIVE ME A BREAK!

 

[BlahBlahNounBlah]

Extraverts fear introverts because they think we are dangerous and strange. ...

You don't know what you're talking about.

 

[A Schnitzel]

You don't know what you're talking about.

Mortabunt don't fall for her intimidation tactics.

You don't have to put up with that from an extrovert *spits*.

 

[mortabunt]

Lady X, don't shoot me, I haz you boyfrend.
Schinitzel, I am aware that high degree extraverts (like need to party like hell and start losing their marbles after an hour or two alone) are the scum of the earth, but at least be subtle about it.

 

[A Schnitzel]

Lady X, don't shoot me, I haz you boyfrend.
Schinitzel, I am aware that high degree extraverts (like need to party like hell and start losing their marbles after an hour or two alone) are the scum of the earth, but at least be subtle about it.

I don't do subtle. I like my sarcasm blunt.

 

[Lady_X]

Lady X, don't shoot me, I haz you boyfrend.
Schinitzel, I am aware that high degree extraverts (like need to party like hell and start losing their marbles after an hour or two alone) are the scum of the earth, but at least be subtle about it.

uh...whatever the hell you mean by that.