[sx] Struggling with lack of intensity

[Peter Deadpan]

I'm not changing my type, per se, but I am confessing to struggling with a lack of intensity or "life juice".

I'm very single, very friendless, very naturally asocial and withdrawn, and feel little need do change any of this both for the sake of growth, and because humans are too demanding.

But, what do I do when I crave that intimate connection? I know it doesn't have to be a person, but I've struggled finding a thing that replaces it. I've dabbled in photography, hiking, foraging, art, and buying things that "make me happy", but I always end up on the couch at night wanting more.

Generally, I tend to succumb to exhibitionism in one form or another, which I eventually grew ashamed of. Now, I'm more comfortable with accepting that aspect of my personality, but I still don't want to go completely overboard with it.

So, what do you frustrated sexuals do when life leaves you feeling internally restless and unsatisfied?

 

[FemMecha]

bellydance classes help me, except I'm confused by the ones in my new town because they wear up to fifty pounds of fabric. it makes me kinda sad to think about it and quite confused to make sense of why. dance is helpful for emotional intensity and expression.

I also listen to metal music and other intense music.

 

[Red Memories]

Well on the more negative side of things I shall remember dark memories, brood upon my intense emotions, and turn them into intense angry or depressed art.

On a slightly less negative side, I will provoke this intensity into some sort of cause or passion. This may include writing a 5,000 word reply to someone about why this album is so much better than the other album. Almost obsessive...

On a far healthier side, I will indulge in catharsis. Reading books or listening to music that capture the intensity. Help breed on the fantasies.

But truly,
*high five for relatability* I have been a halfway asocial Sx dom for a bit now after some negative experiences cuz humans can really suck ass you know? XD

 

[Yuurei]

I wish I had an answer. I do nothing. My physically disabilities leave me without any sort of outlet ( and I'm not satisfied with anything less) so I'm just bored and restless 24/7

 

[Luminous]

Music, yes. Dancing, yes. Getting lost doing something I love, like photography. Numbing myself with internet or tv.

But, for me, the pain doesn't really go away for very long. I might find the place, or activity, or person I love and connect so fiercely with, but it's always temporary. You can't stay in paradise forever. You can't photograph the autumn leaves forever, they'll fall to the ground and the wind will chill you. You can't spend every moment with that someone who simultaneously sates your thirst and makes you want to drink more until you're drunk on them, who consumes you, who you'd happily go up in flames for, if you even do find one.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

I wish I had an answer. I do nothing. My physically disabilities leave me without any sort of outlet ( and I'm not satisfied with anything less) so I'm just bored and restless 24/7

That's very frustrating, I feel for you. I relate but I can't say I'm significantly physically disabled. Mentally and emotionally though? That tends to make me stagnant/ineffectual.

I hope things improve for you somehow.

 

[cascadeco]

I stare bleakly at nothing.

I mean I think that's part of the nature of it; I'm not sure there's anything to DO about it. Highs by nature cannot last. I might in theory crave them and savor them when I am immersed in something like that, but there's also the knowledge it won't and cannot last so that's the bleakness. But yes, me being dissatisfied with what I'm doing with my life/my life in general is a well known feeling. As is loneliness.

I guess it's why I try to just be at peace and take it for what it is; if I need to sit and do nothing and be dissatisfied about it, so be it. I know too that won't last. The people element is trickier. I always end up preferring to be on my own and preferring loneliness over going out into 'groups' or trying to actively meet people.

Things that keep me in better overall frames of mind? Ensuring that I stay physically active, and get out into nature enough. But also it's important for me to listen to my body when it just wants to mope at home. Sometimes I need a day of moping.

Summary: I don't really have an answer. For me I'm not sure it's solvable. I deeply enjoy and experience great moments of richness and connection and thankfully always have, but these are bright wonderful blips in an otherwise pretty calm solitary life. Edit: I am convinced this is a main element of why traveling and seeing new places can almost be classified as a 'need' for me. It really does fulfill that 'life intensity' and richness piece, even if just for that duration. But I also know I don't desire to perpetually travel; that would grow tiresome. I like having a home too much too.

Edit 2:Sorry, obviously not sx dom.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

This feeling of lack is why I indulge in drinking, far too often as of late. I'm stubborn in that I find excuses not to try something different, or just simply don't do it and make no excuse for doing so. Drinking and listening to music and dancing has become a favorite, but it's significantly less natural for me to do something like that without a substance.

Why can't drinking just be good for you?

I'd be satisfied if I could replace it with physical activity, but the high never lives up to my expectations, and I never stick to it for more than a couple months.

 

[Population: 1]

I didn’t learn to enjoy simple things until I almost died. In a way, I wish I had almost died back in my 20’s to snap my ass out of a lame malaise I spent years wandering around in. I tried livening things up with drugs (nothing too hardcore but still) and wasted time when I could’ve been enjoying an afternoon breeze or the way the water appears like liquid silver when the last light of day touches it’s surface. It really is the little things for me now, that and having someone to share them with.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

I didn’t learn to enjoy simple things until I almost died. In a way, I wish I had almost died back in my 20’s to snap my ass out of a lame malaise I spent years wandering around in. I tried livening things up with drugs (nothing too hardcore but still) and wasted time when I could’ve been enjoying an afternoon breeze or the way the water appears like liquid silver when the last light of day touches it’s surface. It really is the little things for me now, that and having someone to share them with.

That's kind of the whole thing though.

 

[Population: 1]

That's kind of the whole thing though.

Not really. Not after my perspective was changed. I didn’t start dating my girlfriend until well after my heart attack. She makes experiences more enjoyable, but she doesn’t make the experience.

 

[Luminous]

That's kind of the whole thing though.

I don't know if it's ever enough.

I've found people I thought would be it, people I've loved fiercely. And they've mostly been incompatible with that ferocity. I was lucky enough to find one compatible so I've had heaven, been drunk and high on the nectar of the gods, stuffed myself with ambrosia, my hands and face sticky and sweet. I've fallen upward and been momentarily suspended in bliss. But reality's gravity has brought me back down. If I could do that without someone else, I would. But that someone is the requirement.

 

[1487610420]

 

[Peter Deadpan]

No. You may be hot, but you'll always be phobik.

 

[1487610420]

 

[Chad of the OttomanEmpire]

That's the question, isn't it? I spent the majority of my life like this, too--alone, friendless, locked in a house in the suburbs, bored, restless, frustrated. Everything seemed so underwhelming. I was always unfulfilled. Everyone else seemed to be getting what they needed while I rotted away under the pressure of my own needs for something more. My parents acted like there was something wrong with me; to this day, I maintain there was actually something wrong with them.

Well when I graduated from college, I decided to travel the world. I did, and I got into serious trouble. Not glorious, romantic trouble with me doing drugs, partying and going to prison or something you could tell your grandkids about one day. Serious traumatic health and psychological trouble. For many years.

It didn't exactly satisfy my needs, but it left me instead with mental health issues, exacerbated body issues, a complete lack of desire to be with other humans, extreme psychological fatigue and world-weariness, and resentment toward my youth. Not to mention the grey hair. I am burnt out. I'm not capable of obsessing over things anymore, getting inspired, following my dream, or feeling a deep sense of connection with anything. I now channel everything into some sort of inner seeking for divine connection, quietly, in my own little way, taking as little as possible so the universe has less to rob from me (as it inevitably will), knowing that soon it will all be over.

OK wow sorry. I guess that's not really what you're asking for. There's a reason I only have 3 reputation points despite over 1000 posts. Wish I could help. I guess it's something existential that doesn't just go away. You can live in frustration and regret it, or go do something stupid and regret it. I don't have the answer--in my case, I'm just trying to accept that this is "how it is" and there's not much I can do to change it.

 

[Luminous]

[MENTION=18576]The Tsarevich[/MENTION], I can relate an unfortunate amount to that. I'm naturally introverted and fairly withdrawn, so getting out to try to meet those needs isn't something easy, along with being so-blind. And then getting out, but having mental health issues as a result. I sincerely hope we all get to suck some marrow out of life before we're gone.

 

[Lark]

Guys, I recently got a decent book called Life Itself Is An Art by Rainer Funk about the life and work of Erich Fromm, it was really good, I think for anyone who has this sort of feeling about life.

He wrote about this, I'm not sure if it was in the book he wrote about religion and psychoanalysis or not but, anyway, he wrote about a car crash and all the people slowing down to gawk and rubbernecking at it, nearly causing other crashes, this is a personal bug bear of mine and I think people are jerks but Fromm thinks that's about people lacking something in their own lives and they then respond this way any time the opportunity exists to do so.

I'm not sure what he'd make of the people in the movie CRASH but I definitely think that is an escalation of the thing that Fromm is talking about. I think its a lack of intensity of a sort.

In the book I mention there the intro is about Direct Encounter, the chapters are about how the world fucks this up and the final chapter is about ways towards Direct Encounter, which I would suggest is life as intense as its meant to be or could be. Anyway, I recommend it.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

That's the question, isn't it? I spent the majority of my life like this, too--alone, friendless, locked in a house in the suburbs, bored, restless, frustrated. Everything seemed so underwhelming. I was always unfulfilled. Everyone else seemed to be getting what they needed while I rotted away under the pressure of my own needs for something more. My parents acted like there was something wrong with me; to this day, I maintain there was actually something wrong with them.

Well when I graduated from college, I decided to travel the world. I did, and I got into serious trouble. Not glorious, romantic trouble with me doing drugs, partying and going to prison or something you could tell your grandkids about one day. Serious traumatic health and psychological trouble. For many years.

It didn't exactly satisfy my needs, but it left me instead with mental health issues, exacerbated body issues, a complete lack of desire to be with other humans, extreme psychological fatigue and world-weariness, and resentment toward my youth. Not to mention the grey hair. I am burnt out. I'm not capable of obsessing over things anymore, getting inspired, following my dream, or feeling a deep sense of connection with anything. I now channel everything into some sort of inner seeking for divine connection, quietly, in my own little way, taking as little as possible so the universe has less to rob from me (as it inevitably will), knowing that soon it will all be over.

OK wow sorry. I guess that's not really what you're asking for. There's a reason I only have 3 reputation points despite over 1000 posts. Wish I could help. I guess it's something existential that doesn't just go away. You can live in frustration and regret it, or go do something stupid and regret it. I don't have the answer--in my case, I'm just trying to accept that this is "how it is" and there's not much I can do to change it.

Don't apologize, you actually get it. I fear I've also gotten to (or on the edge of) being unable to connect and experience what it is I even want to experience (see signature quote).

I'm trying very, very hard to get out here and there by myself and try new things, or to explore my own creativity, or be sensual in healthier ways (that probably sounds weird to most people, but I think that's why I drink... it's seductive and indulgent, so clearly I have a need for that in some form).

But the level of isolation I am living with is unbelievable, and I don't think anyone understands that because people see Peter's online persona and sometimes vivacious/bold energy and erroneously assume that I am socially active and confident. I'm not, and I don't really want to be. All I want is 1 close friend and a boyfriend. My only close friend... we see each other like twice a year, and it's been brief. I'm single and don't want a boyfriend right now (I'm frankly not sure when I'll even be ready to open up like that to someone again, just too much trauma to sift through). I also have no family, and I cannot move away and start over elsewhere because I share custody of my children with my psycho (legitimately) ex-husband.

It's very difficult to not succumb to the temptations of self-destruction in one form or another. (Yes, I know I need therapy, and that's a whole other issue because of the lack of quality options here). Finding healthy and fulfilling replacements isn't simple.

 

[highlander]

I'm not changing my type, per se, but I am confessing to struggling with a lack of intensity or "life juice".

I'm very single, very friendless, very naturally asocial and withdrawn, and feel little need do change any of this both for the sake of growth, and because humans are too demanding.

But, what do I do when I crave that intimate connection? I know it doesn't have to be a person, but I've struggled finding a thing that replaces it. I've dabbled in photography, hiking, foraging, art, and buying things that "make me happy", but I always end up on the couch at night wanting more.

Generally, I tend to succumb to exhibitionism in one form or another, which I eventually grew ashamed of. Now, I'm more comfortable with accepting that aspect of my personality, but I still don't want to go completely overboard with it.

So, what do you frustrated sexuals do when life leaves you feeling internally restless and unsatisfied?

I'm not sure how much intimacy drives "juice" - maybe it does for a period of time but that doesn't really last. I think the best way I can respond to this is that I express some of my intensity through doing things that give me that "juice" - specifically work or hobbies that allow me to do those things that give me energy. The StrengthsFinder test I posted a while back is probably the best way I know of to identify those things that give you energy. This is the link.

Gallup

If you search Google for "Clifton" and whatever your strength might be, for all 5, it will give you a description.

The videos below are descriptions of my strengths. The things that give me juice are achieving things, being focused on and accomplishing a goal, confronting things, generating ideas, solving problems, etc. I'm a creative person and I get energy by creating and building stuff. It's impossible to be doing these things all the time but if I can spend a percentage of time doing these things, they give me energy to get through the more mundane things in everyday life.

Highlander's Strengths