But introverts don't want anything from you. You giving is your choice. Meeting you partway, as you would like, does not make sense to an introvert because they feel no obligation to connect with you(well, except ISJs, it seems), so it seems strange that they should even bother.
This is kinda what I feel like. Sometimes I get the feeling that some extraverts are using me for their own amusement, because they're bored. Like, we'll be stuck in a room together, and the person (strangers, I'm talking about here) will interrupt what I'm doing so they won't have to find something else to occupy their thoughts. I'm actually a pretty friendly person, but if I'm already doing something, or if I'm already feeling socially anxious, and you're a stranger, then I won't feel any obligation to have a big chatfest with someone else. I'll be nice and polite, but I won't feel obligated bond with said person.
But this leads me onto something else: I know that it isn't always hard work for introverts to talk. In fact, I know an ISTP who will rant until the cows come home, an ISTJ who will talk forever about movies and the latest scientific theories from New Scientist, and an INFP who will sit on the sofa and, for as long as you keep passing her coffee and cake, she'll keep chattering away with you until the small hours, with no sign whatsoever of fatigue and every sign of feeling quite energized and happy.
You must admit that at least sometimes, it's not REALLY because talking is such a chore, but perhaps something else? Is it possible that the introvert might sometimse have been too quick to judge a person as not worth talking to? Or do they really want to talk but are just too shy or nervous?
Yes, both these things can be factors. Sometimes I'm in a more extraverted mood, too. Sometimes I get in such a loop of my own thinking that I don't even know HOW to put my thoughts out into the world. Sometimes I'd rather die than have to socialize, because it just feels like I don't fit in anywhere. My personality is greatly affected by the other person's personality, too. There are some people that I feel like I could talk to forever, right off the bat, and others I feel guarded around. But just because I don't trust you immediately doesn't mean I won't later on.
They may think that you don't like them- especially given their own preference to extraversion.. they are probably thinking, "Why does this person not want to go out with us and just be by herself all night? She must hate spending time with us so much that she would rather be bored at home.."
However, if you let them know of why you don't want to go out, they may understand better.
This is why I do better with friends than strangers and acquaintances/colleagues. If someone's taken the time to be your friend and learn what you're like, you can explain to them that you're just introverted and, even though you really like them, you need some time to yourself. Where I run into trouble is that i'm good at making small talk when I need to, just to get by, but it's not my natural bent. Then it creates an expectation for people who are just acquaintances later on, and they generally WILL take it personally when I don't want to go out with them after work or something. I have never figured out a way to assure people that I like them and still be able to be allowed to be myself. You can't please everyone.
For example, the introvert who does actually, for once, want to join the party, but sees the extraverts over there laughing and talking away and just doesn't want to go up and join because they think they'd look stupid or not know what to say. Or the extravert who gets a couple of hours alone in the office with the shiningly intelligent introvert whose contributions to board meetings have caused the E to really admire them and want to talk with them in more depth about their subject, but the E doesn't want to approach the I because he feels the I sees him as shallow and stupid and not worth talking to, and would just rebuff him.
And how sometimes these perceptions are totally wrong...
I think most introverts would be really flattered if you approached them about something specific about them that you noticed. Then we would have a connecting point, and we'd know that we'd caught your eye in some specific way.
Talking isn't a chore most of the time. It's about comfort levels for me. I'm very nervous about interacting with someone I don't know well, because I have no idea how my ideas will be received by the other person. I've been written off time and time again with the phrase, "You're so weird." So, I stopped talking to most people. Every once in a while I do find people who seem to be open to me being myself, and when I find those people I eventually open up and talk more (often until my throat hurts or I literally start falling asleep out of exhaustion).
I understand that this is my problem, not the extravert's. I'm trying very hard to overcome it and be more confident and be able to be more personable, but it's been a long and slow process.
Yeah, this applies to me, too.
I really don't think it's that interesting. I'm bored just talking about it. If it seems the person really wants to hear I'll be more willing to share, but if I get a sense of they're just doing small talk and don't care I'd rather not. I will make an effort, but I usually don't have anything to talk about. What I do no one usually wants to talk about like how a cloud looks or some theoretical endeavor that's never going to happen as it is not possible/ unlikely. Such as kidnapping an elephant and traveling around the world on it.
I will bring it up sometimes but based on their reaction, I know when to back off and not talk about things like that. I'm less likely to bring something like that up first conversation.
Yeah, I'd love that kind of conversation. I hate conversations like, "So! What do you like to do for fun?" I have no idea how to answer that. And I feel pressure to be interesting. And I feel like I probably won't be interesting. So I'd rather just stay in my head, where it's interesting all the time.
Who knows, maybe we should all open with the elephant line and see where it takes us?
Yeah, exactly. And that is what frustrates the hell out of me regarding Is. Jeez Louise folks - open your mouths. It ain't hard. And if you don't say anything, I cannot read what is going on in your brain. So I either think a) You feel uncomfy, and I want to help you to try to relax. b) You just don't give a shit or c) You are just retarded. In the case of b or c, I am likely to just move on and think, "What a dipshit! This person has a tree so far up their ass that there is no hope for them. And if they ARE so bright, why don't THEY introduce a topic?!"
Because we imagine that you're thinking these things about us. We're not saying anything, so we must be boring. I don't have the energy to make myself interesting to you (you in the general sense, not you specifically, LL), and where is it written we all have to like each other? Some people just don't click, and that's okay. Maybe later we'll find a way to bridge the gap and find a common interest, but why spend an hour beating ourselves over the head trying to find one now? I'm a little sensitive to people reading my silence as "having a tree up my ass," so my response has usually been to just avoid interaction with folks that would tend to assume that about me. It saves me a lot of heartache and self-esteem issues, with me trying to make myself over into someone else's image.
I'm bothered by how fast Extraverts move, and how mercurial their attention seems to be. When I actually like an Extravert, I feel like it's a monumental chore just to get them to care about me.
Yeah, me, too. I'm learning lately that it's not as I always assumed. My ENFJ and ENFP friends might have a lot of friends, but they're not all on the same "level," and they put a lot into their relationship with me, which I'm very grateful for.
They also frighten me a little because I know they are more prone to acting without reflecting, and violating my space/privacy. I'm usually more worried about what Extraverts are going to do than with Introverts.
Yeah, I'm sometimes fearful of extraverts, because I'm so guarded and private, and I don't like sharing just anything with anyone. I have to trust someone first. My good ENFJ friend scared me at first because she barraged me with questions, and I had no idea a) why she was doing that, and b) why she wanted the information. I didn't know if I could trust her, and that made me really, really nervous. I finally asked her about it, and she hadn't even realized she was asking that many questions. She just has a curious mind, and she was interested in knowing more about me, since I was different.
I think it takes a while for me to really read people, and the more people you put into the equation, the more anxiety it causes for me. So in the meantime, I just have to trust my intuition. Perhaps it might be a good idea for introverts to take a chance and open up a little more and for extraverts to take things a little less personally?
