Parental Schemas: Early Developmental Childhood

[LightSun]

How does upbringing and parenting help to develop character? What does the upbringing have in role regards with self-esteem? Can damage have a chancee to be overcome?

"Scema: A scema is an extremely stable and enduring pattern that develops during childhood and is elaborated throughout an individual's life. We view the world through our schemas (Belief systems / faulty).

Schemas are important beliefs and feelings about oneself and the environment which the individual accepts without question (Lack some critical thought / & challenging belief). They are self-perpetuating and are very resistant to change (We in effect are brainwashed as children by parent & society with no truth basis).

For instance, children who develop schema that are incompetent rarely challenge this belief (There is in effect a wall of fire / i.e. pain as a barrier-to challenge the belief), even as adults. The schema usually does not go away without therapy.

Overwhelming success in people's lives is often still not enough to challenge the schema (Rationalization, denial & defense mechanisms. We alter reality to conform to our distorted viewpoint and discount evidence otherwise). The schema fights for its own survival, and usually, quite successfully.

Even though schemas persist once they are formed, they are not always in our awareness. usually they operate in subtle ways, out of our awareness (Blind spots). However, when a schema erupts or is triggered by events, our thoughts and feelings are dominated by these schemas (Ghosts from our past).

It is at these moments that people tend to experience negative emotions and have dysfunctional thoughts."

 

[LightSun]

"Defectiveness / Shame: This schma refers to the belief that one is internally flawed, and that, if others get close, they will realize this and withdraw from the relationship.

This feeling of being flawed and inadequate often leads to a strong sense of shame. Generally parents were very critical of their children and made them feel as if they were not worthy of being loved."

 

[LightSun]

"Abandonment / Instability:

"This schema refers to the expectation that one will soon loose anyone with whom an emotional attachment is formed. The person believes that, one way or another, close relationships will end imminently. As children, these clients may have experienced the divorce or death of parents.

This schema can also arise when parents have been inconsistant in attending to the child's needs; for instance, there may have been frequent occassions on which the child was left alone or unattended to for extented periods."

 

[LightSun]

"Failure to achieve: This schema refers to the belief that one is incapable of performing as well as one's peers in areas such as career, school or sports. These clients may feel stupid, inept, untalented, or ignorant.

People with this chema often do not try to achieve because they believe that they will fail. This schema may develop if children are put down and treated as if they are a failure in school and other spheres of accomplishment. Usually the parents did not give enough support, discipline, and encouragement for the child to persist and succeed in areas of achievement, such as schoolwork or sports."

 

[LightSun]

"Functional dependencee / Incompetance: This schema refers to the belief that one is not capable of handling day-to-day- responsibilities competantly and independently. People with this schema often rely on others excessively for help in ares such as decision-making and initiating new tasks. Generally, parents did not encourage these children to act independently and develop confidencee in their ability to take care of themselves."

 

[LightSun]

"Vulnurability to harm and illness: This schema refers to the belief that one is always on the verge of experiencing a major catastrophe (Financial, natural, medical, criminal). It may lead to taking excessive precautions to protect oneself. Usually there was an extremely fearful parent who passed on the idea that he world is a dangerous place."

 

[LightSun]

"Entitlement / Self-Centeredness: This schema refers to the belief that you should be able to do, say, or have whatever you want immedietely regardless of whether that hurts others or seems reasonable to them. You are not interested in what other people need, nor are you aware of the long-term costs to you of alienating others. Parents who over-indulge their children and who do not set limits about what is socially appropriate may foster the development of this schema.

Alternatively, some children develop this schema to compensate for feelings of emotional deprivation, defectiveness, or social undesirability."

 

[LightSun]

"Unrelenting / unbalanced standards: This schema refers to two related beliefs. Either the person believes that whatever they do is not not good enough, that they must always strive harder; and or there is excessive emphasis on values such as status,

wealth and power at the expense of other values such as social interaction, health or happiness. Usually these clients' parents were never satisfied and gave their children love that was conditional on outstanding achievement."

 

[Agent Washington]

How to overcome these schemas? or deal with others with these schemas.

 

[LightSun]

"Insufficient Self-Control / Self-Discipline: This schema refers to the inability totolerate any frustration in reaching one's goals, as well as an inability to restrain expression of one's impulses or feelings.

With lack of self-control is extreme, criminal or addictive behavior rule your life. Parents who did not model self-control, or who did not adequetly discipline their children, may predispose them to have this schema as adults."

 

[LightSun]

How to overcome these schemas? or deal with others with these schemas.

These beliefs and schemas haunt a persons life. Inevitably one will be triggered by these problem areas. It is through reflection and insight using CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) and REBT (rational emotive behavior therapy) that one learns about distortions of thought. The premise behind these psychology fields is that under negative emotion there are cognitive distortions.

One identifies them and acts in a more reasoned way. The trigger is a learning opportunity. It can yield growth. If we react in the same way in these problem areas using rationalization, denial and defense mechanisms then we will continue to get triggered by these issues.

 

[LightSun]

"Self-sacrifice: This schema refers to the excessive sacrifice of one's own needs in order to help others. When these clients pay attention to their own needs, they often feel guilty. To avoid this guilt, they put others' needs ahead of their own.

Often clients who self-sacrifice gain a feeling of increased self-esteem or a sense of meaning from helping others. In childhood the person may have been made tofeel overly responsible for the well-being of one or both parents."

 

[LightSun]

"Emotional inhibition: This schema refers to the belief that you must inhibit emotions and impulses, especially anger, because any expression of feelings would harm others or lead to loss of self-esteem, embarrassment, retaliation or abandonment. You may lack spontaneity, or be viewed as uptight. This schema is often brought on by parents who discourage the expression of feelings."

 

[LightSun]

"Subjugation: This schema refers to the belief that one must submit to the control of others in order to avoid negative consequences. Often these clients fear that, unless they submit, others will get angry or reject them. Clients who subjugate ignore their own desires and feelings. In childhood there was generally a very controlling parent."

 

[LightSun]

"Mistrust / Abuse: This scema refers to the expectation that others will intentionally take advantage in some way. People with this scema expect others to hurt, cheat, or put them down. They often think in terms of attacking first or getting revenge afterwards. In childhood, these clients were often abused or treated unfairly by parents, siblings, or peers."

 

[LightSun]

"Social Undesirability: This schema refers to the belief that one is outwardly unattractive to others. People with this scema see themselves as physically unattractive, socially inept, or lacking in status. Usually there is a direct link to childhood experiences in which children are made to feel, by family or peers, that they are not attractive."

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"Undeveloped Self: this schema refers to the sense that one has too little individual identity or inner direction. There is often a feeling of emptiness or of floundering. This scema is often brought on by parents who are so controlling, abusive, or overprotective that the child is discouraged from developing a seperate sense of self."

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"Social isolation Alienation: This schema refers to the belef that one is isolated from the world, different from other people, and / or not part of any community. This belief is usually caused by early experiences in which children see that either they, or their famalies, are differt from other people."

 

[LightSun]

"Emotional deprivation: This schema refers to the belief that one's primary emotional needs will never be met by others. These needs include nurturance, empathy, affection, protection, guidance and caring from others. Often parents were emotionally depriving to the child."

 

[LightSun]

"Scemas: in order to not feel this pain, there are three types of schema avoidance: cognitive, emotional, and behaviorial. I. Cognitive avoidance refers to efforts that people make not to think about upsetting events. these efforts may be voluntary or automatic. People may vluntarily choose not to focus on an aspect of their personality or an event which they find disturbing.

There are also unconscious processes which help people shut out information which would be too upsetting to confront. People often forget particularily painful events. for instance, children who have been abused sexually often forget the memory completely.

II. Emotional or affective avoidance refers to automatic or voluntary attempts to block painful emotion. Often when people have painful emotional experiences, they numb themselves to the feelings in order to minimize the pain.

For instance, a man might talk about how his wife has been acting in an abusive manner toward him and say that he feels no anger towards her, only a little annoyance. Some people drink or abuse drugs to numb feelings generated by scemas.

III. The third type of avoidance is behavioral avoidance. People often act in such a way as to avoid situations that trigger schemas, and thus avoid psychological pain. For instance, a woman with a 'Failure to Achieve Schema' might avoid taking a difficult new job which would be very good for her.

By avoiding the challenging situation, she avoids any pain, such as intense anxiety, which could be generated by the schema. The third schema process is schema compensation. The individual behaves in a manner which appears to be the opposite of what the schema suggests in order to avoid triggering the schema.

People with a 'Functional Dependence' schema may structure aspects of their life so they don't have to depend on anyone, even when a more balanced approach may be better. For instance, a young man may refuse to go out with women because he is afraid of becoming dependent and will present himself as someone who doesn't need other people. He goes to the the other extreme to avoid feeling dependent."

 

[Blacksheep2017]

A newborn/infant/toddler/small child's ability to learn and absorb new information is greater through these stages than in any other point in its life. The environment is which we're raised will imprint our brains to accept certain things as "normal". This creates dysfunctional development that makes it hard for these individuals to relate to others and display socially normal behaviors. I am absolutely someone who struggles with many schemas. It has taken the better part of the last 10 years to uncover the issues in my life and change them. I wish more people understood the enormity of becoming a parent. Because those first crucial years will inevitably produce an adult one day that either lives contently or one in constant turmoil and at odds with life.

The ones I definitely relate to are:
Defectiveness / Shame
Failure to achieve
Vulnurability to harm and illness
Unrelenting / unbalanced standards
Insufficient Self-Control / Self-Discipline
Self-sacrifice
Emotional inhibition
Mistrust / Abuse
Social Undesirability
Emotional deprivation

I have touched on this before in other posts, but I struggle with a narcissistic mother. Growing up she was very distant and unpredictable. Never hugged me. Never told me she loved me. But, on occasion she would and it created a lot of confusion for me about how she felt. Her and my father both were physically abusive towards me and my 4 younger brothers. My dad more so. He would force me to kiss him on the cheek before he left the home. Forced me to rub his feet when he came home from work. Forced me to wait on him like a servant by making him food and delivering it. If you stepped out of line, he was violent. I grew up scared to death of my father for many years. It wasn't until about 5 years ago, that I found the courage to stand up to him and confront him about what he did. He apologized, much to my surprise. I have found ways to push those memories out of my everyday conscience because after him and my mother divorced, he wasn't around as much. I have made peace with this part of my past for the most part.

But my mother is still an issue, even to this day. I am not allowed to have my own feelings. I am not allowed to disagree with her. She is a bully. Dangling the contentment of our relationship as collateral in order to control me. I have gone back and forth on finding strength and standing my ground and becoming submissive again because I have not found a way to let go of the idea of having a mother that will love me. Though I know logically she is incapable of giving me what I need. I have become very protective of my daughter around her because she is idolizing my daughter at the moment. Basically giving her the love and attention that she never gave me.

Just today, she sent the following text message:

"I could eat (daughters name) up. I love her so much."
"Oh I love you so much I could eat you up and lick your face lol"
"Hey you're awesome"

She is unstable. She manipulates me in order to have access to my daughter. She thinks that if she tells me she loves me, that it will fulfill me enough to allow her unrestricted access to my daughter. I obviously don't fall for this.

I have been to MULTIPLE therapists. Currently take medication for anxiety and depression. Have issues in every friendship I've ever had. Have unlimited marital issues but thank God my ISTJ hubby is so loyal to me. I blame a lot of this heartache on my parents, but I blame a lot of my recovery on me. I am still trying to overcome and heal. Part of the way I do that is making sure I am the parent that my daughter so truly deserves. She makes me intensely happy and that reminds me that I am NOT like my mother. My daughter's life will not serve to fix mine. Nor will she be responsible for my happiness. But I am learning to heal myself through the decisions I make with her and see how my path is much different than the one my parents chose.

Geez. If anyone read this ramble, thanks for listening.

 

[LightSun]

"Wouldn't it be great that as children we were allowed to develop our gifts? Wouldn't it be great if we were tested as children to discover our natural gifts? Wouldn't it be great for parents to allow children to come into their own and not try to change or control the child's natural river bed of growth and development? A parent to me should be a steward and protector but not a controller.

This stifles independent thought as well as a free and independent spirit. This stifles self-actualization. More so it is stifling of the human spirit. Are our present day "triggered" emotions created now or are they a re-cycling and rehashing of emotions which were experienced in childhood and not properly processed and therefore healed?"