[so] Being so/sx

[EJCC]

There aren't many so/sx folks around here, it seems like. Interested in hearing your experiences of being so/sx. What's it like? How do you experience it? Pros and cons of being that type?

 

[EJCC]

For me:

I spread myself thin, socially. I'm friendly with a whole lot of people, and bad at maintaining contact with many of them, but that doesn't keep me from trying. It's a constant struggle to not completely fall off the map with everyone who isn't in my immediate vicinity.

I'm good at being in small to medium-sized groups. Groups where I can guarantee that I like everybody. I have a hard time being in groups of people where I don't like everybody. When I was younger, I tended to not be a member of any group because I liked to curate my group, only hanging out with the people I liked. The problem was that that wasn't all that sustainable in the long run, because those people had their own groups that they were loyal to -- whereas the only commonality of my group was me.

Needless to say, all the social-first things are true: I view things in terms of groups, hierarchies, power dynamics. I'm pretty stereotypically social-first in that I follow politics pretty closely, I almost feel like I have a moral obligation to know what's going on in the world, and to help out in any way I can (social-first 1 reporting for duty). And sexual-second... it's tough because as a Te-dom I'm not that touchy-feely, but I resonate a lot with sp-last descriptions (I burn myself out on the regular), and I put a lot of energy into my top two love languages (Acts of Service and Quality Time).

 

[Lia_kat]

For me:

I spread myself thin, socially. I'm friendly with a whole lot of people, and bad at maintaining contact with many of them, but that doesn't keep me from trying. It's a constant struggle to not completely fall off the map with everyone who isn't in my immediate vicinity.

I'm good at being in small to medium-sized groups. Groups where I can guarantee that I like everybody. I have a hard time being in groups of people where I don't like everybody.

I relate to all of this. I'm so bad at maintaning contact, especially as an introvert that reveres her solitude. Some extroverted friends of mine have to "nudge" me, otherwise I also fall off the map.. Lol. I guess it's a bit hard for me to maintain a good balance between the sociable, amiable side while also being reserved, quiet and hardly ever going out.

I'm silly, fun, charming, expressive, humorous. I can also be vocal and blunt if the mood strikes or if I find it appropriate. It's very easy for me to decipher group dynamics and I'm always hyperaware of whether I fit it or not (usually not). At times I tend to get sensitive about not having a group or being left out but it's short-lived and my 4 authenticity / individuality says fxck that and keeps me away from such superficialities.

 

[á´…eparted]

For me:

I spread myself thin, socially. I'm friendly with a whole lot of people, and bad at maintaining contact with many of them, but that doesn't keep me from trying. It's a constant struggle to not completely fall off the map with everyone who isn't in my immediate vicinity.

I'm good at being in small to medium-sized groups. Groups where I can guarantee that I like everybody. I have a hard time being in groups of people where I don't like everybody. When I was younger, I tended to not be a member of any group because I liked to curate my group, only hanging out with the people I liked. The problem was that that wasn't all that sustainable in the long run, because those people had their own groups that they were loyal to -- whereas the only commonality of my group was me.

Needless to say, all the social-first things are true: I view things in terms of groups, hierarchies, power dynamics. I'm pretty stereotypically social-first in that I follow politics pretty closely, I almost feel like I have a moral obligation to know what's going on in the world, and to help out in any way I can (social-first 1 reporting for duty). And sexual-second... it's tough because as a Te-dom I'm not that touchy-feely, but I resonate a lot with sp-last descriptions (I burn myself out on the regular), and I put a lot of energy into my top two love languages (Acts of Service and Quality Time).

FWIW I wonder if this is actually so/sx because the bold I compleeeeeetly relate to. Though it might be possible for these things to manifest through different processes mechanisms.

 

[EJCC]

FWIW I wonder if this is actually so/sx because the bold I compleeeeeetly relate to. Though it might be possible for these things to manifest through different processes mechanisms.

I have no idea tbh. My grasp of what's stacking-related, vs. Enneagram/tritype/MBTI-related, is not very firm. Part of why I made this thread in the first place!

 

[PeaceBaby]

Being so first is counter-type to enneagram 9 (and INFP more loosely) and I feel a lot of push and pull between these energies. In some ways, is the best of both worlds - the so first turns me outward, practically compels me to navigate the social dynamics in any given situation. Fi provides discernment and e9 is the role of peacemaker and I can do so in a pretty friendly and non-threatening way I think. I feel I intuitively sense who's "in" or "out" although discerning the why often takes more time and a bit of sleuthing. Since we've moved numerous times as adults, I am often in the position of being at "square 1" socially, and that's both interesting and challenging. Interesting because getting to know the dynamics of any given place is always engaging and piques my curiosity; challenging because I am both drawn to and simultaneouly repelled by group dynamics. And I can sense where I am on the ladder and am not always content there.

So, in some ways is the worst of both worlds. I actively dislike a lot of what I see as "game-playing" in groups but I am socially attuned to it to such a degree as to being unable to ignore it and am not immune to getting involved in the game. If someone is picked on I feel both a compassion to that person but appreciate why they drive the group crazy, and I can see the group "suicide" of befriending them in particular ways. Sitting on the fence, trying to be accepting without being rejected is not always feasible, and in such cases I tend to withdraw and accept isolation rather than compromise my ideals that everyone has a place. I can tend to burn myself out hard trying to facilitate everyone working together peacefully and in harmony. I can see where the buttons are and sometimes fail to recognize when it's ok to let one be struck.

 

[fetus]

Ahh, so/sx. I actually see how the two instincts developed in that order.

For me, it all started as a hyper-awareness of social structures, hierarchies, and cliques, and the awareness that I didn't fit in. I remember being very socially aware. I created stages of child development (I know I was like 11 but whatever). I used to sit alone at recess writing down the names of my classmates and drawing color-coded lines and arrows between all of them to indicate their connections. That's where the pain of "outcast" came from (and thus making think I was a 4 for a long time). I had this high awareness of everybody else's relationships, which just made me feel left out and unsatisfied.

The sexual instinct developed a little later. I think that's around the time I started discovering my 7 wing and my counterphobic side. It's harder for me to really put a finger on this one because it feels more primal. It works in tandem with the social instinct and feels more unconscious. I started becoming overly attached to people to the point where I could even feel it physically. This is where I became more volatile and intense (it's harder to see online, which is why I think I get so/sp every now and then). It's an undercurrent.

But yeah. I would say that belonging, tolerance, making a difference, and acceptance are huge parts of my life, and think that's due to the social instinct, at least in part. It kind of helps me interact with the world. As a side note, I totally see how my social instinct makes me seem 2-ish and less 6 (because 6 descriptions seem to focus on self-preservational instinct, when in my case it's all about emotional and mental security). The sexual instinct gives me a focus to my social instinct, so I'm especially attached to "my little niche."

I did not mean to make this all about me. It's just a stream of consciousness.

 

[Frosty]

Im either this or so/sp.

And when I determine which I will write more.

So never.

I am a 9 though. And social 9s... Well.

Life is dangerous for me- can easily get swept up.

 

[Dreamer]

I am so glad you made this thread [MENTION=4945]EJCC[/MENTION]! I feel I am most likely so/sx but I also have little knowledge of the instinctual variants let alone Enneagram. I feel I am definitely So first though. But what you described in your original post reminds me much of myself. I tend to prefer to be around a small group of people, a good crowd, but people that I enjoy. I don't like to be around crowds of people just for the hell of it. But when you mentioned making friends easy but maintaining them harder, that truly rang a bell for me. I always just attributed that to being an Ne dom, and getting what I need out of people, then losing interest and moving on. It could be some of that, but I wouldn't be surprised if my instinctual lineup has some influence to the matter as well.

 

[RedAmazoneFriendZone]

Preservation instinct : To protect oneself from agressions, fight to live or survive, is preoccupied with health problems, desire security, anxious about misery, poverty, food, death.
Food, security, money. "I am my body/I am afraid not to survive/Am I in security ?/there must be a way to feel immortal".
VERY CAREFUL OR INTO SELF DESTRUCTION (extremes).

Social instinct : Society, status, fears loneliness. Relationship with groups of people.
Tends to like alcohol, use amphetamines, cocaïne if on the bad side/excess
"I am the groups I belong to, I fear of not belonging, Am I famous/recognised ? I'd get what I miss inside by looking outside"
VERY SOCIABLE OR ANTISOCIAL (extremes).

Sexual instinct : Looks for The best mate or several partners. Desires intimacy and power. Libido is sometimes expressed into sublimation,
sometimes it turns into a spiritual link with God.
If the person turns bad and goes to the excess : Lsd, mescaline, poppers, ecstasy. _I'm sx I've only tried ginger_
"I am my relationship to the other. Fears of not being desirable. Am I attractive ? I'd love to become myself and transcend into a link with the other."
PROMISCUITY OR ABSTINENCE (extremes).


I'm Sx/sp. So I'll not bring any comment.

Just something that can push you further in some reflection :
There are two enneagram schools about subtypes which have different theories.

The first one (external definition): the dom subtype means the more visible instinct.
The second one (internal definition) : the dom subtype means that this one must be treated first, even if it isn't the most visible.

For example : You have a good preservation subtype, social instinct has been hurt in a way, and sexual instinct has been strongly hurt.
In this case you have : a sexual subtype according to the external definition. A social instinct according to the internal definition.

 

[Virtual ghost]

For me:

I spread myself thin, socially. I'm friendly with a whole lot of people, and bad at maintaining contact with many of them, but that doesn't keep me from trying. It's a constant struggle to not completely fall off the map with everyone who isn't in my immediate vicinity.

I'm good at being in small to medium-sized groups. Groups where I can guarantee that I like everybody. I have a hard time being in groups of people where I don't like everybody. When I was younger, I tended to not be a member of any group because I liked to curate my group, only hanging out with the people I liked. The problem was that that wasn't all that sustainable in the long run, because those people had their own groups that they were loyal to -- whereas the only commonality of my group was me.

Needless to say, all the social-first things are true: I view things in terms of groups, hierarchies, power dynamics. I'm pretty stereotypically social-first in that I follow politics pretty closely, I almost feel like I have a moral obligation to know what's going on in the world, and to help out in any way I can (social-first 1 reporting for duty). And sexual-second... it's tough because as a Te-dom I'm not that touchy-feely, but I resonate a lot with sp-last descriptions (I burn myself out on the regular), and I put a lot of energy into my top two love languages (Acts of Service and Quality Time).

With all due repsect: I always saw you as a fairly private person (that is how pretty much all of your posts sound to me). You are social but pretty much everything is at arm lenght, you simply don't strike me as a Sp last person at all. Despite your e1 core you are simply too calm and constructive for Sp last.

(just saying)

 

[Torias]

I am a 9 though. And social 9s... Well.

Hm - Could you elaborate please?

 

[ZNP-TBA]

I think I'm actually an so/sx maybe so/sp instead of an Sx dom. Thanks to [MENTION=14015]Urarienev[/MENTION], she pointed out Sx dom's have a specific 'look' of intensity and I don't believe I share this 'look.' So that being said I'd like to welcomed to the family

 

[EJCC]

Now that this thread has been revived, I'm curious about the things that make so/sx unique -- a lot of the things I relate to are shared with so/sp and/or sx/so. Any other input on that?

Asking in part b/c of various people (including virtual ghost, above) questioning my instinctual stacking in the past. I don't think I have a good enough grasp on the different stacks to know either way.

I think I'm actually an so/sx maybe so/sp instead of an Sx dom. Thanks to [MENTION=14015]Urarienev[/MENTION], she pointed out Sx dom's have a specific 'look' of intensity and I don't believe I share this 'look.' So that being said I'd like to welcomed to the family

 

[Evo]

I think I'm actually an so/sx maybe so/sp instead of an Sx dom. Thanks to [MENTION=14015]Urarienev[/MENTION], she pointed out Sx dom's have a specific 'look' of intensity and I don't believe I share this 'look.' So that being said I'd like to welcomed to the family

You're sx/so!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[EJCC]

This is a bit off-topic but wtf is up with the "look" thing? Sounds like what the snobs call "folk typology".

But seriously, we scorn vibe typing in every other way, so why is it acceptable here?

 

[small.wonder]

Can I clear the air a bit on this Instinctual stuff? [MENTION=4945]EJCC[/MENTION] asked some very good/wise questions, which need to be answered. Instincts is kind of a pet topic of mine, not because I'm an expert, but because I have an unending curiosity around the topic. Instincts is actually a lot more simple than all of these descriptive notions I see spewed all over the Internet. Instinctual stack signifies emotional needs. If one studies Claudio Naranjo, this is pretty clear. In the following the word "need" could be interchanged with "desire" (as these are not always healthy "needs", more like things we believe we "need").

SO - vocal, needs to contribute (usually verbally) to a group dynamic. This manifests in a slightly different way for each core, but the theme maintains.

• So/Sx - Verbal contribution + depth of connection, need for intimacy and intensity. Lack of need for security, caution or boundaries.
• So/Sp - Verbal contribution + protection/safety and concern with resources. Lack of desire for depth, intense intimacy.

SP - closed off, needs to ensure (emotional) safety before proceeding. This manifests in a slightly different way for each core, but the theme maintains.

• Sp/Sx - Need for protection/safety + depth of connection, need for intimacy and intensity. Lack of need to verbally contribute to a group dynamic.
• Sp/So - Need for protection/safety + verbal contribution to a group dynamic. Lack of desire for depth, intense intimacy.

SX - Intense need for intimacy and depth. This manifests in a slightly different way for each core, but the theme maintains.

• Sx/Sp - Need for intense intimacy and depth of connection + need for protection/safety. Lack of need to verbally contribute to a group dynamic.
• Sx/So - Need for intense intimacy and depth of connection + verbal contribution to a group dynamic. Lack of need for security, caution or boundaries.

This stuff is pretty darn straight forward, and very apparent in people if you watch for it. It should be noted that a "first" instinct usually needs to be met before the individual would progress to the auxillory need. The stack is a prioritization of needs.

I made some info graphics on my blog about core specific instincts (according to Naranjo and Ichazo) which can be very helpful, if anyone is interested.

 

[Dreamer]

I think I'm actually an so/sx maybe so/sp instead of an Sx dom. Thanks to [MENTION=14015]Urarienev[/MENTION], she pointed out Sx dom's have a specific 'look' of intensity and I don't believe I share this 'look.' So that being said I'd like to welcomed to the family

Don't tell me we have yet ANOTHER thing in common

Welcome to the fam, let me show you around.

 

[SpankyMcFly]

There aren't many so/sx folks around here, it seems like. Interested in hearing your experiences of being so/sx. What's it like? How do you experience it? Pros and cons of being that type?

I think it's ironic that us social doms dont, uhh... social more . The "You know you're an So dom when..." thread I made a couple years ago still isn't a sticky and is pretty dead activity wise. Even though the Sx dom one is a sticky, just saying

@OP The So/Sx stack seems like the most 'normal' of stacks. Inclinations towards socializing (even us Introverted Sos) and tendency to go deep and intense (Sx) after comfort has been established. This is an observation of how common the stack 'appears' in my personal experience.

I'll add a Con to the conversation. Others can view So as superficial because of our chit chat or social browsing.

As an introvert this can be more pronounced because when we hit the So switch and if you've been around me enough to see me go into an introversion cacoon the comparison can be glaring. So says my last wife who was suspicious when I'd become quite social. She was a natural full timer though.

 

[Elfboy]

I generally only like this subtype if they're gut types (with particular disdain for 4s, 6s and 7s of this subtype). It used to only be 1s and 8s......but then I met an amazing guy a few years ago who was 9w1 So/Sx-y. so....yeah XD