- have you experienced this, either to yourself or someone else? what are your thoughts on it?
I've dealt with it extensively, in social-settings. It almost seems like the 'go-to' for many people, that struggle to acknowledge anger (which they/we have been taught is socially unacceptable) and/or to find healthier ways of getting needs met. I assume you are referring to Passive-Aggressive behavior. If not, could you clarify the difference? I fell back on PA behavior quite a bit when I was younger (probably still do at times, but am much more aware of what I'm doing now, and why, the futility) but, not so much in terms of verbally attacking others in a way that couldn't be obviously traced back. I was more PA in work-settings, in terms of not doing something that was asked of me, 'forgetting' or running-late, because I was angry at some approach upper-management was taking. I've definitely been on the receiving end of 'sly digs' many times, one of them just this weekend, from a co-worker. It used to really ruffle me up too, e6 disintegration and all, this need for acceptance.. looking outside myself for it, a battle of perceptual validation. And probably one of the only reasons I didn't resort to sly digs (because god knows there were many other dysfunctional ways I attempted to get my needs met) was because it just wasn't a strategy utilized by my family while I grew up. We had others, to be sure.
- why do you think people do this? is my characterisation of it as "psychological abuse from the safety of the shadows" fairly accurate?
Well, it's like I mentioned. I think a lot of it goes back to unacknowledged anger, insecurity, not knowing how one really feels or how to more healthily assert the self and get needs met. It might also feel very empowering, to be able to pull another's strings and watch that emotional-reactivity (from a safe distance), especially when one senses their own emotions are too scary or uncomfortable, they must be locked down. I mean, doesn't that kind of make sense? If you couldn't easily express or acknowledge how you feel, wouldn't there be a part of you that (maybe even subconsciously) teased that out in others? Out of a morbid curiosity or, even a desire to reinforce/validate your own need to keep them locked, or believe these PA behaviors are a necessary coping mechanism? I dunno, it's late... but I think there is something to it.
Hmmm, abuse.
There are so many different ways I could approach this, I'm having a hard time deciding on which would be the most relevant or helpful. I'll say this - I believe that we hold most, if not all the power in how much another can psychologically harm us. To the degree that we allow our sense-of-self to be defined by others or the external. I'm not saying that the most 'functional' approach is to totally pull-in (and I really do see it as functional, rather than good/bad or right/wrong or true/untrue) A good balance has to be met, because like it or not, we are here in the world, living this reality. But I think it's important to develop the discernment of who's story you are buying. And it IS a story. Does it serve me? That's where I'd point my consciousness.. not on 'is it abusive'. Also, you can totally reject the story that someone is trying to tell about you, and yet still be deeply wounded that they want to tell it at all.
- how do you deal with this sort of behaviour? whether it be learning to identify it when it occurs, letting it not effect you etc?
I've learned to identify it.. but I don't 'seek it out' if that makes any sense. So again, it's kind of a matter of where you are focused. If your focusing on 'don't let that upset me!' then the odds are, it's already upset you. Now you might even become distressed because you've allowed something to upset you, believing that this is some indication of a deficiency, which pinches-off the level of self-acceptance often required for us to be receptive to the beauty we do hold. Or you might be ruminating on the 'why's', the motivation.. 'is it true?' Blah blah blah. So now we not only endure the pangs of the real event, but it's stealing our 'now-time' when we could be thinking about anything... literally anything, more happy/peaceful/loving/exciting/comforting. Not that there is no insight to be gained, but I would argue that many of the so-called 'insights' one gains, about the motivations of another, or the 'truth' of whatever.. while in an already depleted/disconnected state, might not be all that accurate or helpful...
I honestly try to move a long as quickly as I can when I encounter it. I know the vibrational state someone is in when they resort to tactics like 'sly digs' and I usually don't want to waste my time analyzing their life-story or every psychological flip they've taken to arrive there. I have compassion, because I know they are struggling and many are doing the best with what they know how to do, as they kind of fumble and flail about in an effort to 'feel good' even temporarily, by dragging others down - the inability to see the greatness and potential in any one of us the very measurement of ones lack-of-awareness, but I'm not brining them into my experience any further than I have to. They'll get it, on a long enough time-line. And in the meantime, there are some really amazing things in this life to occupy us.