It's funny seeing all the differences and also the criticisms of various styles of apology... especially because I greatly respect some of the people in this thread who are critiquing other apology styles in explaining why those styles do not work for them. I appreciate hearing it, so I can better understand the perspective(s) out there.
I guess the thing for me is that I place a lot of value in understanding the underlying truth of the situation, and being honest enough oneself to understand it... but typically I do not need to demand restitution in order to resolve the situation. It's like they hurt me / wounded me in some way, which was wrong; but my goal is not to have them make things better for me, my goal is for them to become a better person. I feel comfortable with the types of apologies that work for me (expressing regret, accepting responsibility) because it conforms to my goal in the situation: For them to realize what they did wrong, and for them to become better people. I don't need them to do anything for me typically, and often feel kind of unsettled if they do because it's really not about me. I don't know why I am this way; I do know if they get over their issue and become better, it's good for me in the long run and no gift now will be better than that.
Note the caveats here:
- if someone is just rattling off some cold assessment of the situation, I can read that, and I know it hasn't motivated them to change and become better, and so I'll still be upset. They might be perceptive, but they're still a flake no matter how one looks at it.
- if someone says, "i'm responsible," but that doesn't motivate them to change their behavior or do something to show that acceptance of responsibility, then it's garbage. I remember watching presidential debates before the election, where people were "taking responsibility," but you could tell by the context and how they said it and what they did NOT do afterwards (or DID do) that it meant nothing to them, which just made me angry watching them. What did it actually mean to "take responsibility"?
- as far as what apologies I give to others, I give them what they want if I'm sorry. I might also apologize in the way I prefer, but I know if they need a tangible sign, etc., or reparation, then I will do that because I know it's what they need to feel better and for the relationship to be restored.