Lost Childhood Messages

[VagrantFarce]

Got an interesting email this morning, decided to persue a little further:

http://spaceagesage.com/2008/10/02/lost-childhood-messages/

Early childhood is filled with input from every direction. Like sponges, we soak up our experiences and take them into our hearts and minds. We embrace the world with open arms, never having a clue that all we intake may not be good for us.

In their book The Wisdom of the Enneagram — The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types, authors Don Riso and Russ Hudson explain the ancient system of self understanding, personality differences, and how to overcome inner barriers and issues. It is a cornerstone in my personal growth. I’ve been amazed at how accurate and insightful the Enneagram is.

Early in the book, the authors cover what they call Lost Childhood Messages.

While we receive many messages from childhood that limit us, there are also messages that every child needs to hear … The Lost Message, the message that has not been heard (even if it was sent), often becomes the central issue for the child and the core of his or her Basic Fear. Thus, for each {Enneagram} type, the adult personality structure does whatever it can to have others give us the Lost Message we never adequately received.

I’ve discovered the Lost Message for me has shaped many of the negatives in my life — my over-the-top perfectionism; my tendency in the past to succumb to strong, charismatic leadership; my fears of success and failure — they all stem from the message that my heart, mind, and soul yearned to hear and embrace, but never could until my 40s.

Here is the list of Lost Messages matched to the personality type:

Type One:…. “You are good.”
Type Two: …”“You are wanted.”
Type Three: .“You are loved for yourself.”
Type Four: …“You are seen for who you are.”
Type Five: ….“Your needs are not a problem.”
Type Six: … ..“You are safe.”
Type Seven:..“You will be taken care of.”
Type Eight: ..“You will not be betrayed.”
Type Nine: ...“Your presence matters.”

Although it may seem that all these messages are something we need to hear, each one is deeply connected to the essence of the corresponding personality type. If you know yourself well, one of these messages will resonate with you more than the others.

For example, being good, wanted, or seen for who I am is nice but not fundamentally meaningful to me. I also don’t want to be betrayed or have my presence disregarded, but I can deal with that. My needs and being taken care of don’t take up a lot of my daily existence. Knowing, however, that it is safe to be me, to speak my mind, to open up my heart — that is a message I could never input as a kid, and I became a striving, stressing perfectionist to try to cope with the deficit.

Thankfully, I’m aware of that Lost Message now and am working to hear it in every moment of my life.

Works for me. The type five message seems to really penetrate for me.

 

[CuriousFeeling]

The type 4 message works for me as well. "I want to be accepted for who I am." is the childhood message that I've had for quite some time, and it seems right in line with "You are seen for who you are."

 

[Anew Leaf]

The type 4 message works for me as well. "I want to be accepted for who I am." is the childhood message that I've had for quite some time, and it seems right in line with "You are seen for who you are."

I'm glad you wrote this because now the 4 definitely makes sense to me the most. The other way it was worded, I was like, what?

 

[011235813]

There's another part to this as well: the unconscious childhood messages.

We all received many different unconscious messages from our mother and father (as well as from other significant figures) during childhood. Those messages had a profound effect on our growing identity and on how much we were allowed to fully be ourselves. Unless our parents were highly developed, conscious human beings themselves, the expansive brilliance of our soul was forced to shut down to varying degrees. Although some of use received many of the following messages, one message tends to be central to each type.

Type One: It's not okay to make mistakes.
Type Two: It's not okay to have your own needs.
Type Three: It's not okay to have your own feelings and identity.
Type Four: It's not okay to be too functional or too happy.
Type Five: It's not okay to be comfortable in the world.
Type Six: It's not okay to trust yourself.
Type Seven: It's not okay to depend on anyone for anything.
Type Eight: It's not okay to be vulnerable or to trust anyone.
Type Nine: It's not okay to assert yourself.

Credit to HollyGolightly of PerN.

 

[Silveresque]

Type One:…. “You are good.”
Type Two: …”“You are wanted.”
Type Three: .“You are loved for yourself.”
Type Four: …“You are seen for who you are.”
Type Five: ….“Your needs are not a problem.”
Type Six: … ..“You are safe.”
Type Seven:..“You will be taken care of.”
Type Eight: ..“You will not be betrayed.”
Type Nine: ...“Your presence matters.”

I get 2, 3, 4, 5, and 9. (3, 4, and 5 fit the best)

Type One: It's not okay to make mistakes.
Type Two: It's not okay to have your own needs.
Type Three: It's not okay to have your own feelings and identity.
Type Four: It's not okay to be too functional or too happy.
Type Five: It's not okay to be comfortable in the world.
Type Six: It's not okay to trust yourself.
Type Seven: It's not okay to depend on anyone for anything.
Type Eight: It's not okay to be vulnerable or to trust anyone.
Type Nine: It's not okay to assert yourself.

I get 1, 2, 7, and 9. (1 fits the best by far)

 

[PeaceBaby]

lol reading through those, the 9 ones fit well, and the others that also create twinges of truth are 1, 3 and 7. How wing-y and tritype-y.

Although I would distill the 9 message from "Your presence matters" to "YOU matter".

As for "Type Nine: It's not okay to assert yourself." That pretty much summarizes my whole relationship with my Dad growing up.

 

[Coriolis]

Type Five: ….“Your needs are not a problem.”

This one doesn't resonate with me at all, though I have by all other accounts identified as a five.

Type Four: …“You are seen for who you are.”

This is the one that resonates with me most strongly, but I see it not so much as acceptance as understanding. It doesn't bother me if someone dislikes me or wants nothing to do with me, as long as it is because of who I really am, and not some mistaken impression of me. If someone "accepts me as I am" but demonstrates a lack of understanding of myself as a person, that is more disturbing.

 

[Zarathustra]

Here is the list of Lost Messages matched to the personality type:

Type One:…. “You are good.”
Type Two: …”“You are wanted.”
Type Three: .“You are loved for yourself.”
Type Four: …“You are seen for who you are.”
Type Five: ….“Your needs are not a problem.”
Type Six: … ..“You are safe.”
Type Seven:..“You will be taken care of.”
Type Eight: ..“You will not be betrayed.”
Type Nine: ...“Your presence matters.”

From this, I'd say I'm an 8, but I still think I'm a 5w6 sx/so who's highly integrated into 8.

It all fits too well with me being a relatively extroverted INTJ.

 

[Patches]

Five and Six seem to be pretty spot on. I identify as a 6.

 

[King sns]

I identify with type 7 and I did grow up feeling though I needed to take care of myself. So it works, but I'm not sure why not being taken care of= type 7. However, I also identify very strongly with type 4 and never had an issue with my family not seeing me for who I am or sending a message like that.

 

[highlander]

Makes me even more convinced that tritype is valid. Nice list.


Type One:…. “You are good.”
Type Two: …”“You are wanted.”
Type Three: .“You are loved for yourself.”
Type Four: …“You are seen for who you are.”
Type Five: ….“Your needs are not a problem.”
Type Six: … ..“You are safe.”
Type Seven:..“You will be taken care of.”
Type Eight: ..“You will not be betrayed.”
Type Nine: ...“Your presence matters.”

 

[Viridian]

Couldn't the Eight message also apply to Six?

 

[Glycerine]

The 5 and 6 are good. My mother and I were talking the other day about how I have been bulldozed by other people (family included) most of my life.

 

[Jaguar]

Type One:…. “You are good.”

I know this.

Type Two: …”“You are wanted.”

I know this.

Type Three: .“You are loved for yourself.”

I know this.

Type Four: …“You are seen for who you are.”

I know this.

Type Five: ….“Your needs are not a problem.”

I know this.

Type Six: … ..“You are safe.”

I know this.

Type Seven:..“You will be taken care of.”

I know this.

Type Eight: ..“You will not be betrayed.”

I know this.

Type Nine: ...“Your presence matters.”

I know this.


Too bad, Riso. I didn't have fucked up parents.

 

[Zarathustra]

Too bad, Riso. I didn't have fucked up parents.

I wouldn't go so far as this, cuz I think that some of the negative versions of these ideas can affect someone no matter how good their parents are, but I do think that's why I don't quite jibe with the 5 and 6 descriptions here. I had/have awesome parents, so I never really felt worried about my "needs" or about my "safety". I did always have a little of an issue with betrayal, though, but even that wasn't excessively overriding or anything, and I don't think it can really be ascribed all too much to my parents.

Per usual, I think the enneagram takes a little too much of a pathologizing approach. Makes your type a little more difficult to determine if you're a healthy individual. I'm pretty confident from reading the healthier levels of the e-types that I'm a 5w6 sx/so pretty well integrated into an 8w9 (INTJ->ENTJ). Haven't looked into this tri-type stuff much at all, though.

 

[Glycerine]

Too bad, Riso. I didn't have fucked up parents.

So does that mean that the rest of us have fucked up parents?

 

[Jaguar]

So does that mean that the rest of us have fucked up parents? :rofl:

If their dad is named, Riso. Lol.

 

[King sns]

If their dad is named, Riso.

You know what? I want my kid to be a two so they can help around the house and stuff. (Checks list.) I will never ever let them know they are wanted. I am just going to let them wonder and wonder until they are pretty much taking care of all my responsibilities so I can go have fun like 7's should do. I may even speed up the process by telling them all the other stuff, ("you are safe, you are unique, etc.) But I am going to make it very very clear that they are not wanted in any way.

 

[Glycerine]

If their dad is named, Riso. Lol.

I would hate to have some sort of psychologist for a dad. Hah.

 

[gromit]

They all seem kind of like the same to me...