[ESFJ] I can not relate to ESFJs

[prplchknz]

Don't get me wrong I like them, I just have a hard time relating to them. It's like what they want to talk about and what I want to talk about are very different things, and I think we bore each other. And we both end up being offended for different reasons, it's like how do I relate to someone I have barely anything in common with? Also what types do you find in general having a hard time relating to?

 

[Elfboy]

perhaps you could compliment them on their more admirable qualities. I don't relate well to ESFJs either, but much of this has to do with the fact that they care about other people so much (as opposed to being a selfish bastard like me lol), so I compliment them on this. also, a healthy ESFJ will usually be interested to here about you and your experiences if they like you. if you have any sort of social hobbies (hosting parties, shopping, various friend involved activities), you're likely to strike a common chord or at least peak their interests.

 

[mmhmm]

my esfj mother has to show me everything she bought
and go into detail about each individual item, from what
the store clerk's selling spiel was to how the product was
made and what made it good enough for her to buy.

sometimes i'm wonder if she's convincing herself out of
buyer's remorse. it's funny when i'm not busy. and i
sort of just tune in and out.

 

[Giggly]

You have 3 choices:

1) If you find someone boring, unrelateable, and offensive, avoid them and know that you're doing the right thing.
2) Challenge them head on. Battle with them and attempt to change their mind/ways.
3) Attempt to understand and relate to them better by spending more time with them, and talking to them in a non-antagonistic/non-condescending/we're-both-just-people way.

 

[prplchknz]

I don't find them offensive. That's the problem I just find them boring and uninteresting, so I can't activley hate them. I don't care about changing their minds,

 

[Giggly]

I don't find them offensive. That's the problem I just find them boring and uninteresting, so I can't activley hate them. I don't care about changing their minds,

So you have a bleeding heart?

 

[prplchknz]

no, i don't have a bleeding heart.

 

[Giggly]

Oh, well, I don't understand why this concerns you.

*waits for you to say "I'm not concerned"*

 

[prplchknz]

because I live with an ESFJ currently

 

[Giggly]

Yeah I don't get the feeling that you really want to change things. Just complain.

 

[prplchknz]

no i do, don't tell me what I do and not want.

 

[Totenkindly]

I don't find them offensive. That's the problem I just find them boring and uninteresting, so I can't activley hate them. I don't care about changing their minds,

Well, if you are forced to spend time with an ESFJ and you find her boring and uninteresting, then you're in quite the pickle, aren't you?

You don't really have a choice. Either you avoid the ESFJ, you act on your best casual behavior around them to avoid fights, or you start asking lots of questions when they say stuff you don't care about, in order to maybe trigger your empathy ability. Once you start seeing the world through the ESFJ's eyes, maybe you'll find it more interesting... and at least able to appreciate the things they value and love them on that basis alone.

You can also "limit" time with them in scheduled fashion. Lay claim to your own need for space, but schedule time to spend with them and be fully invested while you are there, so that when the time limit is up, you can go on your way and both of you can be in good conscience about it.

 

[prplchknz]

Well, if you are forced to spend time with an ESFJ and you find her boring and uninteresting, then you're in quite the pickle, aren't you?

You don't really have a choice. Either you avoid the ESFJ, you act on your best casual behavior around them to avoid fights, or you start asking lots of questions when they say stuff you don't care about, in order to maybe trigger your empathy ability. Once you start seeing the world through the ESFJ's eyes, maybe you'll find it more interesting... and at least able to appreciate the things they value and love them on that basis alone.

You can also "limit" time with them in scheduled fashion. Lay claim to your own need for space, but schedule time to spend with them and be fully invested while you are there, so that when the time limit is up, you can go on your way and both of you can be in good conscience about it.

Thank you! I mean I don't hate her, I like her but sometimes I just wanna be like shut up!!! I don't know who the hottest guy on tv is. But of course I say first name that pops in to my head nod and smile. And she doesn't take my humor well, and anyone who knows me knows that I tend to be an asshole at times, and its not like I'm only an asshole to her. and it's not easy to bite my tongue. I should work on biting my tongue.

 

[Giggly]

no i do, don't tell me what I do and not want.

It sure seems that way. Then try explaining what you want help with.

 

[prplchknz]

no that's ok jennifer figured it out. I don't know how else to explain it. especially since i said like 3 times in the thread, that I do not hate ESFJs that I just have a hard time relating to them and find them boring. I find listening to lectures boring, but I don't hate them. It's possible that I don't relate to this ESFJ not because she's an ESFJ but for other reasons.

 

[Giggly]

no that's ok jennifer figured it out. I don't know how else to explain it. especially since i said like 3 times in the thread, that I do not hate ESFJs that I just have a hard time relating to them and find them boring. I find listening to lectures boring, but I don't hate them.

yeah I know she did. I did too. There are all the other sections of this forum to complain about SJ's.

 

[prplchknz]

I'm not complaining! so stop accusing me of complaining! for godsakes!

Ok I remembered something, I have the tendecy of pissing her off and half the time I have no idea what I've done. I'm not trying to be best friends with her, but I don't want it to devolve into us hating each other's guts either.

 

[Emectar]

yeah I know she did. I did too. There are all the other sections of this forum to complain about SJ's.

You're getting too defensive. She wasn't attacking ESFJs.

 

[prplchknz]

You're getting too defensive. She wasn't attacking ESFJs.

this ^^^

 

[Giggly]

I'm not complaining! so stop accusing me of complaining! for godsakes!

Ok I remembered something, I have the tendecy of pissing her off and half the time I have no idea what I've done. I'm not trying to be best friends with her, but I don't want it to devolve into us hating each other's guts either.

Ask her.