What is my enneagram type?

[Eckhart]

Hey,

I have been around here now for a year or so and feel quite safe with my MBTI type. What didn't really catch my interest that much yet was the enneagram stuff. Since I notice people here seem to value enneagram type often as much as MBTI, I think I might give it a try, since I obviously would be interested to learn more about myself still.

Sadly with my enneagram type I am not so quick to find what fits to me. I have done a few tests which are linked everywhere here on the forums, but I seem to get always a different type as result. So I guessed I will just ask you again!

Although I am already a year here, I guess I haven't really make noticeable footprints here, so I am not expecting that people will have much thoughts what type I could be (or much interest in the question, heh). If you want to help me still, and need more information of me, you might ask me for information. I don't know spontaneously what to include.

Btw. test results I got have been the following types: 4w5, 5w4 and 9w8 (I think). Today I took two tests, both from the site 9types.com; the normal test I got 9w8 (seven points on type 9, five points on 4, 5, and I think 6 or maybe it was 3, either of them it was at least). On the "new test" I got 4w5 with nine points on type 4, -3 on type 3, -2 on type 5, and five points on type 9. The other types didn't get significant points so I guess I would rule them out, especially since I heard types 4, 5 and 9 are usually the case for INFPs anyway.

So thanks if you like to help me, and if not, well, I guess then I have to think about it later more alone (much stress this week) or just leave it alone.

 

[Hopelandic]

Hi Eckhart!

Before we even get into enneagram... can I ask. This stress you briefly mentioned. How are you dealing with it, what are it's effects on you, and if you feel comfortable saying so, what is it about the thing making you stressed, that makes you stressed in the first place?

 

[Eckhart]

Hey, thanks for your interest Before I answer on all questions I briefly summarize what causes the stress, so you know what kind of stress I am having.

I am having an exam tomorrow in mathematics, an exam which I failed in the first try (because it was simply so difficult that by normal measure 95% would have failed, so they lowered the needed scores a bit, but wasn't enough for me to pass still); usually there is only two dates for writing the exam per semester, but because the first one was judged too difficult by university, they offer a third date which I am now trying to pass. Now the whole stuff is rather difficult enough already, and it is much stuff to learn, but it is not my only university matter worrying me right now. We have to do a software project in this semester over something like 2 months, which started last week; we are 7 people in a group, I didn't know any of them before so we are new to each other. Problem is we have to make a weekly report with some tasks we have to do over the week which we then present to our adviosor, and they demand much from us (first it is things we never did before, second it is not trivial stuff either). Every week there is another person of us who has the responsibility, and this week it is my turn, so I have to coordinate the work and make sure everything gets done, and have to prepare the presentation for next week. So not only it is much new stuff for me, but the role of being basically the group leader for a week is totally new for me, because I am used to keep more in the background when it comes to group work.

So basically I just have a ton of stuff do to all in a short time, in addition to the normal courses I am visiting in my study.

How are you dealing with it

Well, right now I am doing ok I guess. Since I know I would be overloaded with work, I took the day yesterday free so I didn't go to my courses and used the time to learn for my exam and doing some part of the tasks we discussed today. I worked since Tuesday very much, without wasting too much thoughts about it. Before I go to work again I make sure to recover again so I can fully concentrate again. I started to learn for exam only lately again, but since I learned already in the past months most stuff, I am rather used to the stuff so I feel half-confident with my exam, although I am not sure how difficult it will be (the reader who does the exam is sadly infamous at our university for being a nightmare for students, and well, the fact that they have to even repeat one date for exam again says all, doesn't it?).

I don't totally cancel my free time for the work; it is important for me to recover from stress I had before, and I know I can only work efficiently if I don't neglect my needs. I take my time, but of course not much more than needed. This thread here is also a bit of my way to distract of all the work and think about something which interests me

what are it's effects on you

I am exhausted, mostly physical, sometimes a bit mental. I need to take my time to fully recover from all the stuff to do, alone. I am also a little nervous about the exam tomorrow, but not very much. I don't tend to get nervous much before exams generally.

The knowledge I have to do much stuff still for the group work is a bit demoralizing.

what is it about the thing making you stressed, that makes you stressed in the first place?

Well, it is on the one hand the quantity of stuff I have to do. I am usually lazy, and I work much mostly only when I have to On the other hand the difficulty of the tasks. I am not sure I will be able to finish all the work I have to do, because for the exam I know it will be hard, and for the group work it is new stuff which no one really explained much to us. And then again, the whole situation with new people I have to work with which I don't know yet, and currently even lead a bit which is just an unknown experience for me. Thankfully most of them are rather nice (although some of them apparently not 100% reliable), our elected group leader who seems most competent however is rather critical and also criticised me already which made me feel a bit bad for a moment, but which I didn't think for long about because I had to concentrate on other matters. I try to not take it too personal.


I hope you can make something out of it, and that I didn't write too chaotic / too much.

 

[Hopelandic]

I hope your exams went ok Eck!

I read through everything, but I don't want to make any judgments without more info.

Can you get me a song, or a few songs that you really feel attached to, and tell me why?

Why do you prefer to be more in the background?

If you were to describe yourself in 10 words, what would they be and tell me why, if you wish to.

How do you see yourself in regards to other people?

How do you approach conflicts and arguments? why?

What is your imagine and fantasy life filled with?

How do you generally interact with people? (feel free to interpret how you wish).

 

[Eckhart]

I hope your exams went ok Eck!

I think it did, but I am not completely sure yet Will see in a month or so.

Can you get me a song, or a few songs that you really feel attached to, and tell me why?

Erf. I don't really know a song spontaneoulsy which I would really say it represents me. It depends on my current mood mostly. I hope you don't mind if I skip the question :/

Why do you prefer to be more in the background?

That is complicated (more than the question itself looks like on the first look). I just feel awkward when suddenly a crowd of people in the same time pays great attention to me, or several people want to talk to me in the same time. It is a bit paradox because I actually don't want to just blend into the masses either. I feel the need to be recognized, accepted and respected for how I am, though often not that much for my achievements but rather for my personality. Maybe I would prefer to be shown the attention more in 1on1-communication. I can come out in 1on1-communication more.

I have been very shy in the past in general, and just felt that I was not appreciated for the way I am in many ways. I think that contributed to me feeling especially awkward about things. I got slowly better over the years about the things, though. Since I am at university, and rarely present stuff, I feel not very awkward anymore actually. Maybe because it is that I don't know the people, and I know they don't judge me for my personality much anyway (neither positive nor neative), it doesn't matter that much. Actually I think I did a very good presentation today again.

If you were to describe yourself in 10 words, what would they be and tell me why, if you wish to.

Hm, again such question style which I don't prefer so much, because I find it hard to describe myself in only 10 words But I try:

idealistic, helpful, solitary, calm, easy-going, unpractical, accepting, reflective/thoughtful, intelligent, lazy

I think most words explain from itself, but some addtions I want to make. Actually I usually would never say offensive of myself that I am somehow intelligent or so, but I know people think of me like that in real life, and I know I understand some things very easily which others have issues with for example. I know there is people who are better in things than me, but I know I am not only average everywhere either.

Also I wrote I am solitary, which is somehow true. I always had some kind of distance to people since long... and somehow it may be some facet of my personality. On the other hand I feel also driven to people, and would even call myself a people-person, although I am not having an easy time getting close to people.

And I am rather accepting I think, but I can be also very critical sometimes.

How do you see yourself in regards to other people?

Well... somehow I see myself as being different to other people in more ways than would be reasonable. I mean, I try to recognize every person as an individual, and every person has something unique about them I think, but people also share some traits, and sometimes I feel like the number of differences for me to other people is just bigger than for most other people. I mean, it goes not only by one direction, it seems to be like other people think the same of me too, and they say it in some way sometimes. Even since I was a small child people noticed me as being different in some ways, and in some ways people also treated me differently I felt often. Some people seemed to like me for being different, and other people on the other hand seemed to have a problem with me for no apparent reason being given from my side.

Looking at the question from another perspective, I think I have some abilities which I have better developed than many people, but also some abilities which I have more problems to use than most other people. I answered that a bit in the 10-word-question also. I don't think I am somehow better or worse than most people, but simply different. Actually some of that could be related to the stereotypes of Intuitive and Sensor dichotomoy in MBTI possibly, which made me learn that there is actually some more people who I can relate in some ways to than I thought before.

Some more differences: I feel like I am more idealistic and more oriented to harmony than most people, and I truely dislike the elbow-mentality of many people.

How do you approach conflicts and arguments? why?

Depends on the other party mostly. I usually try to understand where the other person is coming from and try to understand the arguments so I can explain why I see things different. I try to find a common basis on which we can agree on, and explain why I think different in some ways. To me it is crucial though how the argument is running, the form of communication I mean. If people just make negative judgements, use aggressive talk or whatever, I will usually ignore them or react angry from my own side. I cannot deal easily with direct criticism, which I can take very personal. If I feel though that the other person is trying to be constructive and doesn't judge me negatively, I have no problems to accept and discuss it usually. Or so I believe at least

What is your imagine and fantasy life filled with?

Oh, that is so hard to answer again! It is mostly filled with good things, nice things, beautiful things. I am probably a hopeless and probably somewhat naive romantic when it comes to love for example. I dream of utopic things, mostly manifestations of my ideals. Literally dreaming in sleep I am not very often, but if I do it is mostly positive things too. But yes... it is not so easy to express that inner life into words more concrete...

How do you generally interact with people? (feel free to interpret how you wish).

Hm... well, I am usually trying to be friendly (but not by using empty phrases very much, but just try to be warm to them). I am less shy nowadays, but not very offensive either, rather cautious and sometimes a little awkward. Rather modest also. I can sometimes be actually pretty silly with people I am more close to, but rather not so much to people I don't know very well and I don't trust too much yet. With that comes sometimes some kind of "played" arrogance / self-confidence maybe If it is with people I am comfortable with, then I try to have a good time and entertain people a little bit even, although of course well-dosed

Usually though I am more listening and passive in interaction, especially with those I am less close to. I prefer to listen to what other people have to say rather than talking myself about things, often because I just don't know what to say at the moment, or because I don't know if I don't make me look like a fool in that moment if I say what I think. I have to force myself then sometimes to actually participate actively a bit into conversation (because otherwise it ends up usually in people asking me out constantly to get me to talk, which again makes me awkward), and ask other people things in exchange so we don't only end up talking about me for example.


---

I hope I answered everything in a correct way, and again thanks for your answer

 

[Chloe]

I am not sure, but from your answers I'd say you are a 5 more than a 9, just a vibe thing, though didnt see enough info. Definately not a 4, that seems sure thing.

So, ... how do you react when you have a fight with someone close ?

 

[Eckhart]

Hm... well, I don't know. I can mostly only name my parents, where I react often very emotionally and sometimes getting very loud actually after some while of quickly growing teasing and poking. I cannot recall having fights with other people who were close to me in the past actually; my best friend actually is very conflict avoiding. I don't really argue loud with other "friends" either, mostly I show that I am annoyed but get more resignating because I realize they don't care anyway so I am more annoyed for myself.

I know, what I write right now sounds possibly very spongy, but I really cannot say much to that. I had not much people close to me, and well, I can really only name real arguments with my parents :/

Actually you made me curious in what exactly made you sure I am not a 4

 

[Chloe]

Hm... well, I don't know. I can mostly only name my parents, where I react often very emotionally and sometimes getting very loud actually after some while of quickly growing teasing and poking. I cannot recall having fights with other people who were close to me in the past actually; my best friend actually is very conflict avoiding. I don't really argue loud with other "friends" either, mostly I show that I am annoyed but get more resignating because I realize they don't care anyway so I am more annoyed for myself.

I know, what I write right now sounds possibly very spongy, but I really cannot say much to that. I had not much people close to me, and well, I can really only name real arguments with my parents :/

well when something disturbs you - do you go to analyzing it to death, retreating in your room.... or you dont tolerate negative atmosphere and try to make peace with that person as soon as possible, and stop fighting ?
you said you never had fight with anyone except with your parents (and i dont think parents are good example because i know how i fight with my mom, definately differently than with other people, living with someone for 20 yrs makes you do so )... so i know it's hard to tell... but you clearly have been disturbed if for example friend says something offensive, or ...


do you have a fear that people will invade your private space and you wont be able to keep parts of yourself?

do you think knowledge is biggest power?

you could very well be a 9, but something in your posts sounded more thinking type.

Actually you made me curious in what exactly made you sure I am not a 4

you clearly are not a drama queen, you dont wallow in feelings just for wallowing in them, as i said; you seem more on thinking side.

 

[Chloe]

basically you are undecided about type in each triad (9,4,5)
so maybe picking triads would help too

i really doubt you are in image/identity triad



so is this more like you ? (edit:hah, i think he speaks more about 8s here )
[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOuuk9ms0So"]9.[/YOUTUBE]

or this ?
[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOuuk9ms0So"]5[/YOUTUBE]


or this (which i doubt)

[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbEkWmFUiRY&feature=related"]image[/YOUTUBE]

 

[Eckhart]

well when something disturbs you - do you go to analyzing it to death, retreating in your room.... or you dont tolerate negative atmosphere and try to make peace with that person as soon as possible, and stop fighting ?
you said you never had fight with anyone except with your parents (and i dont think parents are good example because i know how i fight with my mom, definately differently than with other people, living with someone for 20 yrs makes you do so )... so i know it's hard to tell... but you clearly have been disturbed if for example friend says something offensive, or ...

It depends on how offensive it was to me... if it was more offensive to me, then I would say I would rather retreat to myself and think about it for some time, holding some kind of grudge maybe... but I don't know if I am actually analyzing it to death either. I mean, yes, it bothers me and I think some time about it, but then I start to think the person has no clue anyway and I try to distract myself from it. I will not always forget instantly about things, and I don't actively try to make peace with that person as soon as possible definitely. Often I don't talk about that topic anymore after that.

do you have a fear that people will invade your private space and you wont be able to keep parts of yourself?

Yes, I have a fear that people will invade my private space often. I am not sure exactly with what you mean with "keep parts of yourself" (I sometimes have still issues with English it seems...). Do you mean with it that I show too much of my privacy or that I will somehow "loose" a part of my own? If the first, then yes, if the second, then I think no, but I don't really know.

do you think knowledge is biggest power?

No. This actually is one thing which makes me feel somehow distant to the (few, admittedly) type descriptions of 5s. I don't identify with the described highly valued rationality that much. Those questions which I also saw in MBTI tests where they ask something in the direction of "Would you rather want to be recognized for being a person with [true feelings / empathy / warmness / etc.] or being very rational / reasonable", I always identify strongly with the first. Also, while I overanalyze some things probably, it is mostly things which bother me personally, from an emotional side also. I don't have to analyze and overthink everything else though, often I cannot be bothered with it.

But maybe I just got a wrong impression of the descriptions also, and that is actually not untypical for 5s? Well, I guess for that reason I am asking here for help ^^

you clearly are not a drama queen, you dont wallow in feelings just for wallowing in them, as i said; you seem more on thinking side.

Well, I guess I should take that as a compliment (not being a drama queen) ^^ I don't know. I wallow in feelings for myself more than I show outside I think. I have been in very depressed mood for long... but, I guess, that is not related to type, is it? I mean, when you are depressed, you somehow necessarily are wallowing in it, in some way? Oh well, I don't know.


I also watched your videos (the first and second actually have been the same?), but I must admit I didn't understand them completely. I don't know if it is English problems or I am having trouble to concentrate fully right now, because I don't feel too well today (I also slept very badly today).

 

[Chloe]

hah i am still not sure - how important for you is comfort, like comfortable clothes, bed sheets... ? do you feel like you are passive about physical movement, example, if you get up in the morning you are easily active all day, and if you dont then you have trouble starting anything ?
do you merge with others? (this made me think 5...)

also, 9s go to 6s in stress, 5s to 7, so consider that. do you sometimes reach for "inappropriate" humor, ignore problems hoping they'll just go away ? or you become fearful and uncertain (after being ambivalent) ?

 

[Eckhart]

how important for you is comfort, like comfortable clothes, bed sheets... ?

I like comfortable things, but when it comes to clothes I obviously have to make a compromise often. I am very picky when buying clothes (not in a way that I know what I want, but rather what I don't want ^^) and go by looks mostly first, but if it is uncomfortable I will not take it. My favourite clothes are then again though those clothes I have which are most comfortable while not looking stupid. I feel well with comfortable things, but I don't know if it is really more important (or much more) for me than for anyone. Bed sheets... well, I am lazy with making my bed, but I feel much better with comfortable bed sheets I notice still ^^

do you feel like you are passive about physical movement, example, if you get up in the morning you are easily active all day, and if you dont then you have trouble starting anything ?

I am sorry, I have again problems understanding the question I think. With being passive about physical movement... well, maybe in some way. I don't really feel totally in touch with my body always ^^ Not very coordinated.

The other part: Do you mean that like (for example) on a normal day I would get up at 7:00 am, where I am dealing with the day in a normal way, but then on another day I would suddenly get up at 9:00 am and feel not able to do anything although I had more sleep? That's how I understood the question somehow. If so, then no I have only trouble if I have to get up earlier than usual, where I feel unable to do much at all at the start of the day, but I will get more awake over the day (like today; I woke up at 6:30 am after something like <6 hours sleep, and felt awful the whole morning, but around noon I felt actually very energetic, and still now I have trouble concentrating again). Actually I feel better to not sleep at all rather than sleeping only very short (of course, I don't know how it would be on the long term).

do you merge with others? (this made me think 5...)

In what way? Emotionally, like relating strongly to the other person for some moments? If so, then, well, it happens not that often, but I think it happened. With one person I felt sometimes like that, because we seemed to share very similar views/humour I felt most other people wouldn't understand. Or like I found a person very fascinating and could relate in some way to him/her, getting actually a little obsessed about it ^^

also, 9s go to 6s in stress, 5s to 7, so consider that. do you sometimes reach for "inappropriate" humor, ignore problems hoping they'll just go away ? or you become fearful and uncertain (after being ambivalent) ?

Hm, I see... I guess I will have to read those descriptions then too. Well, I can relate a bit with the inappropriate humour, but it does not happen that often. With the problems, I know my undecidedness might be annoying already but I cannot really tell! I can relate to both somewhat, and sometimes it is a combination of both (being fearful about it, but still ignoring it as in not doing something about it, but still being thinking about it and having trouble finding sleep often then). I cannot even tell what I do more often.

 

[Chloe]

you know what ? I think you are a 9. Very likely. Hopefully someone else will give you opinion also, but I'd bet on 9.
Because;

I am very picky when buying clothes (not in a way that I know what I want, but rather what I don't want ^^)

THIS. that's so 9ish. Its even textbook example of 9's .. i read somewhere "9 will pick what to wear by eliminating everything she will not wear and then wearing what is left" - LOL. Did you read that somewhere or ?

I know my undecidedness might be annoying already but I cannot really tell! I can relate to both somewhat, and sometimes it is a combination of both (being fearful about it, but still ignoring it as in not doing something about it, but still being thinking about it and having trouble finding sleep often then). I cannot even tell what I do more often.

this also sounds 9ish.

 

[Hopelandic]

you know what ? I think you are a 9. Very likely. Hopefully someone else will give you opinion also, but I'd bet on 9.
Because;



THIS. that's so 9ish. Its even textbook example of 9's .. i read somewhere "9 will pick what to wear by eliminating everything she will not wear and then wearing what is left" - LOL. Did you read that somewhere or ?



this also sounds 9ish.

Yeah I think you're right, I didn't want to jump the gun. But I wasn't getting any 4-ish elitist vibes from Eck. I've talked to him before... I was pretty sure on 9, just wanted more info. I immediately got 9-6-2 tri-type vibes. I get a degree of warmth from him, I couldn't really see 3 or 4 as his image fix and see more 2, though I could be wrong. Head fix, i'm not so certain, but i'm thinking 6w7.

 

[Chloe]

yeah i excluded 5 for sure..
yes, i definately see a 6ish parts after 9 too.

figuring out peoples enneagram type is so fun to me; its like a puzzle.. not very easy to slove which makes it interesting.. i find ways to eliminate impossible.. rare things are fun in this way to me, maths brings the same analytical "purety" - Enneagram is very logical system, if only more people see this!

 

[Hopelandic]

yeah i excluded 5 for sure..
yes, i definately see a 6ish parts after 9 too.

figuring out peoples enneagram type is so fun to me; its like a puzzle.. not very easy to slove which makes it interesting.. i find ways to eliminate impossible.. rare things are fun in this way to me, maths brings the same analytical "purety" - Enneagram is very logical system, if only more people see this!

Oh yeah, I love it too. Analysing with a system once you get the hang of it, is glorious. I've really taken to analysing people now. Once you figure out how to ask the right questions, it becomes fun.

Do you get any vibes for his variant Petra?

 

[Chloe]

no i am still variant-dummie you?

 

[Eckhart]

Oh, ok, didn't expect now suddenly a clear result

@Petra Pan: No, I didn't read it somewhere ^^ I mean, it doesn't go ALWAYS like that, but most of the time... I believe.
@Hopelandic: Oh, ok. I am a bit confused, but what is the difference between tri-type and "head fix", or other said, would I be now type 9 or type 6w7 as you write?

I don't know, I will have to read the descriptions soon again (read a bit about 9, but not that much). What I again don't relate so much with 9 descriptions is the whole stuff about being basically a pushover and doormat; I mean, when it is something which really doesn't bother me, I won't start an argument about it, but if it is something I really don't want then I am always strong willed against it and don't let me get forced into things. And also I don't just adapt to what is socially acceptable or go blindly by authority. But maybe that is only silly stereotypes I caught up somewhere, just like with some MBTI types (some actually on this forum here). You apparently seem to be both very sure about it now, so I think I will take now a more detailed look on the descriptions (and search for more of them).

I guess I am not elitist... I mean, I really try to appreciate different people in their way and want to take them as they are mostly. While in puberty, I was probably more of an elitist... but well, maybe it was in fact because it was in puberty Well, back then I really didn't get along with people (had also much trouble at school with other people)... and felt EVERYONE was stupid. But I stopped thinking like that later, when I found several people which are actually very nice, and that made me feel closer to people again.


edit: Oups, 3 new posts while writing.

 

[Eckhart]

I am going to make probably now a very, very silly post, but I feel the need to write about it anyway.

Do you know that feel that you suddenly start to believe you are pretending something to yourself?

I was today at university again and there was this random guy sitting behind me during the course. He made all the time half-loud "intelligent" comments, and he annoyed the hell out of me. Actually he made me cook innerly and wanting him to shake (well, obviously I would never do in real ^^), and I felt no matter what he would do next, it would only annoy me more. Actually that made me realize that it is not something which just happens the first time but happen from time to time, mostly with just annoying, obnoxious or loud people. I am not really forgiving there it seems, and it doesn't sound very accepting, does it? Or it is maybe just normal, and it would be rather unnormal to just don't give a crap about nothing?

That again made me remind myself that people actually DO sometimes think that I am very aloof and distant to them, and not so warm. I for myself don't really think that it is true, although I know I can sometimes come off like that, but they just don't know me or just have no idea / are very superficial. Then again sometimes I do wonder if they are not partly right.

You know, I am just spinning forth and back all the time in my mind about such kind of things, doubting myself and sometimes it feels like I don't make any sense to myself, as if I cannot understand myself completely always. That again makes me wonder how I could actually expect other people to understand myself Sometimes I wonder if I am just insane, and sometimes again I think maybe I simply have too much time to think about things, haha.

I don't know, does that make any sense?

 

[Eckhart]

Oh well, I read now a little bit again about it and now slowly understand what you mean with tritype. I didn't know about it before at all. So when tritype is 9-6-2, then my "normal" enneagram type would be 9? And I "jump" to the other two types in certain situations?

Also I made some tests right now (in some other thread) and still I tend to score high on type 4 although you say I don't have any type 4 vibes at all. I find enneagramm so confusing still... I mean, when I read the INFP profiles I could really relate to most of it after some time, but I don't get that feel that much so far yet with enneagramm... I mean, I can relate to aspects of different enneagramms, but cannot really tell what suits me best yet. Since you are so sure on my type and you seem to have some knowledge about it, I guess type 9 won't be totally off, but I don't know, I cannot pin me on that yet... but I don't know if I can with the other types either. Maybe I am also just applying the described types in too extreme ways, and maybe they can actually manifestate in more moderate ways.

Btw the post above I wrote in a strange mood, but it is not totally stupid still I think. What I just want to tell is that I have sometimes trouble with identifying my own qualities, because I don't know what I should compare them to. I see myself as very accepting and not so judging in comparison to other people for example, but I don't know if that is so true even. I mean, I don't tend to judge for superficial things or behaviours, but then again I am very judging when people are just being fake all the time for example, or somehow going against my values strongly. I could take such comparisons with other aspects maybe too, and so I fluctuate in my own opinion of myself from time to time, and that makes it maybe difficult...