[ISTJ] How can you tell if an ISTJ loves you?

[Vika]

will they say it?
show it?
or just expect you to know?

 

[Thalassa]

I talk quite regularly with an ISxJ who says that he prefers to show love through service and gifts rather than words and excessive affection, and even that he felt that his last serious girlfriend didn't understand that and he thinks that's part of what went wrong in their relationship.

My ISTJ grandfather was the same way.

Some people only think the words "I love you" should be said on special occasions, and aren't comfortable with gushy displays.

 

[rav3n]

The ex-ISTJ said it and showed it. But not often or effusively, which worked for me. He showed his caring in doing small services to keep life running smoothly. His gifts were low-key but relatively thoughtful, things that he thought I would enjoy.

Just read your response marm. We've illustrated almost identical points.

 

[swordpath]

Ask and then physically torture us until you get a straight answer. Why would I divulge such a thing so openly? Dammit.

 

[Vika]

So you mean I can get more than just: "Maybe. Would you want me to tell you if I did?" with use of physical force?

 

[IZthe411]

You'll know it in the way I treat you vs the way I treat others. That includes my attention, time, and other resources.

To say "I Love You" all the time- just to say it -cheapens the meaning.

 

[IZthe411]

Some people only think the words "I love you" should be said on special occasions, and aren't comfortable with gushy displays.

This isn't exclusive to SJs, either.

 

[Thalassa]

This isn't exclusive to SJs, either.

You're right. I presume it's also common with NTJs, ISTPs, and some very reserved INFJs.

But we're talking about ISTJs here.

And I would speculate (in fact I know) that ESFJs are more affectionate and expressive, so it's definitely not an "SJ thing."

 

[PeaceBaby]

Well, my hubs is ESTJ, so I'll share here fwiw:

He says "I love you" to me everyday. He always kisses me before he leaves for work, and when he gets home, with some hugs too. Calls me from work almost everyday somewhere in the afternoon.

He does the dishes after dinner, always takes part in chores around our home together. Does the laundry (but that's more because he likes his laundry system .)

Always remembers the special days, wants to please me and make me happy by doing what I would like to do (but I know what he likes to do too so I combine my ideas with his and keep the man happy. I buy his favorite foods and cook his favorite stuff and he loves to walk so we do that too ...)

Those are the ways ... next month will be 22 years for us.

 

[miss fortune]

mine is much more for showing it... as he asked "why do I need to say it when I make it perfectly clear in other ways?"... he's thoughtful, he's always there to help me with anything, he listens to what I say, he looks at me like I'm the only girl in the room, he gets me small thoughtful gifts and he willingly is dragged along with me to things he doesn't really want to do and pretends to enjoy them because it makes me happy (he doesn't HAVE to by any means )

I think he'd rather be nailed to the wall by his ear than to have to verbally say it though

I'm not really one to go around saying "I love you" either though... I feel that saying it cheapens it in a way- anyone can SAY I love you, but you really have to love someone to SHOW that you love them

 

[Gerbah]

I say it all the time to my ENTP. There doesn't have to be a big reason for me to say it, so I say it often. I am also very affectionate. I am a woman though, I don't know if there is a difference between male ISTJs and female ISTJs in terms of showing affection. Most of the (few) ISTJs in this forum are men and I think this sometimes does not give the whole picture.

 

[IZthe411]

Well, my hubs is ESTJ, so I'll share here fwiw:

He says "I love you" to me everyday. He always kisses me before he leaves for work, and when he gets home, with some hugs too. Calls me from work almost everyday somewhere in the afternoon.

He does the dishes after dinner, always takes part in chores around our home together. Does the laundry (but that's more because he likes his laundry system .)

Always remembers the special days, wants to please me and make me happy by doing what I would like to do (but I know what he likes to do too so I combine my ideas with his and keep the man happy. I buy his favorite foods and cook his favorite stuff and he loves to walk so we do that too ...)

Those are the ways ... next month will be 22 years for us.

Congratulations! That's a major accomplishment.

One thing my ENFJ friend asked me- that made a lot of sense, was 'how do you know how you'll be once you are in love?'. With my last relationship, I know part of my problem was that I wasn't getting what I needed, so it made it hard to express it. Maybe I'll say it with no problem once it hits me.

 

[Giggly]

I have no problem saying "I love you" or being affectionate.

 

[miss fortune]

My ENFJ ex fiance said "I love you" all of the f__ing time... and then cheated on me I got a bit worn out on the term since he always SAID it, but he rarely SHOWED it... I've always been much more reserved about using the term but I've always been a dependable SO, I've always been there for my man, and as long as he deserves it I'll stand by him

My ISTJ had a very similar ex to mine, who used the term gratuitously while behaving badly... which means that our relationship involves a lot of showing of love and dedication and support, but little expressed with the phrase "I love you"

 

[Giggly]

My ENFJ ex fiance said "I love you" all of the f__ing time... and then cheated on me I got a bit worn out on the term since he always SAID it, but he rarely SHOWED it... I've always been much more reserved about using the term but I've always been a dependable SO, I've always been there for my man, and as long as he deserves it I'll stand by him

My ISTJ had a very similar ex to mine, who used the term gratuitously while behaving badly... which means that our relationship involves a lot of showing of love and dedication and support, but little expressed with the phrase "I love you"

Ooooh that makes a lot of sense now. I understand why you feel the way you do now. I like both hearing "I love you" and seeing it in a persons actions. I guess I'm greedy.

 

[FDG]

I say it all the time to my ENTP. There doesn't have to be a big reason for me to say it, so I say it often. I am also very affectionate. I am a woman though, I don't know if there is a difference between male ISTJs and female ISTJs in terms of showing affection. Most of the (few) ISTJs in this forum are men and I think this sometimes does not give the whole picture.

My father is ISTJ and I'd say he is fairly affectionate, however he also comes from a culture where being affectionate towards people in your family is considered "standard" (and whoever isn't tends to be considered as extremely rude / bad tempered)

 

[Giggly]

My father is ISTJ and I'd say he is fairly affectionate, however he also comes from a culture where being affectionate towards people in your family is considered "standard" (and whoever isn't tends to be considered as extremely rude / bad tempered)

I love this.

But yeah if there are differences they're probably cultural.

 

[Betty Blue]

My XSTJ much prefers to show it although he will occaisionally say it, wincing.
He actually gets quite annoyed by people who say it frequently, he thinks it cheapens the meaning.

 

[Habba]

My XSTJ much prefers to show it although he will occaisionally say it, wincing.
He actually gets quite annoyed by people who say it frequently, he thinks it cheapens the meaning.

Yes... I think it's like "Hey, can't you even see that without me spelling it out for you?".

Anyways, ISTJ in love is a person who will do everything in his/her power to make your life easier and safer.

 

[skylights]

To say "I Love You" all the time- just to say it -cheapens the meaning.

Yes... I think it's like "Hey, can't you even see that without me spelling it out for you?".

you guys are weird. cute, but weird.

i do think "i love you" really can hold genuine meaning, even if it's said often (not every 5 seconds though... or worse, every 5 seconds in public...). i don't think the need to act in a loving way applies any less - words can never be a substitute for actions. some people are just more inclined to verbalize their feelings than others.

otoh, i like when my partner doesn't say it all the time, even though i usually end up gushing it out fairly frequently (as in, at least once every couple of days). maybe that sounds like a double standard but i think it's more like i tend to fall for people who aren't the kind to say it all the time, so i know it's really special when it's said. i'd definitely include ISTJs in that group.