INTP, thanks for sharing this, and I haven't answered yet because I wanted to mull what you said around in my brain.
This ENFP and being 'the center of attention' - NOT!
Interestingly enough, at least in my case - granted, I cannot speak for your ENFP ex, and indeed I am quite different than several ENFPs I have encountered on the forum - it is not about 'wanting to be in the limelight' with my INTP husband all the time.
Fe v. Fi?
In fact, it's rather amusing. HE complains that I am often TOO independent, i.e. in his words, "I often live as though I were still alone, not thinking of us as a couple, and making autonomous decisions, often using the word 'I' whereas he uses the word 'we'."
This sounded weird coming, FROM ALL PLACES, from my INTP husband. Dude, I thought you guys LIVED for independent thought and stuff. And when I stand there like, "
*ahem* WHAT?" I am reminded of some of the threads in here.
I think it comes from Fe v. Fi. I'm not sure, though. Strange, strange that. I'd expect that from an ENFJ for Christ's sake.
Anyway, funny thing - I was an only child, so I can occupy my time quite fine alone. This really, really, REALLY bothered me as a kid, but when you adapt to the situation, you adjust, and then you find it difficult to realize, "Holy shit, there is actually someone in my life now." All your activities involved being alone or with random groups of people.
So actually I am not the hampering dudette who is always like, "Whaaaa you don't spend enough time with me. Whaaaa go there, do this, do that." Actually, when my husband says, "I'm going to this place," I am like, "Oh, good, have fun," after which he sorta half-jokes, "Oh, yeah, good that the asshole's going!!!!" I am not sure if he is offended that I say that. So I tell him, "Nooooo, I just want you to have fun, and I could use some time alone, too. We shouldn't always be attached to each other by the hip. You need your fun, too." Don't know if that makes it worse, but whatever.
Ti? WTHF is that? And how do I deal with you????
So anyway, Ti. Yeah, it doesn't bother me as much as it BAFFLES me. Seeing someone 'grumpy,' 'mulling,' and just plain 'concentrating' like that makes me think something is WRONG. Because when I am mulling like that, I'm usually perplexed, confused, pissed, or worrying - or working super-hard. Ironically, I have the same expression sometimes, but I don't see myself; whereas, I DO SEE him. Besides, I usually brainstorm out loud, unless I am sifting through stuff in my head, which I usually do alone. So I MISINTERPRET the expression because I don't UNDERSTAND how he can be all happy-go-lucky joking one minute, and look, well, like THAT another minute. E.g. that's why the typical, "Are you okay? Is something wrong?" comes out, which I guess totally baffles Mr. INTP who's probably thinking, "Uh, wtf? I'm sitting here? Doing my work? Where the eff did that come from?" Besides, I don't usually distract him WHILE he is working, but if he starts going into the blank stare at the table while eating, I start thinking, "Oh, good Lord, what now?" (Again, ironically, I do the same thing, and get just as defensive when he asks me the same thing - how odd.) And I can analyze all this in a calm moment, but at the TIME, I think, :WTF:?
Then when I say that, my husband gets all defensive, "OMG YOU ARE TEN TIMES WORSE when you're concentrating. I think you're about ready to kill someone. And when I come in when you're working and distract you, you look like you wanna kill ME. So what's your problem? I'm just sitting there, concentrating on my work, and you get all pissed that I am not paying attention to you."
And I think, Jesus H. Christ, what is YOUR problem? I don't want your attention, but I wanna fucking eat breakfast before it's goddamn lunchtime, and if I eat without you, you get pissed because I am not being 'social' and doing shit with you. Ugh. So fuck off. Jesus. So I get all grumpy, hop on my Wii and start 'punching shit' to get out my negative energy because I am about ready to punch this guy's head with a tree trunk, and it's like holy cow on a crypt.
Don't get me wrong. I love him more than anything, and we have a wonderful time like 98% of the time, but that other 2% it's like fucking WWIII, dude, and it ain't pretty.
So trust me. If we baffle you with our Ne going all Holy Jesus, and our Fi making us independent little fart shits, then you confuse the Jeez Louise outta us with the Ti going on, and the fast shifts in and out of Ne...Followed by occasional holy-crap-his-Fe-is-gonna-get-me moments.
The Sticky Point
I'd say the major challenge for us comes with the making decisions and sharing point. See, when I want to make a decision, I brainstorm. Out loud. Looking at options. Pros v. Cons. What do you think? Do you have any ideas? Oh, we could do this, or I could do that, and by the way, that might also be good.
Two weeks later: A completely different concept. And a completely baffled husband.
Let's look at the other perspective:
Husband wants to do something. Husband mulls over the dinner table and in front of his computer with a blank, staring, hard expression. Husband mulls this, that, the other thing over in his mind.
Husband comes to me. I would like to do this. For that and that and that reason. What do you think?
He's already made up his mind. SO WHY THE EFF DID HE ASK ME?????? I'm sure if I say yes, he'll be like, "Cool shit." and if I say no, he'll say, "Well, actually I already did it," or "Well, I'm going to do it."
Well then WHY GET MY INPUT? Dumb ass.
See...I've learned over time how our minds work, so I am getting better at it now, and so is he. But at first, we used to drive each other crazy because I thought he was a hard-ass, stubborn, doing his own shit kinda guy. And he thought I was a stupid flake who didn't know what I wanted and changed my mind every two seconds.
TL;DR Version:
So it's all about appreciating one another over time and getting to know each other. But doing a fake flirt doesn't help.