Hmmm. What is divine suggestion? I'm unfamiliar with the term and there seems to be no internet reference for it. Help me out.
This might make me sound tacky and new-agey, but I believe the elements that are beyond our control have a force of its own, their own voice. And they speak to us in various ways, also very subtlely (and I know how much you hate subtlety
), so you just have to pay extra special attention to what's going on. Even the conversation I'm having with you right now, I believe, is the universe trying to guide me through something that's been on my mind (which I'll explain later in my next response). I think it's something my fellow INFPs can understand, seeing the world in this way.
Yeah. Stating the obvious here. But the problem is when the girl of interest doesn't pick up on your subtlties and fools herself into believing its her imagination. Also, is slow and subtle always the right approach for an INFP to take? Could you live with yourself if you were slow and subtle only to lose the girl because she became bored or lost her interest out of frustration? Even though you thought she was the one, would you live without regrets because part was meant to be as part of the "slow and subtle" approach? Would she turn out to be not be the one (or ideal) because she lost interest or misunderstood you? Do you ever question where you adopt "slow and subtle" because it's safer rather than because of its effectiveness?
Well, believe it or not, my slow and subtle approach came out of finding a balance point, as usually, I'd be TOO direct with people. I grew up with an INFJ mother in a household that was quite conflict ridden and everyone would just twitch in anticipation just to call someone else out on something. So I guess you can say, I picked up on it a little bit? As careful as I'd like to be, I value courage in myself even more and I can honestly say in my life that there has never been an opportunity, romantically that is, where I was too timid or shy to have ruined the chance to be with someone. It's something I really like about myself - I definitely don't let fear become a factor.
I guess I emphasize slow and subtle in approaching someone because it's the latest way I've approached someone I fell pretty hard for. It was an online thing, so there's lots of room for miscommunication there. Unfortunately, it didn't work out, (it seems she wasn't interested in me) but there was no way (she was an INFP as well) that she didn't know I liked her and was interested in being closer to her. Or at least, I'd be very very very surprised if she didn't.
So this is to say,
I adjust my approach to the person, just as you're adjusting your approach to your INFP, and being as thoughtful as talking to other INFPs in an MBTI forum before you make your move is definitely the right way to go. With the ISFJs I've loved in the past, I was very clear, literal, and direct (yet mindful of their feelings) because that's the way THEY communicate. So yeah, just single-mindedly taking one approach to everything I think just doesn't work - adapt, adapt, adapt. I may have been unintentionally misleading in my previous posts about this.
Okay. Maybe I am getting a little aggressive here - but I disagree. There's always a test. Not necessarily in a manipulative or calculated way. But I think people have wants (desires) and needs that are evident to themselves (sometimes unconsciously)and they look to others to fullfill some of these needs and desires. It may be argued that this is purely selfish. Love is suppose to be about giving of oneself freely without expectations of return. But I don't really think that happens much. When seeking a partner or lover, people generally look to find someone who fits their ideal. This is a test. If it wasn't a test no one would ever flunk. I agree about chemistry. Although it's hard to define, I think it means something for me too. In most any serious relationship, of course, there's a leap of faith because you can never really know a person, know you can truly trust them not to hurt you (you might think so, but not know). So you trust your instincts. So. I pretty much agree except for the "testing" part. I would even argue that INFPs test more than others because they're more idealistic and picky. Of course, I can't speak for you. I'm just responding to you as I think an INFP would behave. But I know it's not really fair to you. Please forgive me and don't take my comments too seriously since I'm talking on the fly and don't know what I'm talking about.
Fair enough. For me, I used to do this kind of testing you're talking about. Dreaming about the ideal girl, and doing a overlay of this ideal girl on a real girl and seeing how well the two pieces fit. But somewhere along the way, I realized something that was and is pretty much at the center of who I am:
So what if I get lucky and I meet that PERFECT woman? What makes me think that this PERFECT woman is going to be interested in me? That's when I realized something big:
if I want to be with the PERFECT woman, then I have to be the PERFECT man. Much of my life since then has been about constructing this idea of what the perfect man would be like and then becoming that man. Have I achieved this goal? It's tough to say. It's an exhausting and painful endeavor and somewhere along the way, I literally tapped out. I don't believe I've failed, but I'm not fully comfortably saying that I succeeded. Oh, and this is not to say I wanted to be the perfect man for everyone. Definitely not the case and I'm not even sure I'd want that. This is to be the perfect man for MY perfect woman.
So to answer your question more directly, I'm at a place where I'm just way too tired to do any "testing." Tough to believe, but it's true nonetheless. So I just let things happen as they may happen and I react accordingly, for lack of a better expression.
Also, there's absolutely no need to apologize. You ask great questions that force me to re-evaluate myself and the things I'm saying. That's something I always appreciate.
Is slow and subtle always the right approach? Could you live with yourself if you were slow and subtle only to lose the girl because she became bored or lost her interest. Even though you thought she was the one. Or would she not be the one because she lost interest?
I've started to wonder whether the girl I fell for online is pondering these same questions. No matter how hard I think about it, and how hard I search for any hints in our history that she may have even been remotely interested in me, or re-construct different possibilities and scenarios in my head, the answer, in the end, is pretty clear. She's not interested. It may be because she's had such terrible relationship experiences that she's deathly afraid of new ones. Or she's not interested in me directly. Or she took the slow and subtle approach at a DEAD SLOW pace, though the last one seems very unlikely to me. Either way, she had to know I liked her - it was pretty obvious, just take my word for it on that one. I was hoping if she was afraid, she'd feel more at ease if she knew my feelings for her. You might suggest I find out for sure, but it's too late now. She's gone and I also have no idea who she is, what she looks like, where she lives, contact info, etc.
I had been wrestling with the possibility that maybe she did like me and I had pretty much cut her off. This thought horrifies me as that means I hurt her, but even as I write this, I know I made the right decision. I think my conversations with you has helped me realize this as well. For whatever reason, she just wasn't interested and the choice I made was the best decision to make.
I need to learn to float down river. I'm trying. But I keep flailing my arms or sinking.
Maybe the guy you're interested in can help you in this department.
