[INFJ] INFJ and distance in relationships

[laudanum225]

wondering how you guys perceive yourselves (if being INFJ) or how you perceive your significant other (him or her being INFJ) in relationship?
cold, mysterious, distant and aloof?

thoughts? opinions?

hmmmmm....

 

[Tycho]

Some of my negative traits:
- I can analyse our bond way too much
- I constantly have crushes on other girls :blushing:
- I need a lot of time for myself; and I prefer to spend that fully alone
- I am much more assertive than my INFP type 9 girlfriend..
- I'm not outgoing/ adventurous

But on the good side:
- I understand her feelings quite well
- I'm very, very passionate about her..
- I know how to make her feel "special"
- I'm always honest
- She likes that I'm a bit complex
- We're both good at solving conflicts

 

[Chunes]

I've been in a long-distance thing with my INFJ girlfriend. (I'm male INFP type 9.)

I wanted to touch on some of Tycho's points first..

Some of my negative traits:
- I can analyse our bond way too much

Not negative. This is one of my favorite things to do with her.

- I constantly have crushes on other girls :blushing:

I have noticed that she has a lot of love to give others, including many fellows. Not exactly crushes but more like.. she has too much love to keep bottled up inside and use it only on me, though this doesn't diminish her love for me in any way. We have absolute trust in one another not to pass any specific boundaries. It takes a little bit different perspective perhaps for an INFP who has far fewer intimate connections in their life, but no biggie.

- I need a lot of time for myself; and I prefer to spend that fully alone

She doesn't seem this way, but I know sooner or later she's going to need this time. Once again, this is similar to me, so it works out well. This seems somewhat mitigated by being long-distance as well (even though we'll often spend hours and hours every day together).

- I am much more assertive than my INFP type 9 girlfriend..

Are you crazy? This is my favorite thing about my INFJ! I help her be a little more mellow and she helps me be a bit more assertive. We complement each other very well in this regard.

- I'm not outgoing/ adventurous

No worries; neither are we. But you are delightfully spontaneous, which is wonderful.

But on the good side:
- I understand her feelings quite well
- I'm very, very passionate about her..
- I know how to make her feel "special"
- I'm always honest
- She likes that I'm a bit complex
- We're both good at solving conflicts

Yesss. She is the most honest person I've ever met, and has in fact caused me to become a more honest and committed person. And we are extremely good about ironing out the little bumps that form between us, by bringing up things that we are uncomfortable with and talking about them. As an INFP type 9 this is extremely difficult for me, but you can't argue with results.

----

The main thing I've noticed with her is we are able to keep the flames of passion going just as intensely as the day we met, long-distance. There's just this unshakable bond that cares not about distance. I also admire her creativity regarding things we can do online to interact in fresh new ways.

Cold, mysterious, distant, and aloof are all OPPOSITES of what I would consider her to be. She's warm, revealing, close, and involved.

 

[ReadingRainbows]

Me INFJ (lower introversion though)
- I analyze everything
- get kinda touchy about things
- spend extended periods of time on my computer
- am insanely private
- don't always say what bothers me
Him INTP (though I suspect he is an entp)
- Very very blunt but but not rude
- constantly joking
- Very good at picking up on personal ques
- Never seems annoyed by my jokes or what have you.
- Very Honest

We have so many little things in common that it is good, atleast for now

 

[21%]

If I'm dating you to the point of being your girlfriend, be prepared to be shown luuurve

I don't see myself as 'aloof' or 'distant' at all. I'm rather the opposite, because I seek a lot of emotional intimacy. I don't date casually, and once I'm committed, I'm really committed. I like taking care of people I love, and I like it that they let me take care of them. Actually, I have to try to hold back and not smother my INFP (but usually he doesn't mind being smothered that much anyway ) I have my own inner world, and while at certain times I like it that he describes it as 'mysterious', I still try to close that gap and try to have a total understanding between us.

However, before I get to that point, I'm very cautious. I analyze everything to death. I'm easily spooked so if something doesn't seem right I run. I might come off as aloof and distant with acquaintances, though, but definitely not with people I love.

 

[21%]

I've been in a long-distance thing with my INFJ girlfriend. (I'm male INFP type 9.)

Oooh, same situation here! I'm in a currently long-distance relationship with my INFP boyfriend (probably 9w1)!

The distance is depressing, but the relationship is just wonderful

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

This is what I have on facebook in the 'about me' section:

hmmmmm......let's see........unknown, alternative, spunky, contemplative, intuitive, sorta grungy, a funny Biatch, generous, loving, content, discontent, you know.

My friends usually tell me I'm laid back, yet I don't always feel laid back. They also say I'm the most stubborn person they know.

Edit: I think I could have a ldr but it would definitely have to be peppered with trimonthly conjugal visits.

 

[Wyst]

I'd say that both my exes would characterize me as being cold, aloof, and to a large degree, holding myself back from really letting them get to know me.

Both of those relationships were long distance. I never want to do long distance again.

 

[ReadingRainbows]

I'd say that both my exes would characterize me as being cold, aloof, and to a large degree, holding myself back from really letting them get to know me.

Both of those relationships were long distance. I never want to do long distance again.

Long distance sucks so bad. You spend more time dreaming about being with someone than acctually being with them.

 

[odetoio]

Distance sucks!

Perhaps negative:

Over analyze, sometimes wonder how much love and affection is real. Spend too much time thinking about her and the relationship when I should be focusing on the world and the day-to-day stuff. Really need to keep Romantic Love in check, not idealize her, and strive for Companionate Love.

Will not compromise my morals for anyone.

Can be to loving of other women, head to toe cashmere what can I say, but never past admiration.

When it's time to recharge good luck reaching me and may also be perceived as unstable when undergoing an internal shift.

Should stop talking about thirty seconds before I do, just shut up and kiss me fool... WHAT! Duhho -Mostly in the getting to know you stage however.

When it's time to step up the intimacy can be too much because I just want to love you to bits. This is sometimes perceived as codependency which it is from the point of view of love and affection, however my battles are mine and yours are ours.

Can have great difficulty opening up all the different parts of being.

Second guess what I'm feeling right before the transition from friend to romance.

"I can't take this feeling in my heart anymore, time for me step and make my way through the door. If by chance I see you on this road once again, I can guarantee you that I will not pretend."
-k-os


Positive:

Loyal, loving and honest beyond most expectations.

Excellent listener, which can be negative because I pursue all the details to understand the situation. Definitely not good if you're dating a Scorpio, this would be an excellent time to exercise wisdom and self-control!

Always willing to pitch in.

So long as trust hasn't been absolutely violated, will never stay angry for long.

Love doing unexpected loving things just to show it.

Conscience of my feelings and needs also hopefully understanding and accommodating of hers, I think so. Enjoy being her pillar and do get annoyed if she is still phoning her father before coming to me. (Once the relationship has turned serious.)

"If all the love history knows is found in every rose, then what I feel for you could not be found in any two."
-umm don't remember who wrote it.

 

[Wyst]

Long distance sucks so bad. You spend more time dreaming about being with someone than acctually being with them.

Dreaming about the person + not spending time with them = unrealistic expectations

Not good.

 

[cafe]

Not cold, mysterious, distant, or aloof with my SO. I can be touchy, moody, and a little demanding, though.

 

[cascadeco]

It's been years since I've progressed beyond the dating stage and been in an actual relationship, but in past relationships I don't think I'd consider myself (and don't think others would consider me) cold or aloof. Distant? Perhaps it might be perceived that way, but really that depends on the level of trust built. Basically, I don't just spontaneously talk about myself, with anyone, really.... others typically need to dig for the information, ask questions, and demonstrate a desire to get to know me...so in that sense, Time plays a role. Time to just get to see the various sides of me, and time for me to feel more comfortable with the relationship, trust in it, and be willing/open to take the risk to be more open. But I'm not intentionally mysterious or distant....and have never been called either of those terms.

If anything, when I'm really into someone, I'm pretty opposite - I'm warm, pretty affectionate, communicative, more upfront about stating my needs, my feelings, talking through things, etc. If I'm mostly tactful, and not terribly responsive, it usually means I either don't trust the person enough, I don't want the relationship to go that deep, or am not ready for it/unsure of how I feel.

 

[Fidelia]

I don't agree with any of the descriptors used in the OP. I would characterize myself as very warm, affectionate and open in a relationship. I prefer to get things talked out if there is something wrong and I find it hard to hide how I feel, even when I would like to. In a long distance situation I like to keep in contact through fat letters with little suprises enclosed, email or phone calls. People will not find out everything about me all at once, but if they show they are truly interested and will not make fun of what I tell them, I usually open up very well.

 

[Lauren]

I don't agree with any of the descriptors used in the OP. I would characterize myself as very warm, affectionate and open in a relationship. I prefer to get things talked out if there is something wrong and I find it hard to hide how I feel, even when I would like to. In a long distance situation I like to keep in contact through fat letters with little suprises enclosed, email or phone calls. People will not find out everything about me all at once, but if they show they are truly interested and will not make fun of what I tell them, I usually open up very well.

This is me. I open up easily, once someone shows an interest. Like you, I won't talk all about myself all at once. It makes me uncomfortable to be too self-focused. Most of the time I'd rather hear about someone else's life or how they are feeling/doing. I'm not distant or too protective of myself. I'm private, though, and extremely loyal when I care for someone. Extremely. If there's a rift at all in a friendship, I immediately go to repair, and am always optimistic that the friendship/love will prevail. I also find it hard to hide how I feel---even when I can't voice it, I'm sure the other person knows that something is up. The heart is on the sleeve.

 

[odetoio]

It's been years since I've progressed beyond the dating stage and been in an actual relationship, but in past relationships I don't think I'd consider myself (and don't think others would consider me) cold or aloof.

Yup same, actually I haven’t been out dating in a few years either. I dated for a few years after getting divorced but then a bunch of life happened and now people find me too ‘intense’. Me? Nooo? What am I supposed to do change to meet a woman, I don’t think so I like who I am and that would be a lie. “Don’t ever ask me to lie for all the reasons I’d rather die.” I just feel like I’m suppose to be doing something else with my life maybe a delusion but I do feel like I’m missing the point at times.

People will not find out everything about me all at once, but if they show they are truly interested and will not make fun of what I tell them, I usually open up very well.

This is worded much better than how I initially eluded to it.

 

[revolve]

Yup same, actually I haven’t been out dating in a few years either. I dated for a few years after getting divorced but then a bunch of life happened and now people find me too ‘intense’. Me? Nooo? What am I supposed to do change to meet a woman, I don’t think so I like who I am and that would be a lie. “Don’t ever ask me to lie for all the reasons I’d rather die.” I just feel like I’m suppose to be doing something else with my life maybe a delusion but I do feel like I’m missing the point at times.



This is worded much better than how I initially eluded to it.

odetoio, you just weren't dating the right women after your divorce. an enfp would love your intensity - go find one. . . actually they are probably stalking you as we speak.

 

[jtanSis1]

wondering if i should be more fun, or more caring, but definately not more intense. until then I will stay more whimsical. I guess that makes me somewhat distant then.

 

[CuriousFeeling]

Depends on who I'm with. Sometimes I'll get distant if I feel unsafe with the other person, or if they give off a vibe that I can't trust them. Otherwise, I'm really warm, sensitive, and encouraging. I become an advocate for my SO. I can be demanding though since I see so much growth potential in the other person, I urge them to realize their dreams (assuming it will yield the greatest good for the greatest number). I only get distant when something's really eating at me.