Need help with typing my bf (again......)....

[Halfjillhalfjack]

I'm sorry, I have opened other threads concerning this topic (describing him etc.), and it must get really annoying.
I'm just desperate about finding his type....I thought I (we) had figured it out ..

I thought he was an INTP, and he felt comfortable with that. He knows something about type and temperament theory, but not as in depth as me, and this is why we can't really discuss/figure out his type together......but:

- Yesterday he said he could almost equally relate to the bestfitprofiles of INTP, ENTP and ISFP, but doesn't think "Yeah, this one is me".....

- I definitely think he is not directing but informing, and I'd say also responding, though I am not sure about that (that would leave ISFP, INFP, ISFJ and INTP, but, as I said, not sure about responding or initiating, could also be a shy extravert, he's not very clear concerning that, I think he gains energy when being with others, esp. groups, but he ALWAYS thinks before he speaks, often for a loooong time)

- Concerning the functions he says he mostly relates to Ti, he seems pretty sure that he uses Ti rather strongly (although I don't see it all of the time). And that he somehow relates to Ne, but he is not someone coming up with crazy ideas all day.....there ARE crazy ideas, but that would not exclude Ne in third or fourth place for me, or maybe even Ni...... HE says he cannot relate to Se at all..... but I don't know if he has understood it really or if he just feels that Se is sometimes negatively described......

- I am definitely sure he is NOT a J, neither NJ nor SJ. this has nothing to do with stereotype..... it's not that he is just messy or something..... he just doesn't like to plan in advance. I really see the P in his trying to get as much information as possible before buying something, e.g. At least I'm pretty sure about him not being an SJ. Extremely un-judgemental, never used the world "should" in his life

- I think testing is ineffective at this stage. He has tested as ISFP, INTP, INFP and ENTP before, but I think he (at least subconsciously) knows how his answers will affect the results...... this one career-temperament test (I think by berens) gave him NF as first and NT as second temperament, and the Keirsey temperament test (only temperament, not type) gave him NT as first temperament, the others far behind.


Maybe he is just extremely balanced ....but I'd really like to know what his type his. and he feels uncomfortable not being one or the other, even though I don't know how interested he is in the whole theory..... I talk to him for hours about is, but he doesn't research about it himself, so I don't want to push him...

I'd really appreciate any help.....

 

[21%]

Well... my dad (INTP) doesn't really like the whole MBTI thing (and everything else related to personality types), so he sorts of subconsciously refuses to identify with anything. He doesn't like the idea that people can be put to types, because he views it as limiting. So maybe that's the case with your bf too. But actually a lot of Fi people really have a hard time identifying with a type, because of the 'originality' issue.

I tried looking in threads you've started, but I couldn't find a specific one describing your bf. Perhaps you could post a link to it?

 

[Halfjillhalfjack]

Here are the links to the former threads:

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/what-s-my-type/21998-could-you-help-typing-friend-mine.html

http://www.typologycentral.com/foru...rate-about-finding-my-boyfriend-s-type-3.html

and one when I was considering ENFP, but I now think that's unlikely....

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/what-s-my-type/24678-enfp-boyfriend-not.html

 

[Halfjillhalfjack]

I need help ....

 

[21%]

I don't think you should go into the functions, because it seems he isn't that interested and doesn't have a clear understanding of the functions anyway.

From the posts, I think he sounds pretty much like an INTP. Is there a reason why you don't think he is an INTP?

Ok, here are some more specific questions that might help:

1) Who usually initiates the dates? Do you usually go out or stay in? Does he stick to known things (going to the same places, etc.) or does he actively seeks out new things for you to do together?

2) How do you fight and resolve conflicts? How does he behave when he is angry with you? Does he initiate the make-up talk or do you have to initiate? Does he some times accuse you of being 'emotional' or 'irrational' when you are arguing?

3) What is his career interest? What is he studying or wants to study? What kind of job/life does he want for his future?

And, lastly, is there any specific reason why you want to find what type he is so badly? Is there a communication problem? Do you feel like you don't understand him?

Any little bit of info might be a clue

 

[Halfjillhalfjack]

I don't think you should go into the functions, because it seems he isn't that interested and doesn't have a clear understanding of the functions anyway.

From the posts, I think he sounds pretty much like an INTP. Is there a reason why you don't think he is an INTP?

Ok, here are some more specific questions that might help:


Any little bit of info might be a clue

Mh, I only know one NT (an INTJ) IRL, and I hardly know SPs and NTs, and somehow, I find it hard to differentiate between the two..... The reason why I thought he maybe was SP rather than INTP was that he is not coming up with crazy ideas all the time.....I don't really know..... and I'd say he is more pragmatic in decision making, but it's really hard for me to differentiate between the NT and SP way of problem solving, since they're both utalitarian in tool use....I know that the difference is in the abstract vs. concrete language use, at least considering Keirsey. I'd also say that I more often initate conversations about "abstract" topics, but....then.... there are things he wants to talk about that I'm not interested in (he's into politics, and all his computer stuff I don't understand at all), so..... maybe he would want to talk about that (and he does with friends) but I am not too open....
somehow I thought that his studying computer science and being into programming could really be an example of the NT efficiency....at least that's what he argues, he says programming is not about finding a way but the most efficient way of doing something......but that could also be the attitude of an SP, I don't know....sorry, I digress ....

concerning the questions:

1) Mh..... I guess it's mostly me initiating the dates.... He's comfortable with staying in, watching Dvd or talking....but we also go out, but I guess it's mostly me wanting to go out....we don't go to clubs or anything, he's not into that, but have a drink somewhere, cinema etc. Mh....I think he does both: He likes to go to the same sneak preview every weak, but he also likes to try new restaurants, and concerning traveling he'd rather go somewhere new everytime.

2) Uh, fighting is a big problem .... He rarely gets angry at me .... I mean, really...actually, he never shows his anger. I think he mostly seems really unemotional.....really extremely calm. He usually gets really quiet when I accuse him of something....he tries to argue against it, but....hard to describe....at some point he gets silent ....I think he'd like to escape the situation......flee from it, if he could ....If I pressure him to say something concerning the conflict, he just remains silent. I have to initiate the make-up talk.... He says he rather wants to argue in an unemotional way, he hates it when he feels I accuse him of something, and he hates it when my accusal is "irrational". Especially when I say something like "but that's my feeling". I guess that's not really valid for him .... I could talk to him about every problem, even concerning him, if I did it in a calm, non-accusing way. I think he'd deal with it then......but if he feel my tone of voice is slightly accusing, he starts defending himself until he falls silent.
Ah, and he NEVER ever got loud during any conflict ....he rarely shows negative emotions, as well as positve emotions.....

3)
He studies computer science. He seems lazy sometimes to me....but well... he argues that he has ADD. Don't know. He says he wants to do more than just programming afterwards, do something he likes and which gives him the possiblity to create something. He says he would like to create the "architecture" of programms, but isn't really keen on always implementing the stuff himself..... At the moment he is trying to get self-employed with a friend of his, they apply for business competitions (for start-ups) and they want to create some software for mobile phones concerning some transportation advice.....

And lastly ... yes, there are some communication problems. I'd really like to know how to figure this out, how to solve that, how to improve our communication, and I thought that finding out his type could help ... because I don't want to push him into some direction he doesn't like.... He is very withdrawn, and I often feel like I don't know him....... He doesn't talk about his inner motives, wishes, dreams, feelings........ he mostly talks about thoughts, but I often miss the connection to his feelings, the personal note in his thoughts....hard to describe .........hard to nail down the communiation problem .....

 

[Halfjillhalfjack]

One thing I forgot - yes, he often accuses me of being "illogical" .... and of not being able to argue my grounds .... I often argue that I have a certain opinion because I like it, and this isn't valid for him *lol*.....I think this severly annoys him...

 

[BlackCat]

He definitely seems like an NTP.

Here's a question- which of these would he react worse to?

Being forced to do something. Being forced to order people around. Along with these, a person like this would have a hard time being motivated to do anything; even when they knew that they needed to do it.

Or...

Is he worse at telling people's inner feelings? With this sort of person, the way that they talk and go about their social interactions just seems like they have no boundaries. They are oblivious to other's inner feelings, and this often frustrates them. They may also react badly to morally judgmental people.

 

[Halfjillhalfjack]

He definitely seems like an NTP.

Here's a question- which of these would he react worse to?

Being forced to do something. Being forced to order people around. Along with these, a person like this would have a hard time being motivated to do anything; even when they knew that they needed to do it.

Or...

Is he worse at telling people's inner feelings? With this sort of person, the way that they talk and go about their social interactions just seems like they have no boundaries. They are oblivious to other's inner feelings, and this often frustrates them. They may also react badly to morally judgmental people.

I know this isn't helping, but I'd definitely have to say BOTH ..... maybe a bit more the first one?
really hard to tell, though....really....

 

[21%]

He definitely seems like an NTP.

Yes, I agree. I'm also leaning more towards INTP



Ok, let's assume he's an INTP for now (and see if something that doesn't quite fit comes up later). Why do you feel there is a communication problem? Do you feel that he seems somehow 'detached' in the relationship? Or he doesn't talk about his feelings so you feel uncertain how he really feels about you? Do you want more emotional intimacy but feel that he isn't opening up to you?

One thing to note is that if you're in a relationship with an NT, you would probably never get 'total vulnerability' from him -- that sense of extreme closeness that you are looking for. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, because he does in his own way. It just won't be too fluffy-feely

 

[Halfjillhalfjack]

Yes, I agree. I'm also leaning more towards INTP



Ok, let's assume he's an INTP for now (and see if something that doesn't quite fit comes up later). Why do you feel there is a communication problem? Do you feel that he seems somehow 'detached' in the relationship? Or he doesn't talk about his feelings so you feel uncertain how he really feels about you? Do you want more emotional intimacy but feel that he isn't opening up to you?

One thing to note is that if you're in a relationship with an NT, you would probably never get 'total vulnerability' from him -- that sense of extreme closeness that you are looking for. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, because he does in his own way. It just won't be too fluffy-feely

Mh, it's not really that he is "detached", I mean, he even gives me hugs and kisses, and his really more fluffy-feely than I have ever seen him with someone else (rarely touches or hugs other people, there he is rather distant)....but....he doesn't talk about his feelings at all . I don't know, I think that's the biggest problem for me, that he never seem to open up really....it's hard to describe. He says he has never opened up to anyone at all, and it's very very difficult for me to help him opening up.
Maybe it's this sense of extreme closeness that I am looking for which is just not possible in our relationship. Even when I talk to him about my emotions, he says he understands them intellectually, but I "feel" that he never understands how I "feel", and that is really hard for me. Some emotional connection lacking...... He really tries to provide ideas for problem solving....but....that's not really how I am "comforted" in my usual relationships (with friends). I know, I'm expecting much ....
I have the feeling that we connect well on an intellectual level, but that something is missing on the emotional level..... took me some time to figure out what was missing........

 

[Halfjillhalfjack]

One thing to note is that if you're in a relationship with an NT, you would probably never get 'total vulnerability' from him -- that sense of extreme closeness that you are looking for. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, because he does in his own way. It just won't be too fluffy-feely

only if this is not too personal or indiscreet, do you have similar experiences with NTs?

And thanx A LOT for your help!

 

[JocktheMotie]

Hello. A lot of your descriptions of his behavior resonate with me, so it's very possible he could be an INTP.

I'm more of the touchy-feely type when it comes to expression of feelings, I'm just not verbal at all. That doesn't mean they aren't there. If anything, you could try to give him a "love languages" test [ Love Languages Test ] and these things can usually help you arrive at his preferred method of expression. For me, it's physical touch and quality time. Words of affirmation and gift giving is pretty low.

Don't think it's an absolute kind of thing though, more like a guide. I think all healthy relationships incorporate a mixture of everything.

If you're looking for him to really understand you or open up to you on an emotional level...that might take a lot of time. For younger INTPs, feelings generally aren't considered important to his life in terms of making decisions on them...so if you ask him his feelings on something, he can't really see the point of the question, nor can he really express them eloquently because he really doesn't spend much time thinking about them, so it's just going to make him awkward and most likely evasive.

Try to understand how he likes to express how much you mean to him [the love languages thing], so when you notice it you can encourage or show appreciation. Likewise, try to get HIM to understand how YOU like to be loved, and maybe steer him into expressing himself a little more in that direction.

 

[Halfjillhalfjack]

Hello. A lot of your descriptions of his behavior resonate with me, so it's very possible he could be an INTP.

I'm more of the touchy-feely type when it comes to expression of feelings, I'm just not verbal at all. That doesn't mean they aren't there. If anything, you could try to give him a "love languages" test [ Love Languages Test ] and these things can usually help you arrive at his preferred method of expression. For me, it's physical touch and quality time. Words of affirmation and gift giving is pretty low.

Don't think it's an absolute kind of thing though, more like a guide. I think all healthy relationships incorporate a mixture of everything.

If you're looking for him to really understand you or open up to you on an emotional level...that might take a lot of time. For younger INTPs, feelings generally aren't considered important to his life in terms of making decisions on them...so if you ask him his feelings on something, he can't really see the point of the question, nor can he really express them eloquently because he really doesn't spend much time thinking about them, so it's just going to make him awkward and most likely evasive.

Try to understand how he likes to express how much you mean to him [the love languages thing], so when you notice it you can encourage or show appreciation. Likewise, try to get HIM to understand how YOU like to be loved, and maybe steer him into expressing himself a little more in that direction.

Thank you a lot! I really appreciate this advice from (another) INTP! I'll ask him to to the love-languages-test, that's a really good idea (if only hinting into a certain direction)! Maybe I can do this test as well and this can be some kind of "starting point" in understanding how the other person is most comfortable in expressing their feelings.....
Yes, it really rings true what you say about that he maybe doesn't spend much time thinking about his feelings and thus not being able in expressing them (and even not even seeing the need to do so).....and the evasive reaction.
Thanks for sharing your insight.....

 

[BlackCat]

I know this isn't helping, but I'd definitely have to say BOTH ..... maybe a bit more the first one?
really hard to tell, though....really....

DEFINITELY an NTP then, and I'd say INTP.

 

[21%]

only if this is not too personal or indiscreet, do you have similar experiences with NTs?

And thanx A LOT for your help!

Not romantically -- just friends and family. They seem to have this 'barrier of thought' that prevents them from completely baring themselves to other people, unlike NFs. I guess all Ts are like this anyway. However, I can imagine that they would be a bit more open in a romantic relationship, but it would take a lot of time.

I think the best way to improve communications is to tell him how you feel -- you could use the MBTI as something solid that you can base the discussion on. Tell him, directly, that you know he cares about you but you feel like you don't know anything about his inner world and that you'd like him to share how he feels about things, his worries, his dreams, with you. You can even blame it on your NF-ness and say that it makes you feel a deeper connection when he talks about his feelings. Ask him if you being emotional somehow upsets him. Try to find mutual understanding. Keep in mind, though, that while NFs might feel a lot of emotions going on under the surface and reveal them to people who they trust and are close to them, the inner world of an NT is far more 'logical', so he might already be sharing his inner world with you. It just looks different from yours.

The love languages test seems to be a good idea! Sometimes you've gotta be direct with Ts. They appreciate logic and reason, and I think they secretly love to be able to figure out how their SOs 'operate'. It's a good thing that you are going to talk about it (make it a semi-serious session, when you're together in a relaxing atmosphere, for example -- not when you're in the car driving somewhere). And one thing when talking to NTs is: do not be emotional. The moment you do so, they reject whatever comes out of your mouth as 'unreliable data' (emotionally-charged) and won't listen until you've calmed down

 

[Halfjillhalfjack]

DEFINITELY an NTP then, and I'd say INTP.

Okay, thank you for your help.

I am curios, what does the difference between these two signify?

He definitely seems like an NTP.


Being forced to do something. Being forced to order people around. Along with these, a person like this would have a hard time being motivated to do anything; even when they knew that they needed to do it.

Or...

Is he worse at telling people's inner feelings? With this sort of person, the way that they talk and go about their social interactions just seems like they have no boundaries. They are oblivious to other's inner feelings, and this often frustrates them. They may also react badly to morally judgmental people.

 

[Halfjillhalfjack]

Not romantically -- just friends and family. They seem to have this 'barrier of thought' that prevents them from completely baring themselves to other people, unlike NFs. I guess all Ts are like this anyway. However, I can imagine that they would be a bit more open in a romantic relationship, but it would take a lot of time.

Yes, that's really it with this 'barrier of thought'..... I guess I mostly have Fs as friends.... I am completely bewildered by how effective this 'barrier" can be maintained.....maybe that's hard for me to understand as an NF. This may also be due to the fact that exchange of one's inner life is maybe even the most important aspect for me (as NF) in any relationship.....

I think the best way to improve communications is to tell him how you feel -- you could use the MBTI as something solid that you can base the discussion on. Tell him, directly, that you know he cares about you but you feel like you don't know anything about his inner world and that you'd like him to share how he feels about things, his worries, his dreams, with you. You can even blame it on your NF-ness and say that it makes you feel a deeper connection when he talks about his feelings. Ask him if you being emotional somehow upsets him. Try to find mutual understanding. Keep in mind, though, that while NFs might feel a lot of emotions going on under the surface and reveal them to people who they trust and are close to them, the inner world of an NT is far more 'logical', so he might already be sharing his inner world with you. It just looks different from yours.

I will tell him about how I fell. I have also done so already, but I'll elaborate, I guess. I guess it helps to do that in a calm and direct way (I usually rather accuse him when I feel hurt, that's when those issues come up ). I also guess I'll have to accept that his inner world is different from mine, as you said, more logical (he also often argues that he DOES share a lot of this inner world). It's a bit hard to explain to him what I mean with this emotional connection...I guess he'll never grasp that on a "feeling" level. But I guess what counts is also the willingness to understand the other person. I'll also have to appreciate what HE wants, and that this might be different from what I want.

The love languages test seems to be a good idea! Sometimes you've gotta be direct with Ts. They appreciate logic and reason, and I think they secretly love to be able to figure out how their SOs 'operate'. It's a good thing that you are going to talk about it (make it a semi-serious session, when you're together in a relaxing atmosphere, for example -- not when you're in the car driving somewhere). And one thing when talking to NTs is: do not be emotional. The moment you do so, they reject whatever comes out of your mouth as 'unreliable data' (emotionally-charged) and won't listen until you've calmed down

I already let him do the test! He thought it was a pretty good idea. He came out mostly expressing his feelings trough touch and through quality time, and really not at all through gifts or service and also not so much through words of affection. With me it was firstly quality time and secondly gifts. So I guess this might point towards some different usage of love languages, and it might help discussing the communication issue.

The part of not being emotional when talking to NTs is maybe the hardest for me .... really hard, when that's what I value the most. But, I can learn as well..... and I've really noticed that he immediately shuts off when he thinks I'm emotional , e.g. making an excuse. Maybe waiting until I've calmed down is a really good advice. Sleep over it, and discuss it the next day with much more difference and detachment.

Thanks a lot for all this help! I really appreciate it!

 

[BlackCat]

Okay, thank you for your help.

I am curios, what does the difference between these two signify?

I was using socionics. In socionics, an INTP is typically an LII. An ENTP is typically ILE. An LII's main weakness is Se, which was what the first choice was pointing toward. The ILE's main weakness is Fi, which is what the second one was pointing toward.

 

[Halfjillhalfjack]

I was using socionics. In socionics, an INTP is typically an LII. An ENTP is typically ILE. An LII's main weakness is Se, which was what the first choice was pointing toward. The ILE's main weakness is Fi, which is what the second one was pointing toward.

Ah, okay, good to know! Sounds very interisting....! I don't know much about Socionics, but maybe I'll have a look at that..... thanks anyway!