I am starting to realize this is more of an E vs. I conflict than ENFP vs. ISTJ, I think...
I think you're mostly right. I don't think his T or J are helping, though. A little Fe would go a long way in these situations, and the adaptivity and spontaneity of a P couldn't hurt. I think once he starts to have a bad time, he has trouble breaking away from that.
He loves the fact that he's not like everyone else. He's definitely lives the idea of "Be in the world, but not of it". He likes knowing that he isn't drinking his life away, slutting himself out, or doing drugs. He likes being different. And I think when he is surrounded with people doing this things, he wants to even more stick out like a sore thumb and just cause friction. Like.. "Hey. You're dumb for doing this. And I am a better person because I don't". He doesn't voice this, but I think deep down, he just looks down on people who are different than him, but not intentionally... Ugh, i can't explain it. This probably makes no sense. He's a good guy, but sometimes he's so stuck in his ways that he can't understand that other people don't have the same values as him. (Fi issue??)
This is not just introversion (I suspect it's an IxTJ thing). Do you know what it is that makes him so unhappy when he goes out with you? Is he bored? Does he feel excluded or uncool? Does he feel like the cool people are judging him? Does just being exposed to these things he looks down on upset him? Does he ever use words like "depressing" to describe what he's seeing?
How is he afterwards? Does he brighten up the moment you leave, or is he sullen and moody the rest of the night? Is he angry? Withdrawn? Exhausted? Does he keep complaining even after you've left? What about the next day? Does he feel dirty or compromised?
He may have decided that drinking, or the club scene or whatever, is stupid and beneath him -- meaning it is also beneath
those fit to associate with him.
He doesn't 'hate' my friends, but I do see a lack of respect. Him and my friends have nothing in common.
He doesn't like those kinds of 'slutty girls, drunk people' because he doesn't do it. He has never been around it before until I brought him into 'this new world' I am not a slut, I do not get drunk. But my friends do. He just becomes angered when he sees people acting immature ... these are people I have been friends with, that he has only known for the years we've been dating.. so I guess it makes sense since he has nothing invested in these people.....
Yeah, he hates your friends. I mean, not 100% of the time, or literal hate like he wants to kill them. But if you decided you were never ever going to hang out with any of them again, it would probably make him really happy. He would never ask you to give up your friends, but if you decided to
on your own...
I don't know if ISTJs share this characteristic, but it's an INTJ thing: I have trouble masking my contempt for people I don't respect. The more I and less F he is, the more pronounced this is likely to be. Just hanging out with people I don't respect, even the
thought of hanging out with them, is enough to upset my mood.
If he has decided these behaviors (drinking, etc.) are "wrong" or immature or too mainstream or whatever, it's likely that even witnessing them upsets him. How can he have a good time when he's surrounded by these people?
We tried to go to a low key 'artsy' bar a couple months ago with 5 other friends, and he didn't have fun because there was a jazz band playing and it was "too loud for conversation". Here's a portion of our conversation:
"Are we suppose to talk in this bar?"
"...Yes, we are... it's a bar where you go with friends..so yeah"
"Well then why is the band so loud? It's impossible to hold a conversation. Why would people come here to talk?"
"...Because people love the music and it's suppose to set a mood to get people having fun and talking"
"Well, when we go to parties at houses the music isn't this loud..."
Heh, I do that, too. Really, how
are you supposed to talk?
Or was it not really that loud?
Agreed. I am learning that it is I vs. E. I love introverts in a relationship but not as a friendship (eugh, that sounds weird).
Yeah, it sounds weird, but I think it ultimately makes sense. Introverts are often very devoted partners who are really sweet about their alone time with the SO. In social situations where they are expected to act like friends, sometimes the introverted partner becomes an anchor. The same thing can apply in a relationship with
two introverts, when they're hanging out with
one person's friends or family.
oh gosh, why would he be trying to punish me??? I always thought ISTJs were just so kind and unemotional and manipulative....
It's not your fault! But it's possible that he's being passive-aggressive, making you so unhappy in these situations that you won't want to do them any more. If he feels socially inadequate, he may be trying to bring you down to his level.
If he is trying to punish you somehow -- and he might not be -- it's about his hangups, not anything you did wrong.
Am I being a jerk for not appreciating him trying to come out???
No!! You're not forcing him to do anything, and if he's trying to make a martyr thing where he's making this big sacrifice for you, it's stupid, because it doesn't please anyone. Obviously we've only gotten your side of the story, but it really doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong. Your BF has been kind of a dick.
Doesn't that seem like a punishment, like I am punishing him or something?
Is it punishment to make someone stop doing something that makes them miserable?
Tell him you're going out, you hope he has a good time while you're gone, and you'll tell him all about it when you get back. Kiss him goodbye, have a blast, and tell him you missed/thought about him while you were out. Come back sober! If he starts asking to come with you, of course you'll say yes. But he shouldn't be doing things he doesn't want to, and it doesn't sound like you should go out of your way to invite him. BTW, how do your friends feel about
him?
You could also try to arrange other activities, movie nights or small parties (under 10 people!) and stuff where he can hang out with you and your friends in a different environment.