coldbloodedunicorn
New member
- Joined
- May 21, 2016
- Messages
- 2
Hello INFP Consciousness,
I have come to solicit your advice. I have been friends for a very, very long time with an INFP, but due to a falling out we had a few years ago, the friendship had started to spiral downwards. It was fixed for a while, but it's beginning to go down hill again. I'm left wondering (for a second time in the past couple of years) whether or not this is a friendship that should continue. I would prefer it to.
After a major falling out we had a couple of years ago, the friendship became rocky. From my perspective, the friend flaked out at me in a time that was phenomenally destructive (to me and my needs/interests- not so much theirs). I understand that the INFP was struggling with strong feelings and unarticulated fears/doubts, etc., but for once, I just didn't want to hear about it. I wish I had been able to muster up the strength to listen when they were ready to talk about why things happened the way they did, but I couldn't. After a brief time of retreat, I said their actions damaged me and described how and why it damaged me very plainly without attacking the friend as a person. My very old friend repaired the physical damages as the best they could (which was as good as could be hoped for), but afterwards became increasingly passive aggressive while I stood back and watched. After several months of that, I called my friend on it and cited examples of passive aggression towards me and said that I didn't want to be friends with someone using that interaction style to manage conflict. It really seemed to surprise and hurt them, but despite denying it, I think they realized it was true. I accepted in advance however they wanted to deal with it- denial included, and up to the point of getting angrier and more passive aggressive or terminating the relationship. Sometimes, we aren't ready to hear certain things. I understand; I've been there. But despite the awkwardness of the situation, the passive aggression stopped after that for 6 months or longer, and the level of intimacy we'd lost started to grow back. I don't think either of us could've been happier to move past all of that. But this brought to light a side to this friend that I had not paid attention to before.
It's back. In the past two weeks or so, I think that I have accidentally hurt their feelings through several impulsive things I've said, which I believe the INFP did not want to respond to at the time, or in some cases, did not interpret the way I had intended. I do tend to be blunt and I do enjoy hearing what someone is really thinking in return, but to me, personal attacks are off-limits unless I am being attacked on a personal level and I lose my patience and therefore my sense of my own "higher" values. I don't think I should confront this person about it and ask what I've done to offend them. I think it would hurt them instead of help us figure out what to do better in the future. Do you agree? I suspect that they'll rationalize whatever I did that hurt them and brush it off and continue to be passive aggressive, and that we just won't get anywhere. I just want to accept the friend as they are, even if I can't be fully myself around them. What do you think about what's happening? What should I do?
To summarize, I think my personality and circumstances are leading to accidental injuries in this old friend that are returning to me in the form of passive aggression (all over again). Someone said to me once that passive aggression is simply in certain people. Do I have to just accept the extreme aversion to confrontation or leave? Can I do or change something to prevent the end of the friendship, which is usually quite pleasant for both of us? Calling the friend out on the behavior worked before, but this time, I think I might be doing something which is triggering the old problems afresh:
Any fresh perspectives or advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.
I have come to solicit your advice. I have been friends for a very, very long time with an INFP, but due to a falling out we had a few years ago, the friendship had started to spiral downwards. It was fixed for a while, but it's beginning to go down hill again. I'm left wondering (for a second time in the past couple of years) whether or not this is a friendship that should continue. I would prefer it to.
After a major falling out we had a couple of years ago, the friendship became rocky. From my perspective, the friend flaked out at me in a time that was phenomenally destructive (to me and my needs/interests- not so much theirs). I understand that the INFP was struggling with strong feelings and unarticulated fears/doubts, etc., but for once, I just didn't want to hear about it. I wish I had been able to muster up the strength to listen when they were ready to talk about why things happened the way they did, but I couldn't. After a brief time of retreat, I said their actions damaged me and described how and why it damaged me very plainly without attacking the friend as a person. My very old friend repaired the physical damages as the best they could (which was as good as could be hoped for), but afterwards became increasingly passive aggressive while I stood back and watched. After several months of that, I called my friend on it and cited examples of passive aggression towards me and said that I didn't want to be friends with someone using that interaction style to manage conflict. It really seemed to surprise and hurt them, but despite denying it, I think they realized it was true. I accepted in advance however they wanted to deal with it- denial included, and up to the point of getting angrier and more passive aggressive or terminating the relationship. Sometimes, we aren't ready to hear certain things. I understand; I've been there. But despite the awkwardness of the situation, the passive aggression stopped after that for 6 months or longer, and the level of intimacy we'd lost started to grow back. I don't think either of us could've been happier to move past all of that. But this brought to light a side to this friend that I had not paid attention to before.
It's back. In the past two weeks or so, I think that I have accidentally hurt their feelings through several impulsive things I've said, which I believe the INFP did not want to respond to at the time, or in some cases, did not interpret the way I had intended. I do tend to be blunt and I do enjoy hearing what someone is really thinking in return, but to me, personal attacks are off-limits unless I am being attacked on a personal level and I lose my patience and therefore my sense of my own "higher" values. I don't think I should confront this person about it and ask what I've done to offend them. I think it would hurt them instead of help us figure out what to do better in the future. Do you agree? I suspect that they'll rationalize whatever I did that hurt them and brush it off and continue to be passive aggressive, and that we just won't get anywhere. I just want to accept the friend as they are, even if I can't be fully myself around them. What do you think about what's happening? What should I do?
To summarize, I think my personality and circumstances are leading to accidental injuries in this old friend that are returning to me in the form of passive aggression (all over again). Someone said to me once that passive aggression is simply in certain people. Do I have to just accept the extreme aversion to confrontation or leave? Can I do or change something to prevent the end of the friendship, which is usually quite pleasant for both of us? Calling the friend out on the behavior worked before, but this time, I think I might be doing something which is triggering the old problems afresh:
- I am capable of passive aggression, but deliberately avoid it when I catch it in myself. Might I accidentally be behaving this way and the INFP is picking up on it? I don't know that passive aggression is entirely under someone's control all of the time, but instead bubbles up during diffuse thinking, and I'm really stressed out lately.
- I have a tendency to become extremely sarcastic and blunt when annoyed, and I am annoyed at this person all over again. My snark is showing through in response to bits of their passive aggression reasserting themselves. I usually have to simply remove myself from the situation to avoid the sharpness of my feelings from hurting someone I care about, but we will be in close contact soon. Should I try to cancel or limit our plans?
Any fresh perspectives or advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.
