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Thread: INFJ and grief

  1. #11
    Senior Member alcea rosea's Avatar
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    Nov 2007


    I'm really sorry for your loss.
    Last edited by alcea rosea; 02-10-2008 at 11:32 AM.

  2. #12
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Apr 2007
    INFj None


    That's so much to be going through at once. I'm so sorry. I have never had to deal with that many things at one time, but losing my grandma was very hard, because, like GirlAmerica, my grandma was my surrogate mother. She gave me the kind of security and nurture my mother did not have in herself to give.

    For me, the initial grief was pretty debilitating. I was trying to hold it in for the first few days because it was Eastertime and we were interning at a church at the time and I needed to keep myself together. I remember leaving the Easter service several times because I kept nearly crying and I knew when I started to cry it would not be gentle or short.

    I didn't allow myself to cry until the funeral, which was, looking back, rather silly of me. I would rather have done it in private, but I didn't and when I saw her lying there looking so very dead, I couldn't keep it in any longer. I so badly wanted my grandma back.

    It was months before I could see little old ladies at restaurants without having to fight tears and even though it's been almost nine years, I still miss her terribly. I don't miss her constantly though and I can think of her without wanting to weep now and I can laugh about the times we had and about her quirks (she really was very much like Puddleglum or Rabbit on Winnie the Pooh), so that is a good thing.

    I don't know the best way for others to deal with their grief other than to encourage you try to show yourself the same compassion you would show anyone else in your situation.

    I hope that you heal rapidly and well.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  3. #13
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007


    Quote Originally Posted by tovlo View Post
    [/B]Yet, it's not all bad in my life. Many of those losses have opened doors that allowed wonderful things to enter in the wake. So...I don't know. Should I shut down my experience of the despair and contemplation of the loss?
    I'm so very sorry about your mother. Death sucks.

    Now, I'm not an INFJ, but I'm an INTJ who shares your dominant Ni and can appear very NF in behavior. So, I figure I'll share and you can take what resonates and leave the rest.

    When my favorite cousin (a few weeks apart in age than me) died, I was an emotional wreck. I went into my bedroom, and I wasn't hungry, and I wasn't... I felt quite disoriented. I ran a bath and just sat there in the water and listened to the same song over and over on my iPod and felt sick inside.
    I was upset at my friends for not knowing how to comfort me (most of them avoided me b/c they didn't know what to do, and didn't want to make it worse). I was upset that I was alone, but angry whenever someone came in and tried to intrude on my private grieving. I didn't want to publicly grieve at all. The funeral was hard. I hated talking to the people that I am only acquainted to. I hated that they saw my grieving.

    Now a full year later, I am very thankful I took the time to grieve properly. My mother didn't (and she would drive him to all his chemo appointments, so she was awfully close to him). You can see the difference in our family of who did and who didn't. (Note: although he had cancer, he didn't tell anyone he was dying except his parents b/c he wanted to enjoy his last few months. You could see he was sick, but he damn well enjoyed them and so thoroughly exhausted himself with volunteering and spending time with friends and family he went out like a light-switch was turned off. It was literally 24 hours between hanging out at a friends house and his body shutting down before he never woke up again. So I didn't get much time to emotionally prepare at all.)

    I am thankful for the gifts of understanding that can come only from experiencing a profound loss. I can relate better to others. I can value my relationships I have currently with more depth. I am far more emotional than I used to be and consider this a good thing.

    I don't know if any of this helps, but all in all, I highly recommend grieving properly. I'm sorry about your mom.
    Last edited by Usehername; 12-13-2007 at 12:48 AM.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  4. #14
    Senior Member theshadow's Avatar
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    Sep 2007

    Default to you

    Tovlo, the differences in are age's,sex, lifestyles in this context mean nothing.your fears, feelings and attempts to deal with this change are so alike to my own that even though your worried out burdening others, and not haveing something to put into others lives. When I read this, it has done nothing to me but to help validate my Identity and bring relief to my own feeling. thats right..after all that you only managed to give at lest one person a little brighter outlook on life . Thank you.

    I have heard a couple things so far that I think are really important for you to hear.

    You sound like you have a "good voice" inside telling you what you need; listen to it and do not apologize for it.
    I really agree with this, But I feel your fears about it as well.

    Absolutely not! Absolutely. Not. I think you have it right when you say you’ve just got to let yourself feel it, without even trying to heal it or doing anything about it. Don’t try to fix the pain or get over it. Just feel it. If you do that, it will heal, eventually, without your even trying. It will.
    wow. I think you recognize that there is a balance here and that its better to actively work through it then then let it work it self out. Only you know your limits. that being said. I couldnt agree more. Just as writing your post was consoling to you, the tears, will be also.

    I decided to avoid sharing my story. It is, long and full of what happens when you take things like this the wrong way.

    Tovlo I promise what Im hearing come from you is good . And yes btw it is an option not to deal with these feelings now, I have gone this route and Highly discourage it. that which served only to lengthen the time I should have affected my life, and happiness.

    ok Tovlo Here is your Hug


  5. #15
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Sep 2007


    Tovlo, I am so sorry. I am familiar with grief. I know that it helps to journal, to write out my feelings and thoughts. I usually express my feelings to God. Suppressing or ignoring your grief is not helpful in the long run, but on the other hand, we tend to naturally do a certain amount of that until we have a chance to stop and breathe. So, I would say, face your grief when you have the time to. Take the time to write down what you feel. It's good that you felt free to share your heart here.

  6. #16
    To the top of the world arcticangel02's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007


    Oh, Tovlo, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother and everything else you're going through!

    I can't imagine what you're going through, I've never lost someone so close to me, but I'm sure you know that you'll have all the support and hugs we can possibly send you, should you need or want them.

    Like the others have said, I think you just need to focus on you and how you need to work through it... don't worry too much about the other relationships you feel like you have to nurture - I have no doubt they'll understand and give you the time you need.

    Extraversion (52%) ---- Introversion (48%)
    Sensing (26%) ---- iNtuition (74%)
    Thinking (16%) ---- Feeling (84%)
    Judging (5%) ---- Perceiving (95%)

    9w1 so/sx/sp

  7. #17
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007


    Oh... I'm kind of embarrassed I didn't see this earlier. This is awful. Like others have said, I can't help because I don't know what you're going through, and I've never lost anyone close to me.

    But it seems like awful timing, doesn't it? I mean, it sounds like too much to deal with at one time. Who could be expected to deal with this much on their own? I do hope that you have some other friends to lean on besides the ones you've lost through these other events. Just remember I'm here to talk to if you need a sounding board.

  8. #18
    Senior Member tovlo's Avatar
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    May 2007


    Thank you everyone for all your words and sharing of experience. I didn't comment before, but I did read. Each of your expressions soothed in different ways. Again, thank you.
    "We don't see things as they are,
    we see things as we are."
    ...Anais Nin

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