Avoiding confrontation

[GIjade]

Most of the people I know just cannot handle confrontation. I don't understand it, but I don't say much about it because I know that everyone is different and everyone has their own way of reacting to situations. Just frustrating to me, that's all. Why do you think they avoid it?

 

[kyuuei]

Lots of reasons.

It is uncomfortable.
Sometimes it is influenced by their backgrounds--it was much better for the family for them to be not confrontational if they are in a family full of very hard-headed confrontation-prone people.
It doesn't always get things done. Confrontation I do not believe is inherently a bad thing... but many times it can be.. or even if it isn't, there may be a less argumentative way of getting things done if one tries.
They may not have self esteem enough to speak their minds in such a blunt way.
Culture may be an influence--it could be disrespectful to be confrontational.
They may not be quick to speak--they may have to process information a bit longer than some, and so confrontation isn't really practical to them because they cannot just fire back with an immediate response.

With all that said, I think a bit of confrontation is healthy for someone.. there will always be people to push you over if you let them.

 

[GIjade]

Lots of reasons.

It is uncomfortable.
Sometimes it is influenced by their backgrounds--it was much better for the family for them to be not confrontational if they are in a family full of very hard-headed confrontation-prone people.
It doesn't always get things done. Confrontation I do not believe is inherently a bad thing... but many times it can be.. or even if it isn't, there may be a less argumentative way of getting things done if one tries.
They may not have self esteem enough to speak their minds in such a blunt way.
Culture may be an influence--it could be disrespectful to be confrontational.
They may not be quick to speak--they may have to process information a bit longer than some, and so confrontation isn't really practical to them because they cannot just fire back with an immediate response.

With all that said, I think a bit of confrontation is healthy for someone.. there will always be people to push you over if you let them.

That last one - not quick to speak/need time to process... I'm like that, but I still don't avoid confrontation. And confrontation doesn't necessarily mean argumentative, it can just mean you are confronting someone with a question you want an answer to, it's confrontational because the other person doesn't want to talk about it, but the only way to get something out in the open is to confront someone with that question.

 

[ceecee]

Lots of reasons.

It is uncomfortable.
Sometimes it is influenced by their backgrounds--it was much better for the family for them to be not confrontational if they are in a family full of very hard-headed confrontation-prone people.
It doesn't always get things done. Confrontation I do not believe is inherently a bad thing... but many times it can be.. or even if it isn't, there may be a less argumentative way of getting things done if one tries.
They may not have self esteem enough to speak their minds in such a blunt way.
Culture may be an influence--it could be disrespectful to be confrontational.
They may not be quick to speak--they may have to process information a bit longer than some, and so confrontation isn't really practical to them because they cannot just fire back with an immediate response.

With all that said, I think a bit of confrontation is healthy for someone.. there will always be people to push you over if you let them.

I believe all of these are/can be a reason. In all the conflict-avoidance people I know, they have never learned how to have a confrontation and/or learned it that it can be a healthy thing. I also think at some point in life, they were also taught that it was bad and to avoid it at all costs. Even if it creates more problems, outright lying that destroys trust or glossing over and omitting things that are pretty much the same as lying. Of course some of it can come from fear or lack of confidence but some are just incredibly selfish.

The good thing is that people can learn how to overcome it, if they are shown how and shown that a conflict isn't going to automatically run people/piss people off. I do understand being frustrated by it though. It was easily one of the biggest issue I had with my ENFJ at one time.

 

[21%]

I always thought I was conflict-avoidant, but then I realized that was totally not the case. I don't like confrontations, but I don't like the feeling of unfinished business even more, so I usually opt for confrontations (civil, sincere ones, whenever possible).

Sometimes people are not being conflict-avoidant, but broadcast 'cues' and try to get you to pick up on that. In other words they are bringing up the 'confrontation' via a different channel, but since no one reads cues the same way they can go unobserved or be misinterpreted.

 

[fetus]

To be completely honest...

It's scary, upsetting, and it makes me cry. I just want to live peacefully. Another big reason for me is that I don't want to be hated. I can't stand the thought of being on someone's shit list. Sometimes this conflicts with my need to change the world and champion my chosen causes. I speak up for what I believe in, but then when people get mad, I spend a great deal of energy backtracking and trying to find the common ground somehow, all while trying to stand my ground. It's very draining. I just don't want to be an enemy to anyone, and I don't enjoy chaos. So I'm basically known as the nice, sweet girl because I stay away from strong controversy, and I avoid insulting others because I don't want their disapproval.

But I'm not a complete doormat. I stand up for myself and my beliefs, and I can even be forceful and sarcastic if the offense is heinous enough. Usually, though, I go out of my way to be extra nice to the person I've had conflict with in order to affirm that we're not enemies, to assure myself that things are okay and that I won't have to deal with the stress of having an enemy. I'm still learning.

Anyways. Didn't mean to make this all about me again.

 

[á´…eparted]

I have 0 issue with confrontation, but most people can't handle it well and avoid it as much as possible. Why? Because it puts them at risk of creating bad blood, and that is something a great number of people fear, and for good reason.

 

[Dyslexxie]

I thought I didn't like confrontation but that's not the case at all. I'm perfectly comfortable with confrontation and disagreements - I would much rather have someone be pissed off at me in the short term but have everything laid out and settled than have someone resent me and grow bitter towards me. I realize that's not the case with most people, and I understand why - disagreements are uncomfortable and can go south any moment, and I think most people would rather slowly grow resentful than lay everything on the table when is necessary.

 

[Hawthorne]

I avoid it because most of the time, it's a waste of energy. I don't mind sharing my opinion or making a recommendation but if someone choses not to listen...well, that's on them.

Only changes when I'm also subject to the consequences of some's decision or actions. There may be other edge cases.

 

[Ghost]

Why do you think they avoid it?

I can't speak for why others avoid it, but I can talk about why I do.

I feel like if I were to be confrontational or aggressive, I'd open myself to counterattack. The other person could just flip me to expose my delicate underbelly, tear me to shreds, and leave me for the buzzards. Basically, it feels like I couldn't withstand a confrontation.

Another thing is that I don't like to call out people I don't know well unless I'm 100% sure they're incorrect on something. If I don't think I can state my case, I try to ignore what they said or did.

The other reason is because it's sooooo much of a hassle. A prediction plays in my mind for how the confrontation will turn out. Usually, the negatives outweigh the benefits, and I can't bother.

Earlier today, this instructor was expounding on his bullshit opinions, and I'm thinking he's clearly wrong. But to express that in front of the group would've put me in the spotlight. That guy says stupid things all the time. I can't quibble with him on all of them. That'd introduce too much irrelevant stuff. (He meanders enough without my help. I just want him to teach the material.) Not to mention I need him to do my assessment, and I don't want to create an obstacle for myself. I just gotta sit tight for five more days.

The people I have an impulse to confront tend to be the same people I want something from. So...Yeah. Not worth it.

 

[Yama]

As a Professional Conflict Avoider, I have my reasons.

I just don't have the mental or emotional energy to get into heated confrontations with people. They drain me very quickly and I recharge very slowly.

I don't like the awkward, heated, emotional atmosphere of conflicts in the present moment.

I find that many confrontations are unproductive and only lead to resentment.

I require harmony in order to function. I do not work under pressure. Confrontations give me the exact opposite.

Luckily, I am the type of person who almost never attracts conflict in their day to day life that requires confrontation. Mostly because I tend to be permissive and have a high threshold for patience.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I will avoid confrontation if I think it is more likely to result in miscommunication (if i can tell someone wants to take me down their rabbit hole), or wasted time.

Confrontation is necessary for me when i feel there is a likelihood of being able to clarify an issue that has caused obfiscution; when the benefit of clearing things up outweighs the discomfort either party might feel at directly tackling that issue.

otherwise, part of me selfishly craves confrontation and fighting. (Though i try to squelch such fleshly desires).

 

[Poki]

I ask myself is it worth confronting. Certain people my answer tends to be no, other people it tends to be yes. I am about getting the job done and results. If I an do that without confrontation that inhibits it then I will. Some people make big deals out of little things, I avoid confronting these people and just go around them. They make life difficult, other people I do confront because it will make life better.

We read a book to my 6 month old about a big dog and a little dog. At the end of the book the big dog gets a little bed and a little dog gets a big bed. They toss and turn and talk about it in the morning. Do they confront the front desk...no...they simply just switch rooms. The last page says "why make big problems out of little ones."

 

[GIjade]

sigh. ok, but you know that sometimes there is far more conflict in keeping secrets, staying silent, and not opening up to another person about what you've done wrong, than there is in a confrontation about those things. It's really not fair to the other person when you've done something wrong and won't allow that person to ask you to be truthful just because, well, because of all the reasons you guys have stated here.

 

[Ghost]

sigh. ok, but you know that sometimes there is far more conflict in keeping secrets, staying silent, and not opening up to another person about what you've done wrong, than there is in a confrontation about those things. It's really not fair to the other person when you've done something wrong and won't allow that person to ask you to be truthful just because, well, because of all the reasons you guys have stated here.

I reread the OP a few times to see if I missed something. The situation in this post is a touch more specific. The way you've phrased things makes it sound like one party did something "wrong" and then avoided discussing it. The original post seemed more broad.

If I'm avoiding confrontation, that's because I view myself as the one in control of whether or not there's going to be a confrontation. However, if I'm being confronted, that's a whole other thing. Assuming someone I care about confronts me, I want them to be honest with me. When the conversation gets heated and we're not getting through to each other, then I want time to step away and think. It doesn't mean I don't want to resolve things. I just need to get some perspective. That helps me be honest with them.

I'd prefer to be talked to than confronted, tbh. Coming to me with the mindset that it is a confrontation might become a self-fulfilling prophesy. I'm the sort of person who becomes more oppositional than I would've been whenever someone approaches me like that.

 

[Betty Blue]

Most of the people I know just cannot handle confrontation. I don't understand it, but I don't say much about it because I know that everyone is different and everyone has their own way of reacting to situations. Just frustrating to me, that's all. Why do you think they avoid it?

Yeah I think I understand more about this now than previously, both my husband and son, and countless others I have met are far more conflict/confrontation avoid ant than I am, and I used to think I was pretty conflict avoidant. The thing is, lots of people struggle to effectively communicate their thoughts on the spot, during a heated discussion, especially when it is personally directed. I am actually quite good at that, it's similar to how people deal with quick fire rounds in quizzes etc.

It doe snot mean to say that these people can not deal with the resolution process though, what you have to do is calmly present them with an issue or argument and give them time to process it and come up with solutions. They generally will ... if you go to someone pointing fingers shouting and angry they may become flustered in their mental processes and not be as effective at communication, in my experience this is often why it is avoided.

 

[Jaq]

People are bound to dislike confrontation, since a lot people have it associated with negativity. Would you want to do something that is not easy, not fun and not enjoyable for most people? Plus it can lead to future conflicts down the road.

 

[Lark]

An interesting thread which I am going to examine in more detail when I have more time, I have mixed views on the topic to be honest.

As a simple cost-benefit exercise I believe most confrontation is pointless when its not costly, there is no benefit either way, even when situations are not confrontational there is often much, much more defensiveness than is necessary, leading to confrontation.

I actually think confrontation is different from challenging, which can be worthwhile, although mishandled either will merely result in entrenchment or retrenchment. A lot of people crave confrontation as validation, I dislike most other-dependency in whatever shape it takes.

Its one of those things that increasingly I tend to think you've only got so many minutes in one life and you do you want to spend it that way?

 

[PeaceBaby]

The very nature of the word confrontation is positional - it makes the assumption that you are right and another party is wrong, either from a factual or emotional perspective. I prefer discussion, and choosing this word is not simply semantics on my part. Even if I feel justified in broaching a subject or emotion that to me requires discussion, nothing is "black and white", no one is ever 100% correct in their position and the other person 100% incorrect, so starting in with a hard opinion on the matter is often polarizing, is seldom productive and often incurs a great deal of hurt feelings in the process.

Confrontation is stressful and oppositional. Discussion is healthier and team-building. So, this is ultimately why I avoid confrontation.

 

[ceecee]

Confrontation is stressful and oppositional. Discussion is healthier and team-building. So, this is ultimately why I avoid confrontation.

Unfortunately, many people who avoid confrontation are totally unable/unwilling to see the differences in discussion and confrontation. It is all the same thing, it's all bad (for them). I've found there is very little consideration for anyone else in this. *I* get drained. *I* get upset *I* cry. Hello, if you are withholding or omitting truth and honesty from and about other people to avoid a conflict, it's not all about you and how it makes you feel.

That's a collective "you" not aimed at PB or anyone in particular.