Am I actually a social four or am I accidentally mistyping myself for attention??

[raviolisnail]

Warning: This is going to be long and disorganized, but please help me! I’ve done extensive research on the enneagram, but I still can’t determine my type! I’m mostly caught between six and four (my tritype is some variation of 469), but no matter how much I relate to one I seem to not believe that that’s my type. Does that make sense? As a child I’ve always felt very different from others and been aware of other’s differences— I KNOW that doesn't necessarily make me a four, okay!! The first example I can remember was in kindergarten when I began rapidly gaining weight. I overheard these older girls whispering about me and how I was “only in kindergarten” but I “already had boobs.” I didn’t, but it looked that way because of the weight I had put on. That incident was the beginning of my overwhelming sense of shame about my body, and from then to six grade I mostly wore big t-shirts and big hoodies to hide my body. My parents thought my gained weight was just baby fat for a while, but it took a few years for the doctors to figure out that I had insulin hypersecretion —in simple terms basically pre-diabetes. Around that time I had also been diagnosed with a gluten allergy. Both of those diagnoses meant I had to be really careful about what I ate, which made me self-conscious because the food I brought to school was different from others’. At my birthdays none of my friends liked/wanted to try the food served because it was “weird” or “too healthy.” I was never really able to stand up for myself or say anything when I got my feelings hurt —which was all the time. In 5th grade, I was really happy when I got diagnosed with dyslexia and ADD, not because their was an explanation for the struggles I was experiencing, but because there was something special about me. The same year I remember telling my mom how I thought I was “a little bit autistic.” I’m definitely not, but I wanted there to be something else “wrong” with me. That is not to say that there's anything “wrong” with being autistic, there is definitely NOT, but I wanted to have another struggle in my life because it would make me feel special. My sexuality has always been one of the few things I was confident in. In middle school, when both of the people I had crushes on liked each other I spiraled into a pit of depression. Looking back I realize I was a bit arrogant because I acted like I had the most horrible life out of anyone in the world. Oftentimes, even now, I either feel like the person with the most problems or like I don’t have enough problems to feel this depressed and so I need more problems. For years I had huge temper tantrums at home because I couldn’t control all that I was feeling, but in public I was sweet and timid and rarely expressed my anger. But I was certainly aware of my anger, and I felt a LOT of it. So, I always take it out on my family. Even now when people hurt my feelings, outside of my family, I have a hard time confronting them. I have so much hatred inside of me. I often confuse jealousy with anger and have a mental list of people who have wronged me from years ago. I’ve always been very sensitive, but most people don’t know that about me. My mom always says how something “doesn’t have to be a big deal” which is really invalidating to me because it IS a big deal to me. She often says that she “understands” what I’m going to which also really pisses me off because I KNOW SHE DOESN’T. I feel like no one except my future self could possibly understand what I’m feeling. My mom is also pretty critical about things, but she’s also very supportive and we mostly have a good relationship. Unlike me and my dad, we usually can talk through our feelings after an argument and move forward. My dad has always been very invalidating of my feelings and that has led to a lot of shame and insecurity about myself. I harbor so much anger specifically for him which I take out in the form of temper tantrums. I’ve often felt like I’m not being authentic because I hide the angry part of myself from others. Now, in high school, several of my friends have noted how “calm” I am which is SHOCKING to me because I felt like I’ve been more authentic in the past couple years and I certainly don’t feel calm most of the time. I get really jealous when my friends pair off because of past experiences I’ve had. This time, I know my friends aren’t doing anything to hurt me, but I still get so envious and am like “you should be hanging out with me, not her!” And yet I don’t say anything, although I can be pretty passive aggressive at times. I don’t like when my friends pair off, I want to hangout as a group. (However, I do long for someone to want to pair off with me, but I feel like I’m never someone’s first choice.) Oh, also last year in English class I had a teacher who yelled at EVERYONE and is known for being mean, but she is always super sweet to me. According to my friends I lamented A LOT in that class, and so I feel like she’s taking pity on me. (I feel that sounds self absorbed…) I know this probably sounds like a four and I would agree, but I still have many doubts. Like some sixes I often ask other people’s opinions when making a big design and certainly have been a pushover until recently. I always worry about what could go wrong and criticize my family for not believing me when something I predicted does go wrong. I mostly see people as either “friends” or “enemies” and I will sometimes talk about “all my enemies” even though that’s just me being very dramatic. My “enemies” are the people who have wronged me. (I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU, PAULINE THE BABYSITTER.) I thought I would talk about people who have wronged me A LOT. (I’m not sure if that’s more than 4 or 6). I wouldn’t say I have a thing about authority though. I also feel like most people outside my family would see me as a 6 or even possibly a 9 and I’m worried that they wouldn’t believe I’m a 4. When I was really depressed a couple years back, I feel like I could have been a 4 going to 2 OR 6 going to 3. I became much more clingy than usual (most of the time I HATE when people don’t give me a little space) and always volunteered to do errands for my friends. I also became obsessed with social media. I posted pictures and captioned them “Is this hot?” and created tons of different accounts because I want to be recognized and validated. God, I’m so ashamed and embarrassed of that. I’m very emotional inside, but only those close to me really see that. I have a very rich world of imagination inside my head, but I don’t really like sharing it with others. I’ve always been a follower not a leader and get really nervous if I have to present anything. I like getting people to do things for me, but mainly my parents. I’ll be like “I’m so cozy on this couch. Do you want to slice an apple for me?” When discussing the enneagram with my mom she said that I seem a lot like a social 4 and that I can play the victim in order to get people to do things for me or be sweet to me. I agree, but I’m also careful not to do that TOO much because I don’t want to come off as ungrateful. I’ve always been aware of how much privilege I have and often feel undeserving of it. I frequently think about those who I have less than me and think about what it would be like if I was in that position, but then I don’t really do anything to help them. What do you think? What is my enneagram type?? TELL ME!! Also if you want to ask me any questions to better understand something feel free to do so.

 

[Iceblueblossom]

I feel like your enneagram type is something that only you can answer and you should have the say in whatever rings most true to you.
Also I don't claim to be an expert in enneagram whatsoever, even though I've read quite a bit, so I would love for other people here to add their opinions as well, as I could be pretty wrong with my assessments.

That being said, I have to say that I really relate to alot of what you are saying. Especially the bits of "wanting to be special for "attention"" and wanting to have something wrong with you.
INFPs have a very high correlation with the enneagram 4, so it definitely wouldn't be out of question for you to be one.
One thing to consider though: WHY do you feel like there must be something wrong with you? Why do you do things for attention? What are you trying to compensate for? Is it to be unique, do you want to feel like you get love and support or do you feel like you wouldn't be important otherwise?
I personally used to type as an INFP 4w5 so/sp. People, especially back in school, used to tell me that I would react emotionally in order to get attention, even though I wasn't struggling that much. That I was a drama queen for the sake of it. This is what I believed until about two years ago. It doesn't help if people tell you the same thing. But plottwist, wanting to have attention and wanting to be seen for your stuggles doesn't automatically make you a 4. Maybe you are REALLY struggling and only downplay it, thinking it is for attention? Maybe you have the feeling you don't deserve attention unless you feel bad? Maybe observe yourself a little more to find an answer for that. In my case I realised that I WANTED attention, but it was out of a place of actually feeling lost in the world. It was because I invalidated my own feelings and deemed them as less important than the feelings of others. I was thinking that whatever I was going through couldn't be that bad to warrant my strong emotional reactions. At the same time I was really craving emotional support from others without wanting to admit it.

One major thing to consider too is that you have ADD. For me personally ALOT of not all of my "cries for attention" were issues with emotional regulation and RSD (if you don't know what it is, read it up!). It's also very easy to feel different if you are neurodivergent and like other people have it so much easier. A part of it could also be depression and again, simply wanting support. Maybe having something "wrong" with you is the only way to get it?

You thinking back and forth between 6 and 4 could also be an indicator of 6 or even 9, as those two types have the most issues with figuring out what type they are whereas 4s TEND to be more sure that they are 4s and know who they are. You being a 4 is still a possibility though and if you are not one you could very well have it in your tritype still. It is also about self-observation, being honest with yourself and reading up about the types. Make you you read up on stances and triads, core motivations and where types move in stress and health (you relating to this aspect in the enneagram 4 might be a hint?).