Sorry it's taken me a while to reply! Work has been crazy lately, and my SJ and I are about to leave on a trip.
That actually sounds quite reasonable
I think, to him, there are "things in the world that need to be dealt with" that have nothing to do with the relationship. I view it as "getting all the crap out of the way" so as to create a safe space where our relationship can thrive. So it's not that these things matter in themselves, but are just precautionary action to make sure life goes on smoothly.
I really like that way of phrasing it - getting the crap out of the way. I think he seems very much to operate like that too! I once read a sp/sx objectives description that sounded something like "creating a haven to nurture their personal interests", which sounds a lot like him to me. I see him as sort of a nester, building a nest of security so he can nurture a happy life in it. (Which might have a lot to do with why my little sx 6 self likes to curl up in his nest of security, after I've finished testing all his walls to make sure they're not going to break.)
Yeah, my boyfriend is (secretly) extremely jealous. I had no idea the feeling is that intense! I've always thought I was the jealous one, but I'm quite easily appeased and a few words will make me feel loved. I think he is secretly jealous of everyone that has my attention -- not just the potential of another love interest -- even people who I consider "things to get out of the way". He tries not to show it, though.
Probably! Seeing my boyfriend give other people more attention - even other
things, especially if it seems like higher-quality attention - prompts me to wonder what it is that they have that I don't, and what I can change about myself to be more like that - to try to figure out what hole in him they're filling that I'm not, what hurt in him they're soothing, and to try to figure out how I can become more like that. Even my boy's love of coffee makes me a little jealous sometimes. I assume that sounds utterly ridiculous, but it's totally about seeing how something/someone pleases him
so much and wanting to be able to do that, too.
If he feels like that, I imagine the easiest way to calm him would simply be to share your experience. I'm really not bothered at all if my SJ thinks a girl is cute or attractive as long as he tells me why and reassures me that I still mean more to him. Sometimes we'll walk through the mall pointing out attractive and unattractive girls and laughing at who we think is which.
This is interesting! I think I consider him as part of me and all my plans always involve him somehow (even if I don't make it clear). I agree it is much harder to do long-distance, because in a way you are not an active part of each other's lives. However,
I feel like my 'us' meter is always turned on, regardless of what I'm doing or how busy I am. When we are long-distance, I feel that he is 'on and off'. Sometimes he will go into what I call "Te mode" and will just get so absorbed in his work that I feel neglected. His reason is usually something like "I have to do work now. I can't sit around and be sad all the time", so in a way he is a bit better at 'compartmentalizing' his feelings in that sense?
Tell him the bolded
I'm not surprised about hot-and-cold. I'd actually started writing something about that in my very first post to you and ditched it because it was tangential, but now here it is! Sx dominance seems to strongly relate to "immersion" - refer to "entranced" in my profile and the very atmospheric feel of my avatar. It's most comfortable for me to be surrounded by and enveloped by something, very lost in it, and I've heard the same from several other sx-firsts. It's a preference as well as a tendency, and especially as an NFP I think it's very easy to get immersed in something and not realize how long one's been under, or how far down one has gone. I think also yes, Te is a good compartmentalizing function in that doing productive logical work helps escape feelings, so naturally he would probably be less connected during that time (and again, NFP Te is kind of on the shitty side - at least for me Te in and of itself is very on/off). He is also an introvert - I don't know if that has an impact here, but I'm guessing most introverts are more productive when solitary and totally focused in their minds? If you let him know that you feel neglected during his work sometimes I imagine he would make a huge effort to make up for that. He also might be trying to prove to you that he can be unavailable too, if he feels a little hurt that he's always available while you have things to do and places to be.
Could be a guy thing though...
That too. Guys supposedly have more one-track minds and are more solitary workers.
That's a very cute way to put it! I can definitely see that -- thinking back to the time before we went long-distance. Because life was a lot simpler then, I think we balanced each other out really well. That was probably the 'honeymoon stage' too, but we were students and had no life worries and all we ever had to do was write our papers. When I did not have to concentrate on 'surviving', I could devote my whole life to the relationship, and that lifestyle was fulfilling for both of us.
Now if I could only magically have a million dollars...
And just think how hard it is for both of you, with you having to do all your surviving and with him probably desperately trying to pull all the strings he can to monitor how everything in the relationship is and he really just can't reach far enough to see, so he has to work on best-guesses - like that you don't do anything for him because you're not seeming to value/acknowledge/respect his needs as much as yours.
I keep fantasizing about how when we live together I will manage all his finances and give him a fixed allowance for spending and the rest will go towards building a decent savings plan (split into three: life enjoyment, emergencies, and retirement) so that he won't have to worry about money again. /extreme sp-mode
Aww that's adorable. You should tell him that. I'd love if someone did that for me!
I think he understands my need for safety. He has actually started to adopt some of my strategies, like having a back-up plan, and I know he appreciates me helping him "deal with obligations", like filling out forms and making appointments. I have to admit sometimes it is rather frustrating (and shocking) about how unprepared he is about anything, like "The deadline is tomorrow and you haven't started!?" *freaks out*
It's funny for us, from the other side, to see you guys not realizing that, generally, even if you mess up a bit, life goes on. Deadline's tomorrow and you haven't started... eh. You'll probably still finish it. If you don't, you can probably turn it in late. If you can't, it probably won't utterly destroy your life. You probably won't even remember the incident in a year. Things are more bendy than they seem... people try to create structure to organize chaos, but structures are often a bit facade-like, and the truth is that the cogs will keep turning even without the "required" elements. To us it feels a little bit like you're
making these things more important than they actually are, seeing as the rest of us are still alive. But yes, I love having my sp-dom's and his strategies around to help me. I think he balances me out!
He always offers to help. He knows I hate driving to weird places by myself, so when I have to go meet a client he would sometimes offer to go with me and have me drop him off at a nearby coffee shop and wait for me there. I think that's the sweetest thing ever
Aww. Probably makes him very happy to do so!
That's something useful too - we really don't mind doing that kind of stuff. Taking him up on offers of his company or his help or his resources or whatever he offers probably makes him really happy. I know my sp-dom has a VERY strong independent, self-sufficient streak, but I really like when he accepts my help openly (rarely), or at least grudgingly accepts it (much more often).
Wow, the bolded is kinda new to me! I never thought of it that way! I've always tried to take care of him and anticipate what he needs. Could you give an example about how to "concentrate on the bond" and not necessarily "him"? Is it about "doing things together" and not "doing things he wants"? With Fe, the two can be easily confused. I sort of have a vague impression of this being an issue, but I can't recall the details. It was about me not doing something because 'it was what I really wanted to do so it was selfish' (warped Fe reasoning) and him taking it to mean I 'did not want to do something with him'.
Bold, bingo. I actually struggled a lot with this with my ESFJ (I believe 2w1 sp/so) Mom growing up. This might not be such a good long-distance example, but let's say he's feeling down because he's sick, since that's a pretty simple one. Assuming you're physically together, one line of reasoning would say go out and buy him tissues, medicine, soup; give him quiet time alone to rest; let him contact you if he wants you. On one hand, that sounds really sweet, and like you're doing a lot for him. On the other hand, that sounds like you'll be spending a lot of time doing anything but being
with him and being emotionally supportive, which is probably what he really needs. One thing about Te in NFPs is that you're pretty well assured that if you
really want something, you can do it yourself, so he's probably pretty capable of getting tissues if he really needs them - however, what he's
not capable of providing himself with is love and support, someone to cuddle on the couch with him and tell him he's still cute even when his nose is cherry-red. It's stuff like that, basically doing things
for him instead of
with him. Always choose with.
So, how do I focus on the "connection"?
Well, you know how you say you try to anticipate his needs? It's like that. Sx doms anticipate opportunities for togetherness, bonding and intimacy. Personally, by virtue of parenting (NT dad) or personality (sx 6 with 3 fix), I have a major issue with competency; I can't stand others assuming I can't do things for myself. I've had to learn to let go of that to a certain extent in my relationship, and to just let him take care of my sp needs when he wants to, because it's so much better for both of us. He says, your wipers are making an awful noise. When was the last time you had them replaced? (Never?) Let me get you some new windshield wipers. Normally I would protest, but I'm learning to just let go and let him help me take care of that. That sounds easy, but what it does entail is de-prioritizing some of my sx impulses to allow us to focus on the sp-thing. Similarly, I think you can try to let go of some of your sp impulses to allow you guys to focus on the sx-thing. And he
will cue you, you just have to be listening and open to it. If he says,
maybe we spend tonight video chatting, even if you have ____ to do, see if maybe you could let it go.
I also just re-read your OP, and I have one more thought, which is that maybe sometimes he needs (unbeknownst to him) less listening and more redirecting. I'm sure this is harder long-distance, but maybe you could try to find some ways to redirect him when he starts going down that path. I suspect as a 4 you are much more comfortable in that place than him as a 9 and I'm not really surprised he emotionally shuts down. I assume you have more of a gift for navigating the pain than he does. Especially with him being sx I wonder if he wouldn't follow your direction into clearer emotional waters. And like you have done, you can try to cut your emotional self off from the environment when he is like that. Still, I can't think it's more preferable for him to fill himself up with negativity than to fill himself up with you. Maybe you can try to help him fill himself up with you again.
I think so too. Especially in his fragile state, he is very sensitive to what can be interpreted as a rejection. I think I still have my feelings to sort out about the whole thing before I can completely understand what is happening.
Yeah, absolutely.
I'll try to do that more (and more consciously). I'm still not sure what exactly I can do when we are not together. I really want to visit him, though, and I like to fantasize about showing up without telling him in advance
D'aw.
Well, I think mostly checking in with him often and reminding him that he's of utmost importance to you. Also discussing things very deeply with him - anytime anything seems to be hurting him, just crack it open and talk about it. Each of his problems on that list is a valuable talking point - why don't you want to move? What ties you down to the place? What do you love about it? What places make him feel a similar way? Can you talk about ways to compromise, such as you loving this city but maybe you could move to a different area in it that's more appealing to him? I can understand how frustrated he might feel to fly a very long distance and then have to spend half the day waiting for you to get out of work just to accomplish the whole reason for his trip. Could you talk about ways to make his visits more satisfying, such as reducing the amount of time he visits but increasing the amount of days you take off? Can you make up an even better beach trip, as a spur-of-the-moment surprise (I bet you that all he needs is a few days' notice. Sx doms are brilliant at
creating time for the people/things we're passionate about.) Ask him the reasoning behind the piercing. Even if you don't agree to it, maybe you could learn the core of his request and bend a little. Maybe you could get a removable ring there, for instance.
Do you think I should openly discuss some of these issues with him? Let him know we might have different psychological needs which will affect behaviors and perception? I know I will have to broad this subject in a very delicate manner -- so any tips would be appreciated!
Yes. I don't know how Enneagram 9 plays in, but NFP and sx should be very open to talking about deep issues like this, and how to create an ideal relationship between you.