[NF] Why does it seem like everyone unloads on me?

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

It seems like everywhere I go, I run into someone who feels the need to unload their problems on me. I've seen the terms "emotional vampires" or "energy vampires" tossed around in various articles and forums and they are adequate descriptions of what these types of people do to me. It's exhausting and after a point I find it difficult to discern between my own feelings and "contaminants" picked up from said vampires. Any good advice on how to avoid or cope with these scenarios that doesn't involve me running away and living in a cave?

edit: this might be relevant to many introverts but I thought it might be of particular relevance to INFs.

 

[great_bay]

You're a type 9. They probably feel trust in your peacemaking vibe.

 

[Destiny]

It seems like everywhere I go, I run into someone who feels the need to unload their problems on me. I've seen the terms "emotional vampires" or "energy vampires" tossed around in various articles and forums and they are adequate descriptions of what these types of people do to me. It's exhausting and after a point I find it difficult to discern between my own feelings and "contaminants" picked up from said vampires. Any good advice on how to avoid or cope with these scenarios that doesn't involve me running away and living in a cave?

Haha, I agree that this is an INFs thing, I am an INFx myself and I used to encounter the same problem too. I am always the one who people unload their problems on, they often spend hours talking about their problems to me, and there are times when I need a listening ear too but they continued talking about their problems, my energy ended up getting sapped out after spending time with them because I am always busy listening to their problems. Then after finish unloading everything on me, they told me, "Hey thanks for listening, I feel so much better now!" whereas I walk away from them with my energy sapped out and I just feel like sleeping the entire day. Then there was once when I was going through depression and I withdrew from everyone around me, and they started calling me selfish, they felt upset with me for withdrawing from the entire world because they no longer have a listening ear anymore, everything is about them and their needs, they don't care about me I can't help but to feel used, so I decided to cut those people out from my life. Strangely enough, I haven't encountered much energy vampires ever since.

Yeah so my advice is to cut those people out of your life.

 

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

You're a type 9. They probably feel trust in your peacemaking vibe.

It's ridiculous.

I'm not the type to turn around and gossip about these people once they've unloaded on me....I think people sense this, so voila, I'm a good dumping ground for their emotional garbage so they can feel better and go on with their day. Of course I might feel awful for the rest of the day, but hey, at least I helped someone else get through their shit.

 

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

Haha, I agree that this is an INFs thing, I am an INFx myself and I used to encounter the same problem too. I am always the one who people unload their problems on, they often spend hours talking about their problems to me, and there are times when I need a listening ear too but they continued talking about their problems, my energy ended up getting sapped out after spending time with them because I am always busy listening to their problems. Then after finish unloading everything on me, they told me, "Hey thanks for listening, I feel so much better now!" whereas I walk away from them with my energy sapped out and I just feel like sleeping the entire day. Then there was once when I was going through depression and I withdrew from everyone around me, and they started calling me selfish, they felt upset with me for withdrawing from the entire world because they no longer have a listening ear anymore, everything is about them and their needs, they don't care about me I can't help but to feel used, so I decided to cut those people out from my life. Strangely enough, I haven't encountered much energy vampires ever since.

Yeah so my advice is to cut those people out of your life.

I've basically stopped keeping friends for similar reasons. My wife tells me to get out and make friends, but I just can't put myself through that. Friends exhaust me. The best friends I've had were musicians I could jam with. No one brought their drama to rehearsals, and if they did happen to be having a rough time, it was channeled into the music.

 

[ceecee]

It seems like everywhere I go, I run into someone who feels the need to unload their problems on me. I've seen the terms "emotional vampires" or "energy vampires" tossed around in various articles and forums and they are adequate descriptions of what these types of people do to me. It's exhausting and after a point I find it difficult to discern between my own feelings and "contaminants" picked up from said vampires. Any good advice on how to avoid or cope with these scenarios that doesn't involve me running away and living in a cave?

edit: this might be relevant to many introverts but I thought it might be of particular relevance to INFs.

Well, you won't like this but it's because you allow it. I know, I'm married to an ENFJ 9w8, I have seen him have this problem, at varying levels, for years. I understand you'll sit there shaking your head at what I'm saying but you only stand up and tell people to go fuck themselves and their problems when the issues have reached critical mass.

For your own mental health and well being, this has to happen much earlier. Of course it's exhausting, of course people can be emotional vampires and no you don't need to go live in a cave. You need to stand up for yourself and learn how to say no. Or maybe find an ENTJ 8 who can teach you.

 

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

Well, you won't like this but it's because you allow it. I know, I'm married to an ENFJ 9w8, I have seen him have this problem, at varying levels, for years. I understand you'll sit there shaking your head at what I'm saying but you only stand up and tell people to go fuck themselves and their problems when the issues have reached critical mass.

For your own mental health and well being, this has to happen much earlier. Of course it's exhausting, of course people can be emotional vampires and no you don't need to go live in a cave. You need to stand up for yourself and learn how to say no. Or maybe find an ENTJ 8 who can teach you.

Thanks for the advice.

Unfortunately, I might be wired to allow it. Basically I have to expend energy to be something I'm not to avoid something that stresses me out when I am myself. I can do this, but I'm concerned about the long-term effects on my health and mental well-being.

 

[Jaguar]

"Nurse?"
"Yes, doctor?"

"Scalpel."

 

[ceecee]

Thanks for the advice.

Unfortunately, I might be wired to allow it. Basically I have to expend energy to be something I'm not to avoid something that stresses me out when I am myself. I can do this, but I'm concerned about the long-term effects on my health and mental well-being.

What are you avoiding?

 

[Poki]

I've basically stopped keeping friends for similar reasons. My wife tells me to get out and make friends, but I just can't put myself through that. Friends exhaust me. The best friends I've had were musicians I could jam with. No one brought their drama to rehearsals, and if they did happen to be having a rough time, it was channeled into the music.

I am very picky about people I associate with. I thank God I am an introvert because I don't have this huge need to connect to a lot of people. I tend to just disappear from people's life and while I kinda feel bad, I really don't have the desire to connect to those people.. I am usually good with venting because I don't take it on personally or own it. I usually have other issues with people ghat drain me and I do try to avoid them as much as possible or I put up a wall.

 

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

What are you avoiding?

People's emotional garbage

 

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

Answering this as a probable 9w1, I experience this all of the time. It can be very annoying, because generally while I do not mind listening, it is difficult for me to really understand how to respond. I am shitty as all hell at it, and though I try to warn people ahead of time, they don't realize until they have spilt their deepest darkest secrets and I am just sitting there sputtering out some awkward nonsensical platitude-and this is after I have already said my own opinion (often unintentionally critical... Oops), so it turns into a mess. So we both end up losing.

Generally, I have found, that when people want to unload-that is all that they want to do, and all they really want is for you to be their pillar of sympathy. Which can be so draining. And so difficult, and filled with so much obligation. I personally rarely show emotion. Very, very, rarely IRL-it is just not natural for me to do so. But it is almost as if people think it is safe for me to swim in still water, yes it is, but just don't expect to get anywhere. Anyways, yeah I have experienced it-but I generally only experience it once from any one person-before they head for the hills.

That's a great metaphor (in bold)

 

[ceecee]

People's emotional garbage

So why can't you tell them you don't want to hear it? I was getting at this..

Basically I have to expend energy to be something I'm not to avoid something that stresses me out when I am myself.

when I asked what you are avoiding. Why do you think you have to be something you're not?

 

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

I wonder if the Eric Cartman approach would work

 

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

So why can't you tell them you don't want to hear it? I was getting at this..



when I asked what you are avoiding. Why do you think you have to be something you're not?

I was under the impression you were suggesting I emulate an ENTJ. I was mistaken.

 

[ceecee]

I was under the impression you were suggesting I emulate an ENTJ. I was mistaken.

No. I don't think that's even possible.

 

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

Thanks, all, for feedback and advice.

General consensus seems to be that there is no easy way to cope with this issue short of recognizing these people at a distance and thus avoiding situations where they might "corner" me and suck me dry.

I should start an online support group for other victims of energy/emotional vampires.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

Thanks, all, for feedback and advice.

General consensus seems to be that there is no easy way to cope with this issue short of recognizing these people at a distance and thus avoiding situations where they might "corner" me and suck me dry.

I should start an online support group for other victims of energy/emotional vampires.

I agree a lot with what ceecee said- but I'll add that ENTJish/8ish advice on the matter often falls short to me, mostly because it sounds a whole lot like "be more ENTJ 8ish, problem solved." ENTJ 8s don't mind the consequences that come with ENTJ 8 behavior, I do. Unfortunately. But I do very much agree that it's important to realize that you allow it, and the other stuff she wrote (about not letting it build up to critical mass).

The only time I have much of a problem myself is when someone doesn't pick up on the cues that I want them to leave me alone- that confounds me, because I don't begin to understand not picking up on those cues. I personally could stand to learn to be more direct for those times when someone isn't getting the message- but it's counterintuitive for me (because it feels over the top, like it's unnecessarily mean and/or even asking for drama). I can get really stuck with that.

Does that sound like the difficulty you have? Or do you have trouble letting it show they annoy you? Or do you not even realize you're getting drained while it's happening, you only notice later? [Not expecting a response here, I'm just saying these are the kinds of things to become more aware of in figuring out why you allow it.]

 

[Doktorin Zylinder]

They unload on you because you allow them to.

 

[PeaceBaby]

Thanks, all, for feedback and advice.

General consensus seems to be that there is no easy way to cope with this issue short of recognizing these people at a distance and thus avoiding situations where they might "corner" me and suck me dry.

I should start an online support group for other victims of energy/emotional vampires.

Something has changed for me in this dynamic and I wish I could articulate it well enough to share. I've been where you are, attracting people in need, thinking that I had to be what they needed in stress and in the middle of an unloading process. I too have felt (and sometimes still do feel) trapped by the needs of another person. But then, when I feel myself practically drowning in that person, I realize, wait, no, they don't need me to be what I think they need me to be, they don't need my persona of listening. They need connection with the real me, they are seeking a moment to feel that someone else really gets them. So, I then put all the thoughts of myself aside (like, oh goodness, this is so exhausting, when will they stop talking, when can I escape, can I handle all this pain I'm absorbing) and I just put all of that outside and look very deeply into them, just immerse myself in them and let all that they're feeling exist in me and really connect. Something about that is not exhausting. Something about that is so restorative and the energy seems boundless there. I guess I have been calling it just loving them. Like, really setting my defenses aside and really making a moment in there without limitation or concern. It seems good.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, hard to put the feeling into words. I don't think the point is about shutting people out, is all I am saying. So far, those folks I've connected this way with only need that intensity for a short time and they move forward, as opposed to the previous clingers I attracted seeking energy from me constantly and seemingly stuck there. I'm realizing it might be as much about me as them, in being stuck. Like we get stuck together.