[NF] Why Do NFs Apologize So Much?

[Arclight]

Maybe because they misbehave more, so they have to.

 

[Ethelred the Unready]

it lives! My old thread lives...!


...but why?

But why not?

 

[PeaceBaby]

An old thread ... brought back to life!

My first reaction to the post title:

I'm sorry, do we apologize too much?

My heavens, I saw the thread title and thought this exact same thought, and see I actually posted it in here last year too. So predictable.

 

[Totenkindly]

My heavens, I saw the thread title and thought this exact same thought, and see I actually posted it in here last year too. So predictable.

I'm really embarrassed with the times I have posted in a reborn necro thread just to realize I posted the exact same content in it two years prior. *doh*

 

[Athenian200]

I apologize a lot because I'm always saying things that I feel I need to apologize for. They always make sense when I say them, and then I feel stupid and mean for saying them as soon as someone pushes back. Because then I see it from their perspective, and resent myself for what I said.

There are also times when I don't apologize even though I know I should... sometimes someone picks on the wrong point, and then I can be too hurt to apologize, and then proceed to just tear them down. Perhaps not being hateful, but definitely attacking all their assumptions and values in a way that can't make them feel very good. Sometimes after this happens, I just try to distance myself from the person... because I'm too embarrassed that I'm not able to be civil with them due to how they make me feel.

This must be frustrating for you NTs... it probably seems that I often apologize when it's not necessary, and often don't when it is.

 

[Thalassa]

I apologize constantly to people that I like. It's because I want to them to like me, too.

It's also probably to make up for the fact that I would otherwise terrify them away with my mock-ESTJ belligerence.

 

[MonkeyGrass]

I was raised by an a remarkably argumentative father, which I suppose pounded the "apologize for everything" gene out of me. I usually only apologize unless I've truly done something wrong, and then, I don't apologize for the opinion that sparked the wrong behavior. I hate fake apologies, and can smell them a mile away...I especially hate when someone apologizes for their own opinion or for having a disagreement in the first place. I can absolutely disagree with someone strongly, and still feel OK with the relationship (as long as no one was inappropriate or abusive in any way). But then, in my home growing up, apology was a sign of weakness, so I've kind of learned to apologize more, not less.

I do tend to over explain myself, though, sometimes in a self-abasing way that irritates even me. I need to learn to trust the other person to ask clarifying questions if they need to, and take responsibility for their half of the relationship, without constantly trying to work out how I might be possibly misunderstood in the moment. I'm working on that.

 

[FakePlasticAlice]

I always attributed my over abundant apologies to my anxiety issues. It never really hit me that it could be type related. I've definitely been known to drive people crazy with the constant i'm sorrys. However, i have a flip side that is rather in your face blunt and doesn't feel the need to apologize every few minutes... i haven't seen her lately.. i miss her.

 

[Arclight]

I always attributed my over abundant apologies to my anxiety issues. It never really hit me that it could be type related. I've definitely been known to drive people crazy with the constant i'm sorrys. However, i have a flip side that is rather in your face blunt and doesn't feel the need to apologize every few minutes... i haven't seen her lately.. i miss her.

I'm sorry.. but that also might be because you're Canadian eh? Sorry, not that that is a bad thing.
I didn't mean to interrupt, I apologize .

 

[FakePlasticAlice]

I'm sorry.. but that also might be because you're Canadian eh? Sorry, not that that is a bad thing.
I didn't mean to interrupt, I apologize .

I'm sorry, i didn't mean to dirty this thread with my Candian-ness. Anxious NF Canadian...eep! My apologies to all...even my fellow Canadian above!

 

[EcK]

I hear it's a curse non tiertary Fe user are afflicted with.
I personally repeat 'there's no reason to be sorry' (when there isn't ) hoping it'll sink in. Well that's not exactly why I do it but it wouldn't be as much fun if I told you guys everything about my cunning ways

 

[BAJ]

Why?

For one example, sometimes I email and I have a bad feeling. Awkwardness...I want to fix it. So I send an email to fix that one.

Then I have awkwardness...a bad feeling...because of my apology or further communication, so I send a third one to fix the second one.

This has continued ten layers deep.

...I'm better now.

I started sending notes in the second grade, over 30 years ago.

Now I realize that it's not always good to give these notes to express your feelings or apologize to people.

One time in college, I gave someone a note to apologize for something in chemistry class. Then a group of people called me like at 1:00 AM, very drunk and giggly. They all thought my note was hilarious.

 

[HotpinkHeatwave]

I only apologize when something is my fault, or if I feel truly horrible. Like.. If I accidentally SOMEHOW punch a friend in the face.. I'd probably apologize a lot. Haha.
However.. When someone is in pain/something is wrong, I tend to apologize too.. Because, I feel bad.
Friend - "I have a horrible headache."
Me - "Aw, I'm sorry."

It's just because we care, and in a way.. We really are sorry. Not always because the blame is on us, or we've done something wrong.. But because we feel for you. We're sorry you're in a bad spot.

And if we have done something wrong, of course we're going to apologize like crazy. We feel even worse!

 

[chachamaru]

because i farted. and i can empathize with your discomfort because i'm familiar with the smell.

 

[mrcockburn]

I can see why they do it. When you stand up for yourself, especially if people don't expect you to, they'll swiftly and violently try to cut you down to a shell of a person until you're so lacking in self-esteem that you believe your rights and thoughts to be inferior to everyone else's. It's what happens when people react emotionally rather than respond to the facts presented in the assertion. Many people see it as a "sign of disrespect" that you DARE voice a concern or disagreement, no matter how impersonal the issue is.

No matter how impersonal and factual, assertiveness is NOT well-received. People will just try to wear you down.

(I'm pretty drrrrunk right now, so excuse my Fi for coming out like that)

 

[mochajava]

I can see why they do it. When you stand up for yourself, especially if people don't expect you to, they'll swiftly and violently try to cut you down to a shell of a person until you're so lacking in self-esteem that you believe your rights and thoughts to be inferior to everyone else's. It's what happens when people react emotionally rather than respond to the facts presented in the assertion. Many people see it as a "sign of disrespect" that you DARE voice a concern or disagreement, no matter how impersonal the issue is.

No matter how impersonal and factual, assertiveness is NOT well-received. People will just try to wear you down.

No, I would say this is reasonable, rather than drunken rambling. This is why it's important to assert yourself early and often, I suppose. And just get good at doing it in a way you're comfortable with. I find that I have a lot of pushback (as mrcockburn describes) whenever I try to assert myself, because I've usually been angry for a very long time before I say anything. It's typically diplomatic, but still. Maybe this is why the INFJ doorslam is something common enough to get its own phrase describing it!

 

[nolla]

There are only a handful of people that have ever heard me apologize in real life. I don't know if I apologize any more online, but if I do, it is because I am more prone to misinterpret things here due to the lack of nonverbal communication.

 

[freeeekyyy]

NFs are fine just the way they are. They're not NTs, there's no reason they need to be NTs. I think in many cases, they just really don't care to argue. When I argue with NFs, I often feel like I'm being cruel by "pushing my values on them." I'd rather not be cruel. There are plenty of NTs to argue with without getting the NFs involved.

 

[Sparrow]

I'm not normally mean or bitchy but I have my moments. I always feel bad after saying whatever I said so I feel the need to say sorry. I want to get along with most people . If someone was rude to me I would want them to apologize too! Otherwise I might have that screw that bitch or asshole mentality in the back of my mind towards them.

 

[Chloe]

Because hqrmony in relationships to NFs is like order to SJs