[NF] Why Do NFs Apologize So Much?

[Kyrielle]

Question

If someone accuses you that you apologize too much, do you apologize to other person because of that?

Done that. My friend who said that looked like he was about to implode from frustration. On the inside, I laughed.

 

[lane777]

I don't apologize as much as some NFs. But I'll willingly and happily abandon an argument upon encountering a little push-back.

I'll usually give one run-through of my side of the argument; if my position doesn't get any traction with the other party, then I'll drop it. I'm not going to spend a day typing messages to a stranger trying to tell him something he doesn't want to hear.

Arguing is a low priority with me. If anything, I need the other party to evince some obvious openmindedness and desire to hear more before I'll invest time and energy in an exchange.

Also, I don't feel bad backing off an argument. There's no loss of pride there. Since arguing is a low priority, my self-esteem isn't invested in the idea of winning or losing arguments.

FL

Diddo.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

I apologize online sometimes, but I almost never apologize in real life. Offline I am more dismissive and aggressive in arguments.

 

[GinKuusouka]

I apologize a lot more often online than I do off. Online it's easier to confuse things because of the lack of voice tone to give way the emotion behind what is being said. I also will apologize more frequently online than off because I wish to avoid confrontations (and the more cantankerous people) before one is started. It may depend on how strongly I feel about a subject on how much I shall fight, if necessary.

 

[Nillerz]

Sorry, our bad.

 

[quietmusician]

I like making sure that no one felt turned off by what I've said. So I do back track and use different words to describe what I'm saying. I don't want anyone to think I don't care.

 

[Virtual ghost]

I will resurrect this one.

Is this a defensive mechanism that has almost nothing with other people?
For example you know that the other person is not hurt but you will say you are sorry because of your own feeling.

 

[garbage]

Is this a defensive mechanism that has almost nothing with other people?
For example you know that the other person is not hurt but you will say you are sorry because of your own feeling.

You kind of phrase this as if nobody ever gets hurt by things that are said to them.

If I really know that they're not hurt, I probably won't bother apologizing just to assuage any negative feelings I have. But, believe it or not, people do get hurt sometimes.

But I wouldn't doubt that I've probably sometimes apologized when I thought the other person was hurt, but it was really just my own feelings all along.. I can usually read others' reactions pretty well, but I guess it can be somewhat difficult to separate my feelings from theirs at times.

 

[Lady_X]

i never apologize if i'm certain the other person wasn't offended...but i'm also aware of how often people keep things to themselves and i hate the idea of someone being upset and pretending not to be but then decides to be secretly mad at me about it...but most people really won't tell you...i don't know why...i just say it...i have no problem saying hey screw you that was rude as hell...i just like to get things sorted out so there's no misunderstanding...if other people would it would make it much easier for me and i wouldn't have to assume shit all the time...so really it's YOUR fault...haha

 

[Biaxident]

i never apologize if i'm certain the other person wasn't offended...but i'm also aware of how often people keep things to themselves and i hate the idea of someone being upset and pretending not to be but then decides to be secretly mad at me about it...but most people really won't tell you...i don't know why...i just say it...i have no problem saying hey screw you that was rude as hell...i just like to get things sorted out so there's no misunderstanding...if other people would it would make it much easier for me and i wouldn't have to assume shit all the time...so really it's YOUR fault...haha

Damn skippy!

 

[Totenkindly]

The resurrect of an old thread of mine is ironic: I just made a new INFP friend in December, and we're very close now, and it's a running joke between us how she is constantly saying, "Oh, I'm sorry," and otherwise apologizing in case she has said something offensive or hurtful.

I don't bring it up much now because I don't want her to be self-conscious, but it's definitely "Total Apology Island" on all channels, all the time.

 

[tommydystonic]

I guess i project my own feelings onto someone else and say i'm sorry. I have this idea that someone else is hurt or offended, but in all rationality you can never think someone elses thoughts. It can be very ocd sometimes.

 

[Virtual ghost]

The resurrect of an old thread of mine is ironic: I just made a new INFP friend in December, and we're very close now, and it's a running joke between us how she is constantly saying, "Oh, I'm sorry," and otherwise apologizing in case she has said something offensive or hurtful.

I don't bring it up much now because I don't want her to be self-conscious, but it's definitely "Total Apology Island" on all channels, all the time.

Well,
1.there is alot of new people
2.thread was inactive for some time.
3.I see the behaviour around the forum

 

[Antreus]

Sigh. The one thing I see in common in literally every NF I talk to online or in real life is that, as soon as they come out with a strong reaction to something, as soon as I push back on it (in a nice but firm way), they back-pedal and just seem to fold on me.

(I think Toonie is the only NF I can think of off the top of my head who does not consistently do this... but she always had to be different, you know. )

Sometimes NFs apologize to me just for expressing their viewpoint. My one RL friend apologizes to me for "getting angry" or "raising his voice" -- and somehow I missed his entire debacle. Even his worst outrages don't even equal half of the normal human being's slight glimmer of irritation.

I love y'all to death, NFs are some of my favorite people! Definitely more sufferable than some of the NTJ stuff that goes on.

But I don't understand. Why? I mean, I even love how sensitive NFs are to people in general... but sometimes it gets frustrating, when I want to talk about something or a discussion really needs to be had, or would be beneficial, so I "push" a little bit or just plunge into the conversation -- and instead of matching the push, the NFs just melt away.

Just... Oh, I don't know.

Here is how I feel about this. I usually try to establish rapport between people, usually this involves me putting myself out there, thus as a given sometimes I can be emotionally sensitive to things I say if they are not accepted.

Ways I do this are not limited but include: asking for help when none is needed, or asking questions that I already know the answer to.

Usually what I say and what I already know are completely different and sometimes I feel at odd misrepresenting myself.

I think when you hear someone apologizing I guess they are and can be in a way of establishing a rapport with you regardless if it demeans them because they value you as a person ( maybe, maybe not, depending ) In a way you can see it as humility. I think it is easy to misinterpret people sometimes. Don't know what else to say on that.

Depending if it is an abusive relationship or not or their experiences with being hurt this can be somewhat of a defensive-survival mechanic to establish equal footing for fear of being misunderstood or intentions unclear. I sometimes say the opposite of what I mean to say because again I am at odds with what I know and what I say I know.

I don't really apologize for what I say. People can see me as a bit waif, hypocritical at times because I say one thing and think another and it can confuse people. Sometimes I act dumb on purpose without realizing it and the perception is people don't take me as seriously as I would like as a result based on previous experiences with what I have said. I always try to integrate everything and find resolve in better understanding.

 

[prplchknz]

does it count if you say, "sorry" out of habit like in replace of "excuse me" ? but you don't actually mean it, just like "sorry, i wasn't listening" [but what you were saying was very boring] or "sorry" [that you were on your phone not paying attention and almost plowed me down] or like "sorry" [I have nothing else to respond so I'm just going to say sorry, even though I don't care but I'm pretending to]. But its not because I'm afraid that i've said something hurtful, unless I get a visceral reaction from someone and can see that what I've said has geniuenly hurted them.

ps I have not read all 12 pages too many to many

 

[garbage]

...

So, the word "sorry" to an INFP is like the word "smurf" to Smurfs. Got it.

 

[Bubbles]

So, the word "sorry" to an INFP is like the word "smurf" to Smurfs. Got it.

Haha, basically! That's the word I say the most every day. If I bump into someone, if I accidentally offend them, if I let them down, etc... Maybe I'm alone in this, but my conscience is merciless. If I'm mad at someone and I let it all out, immediately I regret it and apologize like a madwoman (or go home, toss and turn at night unable to sleep, and secretly do nice things for said person to make-up for it).

Guilt and embarrassment are the worst feelings for me, and guilt is worse, because it's my fault! I love people to little tiny bits, and I hate when I do things that are hateful instead of kind. There's enough hate going around, y'know? (Though don't misunderstand--we INFPs can hold grudges if they feel they're vindicated. If we've been severely provoked, then it's far less likely we'll be tossing and turning at night!)

So, in conclusion, yes, I'm an apology smurf.

 

[The Outsider]

I apologize for everything.

 

[Synapse]

Probably to cover my bases just in case anything I've said is taken the wrong way and definitely is a form of apology for action or thereof lack of action. It is I think our insecurity that gets us self conscious after the fact when in fact its unnecessary. I use the term less often these days and notes the times I do and analyze why should I be sorry for something when I've done nothing to be sorry about.

 

[heart]

Then again if we don't cave, we're called polarizers. Which just proves that people are never happy.