[INFJ] Why do INFJ's have a problem letting people close?

[amelie]

This has been puzzling me lately with an INFJ, I have started to hang around. It is like she layers herself up like an onion, and peeling back the layers is impossible because she always knows the right thing to say.

I am just curious why INFJs tend to have these problems. What is it that keeps them from letting others close? Is it a tendency to not believe that people care enough to be let close? Or fear of scaring the other person away with who they are? Or are you all just so passionate about things you see yourself as too close to your heart to pass out?

I guess, what I am really trying to get at here, is how can I let her know that it is okay to reveal herself to me? I suspect the answer may be letting her come to me on her own, and to really prove to her that I care.

But, what do the INFJs think? : )

There are lots of great insights in this thread! I definitely make sure people pass my tests before I let them in deeply. Generally, I want to know that they are trustworthy beyond doubt, sane, gentle, caring people, and yeah, only a few pass, and yeah, it can take months or years. Once I let someone in, I'm loyal for the long haul, so I'm very careful about who I choose. Also, maybe because we have the rarest type, I've always felt different in some ways than other people, and I have to be sure that I'm going to be understood. When I connect with people on a deep level like I do with close friends, it does expend a lot of emotional energy - so I can't do it with everyone; it would be too draining. And being the type of person who cares deeply about others opens you up to be taken advantage of if you aren't careful, so I've learned that guarding myself until someone proves worthy is the best way to be protective of myself.

One thing I think I see differently here is that I think how we present ourselves socially is part of our true selves. It's not an act. Everyone wears social masks to one extent or another; ours are just a little more difficult to see behind, but it is still who we are.

If someone were trying to get me to open up more, they would have to show that they were truly interested in who I am, and they would have to be trustworthy. And it would take time and the other person opening up first, thus demonstrating interest and emotional investment. It might not hurt to verbalize your desire to get to know her in some gentle kind of way, either.

Noz: - we're not trying to be mean!

 

[amelie]

The other person can be convinced we're bestest best friends, and the INFJ is sitting there inwardly groaning over the fact that they really aren't compatible.

How do INFJ's deal with this when it happens to you? I have a "friend" like this who just will not take the hint, even though I've turned down tons of invitations. She runs in the same circle, and will take some snippet of public conversation from, say, having our girls at dance together, and present it to my social group as though I've given it to her in confidence. She announced at happy hour with a group of friends, "Remember when you said our girls were like family?" which I hadn't exactly said. Everyone assumes we are best friends, and I don't even like this person! I can't bring myself to say something to her that would be hurtful, other than to just decline invites. Ugh. This is what happens with the screening test fail.

 

[redacted]

This has been puzzling me lately with an INFJ, I have started to hang around. It is like she layers herself up like an onion, and peeling back the layers is impossible because she always knows the right thing to say.

I am just curious why INFJs tend to have these problems. What is it that keeps them from letting others close? Is it a tendency to not believe that people care enough to be let close? Or fear of scaring the other person away with who they are? Or are you all just so passionate about things you see yourself as too close to your heart to pass out?

I guess, what I am really trying to get at here, is how can I let her know that it is okay to reveal herself to me? I suspect the answer may be letting her come to me on her own, and to really prove to her that I care.

But, what do the INFJs think? : )

It just sounds like she doesn't trust you. It is possible she only trusts 0-2 people in the world, so you can't take it personally.

(This is partially me giving myself advice. I'm finishing up dating an INFJ right now.)

 

[Intricate Mystic]

It just sounds like she doesn't trust you.

I agree.

Trust is paramount for me. If I think someone is being dishonest or manipulative, I close up like a clam shell. In contrast, people who are very sincere cause half of the layers of my onion-ness to just fly off of their own accord.

 

[simulatedworld]

I think that when INFJs commit emotion to someone, be it friend or romance or family member, that is idealized as a deep bond that transcends words. It takes a LOT of energy. INFPs do this, but not to the same degree, it seems.

The whole "INFJ doorslam" thing is because INFJs can't help but experience the pains and pleasures, the ups and downs of everyone else's lives. If a friend seems intent on self-destruction and totally refuses help, the INFJ cannot in good conscience continue to sit by and do nothing while a friend goes down in flames. The relationship must be severed.

In short, they care too much.

And so they don't let people in readily at all.

 

[Saffronsocks]

I agree.

Trust is paramount for me. If I think someone is being dishonest or manipulative, I close up like a clam shell. In contrast, people who are very sincere cause half of the layers of my onion-ness to just fly off of their own accord.

haha, I've had that happen! And it's kinda like, "huh. where'd they go?" and the other person isn't even necessarily aware that anythings changed!

 

[violaine]

This has been puzzling me lately with an INFJ, I have started to hang around. It is like she layers herself up like an onion, and peeling back the layers is impossible because she always knows the right thing to say.

That is just how INFJ are naturally... layered and self-contained.

I am just curious why INFJs tend to have these problems. What is it that keeps them from letting others close? Is it a tendency to not believe that people care enough to be let close? Or fear of scaring the other person away with who they are? Or are you all just so passionate about things you see yourself as too close to your heart to pass out?

It doesn't occur to me that someone will have an abiding interest until they do. I regard most interactions as polite formality until someone shows a particular interest. As much because I know I can be a little aloof and am aware that that makes me appear inaccessible at first glance. I don't think of it as a problem but there is something that doesn't sit well with me about opening up too soon to people. I don't like being known intimately unless we have a more substantial relationship or we feel naturally compatible.

An INFJ can be almost obliviously happy to take their time getting to know someone whereas an ENTP can be go, go, go. It's a slight hurdle to overcome sometimes during the 'getting-to-know-you' phase.

I guess, what I am really trying to get at here, is how can I let her know that it is okay to reveal herself to me? I suspect the answer may be letting her come to me on her own, and to really prove to her that I care.

Just be consistent. I know with very extroverted and sociable people I can feel like they regard me just like their many other acquaintances. So I will keep things light with them until the relationship deepens. I guess if you show her you are interested in her deeper thoughts through conversation she may open up. Especially if you are only having those kinds of conversations with her. Should be quite a natural thing for ENTP/INFJ who are well-disposed toward each other.

 

[the state i am in]

disappointment, eventual boredom, inner agenda doesn't really match those of others around me, not skilled in social positioning exploration and finding the right people, insecurity about revealing true self, etc.

i find that a big huge yet underwritten aspect of my social life and relationship life has involved just not knowing the right people. and not being easy-going enough to kinda smooth things over and investigate without putting so much pressure on myself, the relationship, others. it's a myriad of factors, but a lot of the problems and hangups dissolve when you meet the right people. other iNtuitives is the biggest difference, and other nfs are especially easy to trust. it's just easier to communicate, you don't have to say it all but they still see the arrow pointing to something, etc.

i'm realizing now too that one of the greatest challenges in the life of an nf is revealing his/her true self. i feel like the artistic inclination toward life is to document yourself, there's a quotation from leonard cohen that if you do it well enough it will stop being you and stand in for everyone. i think that's what we are capable, dealing with the currency of the humanities and the arts, and learning how to withstand the pressure of leading the way/showing people how to live/revealing the little hidden truths in human life by using ourselves as the nude models/test dummies.

yet the eyes exhaust and sometimes frighten us, and rejecting the values we put forth feels like a rejection of who we are and the particular ways we value ourselves, others, humanity, our friends and loved ones, etc. it feels very alienating to have those severed and pieces removed, the deepest infrastructure for meaning and social meaning (ethics) and love/compassion that we have in place.

 

[mwv6r]

I have trouble letting people close, and it frustrates me that I'm like that. I think it's due to a combination of protecting myself from getting hurt and seeking authenticity to a fault. There have been many crossroads when I could have expended effort into keeping up or deepening a casual friendship but chose not to because I felt that it wasn't authentic -- not that the person was inauthentic, I like people very much, but something about reaching out to them felt fake to me. In recent years I've tried to make myself get over that so that I can have a richer web of friends and not be so over-connected to my romantic partner, which from what I've read it appears us INFJs have a tendency to do! It is still difficult for me though, because I'll "put myself out there" with a person to try to connect more, but if I sense (or imagine) any reticence or disinterest on their part, I feel hurt and have to fight the urge to withdraw from them completely. I have a tough time connecting with other introverts because my mentality is, 'well I'll reach out to them once and then if I don't get anything back I'll stop trying.' I have a much easier time with extroverted friends because they don't mind initiating social contact and have no qualms about calling me up after a long time apart or after an awkward situation. I do wish I could get out of my shell more; I think I'm getting better about that but it is a slow, lifelong process...

To the poster: if you ever end up in a serious romantic relationship with your INFJ friend, you're going to know them better than anyone you've known in your entire life, because we pour ourselves heart and soul into committed relationships. (Might wanna be careful what you wish for, lol, we can be pretty damn intense!)

 

[Fidelia]

Yes, I identify with everything mwv6r just said!

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

To the poster: if you ever end up in a serious romantic relationship with your INFJ friend, you're going to know them better than anyone you've known in your entire life, because we pour ourselves heart and soul into committed relationships. (Might wanna be careful what you wish for, lol, we can be pretty damn intense!)

x 1000

 

[mszoe]

I have nothing new to offer. Ditto to all the INFJs who stated that they personally do not have issues with emotional or physical intimacy, explaining that we move at our own pace and indeed we have conscious and subconscious screening process.

So dear ENTP, just let her move at her own pace. If she makes it clear that the current state is her comfort zone, then please do respect her. Sure enough if she decides to let you into her inner world, you will find it lovely (and also intense as others have mentioned).

 

[istina]

I can definitely identify and agree with all of the posts thus far. For me, though, I think there's an additional aspect.

I hate the idea of many, many people really knowing me. There have been people in the past I've let know different things about me that are very personal and the friendship didn't last. All of the friendships ended for various reasons, but now there's someone out there that knows me. I want to take it back. I want to erase everything they know about me because they're no longer in my inner-circle. So, as I've gotten older, to make sure that doesn't happen, I've become extremely selective with who gets to know me. I want to make sure (to a certain degree) they're worth it. I want only those I choose to really know me. Like everyone else has been saying, being trustworthy is the first sign of someone being worth it. If I tell you something, I'm telling you. I expect it to stay between us and not shared with anyone else.

If she does get to a point where she starts sharing a little bit with you, ask questions. Try to understand the whole picture. A lot of times I'll share something with someone, but I won't give them the entire picture or how I felt about it unless they ask. Asking lets me know that they really do care enough to know what I have to share.

The great thing about INFJs is that we really long to find someone to tell everything to. We're not likely to hold back anything when you've proven yourself worthy. So, be genuine, show interest, and stick to her long enough and you might get to that point.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

^Yup.

 

[LadyJaye]

The great thing about INFJs is that we really long to find someone to tell everything to. We're not likely to hold back anything when you've proven yourself worthy. So, be genuine, show interest, and stick to her long enough and you might get to that point.

My INFJ ex played things very close to the chest for quite a while, but when we started dating, he would suddenly tell me all sorts of crazy things that I never thought I'd ever hear coming out of his mouth. It was pretty funny, and never failed to surprise me a bit.

 

[TheEmeraldCanopy]

I think they just don't want to get hurt or invest time into something that they don't think will really go anywhere.

Plus, I don't think they really think of themselves as all that interesting (not saying that they aren't interesting.) They would much rather be out making a difference in the world than talking about themselves...

^(I'm sorry if this was already suggested.)

 

[Skyward]

I think they just don't want to get hurt or invest time into something that they don't think will really go anywhere.

Plus, I don't think they really think of themselves as all that interesting (not saying that they aren't interesting.) They would much rather be out making a difference in the world than talking about themselves...

^(I'm sorry if this was already suggested.)

I would agree, but this is in the context that 90ish percent of the population really doesn't fathom, or care of, the depths I can go.

"An artist seeks an audience" and I don't want my greatest, most on-going work of art, my inner self, to be seen or handled by people who I don't think find it interesting in the right way. I will give teaser glimpses to see how they react and to see if the reaction is fair. The better they stand up to the rigorous, and secret, testing, the more likely they will be able to see the sculpture in its current form.

Besides, What artist wants his audience to pass by and say idly: "Oh that's nice" without truly taking in the detail when the artist is totally devoted to the perfection of it? It's almost, if not, a slap in the face.

An example is me. I'm pretty much a lanky, poorly trimmed goofball on the outside, but on the inside I'm a whole other beast.

 

[Werewolfen]

I enjoy my mysteriousness , and have always been that way since my mid teens. I don't like betrayal of my trust, I have many relatives that I don't give a damn about and haven't even been to either of my uncles houses since they moved about 10 -12 years ago nor do I even know where they live nor care too. There are very few people I want knowing about me, there aren't many genuine people and when you've had your trust stepped on a few times you tend to put up a guard, and my guard is solid like a rock.

I've been lied to many times, not just relationships , but business dealings such as mechanic shops, retail sales people, doctors, attorneys, landlords, employers, people who were supposed to be friends, even relatives, especially when money was in the equation. My intuition is high, the older I get the wiser I get. I can tell when I'm being set up to be conned most of the time.

My memory is far better than the average person, I would say beyond just "good" , closer to great, almost photographic. It has been a blessing but also a curse, I remember being lied to and cheated, even when I was a kid. Before you get into my circle , I will study you, test you, even study your acquaintances , I will learn you inside out, then if I like you, you'll only get to be close to me over time, but if you are in my inner circle I will die for you , that's what length a true friend should go to if necessary.

 

[LotsOfHeart]

I personally actually want to let people get close to me, because I really want to have friends and have people like me. I always used to dream of being popular. Only one time can I remember ever really being in the "in-crowd", and in that case I wasn't really in, I was just close. It was, in my opinion, strictly for conditional reasons, thus making things extremely flimsy.

But, I digress....

I have no problem letting people get close. I actually like to feel strongly bonded with other people. However, if a person comes on too strong I can have issues. Mind you, my sense of "coming on too strong" is VERY lenient. I can tolerate talking and hanging out multiple times per week, as long as it isn't every day or (God forbid) multiple times per-day. I have had a few times people would not give me any space at all. This really bothered me a lot. Anyone who seems like they might be one of these people, in my life, is going to get some serious leariness from me. There's a certain cluelessness to it. People who aren't in tune with the needs of others and seem to show no curiosity towards such a subject bother me as close friends. They might be perfectly nice people, but I will avoid letting them get close, because they have historically wasted a lot of my time and gotten me into trouble. I value knowing that my life is headed in the right direction.

I have had some chaotic people in my life and my instincts always told me to shut them out. My instincts were right. If I had continued to let those people live in my world, my life would have been a mess. I love fulfilling the needs of others, but I don't like to sacrifice all enjoyment in my life.

That said, I haven't had too many true friends anyway, or even people who were willing to make the effort, so historcially I have given pretty much anyone a chance to be my friend. I accept pretty much anyone. I just don't like people who invade my space and screw up my life by adding chaos to it. However, these people are in the vast minority. I've been friends with about four obvious space invaders in my life. They all eventually got shut out in some way or another, or I just minimized interaction with them to avoid hurting their feelings.

I think as a whole, INFJs like to feel that their talents and abilities are understood and appreciated. They like to feel understood, and not judged for behavior which may seem unorthodox to some other types. I also like for people to be laid-back, non-probing, open to giving me a little bit of space.

 

[LotsOfHeart]

Another thing, I think I might add...Just occurred to me.

Being an INFJ is often not easy. How easy is it to be an introvert in an extroverted world? A feeler in a thinking world? An intuitive in a sensing world? The RAREST personality type? Do you know how it feels to feel (almost) completely alone most of your life? Knowing that there is almost no one who shares your view of the world? Being one of the very most dissatisfied in relationships (along with our INFP siblings)? Have you spent your whole life determined to do the right thing when most people around you refused to take responsibility for their actions (and often got away with it)? A sincere person in an insincere world? The list goes on...Trust me....

This may sound maudlin, but it's not easy to live in a world that is so twisted from what you believe in so strongly. It's not easy to share these frustrations either, because most people don't understand and never could unless they walked in your shoes for a while.

So, if you have an INFJ friend, please understand they probably want to like you a lot, but it's not easy to trust just anyone because lots of INFJs have been hurt a lot in their lives. Please be patient, understanding and loyal. If you're dealing with a good INFJ, it's more than worth the effort (which isn't that extreme anyway)...