[Jungian Cognitive Functions] why do infjs care so much about people/relationships/interactions

[peppermint13]

i'm new to all this, so maybe it's been covered elsewhere in another thread, or in a profile somewhere online. if so, feel free to point me in that direction and i'll be on my way

but if anyone else can relate to this...here's my question:

i'm not insecure, clingy, or have self esteem issues. i've got my flaws, as does everyone, but in the scheme of things, i'm not so bad i'm confident in myself, i'm happy with who i am, look for areas of improvement, and try to keep all that in perspective. and i work to make sure those around me are happy and harmonious.

and yet, i have this (sometimes irrational-seeming) need to connect with people *positively*, to improve relationships, etc. and it seems that i, more than most, stress over potential misunderstandings or tensions in relationships. can anyone relate to this (other infjs)? do you find that relationships (either that you're in, or that you observe amongst others) are more important to you than to others? how do you deal with the stress of being the one who notices and cares?

(this may also be a wild extrapolation to all infjs...feel free to point if it doesn't really apply. like i said, new to all this

 

[disregard]

Extraverted Feeling.

 

[scantilyclad]

Extraverted Feeling.

indeed.

 

[peppermint13]

hm. if either of you, or anyone else, has the time and inclination to elaborate on this, it'd be most appreciated. but very nice to know, at least, that there's an inkling of shared experience here...

any infjs have tips on how to reign this in? or how you manage to juggle all that this tendency entails?

 

[disregard]

Extraverted Feeling - Considering others and responding to them. The extraverted Feeling process is used in relation to particular people and situations and so has a more here-and-now quality than a universal, future, or past quality. When particular people are out of our presence or awareness, we can then adjust to new people or situations. This process helps us "grease the wheels" of social interaction. Often, the process of extraverted Feeling seems to involve a desire to connect with (or disconnect from) others and is often evidenced by expressions of warmth (or displeasure) and self-disclosure. The "social graces" such as being polite, being nice, being friendly, being considerate, and being appropriate often revolve around the process of extraverted Feeling. Associated behaviors might include remembering birthdays, finding just the right card for a person and selecting a gift based on what a person likes. Keeping in touch, laughing at jokes when others laugh, and trying to get people to act kindly to each other also involve extraverted Feeling. Using this process, we respond according to expressed or even unexpressed wants and needs of others. We may ask people what they want or need or self-disclose to prompt them to talk more about themselves. This often sparks conversation and lets us know more about them so we can better adjust our behavior to them.

Jungian Function Theory

An assortment of related links:

Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted Feeling

 

[peppermint13]

okay, so clearly i've asked a rather elementary question.

thanks for the posts and the patience

 

[disregard]

No, you didn't. You asked lots of great, complex questions. I only addressed the one in the title of the thread.

 

[Griffi97]

Yes, Peppermint, there are others here who share your pain. It pretty much sucks.

I wish I didn't care so much about whether or not people like me. I even go through periods when I try to tell myself I don't care. But they never last long.

I have been upset for weeks to months, even years, after a fight or blow-up with a friend or aquaintance. The closer the friend, the longer the pain. I wish I could just write that crap off, but it is very, very difficult for me.

On the bright side, Fe helps us connect and care about others, and I think overall that's a good thing.

 

[gokartride]

Not sure if this gets at the question, but I have this weird foundational belief in essential human dignity and I think this is what drives my trying, inasmuch as it relies on me, to keep relationships positive. This means being polite, listening, imparting dignity by way of my attention and concern to all....from my boss to the cleaning lady. I've been this way for a long time and is does seem to have an overall good effect.

That said, I know there are a few people who don't like me for one reason or another. I treat them well, too, so I suspect their dislike is based on their own issues/perspective rather than mine. I leave them to sort out their own affairs...which in itself is a sign of repect. Some things just take time...and some things never happen at all.

Since I have little to fret over regarding relationships, I have little to care, or not care, about....things just rock along pretty smoothly.

 

[wedekit]

That said, I know there are a few people who don't like me for one reason or another. I treat them well, too, so I suspect their dislike is based on their own issues/perspective rather than mine. I leave them to sort out their own affairs...which in itself is a sign of repect. Some things just take time...and some things never happen at all.

Yes. In fact, I go out of my way to be nice to people who don't like me. I like to do it in front of a whole lot of people to, that way none of them can honestly say that I'm not a kind person. They can hold any grudge they want.

People who don't like my integrity are usually the people who end up not liking me. Some people see me being nice to people I don't like as being phony, but I see it as being professional and civil. I used to cower beneath the idea of someone not liking me. Now that I have a little more confidence in myself I just brush it off the best I can.

But yeah, I wish I didn't care about other people so much in general.

 

[redacted]

seems pretty common among INFJs.

makes sense, since Fe is the way we choose words and actions to implement Ni vision.

 

[DigitalMethod]

I care a lot about the people in my life.
I care a lot about the relationships in my life.
I care a lot about the interactions in my life.

 

[MrRandom]

One might say I have a lot of self-confidence. On the other hand, I don't... and I dwell endlessly in little things and even the smallest signs of "not being liked". It's a mixed issue. I care about people and their opinions on a deep level, and that affects my self-confidence.

I'm the type of person who says "I don't care", but I can never stop caring. Sometimes I wish I could... but overall... this level sensitivity can be a huge asset.

 

[Wrath Mania]

I told an INFJ I knew once... you want to fix the people you care about and fight the injustices in the world you see so badly, but you can only go so far before it wears you too thin, and you have to recharge. Don't be ashamed of the fact you need your inner eye, your intuition, to recharge often. Don't spread yourself too thin, because you're always making a difference without being a martyr. Your inner eye is your greatest gift, a beautiful thing, so don't shun it out of guilt.

...our relationship never panned out. But damn it I still think I was dead on:steam:

 

[cafe]

I told an INFJ I knew once... you want to fix the people you care about and fight the injustices in the world you see so badly, but you can only go so far before it wears you too thin, and you have to recharge. Don't be ashamed of the fact you need your inner eye, your intuition, to recharge often. Don't spread yourself too thin, because you're always making a difference without being a martyr. Your inner eye is your greatest gift, a beautiful thing, so don't shun it out of guilt.

...our relationship never panned out. But damn it I still think I was dead on:steam:

It does sound like good advice. The bad thing is, and this may be just me, I have to learn these things at my own pace. If I'm not at the right place in my life, no amount of the most sage advice in the world really helps me.

 

[Wrath Mania]

It does sound like good advice. The bad thing is, and this may be just me, I have to learn these things at my own pace. If I'm not at the right place in my life, no amount of the most sage advice in the world really helps me.

Nah, it's definitely not just you. I kind always sensed this was the case deep down, but to hear it from someone else makes it a bit of a revelation. A good one mind ye. Thanks.

Although I did think I tell her "eventually you'll probably come to see...", and prefaced it like that... but who wants to have their development forecasted anyways? Ah, this is why I must be an NTP

 

[Domino]

I told an INFJ I knew once... you want to fix the people you care about and fight the injustices in the world you see so badly, but you can only go so far before it wears you too thin, and you have to recharge. Don't be ashamed of the fact you need your inner eye, your intuition, to recharge often. Don't spread yourself too thin, because you're always making a difference without being a martyr. Your inner eye is your greatest gift, a beautiful thing, so don't shun it out of guilt.

...our relationship never panned out. But damn it I still think I was dead on:steam:

Like Cafe said, easier said than done. *shakes head*

It's knee jerk. We have to consciously fight it, which can be exhausting, at least for me. Sometimes I'm confronted with an aversion-aversion choice between saving myself or saving someone else. It's not my job to dip souls out of the Styx, but I can't control the urge to do it because rot and mortality offend me so deeply.

 

[cafe]

Mmhmm. It's hard to grand yourself equality with the people you see suffering and nurture yourself as you would nurture anyone else. It's something I'll probably always struggle with, but I believe I've made progress in the last several years.

The knowledge that I'm strong, stronger than many, makes me feel as if I should bear more because I can, but sometimes doing that costs those closest to me, because my strength and energy are (oops!) finite. It's hard, but necessary, to learn to prioritize.

 

[Domino]

I don't know about you, Cafe me lass, but I have difficulty knowing where my event horizon is, where the point of no return is. I don't see the needle battering the red line until I'm almost spent, and usually by then, it's my twin that's dragged me away and told me to disengage (sometimes like smacking a newspaper over a bulldog that's locked on to something...). I've learned self-preservation skills gradually over time, but I need so many more.

 

[cafe]

I don't know about you, Cafe me lass, but I have difficulty knowing where my event horizon is, where the point of no return is. I don't see the needle battering the red line until I'm almost spent, and usually by then, it's my twin that's dragged me away and told me to disengage (sometimes like smacking a newspaper over a bulldog that's locked on to something...). I've learned self-preservation skills gradually over time, but I need so many more.

I've gotten a lot better about it because I guess I'm getting old and don't have the energy I used to.

It doesn't seem like I do that much around the house and the kids and husband are pretty low maintenance at this point, but yeah, I got myself in trouble just a couple of weeks ago. Totally, desperately exhausted and it takes me days to recover once I get to that point.