What is 4's core?

[Animal]

My lifestyle and philosophy can be summed up:

Alone we are all one. Self-expression is a mirror in which others can see themselves. Know thyself, express thyself; merge with the cosmos.

This is not some motivational poster-phrase, it’s something I discovered through exploring myself deeply over many years. Parts of this phrase emerged while tripping, during very hard times, in extreme circumstances.

To quote my typing thread from a year ago:

On a deeper level, I live to expose my true self through my work. I feel I’m a vessel through which songs and stories emerge. The content serves as a mirror. It exposes parts of myself that are buried deep within my subconscious, and which might otherwise remain unnoticed. In sharing my work, I hope to function as a mirror for others. What success means, to me, is knowing that my fight to sing on my album, despite speaking in a whisper, has inspired someone else to create her own artwork. Success is hearing someone quote my lyrics or reference my stories because it expresses something SHE is feeling. I want people to see themselves in my work, rather than merely seeing “me.” I want to touch on something universal. And, through bearing my own soul, I hope to inspire others to express themselves honestly, and to pursue their dreams against all odds.

If this sounds ‘self-glorifying’ it’s because I dug into myself for years and came to embrace what I once despised. Mirroring - also known as introjection - is an asset and a fault, depending how you look at it. My friend used to call me “Echo” in jest. I was both relieved that someone understood me and insecure that someone saw through me. I felt weak, transparent, exposed. I wrote songs & stories about it. Over the years I came to appreciate this as an honest part of what makes me me. Embracing and using the mirror is being true to myself. Wielding my power. Practicing a craft is polishing the vessel.

I’ve made people cry because I embodied their essence so thoroughly in lyrics or fictional work. When I watch a movie that pulls me, I AM the protagonist. When someone’s tale of suffering pulls me, I am suffering, I am her. This is part of who I am, and doesn’t make me less of who I am. Not every person or experience stands out, but the parts of the world that I notice, that shape me and fuel me, get mirrored in myself and my work. I watch myself evolve in this artistic mirror, and my experiences and influences are part of that evolution of self. I express my will, heart, and mind. I am Øne, everyone and no one: human, animal and symbol at once. I am my past, present and future. I am my experiences. I am the here and now. I am my perspective. I absorb and consume and reflect back to the world what it gives me, shaped and colored by my own looking glass. Like an abstract, fantastical painter who says “I draw what I see.” A phoenix; absorbing everything around me and expanding until the creative purge explodes and I am reborn.

At my core is a mirror. A vampire at my worst, a vessel at my best. If I seek anything beyond carnal indulgence, it’s mirroring. Connectivity through absorption and expression. “Alone, we are all øne.”

(Holy origin?)

Claims about 4s that I don’t relate to:

I don’t seek a rescuer.
I am my own worst enemy and my own greatest hero. Hopelessly independent and responsible for my own actions. In a relationship I seek an equal; a mirror.

A physicist once said to me, “I want to wake up next to someone and talk physics.” I, too, want to wake up next to someone inside our shared inner world. Intimacy is more than just talking about ideas. The deepest, truest bond is thought-children: influencing each other creatively. Being the phoenix who flies through his mind-palace; spotting castles shaped like his palace on my home planet. My projects can be mine and his can be his, but ideally, our ideas and dialogue would fuel each other and have a presence in each other’s imagination. Shared influence, shared inspiration. This is building a life or a home together. I don’t care about possessions. Creativity *is* my home. Dreams are my home.

My emotions are not crippling and I am not addicted to them.
I am rational and responsible, passionate about my passions, calm and in control in a crisis. I thrive on lust, rage, pain or anything real, but I don’t need constant “extreme emotional states.”

I take emotions as they come, delve into them alone and express them in my work. I have ample passion to fuel my creativity, but I rarely feel crippled by emotion. The exception is when I’m becoming vulnerable to a man. This is crippling. I don’t fall in love or fly in love. I burn. And I can’t control the power of my feelings. I am allergic to letting anyone control me, so I wall off from him and become outwardly timid but inwardly explosive. Once I get past that phase, and either get over him or learn to trust him, then I even out to my usual passionate but rational self.

I don’t edit myself to get validation or acceptance.
I’m human and I love to be appreciated as much as anyone. But I’d rather be rejected for what I am than loved for what I’m not. And what I am is up to me, only me.

I am a tigress; a cat who swims and fights on hind legs, hunts on my own terms. I am self-expressive, self-absorbed, even conceited. Take it or leave it. Most people don’t exist to me. I am respectful by default, regardless how others behave, because that’s who I am. I may not like you but I’ll be humane, and if you cross me, I will - with all due respect - train you not to do it again. I am flattered and pumped by adversaries, and love to argue, but it’s nearly impossible to hurt my feelings unless I let you. I don’t edit who I am for anybody - though I keep to myself when I’m vulnerable. I am usually single, and not for lack of options. Unless someone really pulls me, I prefer having freedom to focus on my personal passions. I don’t need a rescuer or a boyfriend to validate my self-worth, fill some lack or provide emotional fuel. Never did. Sex, adventures, flirting and cuddling are an indulgence but not a necessity, and they are dangerous and potentially lead to pain and turmoil. He better be worth it.

I don’t want to be someone else and would not switch lives with anyone if given the chance.
Mirroring is not wishing I were someone else. It is a way to get control by taking on the aspects I want for myself. At its most base it is a demented expression of a bond, a way to get love. Understanding someone so well that I can see the world through his eyes. This is my power, my control, my vampiric surrender.

I’m not perfect. I’m well aware. But I’m me, and I would not want to be anyone else. Show me a person who is perfect and I’ll be bored. Show me a person who is more than me at everything I am and better at everything I do, and I’ll explore their essence, learn their ways, and do it better. I might admire certain traits, and I might be incensed that someone crushes me at this or that, but would I give up the entirety of what I am to be that person? Nope.. haven’t encountered that person yet. Can’t imagine it. Even my fictional characters are beautifully and horridly flawed, just as I am. People ask me why I don’t do happy endings? My work is a mirror. Life is adversity; the strong face it head on and the weak get crushed.

I’m rarely depressed and I don’t feel sorry for myself.
I delve into my darkness, no matter how painful; express it in my work, process it, face it head-on, conquer it. I cherish this process and consider myself lucky to have the strength for it. I see myself as someone who has been to hell and back, and beats the odds senseless.

I can get quite hung up and emotional, even about things that happened years ago - though even at my worst, I cycle through various emotions, and I would hardly qualify as ‘depressed.’ I confess I can be extremely self-deprecating and implore myself for past mistakes I can no longer fix. This inspires me to dig deeper into myself to look my weakness in the eye, face it head on, and weed out the root of the problem to avoid a repeat or at least, if I can’t change it, to be self-aware.

I don’t think there is “something wrong with me.”
Not wrong, different. Everyone else is lost and I, alone, am found.

I am apt to feel I was born in the wrong era on the wrong planet. Nobody speaks my language. If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, does it make a sound? [Yes, it does.] All the more reason to hold out for a partner who 'hears me' as I 'hear him.'

I have two states of mind on this topic. These are both quotes from poems I wrote in my teens.

1. “Everyone else is lost and I, alone, am found.”
2. “Alone, we are All Øne.”

 

[Chad of the OttomanEmpire]

Great post! Thought I'd just chime in as a 4w5 who hates stereotypes.

I actually do experience the sense that I am deficient and deprived in some ways, and it has caused me a lot of torment and anger at myself. I get the sense I am doing something wrong socially, but I don't know what. I assume others can see it more readily than me, that it's the reason they reject me, and that this is the reason my life has been boring and unfulfilling.

Naturally, this makes me a bit self-conscious and gives me a sense of despair about myself. And I have indeed pitied myself for being in this position. Yet I am convinced the majority of this has stemmed from being "bored"--not being in the real world and actually dealing with life. Hence, I was a typical ennui-ridden high school and college student.

The others ring true to me, however--I do not seek a rescuer, at least as a romantic ideal. Sometimes, I feel clueless enough socially that I like someone else to take the initiative. This hardly equates to "seeking a rescuer" however.

I've never identified myself by my emotions, and this was a deal-breaker for many years--I can't possibly be a 4 now!! My emotions do not make me more "special" than others, nor have I entertained the notion that mine were somehow "stronger" or "more authentic" than others. They're just there and probably annoy others more than they annoy me. I am certainly not "irrational" and resent condescending advice to 4s on these grounds. My mind is clever and sharp, and I understand logic and The Real World.

I do not edit myself for others, either. Actually, this is something I've had to learn to acquire in life, since I once missed out on something that was important to me due to my general inability to change. It feels like selling out to do so, but at least I know I can beat others at their own game.

Nor am I chronically depressed (I do have major depressive downswings when I am bored, and I really do feel a sense of despair over myself sometimes, but this seems to be a part of my general emotional processing rather than a clinical problem). Others do see me as "depressive" and "a downer", but I am inclined to think they can't handle reality. I've certainly never been stuck in bed for days on end mulling over old regrets, anyway. I am fully functional, always, and if I ever spend days in bed due to depression (not clinical depression which is another story, but 4ish depression) I will end my life promptly thereafter since clearly I am worthless.

I'd also add that I do not see myself as a privileged, entitled thing with greater sensitivities and more unique talents than the rest of humanity. I sometimes think of myself as being "magical", but generally not as a sense of identity.

Anyway, great post, I just wanted to chime in a bit. Let's break the stereotypes!!

 

[Chad of the OttomanEmpire]

Also, I am not an artist. I have no desire to be one. I'm an adventurer. I explore life and do justice. My life is it's own work of art.

 

[Animal]

"My life is its own work of art" - I feel this way in addition. The art is just part of my life. But actually.. that is really interesting because I've been working on a fictional character who is a triple-reactive 4 and has this mentality. Remind me to talk to you about this on Skype.

I'll comment on the rest a little later

 

[Chad of the OttomanEmpire]

YAY! Feel free to ask me anything on Skype. I'll be around whenever.

 

[grey_beard]

It's 4:30 AM and I've had insomnia, so I'm in a strange mood.

Your bolded comment


Alone we are all one. Self-expression is a mirror in which others can see themselves. Know thyself, express thyself; merge with the cosmos.

reminded me of the old joke,

"Did you hear about the Zen Buddhist who walked into the pizza parlour, and said, "Make me one with everything?"

Or on a more serious note, (at the risk of offending you, since you are a musician, and yet I don't know your genre or style...!)

have you tried listening to Bruce Cockburn's Making Contact?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNaJFHufWks