[ENFP] Vindictive ENFP's

[thescientist]

Are you guys normally vindictive? Or is this a sign of an immature ENFP? OMG It drives me batshit insane.

It's like tit for tat or "oh yeah? i'll show you!". And then they get angry when I call them children! :rolli:

I mean I've experienced it with this ENFP over and over and over again. I've never met someone so vindictive before! A lot of it is over stupidities!

RECENT EXAMPLE:
ENFP male friend/coworker...we kind of have a mutual interest in each other. long story, but besides the point.

ENFP and I use to go for swims together often after our workout at the gym, but we never really asked/invited each other. It was kind of like we just expected or hoped that the other person would show up. Basically, the only reason either of us shows up at the pool is because we want to see each other, but of course neither of us will ever admit to this. i guess we both have too much pride to ASK or INVITE the other for a swim and seem like we're too interested.

SO FOR THE FIRST TIME AT THE GYM last week, I dont go to the pool i just walk past him on the treadmill and in a friendly manner wish him a good night, but i dont tell him im not going to the pool cause we never say it. Again we just expect or hope to see each other at the pool.

Because he had hurt me in the past (led me on, lied to me, etc)..this was my way of proving to him that I was OVER HIM (yeah right uch and that my life did not revolve around him, even though we're friends. But I didnt think much of it. For all he knows I could have been busy that nite. And in fact I was!

I knew he was going to go to the pool and expect me there. And indeed he did.

So the next day at work he says "you dont go swimming anymore?" and i said "not really" and he says "i went and swam with THOSE people" but he sounded like he didnt enjoy it. I think he was looking forward to me being there and expecting me to show up and was disappointed.

Fast forward to today. We're both at the gym. I walk past him on the treadmill as usual, but this time he ASKS ME if I'm going home. And I say "no, i'm going for a swim". Of COURSE I was expecting him to go. Since I let him know I would be there and things seemed to be going great with our friendship. Somehow I ALREADY KNEW in my gut that he was NOT going to show up JUST to be vindictive. My gut never fails. He doesnt show up. And none of that "benefit of the doubt" crap. I'm 100% sure it was to get back at me.
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Why was that necessary? I'll never figure it out. This is just ONE out of countless examples of how vindictive he can be. And lets not even discuss not responding to his text message! That's another good one. I heard him say out loud about a text message "he ignored my message, well I can play that game too." He was hinting at me because the nite before i didnt respond to his message HOWEVER, he had ignored plenty of MY text messages in the past. GO FIGURE!

Sigh....

 

[Thalassa]

ENFP male ...we kind of have a mutual interest in each other. long story, but besides the point.

I cannot possibly address this type of thing objectively. It's really not "besides the point."

 

[Thalassa]

Oh...psst....by the way: I think he likes you!

 

[thescientist]

That's just one example though. But he's like this about most things!

I'm just curious if you guys are usually vindictive? And what causes it?

 

[thescientist]

Oh...psst....by the way: I think he likes you!

Um yeah, we dated a few times. The prick lied to me about a long-distance gf he had and never apologized to me about it and was basically a douchebag. Things were pretty rocky for a while. But we're finally at peace with each other and enjoying each other's friendship. I mean, the attraction is undeniable as it is with most ENFP/INTJ encounters.

 

[BlueScreen]

I get the feeling it is part of something bigger. ENFP actions are rarely as simple as being reactionary, there is normally a trend of something they are trying to change. I would also say he didn't miss what he was doing by leaving, we aren't very naive with that stuff. Though if he forgot or got sidetracked, which is definitely possible with an ENFP, you should get an apology.

One thing you might learn from TC is ENFPs can be very different on the inside from the impression you get on the outside. It is actually worth studying and understanding the descriptions of them. You won't always know if you've annoyed him or cut him either. We normally take love pretty seriously, and the carefree silliness can mask this sometimes. Most of the time ENFPs make exceptions for things though, which is why I think there is something bigger on his mind that he is aiming to change. Or else he is just playing hard to get and sending it straight back at you. Seems a little too angled for playtime though.

 

[nomadic]

uh... i think both of u are vindictive. u tried to prove u were over him out of nowhere by saying "Good night" (hint hint, Im leaving and getting some dick from someone else)

and he did put himself out there by texting you the night u disappeared. and u squashed him. musta felt good... sheesh?!??? to be honest, if I really like someone, and I text them during the "courting/confusion phase" it is PURE HELL waiting for a response. The only way I've learned to deal with it is by spreading attention to other girls (during waiting for reply text) or drinking w friends or something.

lolz u guys should both grow up! but funny story. please keep us updated for the next episode.

 

[thescientist]

uh... i think both of u are vindictive. u tried to prove u were over him out of nowhere by saying "Good night" (hint hint, Im leaving and getting some dick from someone else)

lolz u guys should both grow up! but funny story. please keep us updated for the next episode.

I was as friendly as always when I left the gym. I finished my workout wished him a good nite. Even paused to chat. Not sure how that is being immature. Perhaps my reasons behind it were but those were not obvious. I was not doing it in VENGEANCE. It was me trying to regain some kind of emotional distance and protection. I dont want to get hurt again. I still like the bastard.

I was NOT trying to make him jealous. I did not say anything about what I was doing that night.
The text anecdote was from a LONG time ago. Just another separate example not related to the gym story.

Anyhow, I wasnt looking for responses specific to my example. I was just wondering in general if this is something that's common in ENFP's and if something in particular triggers it.

 

[nomadic]

oh gosh. obviously he felt that u were trying to be "too cool" and "hey im independent now, neener neener neener" "hey look! Im over you, so I can act suave and cool because Im going on a date and Im not gonna pick up your text" and got hurt from it. (especially if thats not how you NORMALLY act around him)

personally, i don't get hurt if I don't like the person. it sounds sick, but maybe he only gets this vengeful with you. you should prolly ask him.

"Are you vengeful with everyone? Or just me?"

hahaha. you'd have the answer to how crazy he is about you right there.

man i should be a scriptwriter...

 

[nomadic]

btw, I dunno how, but it is VERY VERY Obvious to me if a girl I am dating met another guy she likes inbetween now and the last time we saw each other.

They act a little more cooler, little more distant, and have this "I can't be overcome" vibe about them. If its fake or not, I personally wanna probe it and see if its a front or real. I can ALWAYS tell if this girl is thinking about me a lot or not. Especially if she did think about me a lot at one point. You can't hide it if u really did stop thinking about that person.

Like there was this girl who was the runner up to my serious gf in college. I didn't see her in 10 years, and i saw her at a club recently. She had the same vibe she had around me (excitement) she had 10 years ago, and we caught up, but I was kinda busy taking care of drunk people... later, during a quiet period, i totally sensed a shift in her excitement level. the thought of her bf came to her. i dunno why, but these kinda things are very obvious to me (not with strangers, but with people who you had an emotional connection with)

 

[Malkavia]

I was as friendly as always when I left the gym. I finished my workout wished him a good nite. Even paused to chat. Not sure how that is being immature. Perhaps my reasons behind it were but those were not obvious. I was not doing it in VENGEANCE. It was me trying to regain some kind of emotional distance and protection. I dont want to get hurt again. I still like the bastard.

I was NOT trying to make him jealous. I did not say anything about what I was doing that night.

Anyhow, I wasnt looking for responses specific to my example. I was just wondering in general if this is something that's common in ENFP's and if something in particular triggers it.

It definitely seems like he picked up on what you were doing. It wasnt obvious, but ENFPs are known for picking up on the hidden very easily.

 

[thescientist]

btw, I dunno how, but it is VERY VERY Obvious to me if a girl I am dating met another guy she likes inbetween now and the last time we saw each other.

They act a little more cooler, little more distant, and have this "I can't be overcome" vibe about them. If its fake or not, I personally wanna probe it and see if its a front or real. I can ALWAYS tell if this girl is thinking about me a lot or not. Especially if she did think about me a lot at one point. You can't hide it.

I dont know about that. This ENFP always thinks I hate him. Until recently where I explicitly told him under the effects of some alcohol: "I like you so much it's pathetic." To which he responded: "No you dont, you always call me an asshole or a scumbag."

We've got a love/hate thing going. But after I made it clear that I like him as a person and dont hate his guts anymore for the shit he put me through, things have been much better as of late.

 

[nomadic]

"I like you so much it's pathetic." To which he responded: "No you dont, you always call me an asshole or a scumbag."

oh gawd. he's tryna be cute and u know it.

get a room already! haha

 

[thescientist]

oh gawd. he's tryna be cute and u know it.

get a room already! haha

Not really. He didnt speak to me for 2 whole days when I made him read a humurous and not-so-nice description of ENFP and said it was him to a T. He behaved like a petulant child. I felt like telling him to grow a friggin backbone! But i didnt. I minded my own business and didnt react to his little tantrum and he eventually came around.

He's super sensitive. You shoulda seen his face the first time I called him an asshole.

I'll remind you INTJ's are not the most tactful people. And this ENFP is always needing reassurance from me. Which I dont give very often...unless he's being extra nice that day.

 

[thescientist]

It definitely seems like he picked up on what you were doing. It wasnt obvious, but ENFPs are known for picking up on the hidden very easily.

Why do I feel like I can never hide from the ENFP?! If that's the case, then it should be obvious to him that I like him A LOT! So why on earth does he need so much reassuring from me?!

 

[nomadic]

haha ok.

I actually can't think of any INTJ women I know, thats the thing. I know you guys are rare. i guess cus usually i've beem meeting in the club environments for the past year or two. but outside of there the closest i've met are a few infj's recently...

lolz obviously he likes you. you know it. next ur gonna use something from this thread to humiliate him if he makes you mad. hahahahaha

GET A ROOM ALREADY! lolz

 

[nomadic]

btw, the reason he needs so much reassurance from you is because you mentally abuse him so much. LOLZ

But you LIKE THAT! y are u complaining about something u like him doing... lolz

 

[thescientist]

Most of the time ENFPs make exceptions for things though, which is why I think there is something bigger on his mind that he is aiming to change. Or else he is just playing hard to get and sending it straight back at you. Seems a little too angled for playtime though.

hmmmmmm....what on earth could it be? I think you may be on to something.

I'm hoping the lovely Amargith will chime in!

 

[sunshinEnfp]

Anyhow, I wasnt looking for responses specific to my example. I was just wondering in general if this is something that's common in ENFP's and if something in particular triggers it.

I would not say that I am vindictive, in particular, but... if you mean, slightly so--as in your examples, then perhaps... I have not explored this part of myself much, but... I do think that I am sensitive and so I just try to mirror what people give to me. If you all of a sudden shut down to me, then I will shut down to you as a means of self-protection.

An example comes to mind that will perhaps provide some insight. One of my friends ended up throwing this party and there was a lot of drama and basically, I feel like she manipulated me into being involved for her own selfish reasons. We ended up talking about it later and it seemed like it was water under the bridge. But it wasn't for me, for whatever reason. Anyway, we were supposed to meet up to go to lunch and I had taken public transportation. I figured she would meet me with her car. I was running a couple of minutes late, but a part of me said, "Well, it's okay, she kind of deserves it." (Again, this is not my most favorite thing sharing this story because I know that kind of thinking is wrong and immature.) Well, turns out, she was taking public transportation as well and she met up with me about 45 minutes later. This infuriated me. I guess in my mind, I felt that she needed to be punished in a subtle way, I guess I wanted to regain back some power, but here she was again, the one in control. Well, she got to where we were supposed to meet and texted me to come meet her. I did (thinking I made her wait a couple of minutes) but when I got there, she was NOT THERE! She decided to go ahead and head to the restaurant, knowing I did not know where it was! So this just made me more upset. I just felt like she was gaining more and more power and I felt defenseless. Maybe I felt this way because I felt like she had taken advantage of me before and I did not want it to happen again. I don't think I would ever act this way with someone who had not violated my trust, but I did feel a need to get vindictive in a PETTY WAY. I definitely semi-punished her by not being my normal laughable, fun self and she commented on it several times. "Are you feeling okay? Are you really tired?" But in my mind I thought: no, you don't get out of this easily and get happy normal me. You have to sit here and YOU have to work for our conversation to be fun. I'm done!

Again, not my best moment, but maybe it answers your question or sheds a little insight?

Also, I just want to say: even though we ENFPs feel things deeply, we do not necessarily always want to. Him getting defensive shows that he cares, but he could be struggling with not WANTING to care. He does not want those little things to bother him and yet they do. It becomes a kind of battle with one's self.

 

[professor goodstain]

we are not vindictive. it only appears that way because we maintain better karma than the others from presenting just enough transparency of the others by allowing the others to show their own transparency by virtue of our karma.
our karma is better than most due to our awareness by being transparent
i believe it to be a self taught skill more than luck, yet gained by luck via our nature.