[ESFP] Trying to get along with ESFP ex wife?

[cafe]

It can be and I know I always think if I can just figure out the right perspective/approach I can somehow make it work, but sometimes it just doesn't work because it's not a misunderstanding or anything I can really work with -- it's malice. You can't work around or with malice.

The fact that the family and apparently your boyfriend is willing to subject you to this woman's antics does not speak well of his commitment to your relationship to me.

Edit: The only way to deal with it solo, since this woman is a bully, is not to evade, but to confront. Like Hala says, she's acting like she is the dominant dog in the pack here and you've got to show her who the Alpha Bitch is or she will just keep it up.

 

[sLiPpY]

It can be and I know I always think if I can just figure out the right perspective/approach I can somehow make it work, but sometimes it just doesn't work because it's not a misunderstanding or anything I can really work with -- it's malice. You can't work around or with malice.

The fact that the family and apparently your boyfriend is willing to subject you to this woman's antics does not speak well of his commitment to your relationship to me.

Edit: The only way to deal with it solo, since this woman is a bully, is not to evade, but to confront. Like Hala says, she's acting like she is the dominant dog in the pack here and you've got to show her who the Alpha Bitch is or she will just keep it up.

Even if there's confrontation; the Alpha Bitch scenario will probably play out and re-cycle over and over again. People like that simply don't get it and cannot change who they are. Why even bother expending the energy for a temporary and empty victory.

 

[sLiPpY]

Your judgments are overly simplistic. I think learning to handle rather than avoid situations that cause stress, learning to cope with issues such as these, and being civil with an ex are all signs of emotional maturity.

For my own purposes, and life experience. Failing to set appropriate boundaries, is not indicative of emotional maturity.

http://www.respect2all.org/_documents/resources/tdv/tdva08-Teen-Dating-Insert1.pdf

Here's a very good link written for teens, to teach them how to make good choices in setting healthy boundaries. Choosing friends/people to associate with. I think it's very good advice for an adult too.

 

[whynot]

i think maybe i gave the wrong impression. my boyfriend does a very good job of not subjecting me to her bullshit. there really is no bullshit with him. his SIL is the main culprit and there's nothing i can do about her. and i totally agree that if i were to confront her, the cycle would continue anyway. if it is malice, then my best choice is to ignore her. she's really not that important.

 

[sLiPpY]

i think maybe i gave the wrong impression. my boyfriend does a very good job of not subjecting me to her bullshit. there really is no bullshit with him. his SIL is the main culprit and there's nothing i can do about her. and i totally agree that if i were to confront her, the cycle would continue anyway. if it is malice, then my best choice is to ignore her. she's really not that important.

There we go!

That's a lot clearer.

Yeah, people like that definately aren't worthy of time, energy expenditure or attention. Suggest however, setting and keeping appropriate boundaries with regard to the sister.

 

[Thalassa]

For my own purposes, and life experience. Failing to set appropriate boundaries, is not indicative of emotional maturity.

http://www.respect2all.org/_documents/resources/tdv/tdva08-Teen-Dating-Insert1.pdf

Here's a very good link written for teens, to teach them how to make good choices in setting healthy boundaries. Choosing friends/people to associate with. I think it's very good advice for an adult too.

Mocking people for making what you perceive to be poor choices, and recommending that people end their relationship over some minor disagreements isn't a sign of an especially high EQ either.

 

[sLiPpY]

Mocking people for making what you perceive to be poor choices, and recommending that people end their relationship over some minor disagreements isn't a sign of an especially high EQ either.

The OP is written in such a way, it sounds like a "Jerry Springer" episode. The woman cheated on the guy and left him. Then she can't handle seeing the girlfriend with him. They still share custody of the dogs? The sister and other family members still hang out with the woman even so. It's been going on for years, even though there are no children to consider. The ex-wife is encountered often...I mean really wtf?

These aren't minor disagreements. The fact that the situation exist and the question is even being asked, is a sign of a lack of respect within the family for the girlfriend. Possibly, even for the boyfriend. There hasn't been a successful communication to date in order to set healthy enough boundaries the girlfriend isn't "bothered." Hello! :hi:

I can't even begin to sugar coat that as an ISTP. This is posted in an SP forum. It is my nature to be direct and blunt. If you don't like the advice that's given. I don't expect you to take it.

But I'm sure as hell not going to sit here and try to advise someone on "how to work better with" a life situation that sounds ridiculous.

 

[A window to the soul]

Mocking people for making what you perceive to be poor choices, and recommending that people end their relationship over some minor disagreements isn't a sign of an especially high EQ either.

Hey Marm, it's all good. IMHO, I don't feel any mockery was intended here. I believe sLiPpY's suggestions are practical, wise, and keeping it real. They make the most sense to me. Though I also understand and appreciate all sides of this. If it were me, I would walk away from the relationship. Relationships shouldn't be complicated.

 

[Thalassa]

Hey Marm, it's all good. IMHO, I don't feel any mockery was intended here. I believe sLiPpY's suggestions are practical, wise, and keeping it real. They make the most sense to me. Though I also understand and appreciate all sides of this. If it were me, I would walk away from the relationship. Relationships shouldn't be complicated.

Relationships are complicated, and they take work.

I think outside of things like abuse and truly irreconcilable differences, the mature thing to do is to work through things.

 

[whynot]

Relationships are complicated, and they take work.

I think outside of things like abuse and truly irreconcilable differences, the mature thing to do is to work through things.

i'd have to agree with you on this.

 

[sLiPpY]

Well, I agree with Marm, that working things through is the mature thing to do. In absense of physical and/or emotional abuse...

I don't get the boyfriend? I mean where are his balls? Where are his brains?

Where is his own self-respect?

What about the girlfriend? Sounds like it's been a long time. Has she talked with and/or confronted him about how she feels? Or is she afraid to?

Why is that even a question.

There's a big difference between reasonably working something through. And spotting an unreasonable amount of dysfunction...

If I were the boyfriend? The situation wouldn't even exist. My girlfriend wouldn't be left to ask strangers how to handle such a scenario. Because it'd already been addressed.

The way I see it...the problem isn't with the ex- it's not with the sister, it's not with the family. It's with the boyfriend.

 

[Halla74]

i'd have to agree with you on this.

Yeah, well don't forget that part of working through things does not include taking shit from your man's ex. You were not put on this Earth to put up with her shit. If you can summon a little courage, and get up in her face and call her out as to what a complete d-bag bee-yatch she is next time she "acts up" I guarantee two things will happen: (1) She will be totally shocked and STFU, and (2) She will respect you and most likely your future encounters with her will be alot more dealable, and less frequent, as she will move on. Trust me, there is but one way to deal with conflict, and that is head on. If you are in the right, which it appears you are, then you can engage with all weapons blasting and mow over her with almost zero chance for repercussions by your man, or others close to you. And if they don't like it? Read rule #1 "You are not here to take shit." Go kick some ass, sister! If you need any help writing a "riot act" speech let me know, I've had to dish them out a time or two and they are second nature to me at this point.

 

[A window to the soul]

^I'm kinda agreeing with Halla's bold "all up in her face" approach... That's if I was hellbent on sticking around, then I'd have to tell her where she stands. Some women are manipulative, selfish, control freaks, that have absolutely no class and seem to feed off this type of drama BS.

EDIT: BTW, don't be shocked when Drama Queen suddenly plays the victim or claims she's innocent.

All of that does feel like something out of Jerry Springer. I have to clarify again, that I would never stick around for this type of fun and games in a relationship ever...

Let's look at this in the proper perspective. You should have no problems ditching this guy (no matter how wonderful he 'seems') for the very reason sLiPpY mentioned. The boyfriend clearly has no stones. Why hasn't he stepped up to the plate and put an end to the madness? After all, this is his ex! Ugh, run and don't look back!

 

[Thalassa]

EDIT: BTW, don't be shocked when Drama Queen suddenly plays the victim or claims she's innocent.

Yeah, my mom does that.

 

[cafe]

Personally, when an invitation was given, I'd have to ask if the ex was going to be there and if she was, I'd just pass. I'd rather be at home reading a book or maybe removing my kidney with a spork than deal with that kind of crap.

 

[whynot]

Read rule #1 "You are not here to take shit." Go kick some ass, sister! If you need any help writing a "riot act" speech let me know, I've had to dish them out a time or two and they are second nature to me at this point.

I'm going to have to try being confrontational if she starts any BS... it's not my nature, but apparently what I'm doing isn't working. One thing that is interesting to me is that she does most of this drama behind my back. When I'm around her, she's really weird and quiet and just stares at me. Then usually leaves a little while later b/c "she can't handle seeing us together." (That's something we find out later from the SIL.) But man does she talk shit to everyone else.

Another example: My bf and I were picking up the dogs recently and I was waiting in the car. When they came down the stairs, she was crying (trying to get sympathy from my bf about how the dogs no longer remember her)... well, as soon as she saw me, she dropped the stuff she was carrying and said, "I can't handle this." and ran back to her house. Apparently she didn't think I was there. My bf just laughed it off and didn't even think twice about it.

I don't get the boyfriend? I mean where are his balls? Where are his brains?

Where is his own self-respect?

What about the girlfriend? Sounds like it's been a long time. Has she talked with and/or confronted him about how she feels? Or is she afraid to?

The way I see it...the problem isn't with the ex- it's not with the sister, it's not with the family. It's with the boyfriend.

Let's look at this in the proper perspective. You should have no problems ditching this guy (no matter how wonderful he 'seems') for the very reason sLiPpY mentioned. The boyfriend clearly has no stones. Why hasn't he stepped up to the plate and put an end to the madness? After all, this is his ex! Ugh, run and don't look back!

We have discussed this a few times and I'm clear about how I feel regarding her bullshit. He told me when we got together that he knew b/c of the relationship his ex has with some of his family that she would be around for a while, so he learned to accept that and try to just get along. And quite honestly, he's oblivious to the "madness" b/c he just doesn't care. All he wants to do is keep the peace and I honestly don't think he sees how it annoys the shit out of me sometimes... typical intj.

And for the record, it's not just her that walks all over him... his whole family does. I've talked to him about it, but he won't budge on the issue. Him being the go-to guy is part of why i love him, but he doesn't realize that it causes more problems in the long run. He's a big boy... he'll figure it out on his own.

I hate drama so this is really stupid to me, but I'd leave if I felt threatened... and I don't.

 

[sLiPpY]

Sounds like you've been very honest with yourself, no rose colored glasses there. Even without the ex- the family will continue to be an issue.

Reading your description, I suspect the ex- is a garden variety sociopath. Noticing the type of behavior that is just so ding dang weird. One almost wants to pinch themself...

 

[whynot]

Sounds like you've been very honest with yourself, no rose colored glasses there. Even without the ex- the family will continue to be an issue.

Reading your description, I suspect the ex- is a garden variety sociopath. Noticing the type of behavior that is just so ding dang weird. One almost wants to pinch themself...

tell me about it. :crazy:

and thank you for the input... it's so nice to discuss this stuff and get different perspectives.

 

[FeatheredFrenzy]

I'm going to have to try being confrontational if she starts any BS... it's not my nature, but apparently what I'm doing isn't working. One thing that is interesting to me is that she does most of this drama behind my back. When I'm around her, she's really weird and quiet and just stares at me. Then usually leaves a little while later b/c "she can't handle seeing us together." (That's something we find out later from the SIL.) But man does she talk shit to everyone else.

Hmm, I didn't know that part. She seems to perceive you as being emotionally threatening and wielding a lot of power over her. If you come at her from out of nowhere, it might be too much, considering that she's hurting already.

If you've never approached her about this problem before, maybe you could try being tactful with her about it. If that doesn't work after awhile, then use more direct means.

I know all of this has been unfair and you've been through a lot already, but that's probably the mature thing to do.

 

[Glycerine]

Limiting contact w/ the SIL sounds like the best approach.