Hera
New member
- Joined
- Dec 27, 2010
- Messages
- 304
- MBTI Type
- INTP
- Enneagram
- 5w6
I'll admit, I'm hesitant to use this feature because I don't really know what to write. It seems that every time I've had something like this, I post interesting things and ideas for about a week and then tire of it and it sits there until I next remember it exists. In any case, here's my thought for today.
Recently I've noticed that in almost all my pictures I'm smiling now, which is something I never used to do. It just never made sense to smile for a picture. Baring my teeth to show people I'm happy seems a bit strange, too. Nonetheless, I've taught myself to smile in pictures to appease others so they don't look through their camera saying, "and she ruined another picture! We were all smiling, you Bitter Betty!" and make me look like I'm purposely photo bombing my friends.
Then I thought about a lot of other things I seem to do to appease others or appeal to them, and I'm shocked to say that in the span of five years I've changed dramatically. The smiling is just the beginning. I've also started to "doll" myself up on outings, which I never felt the need to do. I've started hugging people, something I always did with reservation and only to people who I cared about. Now, I hug most people. I'm still fairly young and still changing every day, so I cannot say that this is a reflection of who I am becoming because I'm not sure that what I want to be is a dolled-up hugging smiling girlie-girl.
It has always felt so unnatural to me, and it seems that when I express this sentiment people are quick to think that this means I want to look sloppy or don't care about my appearances (well, I don't). Despite all that, the real reason these things trouble me is because I'm not doing them for myself. I don't think there's any point in having to do my hair or make-up or smile like someone just said something funny in every picture, even picture I take of myself when I'm alone.
I've been told that my personality is "masculine" on several occasions and it bothered me for two reasons. Firstly, I dislike gender classifications and "trait" norms and secondly, I didn't like that the implication is a negative one. I didn't like the idea that people thought that being self-sufficient, confident, and logical was "masculine," that in some way I detract from my "femininity" and adopt traits I'm not supposed to have. On the other hand, I don't like the traits associated to me when I look or act "feminine" and really, I hate that it's an act I put on for work and less-than-close acquaintances.
The smiling isn't that big of a deal, it just was the catalyst that made me think of all the other stupid things I've adopted to make people get off my back.
Recently I've noticed that in almost all my pictures I'm smiling now, which is something I never used to do. It just never made sense to smile for a picture. Baring my teeth to show people I'm happy seems a bit strange, too. Nonetheless, I've taught myself to smile in pictures to appease others so they don't look through their camera saying, "and she ruined another picture! We were all smiling, you Bitter Betty!" and make me look like I'm purposely photo bombing my friends.
Then I thought about a lot of other things I seem to do to appease others or appeal to them, and I'm shocked to say that in the span of five years I've changed dramatically. The smiling is just the beginning. I've also started to "doll" myself up on outings, which I never felt the need to do. I've started hugging people, something I always did with reservation and only to people who I cared about. Now, I hug most people. I'm still fairly young and still changing every day, so I cannot say that this is a reflection of who I am becoming because I'm not sure that what I want to be is a dolled-up hugging smiling girlie-girl.
It has always felt so unnatural to me, and it seems that when I express this sentiment people are quick to think that this means I want to look sloppy or don't care about my appearances (well, I don't). Despite all that, the real reason these things trouble me is because I'm not doing them for myself. I don't think there's any point in having to do my hair or make-up or smile like someone just said something funny in every picture, even picture I take of myself when I'm alone.
I've been told that my personality is "masculine" on several occasions and it bothered me for two reasons. Firstly, I dislike gender classifications and "trait" norms and secondly, I didn't like that the implication is a negative one. I didn't like the idea that people thought that being self-sufficient, confident, and logical was "masculine," that in some way I detract from my "femininity" and adopt traits I'm not supposed to have. On the other hand, I don't like the traits associated to me when I look or act "feminine" and really, I hate that it's an act I put on for work and less-than-close acquaintances.
The smiling isn't that big of a deal, it just was the catalyst that made me think of all the other stupid things I've adopted to make people get off my back.
