[MBTI General] The Types in Marital Satisfaction

[Halla74]

So, as a freedom seeking pleasure loving SP with an extroverted spin that prompts you to get out and around all kinds of new and interesting people, you don't find lifelong monogamy to be...monotonous?

Nope. My wife is gorgeous, I shit you not. AND she has a libido. AND she is cool as hell. We have a grand time together, and we give each other space to go visit family/friends or even just go to the gym and get out of the house for awhile. Put a nurse outfit on and take advantage of my morning wood and I'll not cry montonous, I swear.

Apparently it's common for ESTP's to marry INFJs. "The authors found very little evidence that opposites marry. The only exceptions were ESTJ men married to INFP women and ESTP men married to INFJ women."

You are a swift one for finding the passage I referenced before me.
Apparently there is some commonality to the MBTI dynamics of my marriage, but I never knew it, and couldn't care otherwise as I know that all human beings and their relations with one and other are much more sophisticated than any personality science. It's not about your "four letters", or your Enneagram, it's about your heart, your soul, and the sense that your life is better and more complete with someone in it, regardless of their type, than if you had never met them, or if you had gone separate ways.

Thoughts?

 

[Gloriana]

@Halla: I think it's cool you're married to an INFJ! One of my best friends is an ESTP male, and we've known each other for over ten years. We never tried the romantic relationship though, we get along like a house on fire as friends because he'll kick me in the ass to get moving on something when I'm overthinking/hesitating, and I'll stop him when he's jumping into things way too impulsively with his ferocious optimism (Sometimes I really think he believe he has superpowers that make him impervious to injury). He thinks I'm crazy, I think he's crazy, we've had more fights than I can count on my fingers and toes, but our friendship works so incredibly well somehow!

 

[Halla74]

@Halla: I think it's cool you're married to an INFJ!

Thanks! It's proof I'm a daring MoFo!

One of my best friends is an ESTP male, and we've known each other for over ten years. We never tried the romantic relationship though, we get along like a house on fire as friends because he'll kick me in the ass to get moving on something when I'm overthinking/hesitating, and I'll stop him when he's jumping into things way too impulsively with his ferocious optimism (Sometimes I really think he believe he has superpowers that make him impervious to injury).

That is what it's all about, seriously. It's the coolest thing in the world if you've ever experienced it, and you have, and I am happy for you that you've taken the dare. It's scary, but it's cool as all get out once you figure out how to make it work...and least to a freak like me!

BTW, he DOES think he has superpowers!!! :horor:

He thinks I'm crazy, I think he's crazy, we've had more fights than I can count on my fingers and toes, but our friendship works so incredibly well somehow!

You are RIGHT. Fire + Water = STEAM (aka YUMMY)

Love and friendship will not survive without FORGIVENESS. Extroverts are generally easy to forgive, Introverts not so much, but no one is incapable of developing beyond their default disposition. My quest to better understand my wife's INFJ-ness has made me a better person, and vice-versa for her.

I never thought 15 years ago I'd hear her talk about the "here and now" or me about "feelings" but that is the stuff legendary personal growth is built upon.

It is humbling to admit one's deficiencies, but it is empowering to systematically overcome them...

 

[Charmed Justice]

Nope. My wife is gorgeous, I shit you not. AND she has a libido. AND she is cool as hell. We have a grand time together, and we give each other space to go visit family/friends or even just go to the gym and get out of the house for awhile. Put a nurse outfit on and take advantage of my morning wood and I'll not cry montonous, I swear.



You are a swift one for finding the passage I referenced before me.
Apparently there is some commonality to the MBTI dynamics of my marriage, but I never knew it, and couldn't care otherwise as I know that all human beings and their relations with one and other are much more sophisticated than any personality science. It's not about your "four letters", or your Enneagram, it's about your heart, your soul, and the sense that your life is better and more complete with someone in it, regardless of their type, than if you had never met them, or if you had gone separate ways.

Thoughts?

Hahaha! Hmmm. You're a strong one, but it sounds like you made an amazing decision to be with an awesome person who made sense to you! I'm happy to hear that the decision you made to be with your wife so many years ago still rings true in your head, heart, and soul as the "right" one. Yea!! How long did you guys date before you married? Did you ever have any major problems before you got married?

I agree that it really isn't all about type, although, type is about preference and preference clearly impacts the reality of most relationships. There are those rare people for whom the odds could be completely against; and yet, they are happy with each other no less. For any couple who is thrilled with each other beyond 10 years, I say HOORAH, cause that's rare!

 

[Gloriana]

Yeah, I don't want to get too caught up in 'typing' people because I think it's really only a facet among so many other facets. I would never want the MBTI type stuff to give me that tunnel vision where so much is blocked out because I'm only seeing the 'descriptions' and stuff like that.

When I think about what I want most in a relationship, I think "I want someone who understands how much I WANT to understand them, and one whom has the same desire to understand me even if it's a challenge at times", that sort of thing. I think if two people have that desire for mutual understanding, can have the balls to open up to each other and be vulnerable, if they can be honest and take the time to listen and learn, I think it can work with any type.

Or is that my damn idealism at play again? hehehehehe

 

[Halla74]

Hahaha! Hmmm. You're a strong one,

Yup! Don't ever forget it!

...but it sounds like you made an amazing decision to be with an awesome person who made sense to you! I'm happy to hear that the decision you made to be with your wife so many years ago still rings true in your head, heart, and soul as the "right" one. Yea!!

Thank you, that is truly a kind thing to say.

How long did you guys date before you married?

5 years.

Did you ever have any major problems before you got married?

Well, I don't know about major, but problems yes. Me being an ESTP wild-child; her developing anxiety/depression, but either way we decided to stay with each other and work it out. That's where the true love wins over adversity. It had to have been scary as shit for both of us at times, but we've made it.

I agree that it really isn't all about type, although, type is about preference and preference clearly impacts the reality of most relationships.

BINGO. We've both always been fit, eaten healthy, liked to travel, liked each other's company, and been "into" each other. All those things together go farther than MBTI ever could. BUT - MBTI helped us when we did eventually stumble onto problems of how to better relate to one and other. I give credit where credit is due...

There are those rare people for whom the odds could be completely against; and yet, they are happy with each other no less.

Once again, I am an outlier. Story of my life, I swear it.

For any couple who is thrilled with each other beyond 10 years, I say HOORAH, cause that's rare!

Hey, thanks for the support. Right now, YES, both of us are thrilled, more so than ever I can honestly say. The last few years = BRUTAL. Plenty of years before that = UPs and DOWNs. First 3 years = BLISS (Honeymoon period, of course). In all honesty though, now after 15 years, surviving the storm, having 2 kids and still wanting to work it out, this is the best part since the honeymoon period, I kid you not. There's some painful shit to go through between year 3 and year 15, but in our case it has been VERY worth it.

 

[PeaceBaby]

^ to you Halla

 

[Halla74]

When I think about what I want most in a relationship, I think "I want someone who understands how much I WANT to understand them, and one whom has the same desire to understand me even if it's a challenge at times", that sort of thing. I think if two people have that desire for mutual understanding, can have the balls to open up to each other and be vulnerable, if they can be honest and take the time to listen and learn, I think it can work with any type.

Or is that my damn idealism at play again? hehehehehe

It's both, and there is nothing wrong with that. Here's my advice to any INF_ considering how to maintain peace with someone substantially different in MBTI-isms to them (ES_Ps) from a previous thread:

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/672529-post7.html

Learn for free from my screw ups!

^ to you Halla

Awww, shucks! Hugs to you too!

Honestly, for me, simply knowing the differences between:

E vs I;
S vs N;
T vs F; and
P vs J;

...made a HUGE difference in my ability to understand the invisible sources of tension that were making things hard for two people who knew they sincerely loved each other (for her too, but I'm the primary MBTI junkie).

Once I figured out SP vs NF traits even more was revealed, the rest has just been sheer luck, or persistence, or both, but whatever it is I'll take it, I'm not picky if what I want ends up in my lap, whether it got there by my doing or the grace of God, I'm good with it.

 

[Charmed Justice]

In those 5 dating years, did you ever break up, cheat, act generally disrespectful to each other? I always wonder rather or not healthy marriages can ever result when these things have occurred in a courtship.

I'm still hoping for the best in my marriage(we've been together 12 years)!! When you say "painful shit", I feel it, but you are right, there are good times as well. Rather or not it's all worth it for me...Well, I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm still in a place where I don't feel "allowed" to be myself. According to the Socionics theories, I'm in the Supervisor/Supervisee relationship as the Supervised! Ugh...

 

[Halla74]

In those 5 dating years, did you ever break up, cheat, act generally disrespectful to each other? I always wonder rather or not healthy marriages can ever result when these things have occurred in a courtship.

No, none of those things happened during the courthsip. Unfortunatley, I was unfaithful 7 years into the marriage. It was a long period of dysfunction and unhappiness, and I chose poorly in actin out as I dif. I did not feel understood, appreciate, or that she had a positive self image of me despite being a dutiful husband with the kids and the house, keeping bread on the table while working 2-3 jobs, etc. We were both in a bad place, ans some random shit just happenedd. I fessed up immediately and then starteed 2 years of counseling and njow all is well.

I'm still hoping for the best in my marriage(we've been together 12 years)!! When you say "painful shit", I feel it, but you are right, there are good times as well. Rather or not it's all worth it for me...Well, I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm still in a place where I don't feel "allowed" to be myself. According to the Socionics theories, I'm in the Supervisor/Supervisee relationship as the Supervised! Ugh...

I feel you on that. That was a main reason for my period of ambivalence. You MUST be allowed to be YOURSELF. You MUST allow him to be HIMSELF. You MUST have a happy life TOGETHER. It can happen, just divide the problems into smaller pieces, be patient, give each other some slack, and make small incremental successes the fuel fo your recovery. It is very possible...trust me!



Good luck! PM me if you need any advice at all, please.

 

[Charmed Justice]

Thanks Halla! Infidelity is really about the connection between the two people in the relationship(or lack thereof). I'm glad you two reconnected again.