[ENFJ] The ENFJ Facade/Fakeness

[Wild horses]

In response to OP... I have a friend who is ENFJ and he certainly holds parts of himself back... esp the negative stuff he once told me that if something comes up in his character that he doesn't like he represses it or even tries to train himself not to behave or feel a certain way... Very controlled people I have found... not sure if I would use the work fake though... controlled fits better

 

[Desperado44]

So I'm wondering how it feels to be an ENFJ who feels a lot of responsibility to make others feel comfortable. Is it sometimes so much of a burden that one has to constantly look on top of things?

Its absolute murder. Very unhealthy.

And its made worse by birth order in my opinion. If you're the first born......you'll get stress in spades.

 

[Erudur]

As I was reading this, I was thinking the holding back sounded a lot like first born. I wonder how it is modified in the other birth order types?

Using this guys take on birth order:
Birth Order Plus - Intro to Birth Order

I've seen third born personality turbo charge the ENFP.

 

[Domino]

I've always been the "baby" in a matter of speaking. Granted, Jaye shoved me out of 2nd place by a mere minute, but she acts like the older sister. Then again, my natural Ni state of "What?" obliviousness makes me the perfect third placer.

 

[EcK]

My older sister is an entj.
she's amazing in her own way.

I could never care for people like she does.

 

[Domino]

You're not people. You're a wacky cartoon bear.

 

[sonata]

Would an ENFJ ever start to do the previously mentioned mixed-signals, available/unavailable thing with someone they've been friends with for a long time, who has seen behind the facade on occasion, if that friend is leaving the country in a few months and probably won't live anywhere near them in the foreseeable future?

That just occurred to this confused NT as a possible cause of some of the asdjfkl; that's been happening lately between me and her.

 

[Domino]

Would an ENFJ ever start to do the previously mentioned mixed-signals, available/unavailable thing with someone they've been friends with for a long time, who has seen behind the facade on occasion, if that friend is leaving the country in a few months and probably won't live anywhere near them in the foreseeable future?

That just occurred to this confused NT as a possible cause of some of the asdjfkl; that's been happening lately between me and her.

Outside of my immediate family, only three people have seen me at my absolute worst (and being chronically ill brings on such moments of humiliation with wrenching frequency): my ISTP best friend, my ESFP bff Shorty, and my INTJ best friend. These people could blackmail me if they wanted to, but I have/had zero desire to cut myself off from them.

 

[Hap]

hi i'm new,

a lurker, but now a member!

At work today, a colleague said to me 'I feel like you're hiding who you really are from me'

Do enfjs get this a lot, and why?

yes, I got this a lot from an INTJ. He said i am not direct at all.
But you know, my roomates, who lived together with me almost four years, they said i am very easy to be read, they said they knew very well what i gotta do and say .
to some degree ,i think i agree with the INTJ, he is right, i just show them (i mean my roommates)what i thought they sholud see, i mean i let them know they know me so well.but it doesn't mean i am very horrible,i just think i should act in that way.
let's back to the INTJ's view. yes, he is right,i am not so direct , because i think sometimes ,it is a way to protect myself .i just don't want to be dealt with very easily.
but he is right again, he said , in this way , people also know how to deal with me .
as an ENFJ, if he or she trusts someone compeletly, you know they are very childish.
so , when your colleague said to you like this , i think i am not suprise at all.

 

[Littlelostnf]

ENFJs don't like to talk about themselves. You can even see it on the forum, ENFJs are the NFs least likely to have threads going on and on forever about them even though there is a small but consistent amount of ENFJs lurking on the forum (hey yall!:hi.

I reveal myself to people who I feel comfortable with which is a surprisingly small amount of people. I certainly don't have this huge vat of secrets I'm hiding. ENFJs have that nice Fe covering so that batshit Ni doesn't come out clocking people over the head and scaring them off.

When you develop a good feel about people you learn what they're really interested in or what they're pretending to be interested in and you respond in kind. Pretending's not even the right word because that implies deception when it's not that. It's more like some repetitive habit we acquire when dealing with people. I say good morning you say good morning, you ask me how I'm doing I say I'm fine, I repeat the question back to you, you say you're fine and we're done. I know most people don't care what I did over the weekend or what I want to do with my life but they'll ask out of courtesy and I'm fine with that. I suppose having these jejune transactions with most people makes you more reflective than revealing and I don't doubt people can sense that.

And mostly, when I listen to people telling me about themselves I'm also figuring out if they're the kind of person who I'd want to share myself with. I'm highly observational of people through interaction. If someone sounds simple in the head (which I can usually tell after talking to a person awhile) I'm taking the information and making decisions on if I'd like to have a deeper relationship with the person. Maybe Substitute isn't so paranoid because I know I do it.

Yup what she said...specially the first two paragraphs...also agree with that Brendan said. Hi back at yah...busy busy...yes I've been lurking but NO TIME EVER LATELY!...well except for now

 

[Littlelostnf]

Welcome, Jim!

I do get told with some frequency that I'm hard to "get next to". I don't do this on purpose at all. I just have my natural instinct to like/help/socialize with people (which is genuine) pulling against my need to protect myself (which is also kneejerk).

If I'm not putting myself out there, it's because being an Fe primary is already difficult and I have to *somehow* control what affects me. It seems strange to be innately driven towards what can profoundly harm you, and yet that's how I feel.

I try to make myself more "available" but it just doesn't happen. Getting me in "available" mode is one of those highly specialized moments when I feel absolutely safe.

Nice work Pink that is spot on.

 

[Harlow_Jem]

I think ENFJ's can be very fake.

Ex: My ENFJ boyfriend and I will be driving in the car back from a party or whatever and he will be steaming mad about something I did but I will have no idea as he will joke around and act as if everything's peachy keen as shit and then as soon as he gets home he'll blow up at me over the phone. I still can't believe he's that scared of/repulsed by confrontation to be so fake and then blow up. What a pussy.

But the funny thing is, he's not a pussy. He's the quintessential prototype of the all-american male that everyone loves and respects and no one fucks around with but he can't outright scream at me about something stupid? I don't know...

 

[The Third Rider]

I think ENFJ's can be very fake.

Ex: My ENFJ boyfriend and I will be driving in the car back from a party or whatever and he will be steaming mad about something I did but I will have no idea as he will joke around and act as if everything's peachy keen as shit and then as soon as he gets home he'll blow up at me over the phone. I still can't believe he's that scared of/repulsed by confrontation to be so fake and then blow up. What a pussy.

But the funny thing is, he's not a pussy. He's the quintessential prototype of the all-american male that everyone loves and respects and no one fucks around with but he can't outright scream at me about something stupid? I don't know...

Sounds, like you have your work cut out for yourself.

 

[SpottingTrains]

I still can't believe he's that scared of/repulsed by confrontation to be so fake and then blow up. What a pussy.

I'm willing to bet he isn't scared or repulsed. He merely doesn't want to see you upset. You may think that you being upset is not such a big deal and is bound to happen but to him it will contradict everything that he puts into your relationship.

He has probably been internalizing a lot of the issues that have crept up in your relationship lately and finally decided to burst through the only medium that he could illustrate how he felt without having the visual repercussions.

In his own 'twisted' way he is trying to save you the pain of him venting his frustrations or at least shelter himself from more turmoil.

 

[VissralNaction]

My ENFJ wife is a store manager for a company that likes to put on pretenses. Everyone is HAPPY all the time, and very SUPPORTIVE all the time of each other ... even though I think they're all about ready to slit their wrists or the wrists of each other.

She'll send me e-mails throughout the day full of stuff like "Oh I'm so happy!!!!" and "Isn't that great!!!! (talking about some new promotional thing for the company) ... and I just want to choke her.

I actually have to say to her "You know you don't have to be like that with me right?" ... man is she ever stressed out sometimes. She has a hard time escaping "the mode." I do see though, that 'the mode' is also a coping mechanism ... AND it really helps the ENFJ succeed. Ever watched an ENFJ rise through the ranks of an organization? It's stunning.

This thread has been REALLY helpful. I'm like that INFJ priest guy that was being talked about earlier ... I get it more now from the other point of view. I could talk about that more, but this is an ENFJ thread.

ENFJ's ... I FREAKIN' LOVE ENFJs (I really do) ... for 18 hours every single day.

 

[kiddykat]

I like ENFJs. I think their not always wanting to show what's bothering them stems from not wanting to burden others.

I also knew an ENFJ, who spilled his guts to me 24/7 in a way where I knew he still held back.. I didn't mind it, since I think venting is normal & healthy for people. Plus, the chemistry between ENFPs/ENFJs (for me) works out to the point where those sad moments somehow turn out to be moments of joy & laughter..

Who cares what others think, right? If they think you're fake, then maybe it's a form of self-projection.. I don't know..

Passive aggressive behavior in any personality type isn't always constructive, which can cause anyone to appear fake- that's why I can somewhat understand those who tend to be like this- it's not their fault- it's about trust, which isn't always easy for the average person who's been hurt pretty deeply, I think, or someone who tends to think of others before themselves, in general (which is an admirable trait, IMO)..

 

[jtanSis1]

I can't get enough of ENFJ's. I can finally see the inner nature of people and seeing them is euphoric, like all the work and effort they do just shows up all at once. It's like seeing an INFP at their best inside.

 

[Brendan]

I think ENFJ's can be very fake.

Ex: My ENFJ boyfriend and I will be driving in the car back from a party or whatever and he will be steaming mad about something I did but I will have no idea as he will joke around and act as if everything's peachy keen as shit and then as soon as he gets home he'll blow up at me over the phone. I still can't believe he's that scared of/repulsed by confrontation to be so fake and then blow up. What a pussy.

But the funny thing is, he's not a pussy. He's the quintessential prototype of the all-american male that everyone loves and respects and no one fucks around with but he can't outright scream at me about something stupid? I don't know...

He does it over the phone so you can't look in his eyes and see how hurt he feels.

 

[Giggly]

He does it over the phone so you can't look in his eyes and see how hurt he feels.

Or, initially he's probably in shock that she did whatever it was that she did that pissed him off. People try to play it cool sometimes until they figure out that something is really happening.

Also, the few ENFJ's I know are the furthest thing from fake. They have their reasons for doing the things they do and I always find there to be legitimate sentiment behind their actions/words, even if they are to keep harmony and peace.

 

[SpottingTrains]

He does it over the phone so you can't look in his eyes and see how hurt he feels.

Yeah, I would agree with this. I also think despite what she has done to him he is still attempting to shelter her from the pain he feels at some level.