Supporting an INTJ during a period of grief

[INTerran]

The INTJ I'm seeing just lost his paternal grandmother. I don't think the typical ways of giving comfort and support to people during a time like this would be something an INTJ would be appropriate or appreciated for him. How would you want to be supported and comforted?

 

[ceecee]

The INTJ I'm seeing just lost his paternal grandmother. I don't think the typical ways of giving comfort and support to people during a time like this would be something an INTJ would be appropriate or appreciated for him. How would you want to be supported and comforted?

How do you know the typical ways of giving comfort and support wouldn't be appropriate or appreciated by an INTJ. Did you ask the INTJ in question?

 

[Poki]

Listrn, be present, and quality time. Let them work through their emotions. how i work with ones i know. Interject when they do something complely stupid/retarded out of emotions. Make sure they know its not a burden

 

[INTerran]

Sorry for not being as specific as I should have. Knowing him I don't think the typical ways of comfort would work for him. But no ceecee I have not asked him.

 

[Tilt]

From my experience, just be consistently there for him but don't coddle and make a huge deal of the situation. Don't force any deep, emotional talks but if he wants to talk, listen.

 

[Sacrophagus]

Just listen to his thoughts and be present. That's all. Your proximity and warmth is all that is needed. No words can be of true consolation but your being there for him.

I was in a dreadful state when I lost my parents. When someone would come and say "Is there anything I can do to help at all?", I'd reply "Yeah. Unless you can bring back the dead or reverse the ticks of time, you can do nothing."
Though I appreciated their intentions, their words were of no consolation at a time one is ravaged by a maelstrom of emotions and thoughts. I was especially spiteful of people trying to force the "Everybody dies", and other axiomatic inanities.
It has to do with how one feels and the relationship he has with the departed. Let him sort off his emotions, and if he wants space, give him space.

 

[Coriolis]

The INTJ I'm seeing just lost his paternal grandmother. I don't think the typical ways of giving comfort and support to people during a time like this would be something an INTJ would be appropriate or appreciated for him. How would you want to be supported and comforted?

When I have been in a similar situation, what I wanted most from others is simply to let me live my life as normal. Of course the situation wasn't normal; I could feel like the bottom had dropped out of my world, or an entire dimension had collapsed in on itself. But life goes on, whether we are ready or not. Being able to go to work and participate in my other activities as usual was very comforting, as if to reassure me that not every part of life is in disarray, and yes, there are things I can still influence, even if not the passing of my loved one.

The last thing I wanted was inquiries, and the sort of tepid or sappy sympathy typically offered at such times. This is why, when my father passed away a few years ago, I made absolutely no mention of it here. I didn't want to deal with the inevitable reactions, however well-meaning. In RL, I wanted (and tolerated) just the briefest recognition from most people: "I'm sorry your [friend/relation] died," then move on. The few closest to me might add: "let me know if there is anything I can do". As with many other things, I work through loss and grief best on my own, and I understand that is fairly common for INTJs.

 

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

Buy him a nice bottle of top shelf Kentucky Whiskey or Blended Scotch. Drink some neat (or on the rocks) with him, and have a deep discussion about the universe. Middle shelf is okay if you're on a budget but none of that bottom shelf rotgut stuff--if you buy bottom shelf then you'd better get some mixers. If he chooses to open up and talk about his deceased kin, be supportive and listen, but don't push him to open up or spill his emotions.

Do this with Hanson's Second Symphony on in the background.

Sip, don't gulp.

 

[Lord Lavender]

Personally I would try to see him as a human being not a INTJ or any MBTI type. No two INTJs are the same and since you know him I would guess you know what he likes and dislikes in those kind of situations. A lot of INTJs confide in a trusted person from the ones I have known and if he feels he can confide in you he probably will.

 

[ceecee]

When I have been in a similar situation, what I wanted most from others is simply to let me live my life as normal.

This is exactly what I would want. My grandmother died in January and my husband was a little more broken up about it than me, outwardly but he was as close to her as I as. She was 93, she died in her sleep. The day of the funeral he was like - this whole time I've somewhat forgotten that it's your grandmother that died. But I didn't need him to do anything different. I would rather come to people when/if I need something than the other way around.

 

[Amargith]

Mine didnt lose anyone, but it was close. His mom was in an artificial coma for a bit. I was with him when he got the news. First thing i said was: i would go home with you if i could ( i was a student and we were in another country)He bought us two tickets on the spot, so i know he wanted me tgere for it.The rest of the week i was there, i made no mention of things, helped with household chores and made myself available for lots of physical contact. A touch here, holding his hand, having him lean against me in the couch - he set the pace. I talked about her when he brought it up, and just asked questions about the things he volunteered, and stopped when he stopped talking.

I find that checking in on how theyre doing is best done physically without words and talking about things that need doing and solving gets them out of that mind brooding they sometimes need a break from. When they do talk about it, just listening and providing a sounding board does the trick.

I do find they eventually need to talk about it to resolve it, however brief, but it often occurs after some time has passed - sometimes even months.

 

[INTerran]

Thanks everyone for the responses. I know most people are well-meaning in their sympathies, but so much of what people say is useless for the person going through the process of loss and grief, and he more than anyone I know wouldn't put much stock in empty words and platitudes that can't fix anything. I texted him (only because he hates actually talking on the phone) letting him know that I was sorry for the loss and that he was in my thought and prayers. He said thanks. He was doing ok-ish. And then we moved on to other topics. The memorial is tomorrow night, so I will be present him and the rest of the family, because I'm quite close to all of them.

 

[chubber]

I'm GROOT.

 

[Population: 1]

Everyone is different. I mean as in individuals dealing with grief. I know I didn't want to talk about it and although 'I'm so sorry' is the mantra everyone chants after the hundredth time it rings more hollow than an empty oil tanker. Men are also trained to stuff everything away so it can be even more difficult to broach the subject. Offer no advice unless asked and simply be the person you've already been. If he wants to he will talk about it. Your presence should be a great comfort in and of itself. I was alone as far a SO when it happened so that option of having someone really close to me didn't exist. Perhaps I would have opened up at least to them.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

Buy him a nice bottle of top shelf Kentucky Whiskey or Blended Scotch. Drink some neat (or on the rocks) with him, and have a deep discussion about the universe. Middle shelf is okay if you're on a budget but none of that bottom shelf rotgut stuff--if you buy bottom shelf then you'd better get some mixers. If he chooses to open up and talk about his deceased kin, be supportive and listen, but don't push him to open up or spill his emotions.

Do this with Hanson's Second Symphony on in the background.

Sip, don't gulp.

This is so specific it made me laugh but it is a non-generic suggestion! I like it

 

[Tilt]

Everyone is different. I mean as in individuals dealing with grief. I know I didn't want to talk about it and although 'I'm so sorry' is the mantra everyone chants after the hundredth time it rings more hollow than an empty oil tanker. Men are also trained to stuff everything away so it can be even more difficult to broach the subject. Offer no advice unless asked and simply be the person you've already been. If he wants to he will talk about it. Your presence should be a great comfort in and of itself. I was alone as far a SO when it happened so that option of having someone really close to me didn't exist. Perhaps I would have opened up at least to them.

My general response to people instead of "I'm so sorry" is "man, that sucks".

 

[The Cat]

My best friend is an INTJ; during periods of "grief" I dont act any differently around him than normal. We don't talk about it, unless he brings it up, and that's usually over a project we're working on together, so the focus is more on what we're doing than what we're talking about, for me at least, I have no idea what he gets out of it, because I dont ask; I'm the one he calls when he's down, so I guess it works. But yeah neither of us do particularly well with overly cloying displays of sympathy...well intended though it may be...but everyone's different.

 

[Dreamer]

My general approach towards anyone really, is to provide a safe space for them to come if they wish, to let them know I'm there for them if they need, but I really don't approach them much at all. I like to check in on occasion with a simple "how are you doing?" but if they don't respond with much I leave it at that. But checking in like that, also serves to keep that metaphorical, and emotional door open, should they wish to step in at any time.

I've gotten plenty of flak from more emotionally expressive types because of this, particularly when growing up, and certainly, when my dad died. That was a horrible experience as I not only had to put up with that, but contend with my own emotions of the situation at the time. I've had friends complain to me asking why I don't care more. But, all of this is a misunderstanding of course, as I DO care for others. Quite a bit actually. It's just that I respect their space to grieve, to feel pain, to endure. It's how I prefer to be treated most often, to be left alone, so I take that approach with others.

If I sense a person is going downhill and no longer merely "feeling" but getting into more dangerous territory, that's when I more actively extend my hand to help them out. There's never a hard-defined rule or approach though, as each person responds differently and you just have to feel them out. Approach them in a way that feels right at the time.

With this INTJ friend of yours, perhaps there are other ways you can be with them and to support them. Support doesn't always come in the way of emotions.

 

[Agent Washington]

Te appreciates practical ways of helping. An INTJ will surely appreciate it if you could re-birth his/her grandma.

 

[blob]

You did the right thing