There's so much to digest here. Let me take a deeper bite out of it.
First: a mini-condensation of the things I have thoughts on, would agree with or apply to me as well:
By Jennifer: From the outside, I think this can make an SX look flighty, or like a bird darting from flower to flower, drinking nectar out of each until empty and then moving on.
- yes, I do meet people who give me this impression. I never actually considered the variants as a reason for this though.
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by INTPness: if there's no real connection, it just kind of fizzles out. This can happen for a number of reasons:
(a) The other person isn't open, so it's like I'm hitting a brick wall and I can't go any deeper.
(b) Our interests don't really mesh.
(c) After getting to know them, it becomes obvious that I won't be able to give them what they want.
- yes, I would describe this too about not making a connection with people. I too see this as some N vs S - I describe it as the "click" I get when meeting certain people. It doesn't happen very often but when I do experience it a great friendship ensues (more often than not).
I see it more as meeting someone who really resonates with my interests, life experience, gender sometimes, personality style and life path. You just feel like you know them, and want to know about them, and hang out with them, and be friends, talking about all the "boring" stuff that no one else is interested in.
Maybe for me it
is about the resonance, the harmony of our interests, the sense of sharing similarities and our personality together. But if your description is just about that sx connection, I wouldn't say it sounds exclusive to it. Maybe there's a frequency or depth issue.
But most people I meet don't want to talk about any "deep" stuff I want to talk about either. They just look at me with glazed eyes and answer with vague "uh-huh's".
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by Seymour: I also find myself enjoying crisis situations at times, since that's when the walls between other people come down.
- I can relate to this as well. In fact, my walls come down too, and we can meet in the middle of that.
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by INTPness: Basically as an INTP sx, I just want to talk about really interesting stuff *all the time*. I need space, I need alone time to recharge my batteries, and yes, there are other things that need to be tended to. But, theoretically, if I just had 1 friend that I could talk to about "life" all the time, that would be really cool. No drama and all that other stuff, but just someone to bounce ideas off of and have some debates with, laugh about crazy stuff, etc. That's what gets me going. That's where the good stuff is at for the sx and, frankly, not a lot of people are into that sort of thing. So, when we find it, or when it begins to happen/unfold, it's an amazing thing.
- I could just as easily have written this. Not to diminish your expression, because I appreciate how candid you are, but something about this is overlapping I think with basic human needs for connection?
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by Morgan: I know that buzzy, hyper, high. But does this happen often for you? I could count the number of times on one hand... I really wish I could get that with more people, but most are just hard work and zero chemistry
- @ bold
- it sure doesn't happen everyday for me.
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There's this sense that sx is about getting sx needs met, but seldom is the other person mentioned as a part of a stable or ongoing relationship - like establishing rapport, building friendship, caring for each other though intensity and disconnect ... that's the reality of life, that we have moments of closeness and clarity, moments where we don't chat for a bit then reconnect.
Is sx just about the hit, the high? That's the part I don't want to give you because I feel like I'll give over and then you'll be gone. Very similar to a sexual one-night stand metaphor. I don't like the sense of being "used" and I feel like if you liked me enough to have sex with me and be intimate with me what is it that makes you leave me?
I really connect more with a sense of sharing rather than two people getting what they want. Of course being consensual changes everything.
But if you sense I don't want to go "deep" that doesn't mean there's no depth to be had! I resent that I'm not important enough to warrant anything more than a cursory inspection to see if I am willing to get there "fast".
(PS I am being a bit harsh and a little unvarnished to try to import a true sense of how I view this.)
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by INTPness: I shouldn't have used the word "superficial". It's just a difference in what types of things people want to talk about. A lot of my family likes to talk about "how hot it has been" or "what they did yesterday" or "how the computer has been acting up", "the dog has been sick", "the neighbor got a new car", stuff like that. I don't mean to imply that this is "superficial" stuff. Wrong on my part. As an sx, I have a tendency (probably unhealthy) to group all of that stuff as "uninteresting" and "superficial". I love my family and wouldn't trade 'em for anything, but to an sx who wants to "go deep" as much as possible, this kind of conversation can make us go:
- I could have written this too. I have always attributed it to S vs N and just the everyday-ness of life, the common superficial things we share that serve to start conversation. Such structure can be a means to an end rather than the whole point.
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By Morgan: As a child, I thought maybe everyone did this - just tolerated the nonsense that everyone else spoke about, out of politeness - that maybe everyone was secretly yearning for release from the tyranny of social niceties and wanted to be able to be more "real" and free with each other, as I saw it.
- I could have written this too - and as I got older I realized a.) not everyone thinks beyond this space or b.) not everyone wants to go there.
One needs to respect that many people will just never, never go there with
you.
Why does an sx-dom think anyone should? What have you done to "earn" that level of intimacy?
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Second: Below is a quote from the enneagraminstitute site. I share it and emphasize the @bold as how I feel about relating to people:
Social (aka "Adaptive") Instinct
Just as many people tend to misidentify themselves as Sexual types because they want one-on-one relationships, many people fail to recognize themselves as Social types because they get the (false) idea that this means always being involved in groups, meetings, and parties. If Self-Preservation types are interested in adjusting the environment to make themselves more secure and comfortable,
Social types adapt themselves to serve the needs of the social situation they find themselves in. Thus, Social types are highly aware of other people, whether they are in intimate situations or in groups. They are also aware of how their actions and attitudes are affecting those around them. Moreover, Sexual types seek intimacy, Social types seek personal connection: they want to stay in long-term contact with people and to be involved in their world. Social types are the most concerned with doing things that will have some impact on their community, or even broader domains. They tend to be warmer, more open, engaging, and socially responsible than the other two types. In their primary relationships, they seek partners with whom they can share social activities, wanting their intimates to get involved in projects and events with them. Paradoxically, they actually tend to avoid long periods of exclusive intimacy and quiet solitude, seeing both as potentially limiting. Social types lose their sense of identity and meaning when they are not involved with others in activities that transcend their individual interests.
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The big distinction I see so far is this need to be intensely intimate, get there and
stay there. But every relationship has a honeymoon period; it can't stay there, that chemical reaction cannot be sustained forever. It's not even meant to. But I can relate to how powerful that is, why it
is a focus and a desire. As a soc type, is it because I don't just accept the moment for what it is that's the problem? Just enjoy being there, for as long as that lasts? Take a ride with an sx type? Need to think more ...
"Um, OK, sure! How much time do you have?"
